Rant: the boys i mean are not that bright

[thefourthvine]

I read a lot of hockey blogs, because that is the right and proper behavior of the obsessed sports fan, and I want to be right and proper. (Okay, no, that's a lie. I have no interest in being proper.) Yesterday, I found a post about summer hockey-related reading, and, wow. The post has three unsubtle messages for me:

1. "Alas, these books are not for you." (This is the only message I'm not pissed off about, because it's all on me. Basically, if I'm going to break out of my non-fiction comfort zone, I need it to in some way involve Martha Wells, Naomi Novik, or spaceships.)
   
2. "Get lost, this post is not for you."
   
3. "Fuck off, this sport is not for you."

Yeah, it's those last two messages I wanted to rant about.

The author of the post is Philip Painter, whose business cards, I have to assume, say "not interested in the ladies" right under "Director of the Puerto Rican Ice Hockey Federation." And we should thank him, for he has provided an excellent, possibly even textbook example of using assumptions about your audience to make that audience smaller. (And, in the process, exclude and hurt a group of people. I get the feeling he'd be more worried about the first part, though.)

Because we all know the only people interested in reading books about hockey are dudes, right? Right, Painter says. But, he continues, these books are so good that "your woman" might actually want to read them, too. You might have to hold her Cosmo hostage to get them back! (Or her alcohol. Or you can just withhold sex. No, I'm not kidding, that's exactly what he says.) Gosh, Mr. Painter. Thank you! That is valuable advice that will surely save my marriage. Oh, wait, no, I meant the other thing. Fuck you. I meant fuck you.

And then there's this line, which is such an amazing gem I can't look directly at it:

...sometimes a female writer can grab the subtleties that men overlook.

Thank you for those few kind words, Mr. Painter. This female writer is really appreciative, and let me tell you, I am exactly the master of subtleties that you assume me to be; I totally get the subtle implications, here. (And since you complain about the lack of graphic sex in the female-authored book that you recommended, let me just reassure you: I do indeed write graphic sex. In fact, if you're short on hockey stories involving sufficient graphic sex, I can totally help you out with that.)

And the thing is, this post comes after a season in which female hockey bloggers had to beg people not to use women's names as insults for their most hated players. (The most tragic part of this: at least one of these articles focused just on begging other female hockey fans not to use misogynist insults. Apparently the male hockey fans are just irremediable, but we can maybe save some of the ladies if we try hard enough.) And let us not forget the delightful clusterfuck that was While the Men Watch, a Canadian TV show meant to bring relief to all the women who were watching hockey but secretly yearning to discuss manicures instead. (Though no one I read on this topic mentioned the sole draw of While the Men Watch, which was that it would give you something to drown out the inane and often worrisomely creepy official announcers. At least, I assume it did, because having to listen to Pierre "My love for Sidney Crosby is unwholesome" McGuire and exceedingly unfunny stereotype-based jokes is surely cruel and unusual punishment.)

But what the general hockey fandom has learned from both of these kerfluffles is, apparently, that the ladies sure do get worked up sometimes. And then you can't have sex with them until they get over themselves. So better do your misogyny where they can't see.

Dear male hockey fans: I can still see you.

I'm just starting to wonder if you can you see me. Like, did you set your shields to exclude female presence back in fourth grade and then forget to switch that off?

If you're wondering why hockey doesn't have a bigger fanbase in your city, if you're wondering why you never seem to meet women who like hockey, if you're confused about the preponderance of dicks on your dance floor, uh, let me clear this up for you: it's your fault. Yes, you, misogynist hockey fan, and also you and you and you. Because when you pull shit like this, and especially when you pull shit like this again and again, and then don't see any problem with it (when I checked the comments on Painter's post, they included one note that the post is, you know, a tiny bit offensive, and that comment was left by a woman - and let's not forget that the Puck Daddy editors let this post fly in the first place), you're doing everything in your power to push the ladies away.

(And so those ladies are going to go somewhere else and entertain each other. And if you just said, "Hey, can I watch?" out loud - yeah, those female hockey bloggers were right. You're irremediable. Congratulations! Now please shut up.)

Comments

[starfish]

I have read a lot of mysteries. A LOT. And I have never heard of his "American Agatha Christie." Also his sentence structure is hard to follow and at times, completely whack. Verb/subject agreement, it's what's for dinner! Therefore I cannot trust any of his recommendations.

Also, misogyny.

/o\

[thefourthvine]

Yeah, the misogyny was my breaking point, but only because quality writing is not something you expect from hockey bloggers. (Well, except for Ellen Etchingham.)

[aderam]

Yeah. I read that post too. It was also filled with grammar and spelling errors.

In Canada at least roughly 40% of the hockey fans are female. Wouldn't it be great if they acknowledged our existence without resorting to pink jerseys and female "commentators" who take pride in not knowing anything about the sport?

One of the weirdest parts of the hockey part of the internet for me is that the assumed gender is male. I'm so used to being in fandom that it weird me out a bit.

If you're looking for an interesting hockey book though I recommend Blood on the Ice by some guy whose name starts with H. It's in the kindle store and it's supremely Canadian. Also there are Vampires. Hilarious.

[thefourthvine]

Wouldn't it be great if they acknowledged our existence without resorting to pink jerseys and female "commentators" who take pride in not knowing anything about the sport?

I don't get you. Are you saying that such a thing is possible? That, for example, Puck Daddy could have a female guest poster from time to time? (Aside from the women who posted about the playoff beards, which was awesome, but, uh.) WHAT IS THIS BLASPHEMY YOU SPEAK?

If you're looking for an interesting hockey book though I recommend Blood on the Ice by some guy whose name starts with H. It's in the kindle store and it's supremely Canadian. Also there are Vampires. Hilarious.

...Outside my comfort zone, and yet. Vampires, Canadians, and hockey. I am sorely tempted.

[annaalamode]

I was going to write some kind of smugly satisfied reply about baseball that mentioned a)Joe Posnanski, b) Ken Tremendous and c)David Halberstam but then this (http://hardballtalk.nbcsports.com/2012/07/08/vicente-padilla-mark-teixeira-should-play-a-womens-sport/?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter) showed up on my twitter feed.

I've been following either basketball or baseball since I was twelve years old and, as hard as it is now to be taken seriously by the assholes, it was even harder back then. At least the mainstream considers women "worthy" of sports fandom now. Twenty years ago, I got lots of dismisals and assumptions that I was a lesbian. I think it is so much easier to be a female sports fan than it was twenty years ago. But those dinosaurs have not died out yet and, quite frankly, I can't wait for the day that female sports fans are as taken for granted as male sports fans.

(PS Cosmo? Really? As someone who reads lots of glossy mags with very little redeeming value, I would never read Cosmo. Are there even words in Cosmo? If you are going to assume that "your woman" is reading a ladymag, at least credit her with better taste than Cosmo.)

[laurajv]

There are words in Cosmo, because it turns out you need them to describe the 13 Secret Ways To Drive Your Man Wild.

They are not, however, words worth reading.

[blushingflower]

I worked at the Baseball Hall of Fame (in the library) for a summer. One time, a gentleman (probably old enough to be my grandfather) came in, wanting to look up a player's stats, so I handed him Total Baseball and said "position players are in the front, pitchers are in the back" (or, whichever way it's arranged, it's been a long time since I had cause to pick up Total Baseball). He couldn't find the player he was looking for, so I said "was he a pitcher?" and found him in about 5 seconds flat. The response? "You're pretty smart for a girl."

[thefourthvine]

I am impressed. I mean, you've been doing this since you were twelve and you haven't eaten anyone's liver yet! CLEARLY YOU ARE A SECRET MASTER OF MEDITATION.

I can't wait for the day that female sports fans are as taken for granted as male sports fans

On that day, I am throwing a party. You're invited.

[laurajv]

(What is with Pierre, anyway? Oh Pierre.)

I'm just. I can't. It's like they can't even see us.

In other news, I can rec you a hockey memoir for summer reading: "Goon". It is not without its problems (including, um, needing a slightly better editor) but I found it a fascinating exploration of one guy's experience as a minor-league hockey goon.

[thefourthvine]

(He's. Uh. Unwholesomely interested in Sidney Crosby. And possibly an alien. That's all I've got. I might have more if I could spend more time listening to him, but I can't. He triggers some kind of squick for me. Possibly it's the Uncanny Valley. I don't know.)

I'm just. I can't. It's like they can't even see us.

I sort of hoped they could at least see your season tickets. No? It's not even possible to BUY legitimacy with these guys?

It is not without its problems (including, um, needing a slightly better editor) but I found it a fascinating exploration of one guy's experience as a minor-league hockey goon.

AWESOME. Thank you!

[gumbie_cat]

While the men watch was a Canadian thing so it wouldn't have saved anybody from the horror that is Pierre. Though that is about the only thing that could have justified it's existence. Ugh. Listening to that man talk makes me want to write a love letter to every commentator ever employed by the BBC. Until hockey came in to my life I didn't know how lucky I'd been.

Hockey, why must you be so full of joy and then so full of fail?

[thefourthvine]

...Wait, are you saying the Canadians DON'T have to deal with Pierre McGuire? That's it. I'm immigrating. I will put "fleeing Pierre McGuire" on my citizenship application. SURELY CANADA WILL TAKE ME IN.

Hockey, why must you be so full of joy and then so full of fail?

I would love an answer to this question. So, so much. (I spent Saturday at the rink attempting to explain racism in hockey to my sister. For real, hockey people, you can start failing less ANY TIME.)

*sad headshake*

[raveninthewind]

In fact, if you're short on hockey stories involving sufficient graphic sex, I can totally help you out with that.

Indeed!

Re: *sad headshake*

[thefourthvine]

For real, if you're getting your graphic sex from PRINTED novels, I feel bad for you. THE INTERNET IS RIGHT HERE.

[commodorified]

THESE Hockey Books are TOTALLY for you:

The Game, Ken Dryden.

Also Dryden and MacGregor, Home Game

MacGregor alone: Wayne Gretzkey's Ghost.

Proud Past Bright Future: 100 Years Of Canadian Women's Hockey.

My First Goal: 50 players...

The Rocket Richard Story, Roch Carrier.

I gave up on Puck Daddy too, same reasons. I'm still looking for a replacement.

Also?

Watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DS_x0FwuqY

I solemnly swear on the blessed sweater of Saint Rocket of Montreal, it will make you cry happy.

[thefourthvine]

Query: I am considering fleeing to Canada because I hear you don't have as much Pierre McGuire up there. T/F? (I assume that "getting away from Pierre McGuire" is considered a legitimate reason to immigrate.)

OMG, I watched that clip and teared up. AWWWW. (Also, OMG ROCKET RICHARD!)

And thank you for the recs. BOOKS THAT ARE FOR ME. In my comfort zone! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

[puckling]

If you're wondering why hockey doesn't have a bigger fanbase in your city, if you're wondering why you never seem to meet women who like hockey, if you're confused about the preponderance of dicks on your dance floor, uh, let me clear this up for you: it's your fault.

Seriously, almost everyone I know who likes hockey is a lady. If you don't know ladies who like hockey, maybe you should look at your life, look at your choices.

[thefourthvine]

COSIGNED! Because even the non-our-neck-of-fandom hockey fans I know are ladies. At the preschool birthday party during the fifth game of the Cup final? IT WAS THE LADIES KEEPING AN EYE ON THE HOCKEY. The dudes were watching BASKETBALL.

[quinfirefrorefiddle]

I'm not big on most sports, but it would be awesome if knowledgeable female fans did a live podcast with intelligent commentary so I could mute my damn TV and listen to people who don't make me want to throw things, when I do. (Olympics, I'm looking at you.)

[thefourthvine]

Someday - someday - I will persuade dramaturgca to do a hockey game live podcast with me.

[vass]

The boys indeed are not that bright. D:

Here, have a palate cleanser. Have you read Dira's new Gen Kill fic? I think it would be very relevant to your interests. Babyfic, with no child or animal harm at all, and as far as I can tell with my very limited experience, a realistic baby and realistic and non-problem-free parenting.

[thefourthvine]

OMG YES THAT IS THE GREATEST STORY, THE GREATEST GREATEST GREATEST. Dira is amaaaaaaazing.

I believe that that story totally validates my decision to make her one of the five writers I would keep in the Slash Dungeon. (No, really, this is a very important topic! If you had a dungeon - supplied with wireless internet, comfortable beds and chairs, and three meals a day, naturally - in which you could keep any five writers of your choosing, and require them to write full time, which five would you choose? frostfire and I spent a long time agonizing over this. IT IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.)

[abyssinia]

I live in such a weird hockey bubble. I never paid much attention to it (as a sport to watch or play) growing up so my interactions with hockey have predominately been:

1) My mom played tennis with Cammi Granato's aunt, so that first Olympic gold in 1998 was really exciting.

2) A bit over a year ago I decided to start learning to play hockey, predominately with a women's hockey league.

3) Around the same time much of, female-heavy, fandom that I'm on the periphery of got into hockey.

So 90% of my hockey experiences involve either women who play hockey, women who are fans of hockey, or men who are supportive of and actively involved in encouraging women's hockey. And, well, mostly people who like what they like and will take no prisoners when someone tries to tell them otherwise.

Weird hockey bubble. I think I'm going to continue to enjoy it.

[thefourthvine]

I really like your hockey bubble. Can I visit it sometimes?

[missmollyetc]

I am going to print this out and frame it.

[thefourthvine]

Why, thank you.

And at least it has not reached the point where I want to staplegun it to Harrison Mooney's head.

[samjohnsson]

Condolences. It's not just y'all that get pissed off - some of guys get cranked off too. I more or less can't listen to NBC's color commentary any more.

[thefourthvine]

I am totally delighted that some guys get pissed off about this shit, and only wish more would. Maybe we can eradicate sexism and misogyny by getting really cranky at misogynists! Always worth a shot.

(And you can't listen to NBC's color commentary because you have a functioning brain. Holy shit. I can only assume they do some kind of pre-screening to ensure they only consider people who can be inane and annoying at the same time. Unless there's an intensive training program? I don't know if it's a gift or a skill, is what I'm saying.)

[commodorified]

... So you need to start a sportsblog. I'll be your derby correspondant!

I would READ THE HELL out of a sports blog written as wonderfully as you write. As would probably most smart sportz fanz.

[thefourthvine]

...Maaaaaaybe. Hmm.

[commodorified]

Also, because I feel like this will make you smile right now? And because I am
forever and a day so insanely proud of my sister and will show her off at the drop of a puckhat.

This is my big sister, on the left, in her gear, doing her bit toward tutoring the children in the ways of righteousness



Her again, grey jacket:



And this is her team.

[thefourthvine]

YOUR SISTER IS A WONDERFUL PERSON. And adorable. Clearly it is genetic.

You should indeed be proud of her! BRAG REGULARLY, that is my advice.