Super-Wanky Special Poll: Nobody Loves Me, Everybody Hates Me. I Think I'll Go Eat Trolls.

[thefourthvine]

Except, see, I really don't want this to get wanky. I'm just not sure there's any way to discuss this without wank, although I'm going to try. Try really, really hard.

And please keep in mind, as you read this and select various boxes of clickiness, that I am not asking why no one loves me. Because, actually, I feel very loved. (Um, yeah, the title of the post and the poll would seem to argue otherwise, but my feeling is: if I'm going to post on a topic of potential wankiness, I might as well make fun of myself. That way, at least it will be amusing. To me, I mean.) LJ has been good to me.

It's just that anniversaries are much on my mind lately. (Best Beloved and I will be celebrating our, um, somethingth year together tomorrow. We still haven't figured out just what number year it is, though.) And my LJ anniversary is coming up, so I've been reflecting on it, in my usual mature, considered manner. ("Hmmm. Two years? Really?" [pause for thought] "Oooo! Porn!") And I've noticed that, over time, my experience of LJ has changed. For example, I'm much less likely to make friends (actual friends, not friends-list friends) now, and when I do, it's as a result of me seeking other people out.

Also, I've been getting strange responses to the comments I leave in other people's LJs lately. Used to be, people just responded. Or not. Whichever. Now - well, I sometimes get responses that indicate major astonishment that I commented on a friend's post at all.

This is weird. Isn't it? It's new to me, anyway, and therefore weird to me.

Admittedly, I'm not the biggest commenter; I don't comment on 99.5% of the posts I read, because I'm just not very social. (People who know me in real life are invited to take 10-15 minutes to laugh helplessly on the floor at that understatement.) But that's always been true, the not commenting and the not socializing. So I'm kind of wondering if the subtext of these new, weird responses is, "Wow. You actually came down from your high horse long enough to leave a comment in my LJ! A very long and pointless comment, let me add, which I'm kind of astonished you thought I'd be interested in." (Because when I do comment, I do it to excess. You should all be very glad I don't comment any more often, actually.) In other words, I'm wondering if my bad LJ habits (lack of comments, spotty replying, a dearth of posts) have made me something of, um, a Notorious B.I.T.C.H. (I'm spelling it! For purposes of delicacy! See? No wankiness here!)

Which, hey, if that's the case, I'm fine with it, actually. (Yet more evidence for bitch-hood, I realize.) But, okay. You know how we are all destined for hell because of all the fun we're having? I suspect I will not be frolicking on level 2 with the rest of you lusty folks, but rather wherever it is they store the excessively curious. (I'll be asking "Why?" in hell, in other words. This is a very suitable fate for me.) I'm okay with my LJ experience changing; I'm still having just as much fun here - more fun than is legal in most states, in fact. But I want to know why it's changed.

So I'm asking you.

But, seriously, this is not a request for you to tell me you love me. (Love doesn't need a season! Or a reason! Or a wankfest!) Instead, I invite you to speculate on why other people don't love me. Or, at any rate, why they seem unwilling to talk to me, and why they sometimes act shocked when I talk to them.

Plus, it's an occasion to post a poll. And is there ever a really bad reason to do that?

[Poll #671603]

Comments

[cranberryink.livejournal.com]

I remember some actress responding to the question of whether or not it was easier to get dates now that she's famous, etc. and she said it was, in fact, much harder. But why!?! Well, because nobody asks anymore, she said. People just figured she already had a zillion friends and dates and didn't need any more losers pestering her to spend time with them.

A situation which may parallel yours a bit. All the fame, though probably less of the fortune, I'm afraid. You're pretty well-known around these parts, and I imagine not a lot of sane people want to be the dork pestering you with comments and questions. Plus, you come across as really articulate and intelligent. And you know how secure people on the internets can be. ;)

[stillane.livejournal.com]

As someone you don't know from Adam, as well as a person who's been in the fandom waters for less than a year, I can completely support this statement. When people I respect comment on something I've posted, and particularly when they say nice things, my surprise stems more from a 'holy crap, fan X noticed something I did?' zone than any negativity toward said fan. It isn't that I think she's a snob; it's that I'm stunned to be seen as worth checking out in the wide world of fic. I tend to try to avoid blowing that coolness by revealing my silly underpinnings.

So, basically, yes, I don't want to be the dork pestering you, even though you would undoubtedly be kind and generous about it.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_divya_/]

People just figured she already had a zillion friends and dates and didn't need any more losers pestering her to spend time with them.

Yes, this. I said the same thing, but you said it in under a million words, so points for you! *G*

[madmadharri.livejournal.com]

ditto! (thanks for saying what i was thinking so well.)

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

You know, a number of people said this. And it left me kind of staring blankly at the monitor, because that is just really not how I see myself. I think of myself as on the periphery of fandom: the weird girl doing her own thing on the sidelines. Until people began expressing surprise at seeing me in their comments, I assumed that most people I commented to wouldn't recognize my LJ name. Hence the cognitive dissonance that created this post: these people have an expectation about me that directly contradicts my expectation of them.

That's why, even though I think this poll was maybe not the smartest post I've ever made, I'm glad I did it. It's fascinating to see the difference between my view and everyone else's.

And you know how secure people on the internets can be. ;). Now that, I totally get.

[cranberryink.livejournal.com]

It is always a little disconcerting to see how other people's perceptions of us differ from our own. But honestly, I think it has less to do with the frequency of your posts than the quality of both the things you discuss, and intelligent and articulate way you discuss them. It's intimidating to those who just sort of flail around and post whatever's on their mind at the moment.

However, as someone who's met you IRL, I can safely say that you're not intimidating in person at all. :)