I'm back from my long and pleasant exile from the internet, work, responsibilities and all other earthly attachments.
Well, not really. I did have 2 weeks off work though, for the holidays, and though this is the first year when I haven't traveled anywhere during that time I did try, as one of my friends put it, to "breathe. Just breathe."
I'm still kind of utterly puzzled about how I managed to survive the previous 3 months. People keep telling me I'm so accomplished and amazing for managing to write a thesis draft while working full time, but like, I actually did those things while also being "homeless" and living in a friend's guest room while having 90% of my earthly possessions packed up in boxes, while ALSO being disabled with two herniated disks in my back and going to physical therapy for that.
For 3 months I sacrificed every little thing that brought me joy to fit all of that shit in there, to stay functional, and it's just been... I'm amazed I survived as well as I did. It took about 6 days of being on vacation - complete, utter vacation, with no plans, no obligations, staying with my parents where I basically didn't have to do any chores or cook my own meals, just read fic and watch shows and lounge around in bed, until I felt human again. Until I felt like myself.
And let me tell you what the definition of feeling like myself is, apparently: it's finding joy in little things, utterly mundane, inconsequential things, instead of constantly feeling like the objective of any given day is to not let myself burst into tears.
I've moved into a new apartment, and it's still stressful and new. I'm not used to my new roommate and his schedule/habits, I'm not used to the noise outside my window, I'm not used to my room, and I'm not used to the schedule of getting to and from work from this new place. I'm not used to any of it, and it's uncomfortable, and requires adjustment and experimentation and stressful dealing.
But at the same time - I find joy in the idea of going to the store and buying foods I like to make breakfast with on weekdays. I find joy in the idea of buying little things online that I've really needed, like charging cables for my phone. I find joy in the idea of baking on weekends, and shopping for warmer clothes. Seeing the weird, beautiful tree outside my building makes me smile, as does warm weather and the sea.
It's like I've been... cleansed of some of the intense, to-the-core anxiety about the world, and I can think a little more clearly. I can deal with things instead of feeling crushed constantly. I'm back to being, more or less, myself.
I did use my vacation to do a ton of useful things. I did the yearly check up for my car, went shopping for 80% of what I needed at my new apartment, CLEANED my car which had become kind of like my home base in the last few months and was full of stuff that needed to be thrown out or moved. I also met with a friend visiting from Toronto, saw 2 movies in the theater (a big deal for me), went to the beach at least 5 times (and got an ear infection for my trouble :/) and wrote 10,000 words of original fiction.
There's still so many errands I didn't have time for or that weren't possible to get done because of the holidays: I need to do a blood test, go to the government offices that are open like 3 hours a day to change my address officially, go to city hall and get a parking permit for my new address, go to the post office and send a parcel I was supposed to send weeks ago... and that's just the big stuff that can be done during work hours and I need to wrangle my work day to fit in somehow.
Anyway, these are all the real life updates. The truth is I rarely go for this long without making real posts here, and coming back is a little disorienting. On the one hand I want to update about my RL, on the other RL is boring and I just want to talk about fun, ridiculous things.
OK, let's do a list of things that are currently making me happy.
* In November cesy
will be visiting, and she and I will spend a few days up north in a city that's about 5,000 years old. I am SO EXCITED about this \\\o/// Taking the train! Staying at a hotel! Meeting friends from up north on the way back! DAYS OFF WORK DOING FUN STUFF. I was worried about procuring vacation days for this, but so far so good? My former boss told me taking more than two days off would be a problem, but he's... not in charge of me anymore, and the person who technically is didn't bat an eyelid when I said I'm gonna be gone most of the week, so.
YAY FRIENDS AND TRIPS :D
! I resisted this show for a long time because I ABHOR baseball as a sport, but even though I spent basically the entire first 2 episodes yelling about how it wasn't really a sport I was simultaneously enjoying the show SO MUCH. SO SO MUCH. It's a very Status Quo show, but it manages to bring in a nice dose of liberal values, and honestly even if it got everything else wrong, I'd still watch it for Ginny. GINNY. I don't give a fuck about the sport you've dedicated your life to, but I need you on my screen forever.
* The original fiction series The Slave Breakers
, which I've been rereading. Despite the atrocious title, this series is just... endless trauma recovery (without the actual trauma on screen), praise kink, comfort, support, cuddling, kindness, caretaking, etc etc. If you're able to read any kind of slave fic at all (if you were able to read Captive Prince, for example) I recommend checking it out. It's about people who are poly and kinky and emotionally honest and just... the true kink of this verse is kindness. Just... endless kindness. It's so relaxing to sink into, like a bubble bath.
* If you speak Russian: this ridiculous thing
(about how to turn someone gay with a spell), and this ridiculous Erik/Charles meme
* In RL ridiculousness - I've recently been added to a whatsapp group for ex-spies. Yes, you heard that right. ( My life has definitely leveled up in surrealness. )