thefourthvine: Two people fucking, rearview: sex is the universal fandom. (Default)
Normally, I celebrate Valentine's Day by recommending gen. Yes, I am ever the devil. But this year, I couldn't get a set together in time for the 14th, so instead I am going to commemorate something more appropriate for the day after the Big Love Day: intoxication and addiction stories!

Look, it makes sense in my head, okay?

The One That Features the Perversion of a Fine Old Tradition for the Purposes of Getting Two Guys to, Um, "Fulfill Their Destiny." And Isn't That What Fan Fiction Is All About? Misrule, by [ profile] thehoyden. Merlin, Arthur Pendragon/Merlin. (Does Merlin have a last name? Is Merlin his last name, and his first name is, like, Egbert or Rupert or Meredith or Victoria or something? Egbert Merlin would be a lovely name for anyone, I think.)

I thought I'd start off with the most customary form of intoxication: alcohol! Ingested orally! They were nothing if not traditionalists in not-really-medieval-England. (Visit not-really-medieval England on your next trip to Las Vegas! It's like medieval England, but cleaner and prettier and everyone has nice teeth and tomatoes. No, really: Merlin (the show) is exactly how Las Vegas would recreate King Arthur's court. Which, actually, they probably already have, complete with a Merlin the Magician magic show and a Dancing Sorceresses All-Girl Revue; I have a carefully-nurtured mental block about Las Vegas.)

And, as is equally traditional, they really enjoyed dressing men up in women's clothes back in not-really-medieval England. Totally understandable, especially when the man in question is Merlin (and there are a couple of women around who apparently regret not having Barbie dolls when they were growing up). And need I tell you what happens when you get people drunk and cross-dressing? Sex, of course. It's elementary.

Really, this story is a microcosm of everything that a traditional intoxication story is and should be. Including extensive awesomeness.

The One That Shows Us That Ari Gold’s Kryptonite Is Angry Lesbians. As Well It Should Be, Ari. As Well It Should. We Have Secret Powers. If We Were Anybody and Get It Together, by [ profile] fourteencandles. Entourage, Eric Murphy/Vince Chase.

There are certain themes that pretty much define a fandom. Like, I know that I'll be able to tag any Smallville story that's over 250 words "secrets and lies," because, well, if I told you to write a plot summary of Smallville without using any terms like "superhero" or "Superman" or "powers" or "so doing it," you'd probably end up saying, "It's. You know. There are secrets, and lies. And stuff."

For Entourage, the tag that will fit every story in the fandom is intoxication. Which, I mean, totally understandable, because in Entourage, there are four main food groups: drugs, blowjobs, power, and money. (No, of course they don't consume any actual food. This is Hollywood. You're only allowed to eat if it costs more than $15/calorie.)

But even for Entourage, Vince manages truly spectacular levels of consumption in this story (in the second part, but then, if you're a fan of happy endings, you'll definitely want to read these together as one story). Which means he gets to experience one of the oldest Hollywood traditions, right behind punching reporters: rehab. And I don't know about you, but I have always wanted to see Vincent Chase (which I keep mistyping as Vincent Chaste, a ha ha) in rehab.

And this is a nice, long, meaty story, one you can read even if you have no idea who these people are. (Hint: Vince is a movie star. Eric is his manager. They loooooooove each other. No, really, this is canon. They may not be fucking, but the marriage is already in place.)

The One That Demonstrates That in the Pegasus Galaxy, Masturbation Really Can Make You Crazy. I Can't Say I'm Surprised. Fix, by [ profile] crysothemis. Stargate: Atlantis, Rodney McKay/John Sheppard.

This story does not contain your more traditional drugs - alcohol, cocaine, magical fruit powder - but it does contain the ultimate drug of the Pegasus galaxy: Ancient technology. Addictive Ancient technology. Addictive Ancient sex technology. I know, you're already sold.

And well you should be. In addition to featuring addictive Ancient sex technology, a phrase that I am sure could cause Rodney McKay to achieve orgasm if uttered with sufficient conviction, this story is also choose-your-own-point-of-view, a concept that I love almost as much as McKay loves Ancient tech. (No, really. I love screwing around with point of view. And. I mean. I love fandom's tight focus points of view, but often I will, for my own enjoyment, write versions of stories or scenes from the point of view of some other character. I have been doing that to fiction since I was in second grade, and now I do it to fan fiction, too. I just cannot help myself.) I suggest reading either the John version or the Rodney version, and then reading the other one. (You can also do the combined one, but definitely do that one last, okay?)

Anyway. If you still aren't sold, despite addictive Ancient sex technology and choice of point of view, then - well, okay, I am sad for you, because I don't think there's anything I can say to sway you. But I will add that this story also is very satisfying to me, because I have long been convinced that the Ancients were incredibly skeevy bastards that you wouldn't want floating around your universe as disembodied all-powerful beings, and I believe this story supports that point of view most heartily. (Have we had an "oh, those skeevy Ancients" challenge at [ profile] sga_flashfic? Because if not, I think I need to lobby for it. I want to spread my Ancient phobia as much as possible, thank you.)

The One Featuring That Time-Honored Slash Trope: Seduction by Peer-Reviewed Research. And If That's Not a Time-Honored Slash Trope, I Submit That It Totally Should Be. Let's Not Talk About It and Say We Did, by [ profile] miriam_heddy, ReGenesis, Bob Melnikov/David Sanstrom.

I will be up front: I have no idea what this fandom is about. I'm guessing science comes into it somewhere, but for all I know, these people could be ninjas. (And, hey, possibly they are science ninjas, which I think we can all agree would be such an awesome television concept that Fox would probably cancel it halfway through the pilot.)

But, basically, it doesn't matter what these people are at work - accountants, modern dance choreographers, telemarketers, science ninjas for hire - because what they do at this uncomfortable dinner gathering is: have too much to drink and some uncomfortable conversation, followed by one of those hookups that you just know will be discussed in office gossip in mingled tones of horror and hope: "Either they'll kill each other and we'll all die in the resultant nuclear winter, or this will solve all our problems!" And I love that in a pairing.

Most of all, though, I love these characters. They're such - such people. And I have no idea if they're like that in the canon, or if this is part of what we might term the value-added aspect of fan fiction, but I love them. They have flaws! Many of them! And I just read this whole story hoping that their flaws will properly align and they'll end up together.

If you're still like, "Huh, slash for a television show I've never heard of that TFV knows nothing about - I think maybe I can pass this one up," let me add a special note for SGA fans. People, this is almost exactly like if you hooked up two alternate universe Rodney McKays. Seriously. Read it and I think you'll see what I mean.
thefourthvine: Two people fucking, rearview: sex is the universal fandom. (Default)
So. I do plan to reply to all the comments to my poll; I was thrilled to get them, and I actually have interesting things to say in response to most of them. Some of them. Okay, all of them, but we're operating by my definition of the word interesting, here, so those who commented should probably be on their guard.

In the meantime, though, drunkfics. Because a) you know I have love for them and b) no one can suspect any of these of being seriously flawed stories.

And it's interesting to reflect, with my new determination to recommend vids no matter how much I shouldn't*, just how much FF categories don't match vid categories. Drunkfic, for example, is one of the Grand Old Traditions of fan fiction, and yet I can think of only one drunkvid, Charmax's "Lily the Pink," (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, ensemble, available under "BtVS Ensemble" at Bronze Ambition) and even then it isn't the same sort of thing, really.  It could be because intoxication is not all that visually interesting unless you're hoping to get into the pants of the intoxicated person in question. But I'm wondering if it's also because drunkfics focus on two things you can't show in vids: dialog - i.e., the intoxication frees someone to say something he otherwise wouldn't or couldn't - and sex - i.e., the intoxication frees someone to go down on someone he otherwise wouldn't.  

Of course, we could just not see many drunkvids because we don't see much canon drunkenness.  I don't know for sure how often people get down with the substances on TV shows, but I'm suspecting it's maybe not all that often, possibly because of those ever-present Impressionable Children. I do know you don't get a lot of full-out intoxication in movies, probably because, let's face it, when you only have two hours for the entire story, it's tough (though not impossible) to justify spending a half hour on something anyone who attended even one party in high school has seen too much of.

Whichever.  But, anyway, if you want a vid rec for this set, it's going to be "Lily the Pink," which is well worth a look, folks.  If the resultant giggle isn't enough of a reason, download it so you can admire the sheer quantity of drinking shots Charmax found. The Buffy folks apparently used their broadcast time wisely.

And now, speaking of wise uses of time, let's move on to the FF.

Best FF That Proves Definitely What I've Always Suspected: People With Mind-Reading, Mind-Changing, or Mind-Control Powers Are Deeply Wrong and Creeeeeeepy. Yes, Xavier, This Includes You. Memories, by [ profile] rhyo. The Authority, and, honestly, I've no idea what to call this, but in my opinion it's gen. If you're not familiar with the comic book - and, really, if not, why not? - the problem with categorizing this story is that there's a gay relationship in the canon. But although said relationship is mentioned, this story is not about that. It's at least in part about Jenny Sparks, the butt-kickingest team leader ever to slug down a fifth of lab alcohol in seventeen seconds and then travel to another universe solely for the purpose of calling Batman an armor-dependent pussy and Robin a colorblind catamite and both of them sorry excuses for superheroes. Or, wait - just heroes, isn't it? As they aren't exactly super. That is not what happens in this story. But trust me, it could; she'd enjoy the pants right off of that. Here, though, we get to see her doing some things she really doesn't enjoy - to wit, trying to console a team member and get in touch with feelings. Her solution to that problem is get said team member, one Apollo, drunk off his ass. Unfortunately, that loosens his tongue, and Jenny ends up hearing way more than she wanted to. About Apollo. And his memories. And about the fact that, Marvel comics aside, there are very few people who can be trusted to rummage around in someone else's brain, and those few aren't the people who would allow themselves to do it.

Best Set of FFs That Proves That All Major Life Events Are Eased by Whacking Doses of Opiates. Or, OK, No. But Definitely All the Ones That Involve Arterial Bleeding Are. Rock, Toilet Paper, Scissors and Island Life** , by Tallulah Rasa, and does anyone know if she has a LJ? Stargate: SG-1, gen. Yes, more gen drunkfics. I don't know what the world is coming to. I do know, though, that these are actually drugfics; it's morphine, not alcohol, that is loosening the tongues of our good Colonel and his good civilian consultant. (And, yes, I have no problems describing Daniel as Jack's in the absence of slash; for one thing, who else does Jack have? And for another, who else could Daniel possibly belong to? And for a third, well, that's how they act a lot of the time.) Oh, and I should warn you; the author doesn't consider these stories sequels. I do, in the sense that when I read one, I have to read the other, and one of them mirrors the other, and also I consider one to resolve certain issues raised in the other, so I'm just going to rec them at the same time and save myself a lot of soul-searching. So. In both of them, a leg gets hurt. And there's morphine. And then there's talk. And what talk it is; "Rock, Toilet Paper, Scissors" sums up almost everything I love about this fandom. And "Island Life," well, it sums up why I'll probably never watch the canon. Because this didn't happen in it. And it should have. It should have. So I'll stick with my fan fiction, my denial, and my ignorance, I think. Anyway, even if you're not a big fan of denial or ignorance, these are brilliant stories, both of them, and I can't encourage you enough to go read them right now this minute.

Best FF That Proves That the Flowers Are Our Friends. At Least If We Want to See More Sex. And Who Doesn't? Blindsided, by Resonant, aka [ profile] resonant8. Stargate: Atlantis, John Sheppard/Rodney McKay. All of you wondering what the hell was up with the meaningful-conversation drunkfics may now breathe easy; we have returned to the land where "fun with chemicals" also means "fun with body parts." And this one is a whole lot of fun, folks. One of the reasons I get such a kick out of recommending the two Stargate fandoms side by side is the voice of English teachers past in my head, saying "compare/contrast" over and over. (Yes, I am subject to these little auditory hallucinations. Really, it's a small price to pay for the many years of fun I had in classrooms across the land.) Because just as the former stories summed up my love for SG1, this one sums up most of my love for SGA. And I could write a really solid essay explaining that statement, with illustrative quotes and proper structure and everything. But I won't, because I love you too much for that. Instead I'll say: there's funny in this, and also snark, and spitting dandelions, and substance-induced hallucinations. McKay demonstrates why he needs no drug to loosen his tongue, and John demonstrates why he needs no drug to display his fundamental flexibility. (And also that he's just really, really easy, which may not be canon - I'm not sure - but is a peck of fun all the same.)

Best FF That Proves That the Phrase 'Alcohol May Intensify the Effect' Doesn't Just Apply to Medicines. Granted, by Kim, aka [ profile] meadowlion. Sports Night, Dan Rydell/Casey McCall. And here we have another pair of guys that never needed any chemical to loosen their tongues - it would probably take a substantial vat of something potent to stop these two from talking entirely - but who nonetheless benefit from some time spent amongst the intoxicants. What I really love about this one, though, is that Dan doesn't use alcohol to reduce his inhibitions. He uses his brain for that. The alcohol is for plausible deniability, and trust me when I tell you that is so Dan that it might as well appear in his official staff bio. ("Dan Rydell has been an anchor with Sports Night since its inception. Obviously, Dan has an abiding interest in all sports, except soccer, and also NASCAR if you define that as a sport, which Dan does not. He likes Casey McCall, spackle, New York City, Hilary Rodham Clinton, and poker. And he drinks, but mostly to watch other people get drunk; he himself prefers to use alcohol in moderation, except when plausible deniability is essential to his plans.") It's equally typical of Casey that he says exactly the right thing at the right time in this story; the man can be counted on to miss 99% of emotional cues, but the other 1% of the time he hits them so perfectly you sort of forget about his failures. Anyway, this story may be itty-bitty (500 words), but it is an excellent piece of interaction between the pairing often voted Most Meant to Be Together, If Only Because They've Excluded Everyone Else in the Universe.


* If you're wondering why I shouldn't, I could explain it to you. Or I could just point you to my own personal attempt at a meme. It is the movie meme that's been going around recently, and I think it pretty effectively says everything that needs to be said about why I should not be trusted when it comes to recommendations of visual media.

** I already did a theme vid rec for this, so I suppose what I'm doing now is wrong by some definition. Oh, that's right; it's my definition, and I can change it. So after you read "Island Life," go watch "Pretty Angry," by [ profile] barkley, which can be found at her vid site. And, yes, there's a password thingy, but surely every person reading this has read Snow Crash, right? So no worries. (And if not, why not?) The point of watching the vid after reading the FF is that they deal with the same topic. Except that the story makes things the way they should have been, and the vid shows the way things really were. This, for me, is a fundamental difference between vids and FF. Although I imagine I will feel differently once I learn to understand the complex wonder of "created reality" vids, which right now for me translate, 99% of the time, into "random assemblage of clips" vids.
thefourthvine: Two people fucking, rearview: sex is the universal fandom. (Default)
I thought that since so many of us here in the States will be over-indulging on Thursday, now might be a good time to remind everyone about the dangers of excess consumption. To wit, that it can lead to gay sex.

And now we see why I will never get a job writing public service announcements.

But, no, really - the drunkfic is a classic of slash literature (I think calling it "slash literature" adds a certain je ne sais quois, don't you?), and this is a time of year for the classics. Turkey, for example. Apple pie. And, of course, alcohol-fueled gay, gay sex. Thank god for tradition, I say.

Best FF That Shows Us That Random Strangers in Parking Lots Have Many Lessons to Teach Us, Not That I Would Advise You to Let Them. Fifth Wheel, by Emily Brunson, aka [ profile] janissa11. Sports Night, Dan Rydell/Casey McCall. There's nothing more traditional than the Uncomfortable Drunken Conversation. We've all had them. We've all wished we could forget them. But that's because most of them don't end quite as well as this one does. (I hereby wish to apologize to the guy whose name begins with M that I laughed at after he took his pants off in Tracy's bedroom lo these many years ago, and to say that I wish I'd handled the subsequent Uncomfortable Drunken Coversation a bit better. Let me pass on to you an important thing I learned that night: alcohol lowers inhibitions. That doesn't just mean you'll have sex when you'd otherwise think twice. It means you'll laugh at really inappropriate times, too, so it's better not to get yourself in situations where you'll find a near-stranger's underwear amusing, and then be totally unable to come up with a convincing lie to cover for that.) I love this story because it gives us solid first season characterizations: Casey is the fucked up one, Danny is the almost stable and very protective one. Plus, you know, it's written by Em, so it's great. And for those of you who know Em's work well, let me just repeat one thing: it ends well.

Best FF That Shows Us That Bugs Bunny Has Many Lessons to Teach Us, Including Self-Confidence, Comfort with All Aspects of Ourselves, and, of Course, the Importance of Knowing Your Way Around Albuquerque. Samurai Jack'ed, by [ profile] khaleesian. The Fast and the Furious, Dom Toretto/Brian O'Conner. A tradition even more embarrassing than the Uncomfortable Drunken Conversation is the Uncomfortable Morning After When Your Memory Is a Complete Blank and You Can't Find Your Clothes. And, really, Dom gets the full, deluxe, all-options version of this, from the friend who can remember what you did and teases you mercilessly to the discovery that you may have made an embarrassing confession last night to the sudden flashes of memory that you'd give a very large sum of money to go away forever. Fortunately, this ends well, too. Provided you consider a sudden discovery of not-so-latent mutual homosexuality "ending well." I love this story 'cause it's so very, very Dom and Brian - Dom controlled beyond all reason, Brian almost as calm as he wants to be, and both of them totally unable to resist fucking each other's brains out. Plus, we finally see what I think of as the "excessive bruising slash cliche" - because, really, sometimes I think all slash characters have platelet disorders or something - put to good use.

Best FF That Shows Us Our Friends Have Many Lessons to Teach Us, Including When and When Not to Make Sarcastic Comments About Masturbation. Reveille, Shalott, aka [ profile] astolat. Stargate-1, Jack O'Neill/Daniel Jackson. If you thought waking up with no memory of the night before and a friend who has a sudden, unexpected knowledge of your tattoo count was bad, imagine waking up with no memory and a friend who has a sudden, unexpected knowledge of the inside of your brain. (Not to mention the inside of your thighs, although you'd think Jack and Daniel would expect that, considering the many times this has happened to them in FF.) What important lesson can we take home from this? Beware of aliens offering beverages. In fact, just in general, it's a good idea to stick to bottled water you brought with you when you're exploring strange lands. Waking up with a naked friend and another presence in your mind is one of the better things that can happen to you if you don't. And, in addition to all the other things I love about this story, I love that it does the impossible: it describes an episode of involuntary, uncontrollable telepathy that doesn't squick me. Those of you who know that telepathy is one of my greatest fears are the only ones who will be suitably impressed by this, so the rest of you just trust me: it's damn impressive. Go read this at once.

Best FF That Shows Us That Captain Jack Sparrow Has Many Lessons to Teach Us, and Every Last One of Them Is Illegal in at Least Nine States. But, Hey, Don't Let That Stand in Your Way. First Warning, by Rave, aka [ profile] dorkorific* Pirates of the Caribbean, Jack Sparrow/Will Turner. So, if the last story taught us to be careful what we drink in the company of aliens, this story teaches us to be careful what we drink in the company of Captain Jack Sparrow. Though, really, if you needed to be taught that, you should probably have another look at the movie. Here, Jack proves to be, surprisingly, a gentleman. Of course, he's a gentleman who isn't above copping a cheap feel, but then most of them aren't. And Will proves to be, not at all surprisingly, adept at convenient unconsciousness. I bet that got him out of any number of uncomfortable situations growing up. And in addition to the lovely trope of drunken Will and entertained Jack, this story offers us bonus sea shanties! Sort of. Sea shanties sung the way I sing them, actually, which means with only 10% of the words accurate and in the right place. (I'm still convinced there's a song about "Camptown ladies five miles long" and "Camptown rangers" and "something something bay.")

*Thanks, [ profile] goat003
thefourthvine: Two people fucking, rearview: sex is the universal fandom. (Default)
(Note on the title of this entry: am I the only person continually surprised by the massive slashiness and sexiness of the Psalms and the Songs of Solomon? See, I didn't really have any exposure to The Bible in my youth - I mean, until fairly recently, I thought Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John were brothers - so it's coming as something of a surprise to me just how profoundly sexual certain parts of this book are. And that title? Direct biblical quote. Someone explain to me again that this is a religious document, because I think I'm missing the point.)

So. I was going to do an exceptionally gloomy entry on gen. I got it written and everything, and then I looked at it and realized it was depressing the hell out of me, and I was just writing the story summaries. I decided I couldn't, in good conscience, post something that grim. The gen entry is tabled until I can un-gloomy it a bit, and in the meantime, well...

When in danger, dark, or doubt, turn to that perennial source of buoyant joy: the drunkfic. Slash has made me a serious fan of drunkenness, albeit only on the part of fictional characters; now let it make a believer out of you.

Best FF That Dragged Me into a New Fandom, Slammed the Door Behind Me, Locked It, and Then Did Something Shockingly NC-17 with the Key: Djibouti, by Caroline Baker, aka [ profile] linabean, and Fox, aka [ profile] darthfox*. Sports Night, Danny Rydell/Casey McCall. This, folks, is a great story. And here's how I know it's a great story: I read this thing giggling like a maniac. And then it got to the sex part, and I was irritated. Me! The pervert! The big ol' fan of smut! Irritated because Danny and Casey were having sex, because I was afraid they'd stop with the hysterical banter. Turns out, though, that when these guys are in the talented hands of Caroline Baker and Fox sex is no barrier to wittiness, and given the sex act most discussed in this story, that's damned impressive. Anyway, after I finished this story (and finished laughing), I realized that I couldn't even pretend any longer that I was not in the Sports Night fandom. Because I would go a long, long way, at least in the electronic sense, for FF with dialog this damn good.

Best FF Featuring Creative Use of Semaphore Interpretation Skills: Once Again, in French, by Cara Chapel, who I suspect is also [ profile] cara_chapel, though I would really appreciate some confirmation on that. Due South, Ray Vecchio/Renfield Turnbull. Yes, you read that pairing right. I spent several minutes frozen in front of my computer after I saw that, worrying that perhaps I was having an oddly lifelike hallucination, or that I had lost my mind. After a bit, I opened my eyes, inspected the pairing again, and realized it was Cara Chapel who'd lost her mind, not me, so that's good news. But here's the thing: I like Turnbull. (Some may argue that this is proof of insanity right there. They would be big ol' party-poopers.) Admittedly, this fondness is based only on his inconsistent portrayal in FF, but still. I like him. I'm always happy when he gets some, be it sex, respect, or fun, because he seems sorely in need of all three. Well, here he gets a kiss, at any rate, and at least some fun, and it's cute and sweet and a little giggly - just like Turnbull would be drunk, really - and, honestly, I'd read a whole series involving this pairing.

Best FF That Demonstrates, Yet Again, That a Drunken Jack Aubrey Is a Force of Nature, If Not Actually an Act of God: The Best Men, by [ profile] gritkitty. Master & Commander books, Stephen Maturin/Jack Aubrey. Yes, this could just as easily be read by those who have only seen the movie, but I specify M&C books for several reasons. The best one is this: if you like this story, you might as well buy the entire series, because you'll also like the canon. Subtract half of the fondling and all of the sex from this fic and you've got a scene that could be pasted into a half-dozen of the novels. And, frankly, that just makes me swoon. I love it when FF writers capture some essential element of M&C, be it voice, character, pacing, whatever. And I love that M&C is already so slashy that, really, it's hard to believe there wasn't something like this in one of the books.

Best FF Featuring Mention of a Dust Vent and Comparisons to the Cleaning Thereof: Theory and Practice, by Halrloprillalar, aka [ profile] prillalar. Star Wars, Luke Skywalker/Biggs Darklighter, because turns out he does have a second name, at least according to [ profile] penknife, and I think we can all agree that said second name is awful. This is a gentle little kissing fic that I love because I believe in my heart that Luke Skywalker would suck at kissing, and when you read this story you'll understand that I chose the word 'suck' very carefully. I can hear whiny Episode IV Luke in this story, and it makes me sort of nostalgic for the days when I watched Star Wars whenever I was sick. (I now watch Fellowship of the Rings.) When you're getting all dreamy-eyed and sighing over whining, you know that either you've seen the canon too many damn times, or the canon has disintegrated to such an extent that an all-whining, all-pouting movie would now be cause for the deepest gratitude. And in this case it turns out that both are true. So go read "Theory and Practice," and remember that there were days, now gone beyond recall, when George Lucas did not suck at making movies even more than Luke sucks at kissing.

* Thanks for the info, [ profile] darthrami!
thefourthvine: Two people fucking, rearview: sex is the universal fandom. (Default)
Alcohol might not be much on its own, but combine it with fan fiction and we do indeed see how sweet life can be. Of course, there's not so much of the slight here; for the most part, these stories contain some serious intoxication. But don't worry about alcohol poisoning and don't bother ordering blood levels; in fan fiction, drunkenness is just a classic way of getting two people horizontal. Or, you know, into other assorted positions.

To put it another way: yay, drunkfics!

Best FF That Proves That Everything Is Better with Wombats: Vombatus poeticus, by [ profile] q_skud_. Master & Commander, Stephen Maturin/Jack Aubrey (ish). I'm dedicating this rec to [ profile] makesmewannadie, who understands that wombats do indeed make everything better. Wombats can even help with unrequited love, which is pretty much we've got here. This is an itty-bitty fic, and g-rated, so it's really fairly astonishing that [ profile] q_skud_ managed to fit so many of my favorite things into it: wombats, Latin, good poetry (on this occasion by Catullus), Stephen Maturin. It's like I was born just to provide this story with its ideal audience. Plus, it helps fill the world's gaping need for wombatfic. Writers, what have you done for wombatfic today? Remember: fandoms need wombats.

Best FF in a Fandom I Am Absolutely Not Reading, Not Not Not: Vaguely Gay, by [ profile] miriam_heddy. Sports Night, Dan/Casey McCall. Let me just repeat that: this is not one of my fandoms, people. I don't even know what the show is about (though I'm thinking sports probably come into it somewhere), and I am not getting involved in another damn TV fandom. They're too difficult. It's just - the title of this story really appealed to me, because that's what the guys we slash so often are; there's just something, you know, vaguely gay about the way they interact with their supposedly-straight, supposedly-platonic best friends. So I read the story, and it proved to be good, and so here we are. Of course I can't be sure that this is in-character or canon-appropriate or anything, as this is - did I mention this? - not my fandom. Not! My! Fandom!

Best FF That Scarred Me Forever with a Casual Mention of a Former President of the United States: Scotch Courage, by Kellie Matthews. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. Come for the intoxicated Ray. Stay for the unintoxicated sex. And please, please, somebody tell me that the whole comment about our former President doesn't mean what I think it means, because if it does, the resultant mental images will torment me to the grave. In fact, they may torment me into my grave, so please, say it ain't so. (Sorry, folks. Wish I could provide a better summary. But every time I read or even think of this story, my brain fixates on that one horrible implied-but-please-god-not-true President thing, and it just locks up. Ew.)

Best FF Featuring a Sex Scene That Could Cause Impressionable Readers to Begin Singing "Giles of the Nine and a Half Fingers and the Xander of Doom," Which Is Grounds for Murder in Nine States: Four Dicks, by The Spike, aka [ profile] spike21. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Xander/Giles. Can I just say right now that I hate alcoholic-Giles stories? Because I like my Giles shiny and idealistic, and I like him snarky and careworn, but I don't like him passed out. He cannot snark when he's passed out, people. But...I still like this story. It's set in a time when Giles and Xander were both disenfranchised, feeling lost and out of it and wondering what the hell came next; this is a solution way better than the one Joss thought of. And Xander is perfectly in character here, using humor as a cover and a shield. So, you know, even though I don't like stories like this, well, I like this.

Best FF That Makes You Want to Snuggle up to a Warm Fuzzy Evil Demon Monster of Your Very Own: Untitled, by [ profile] wiseacress. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Spike/Xander. This is a bonus story, right here, because it's more of a scene, and anyway I try not to repeat fandoms in one set. But this is so worth reading, because it showcases something too many BtVS FF writers forget. I mean, we hear so much about the Ultimate Sexy of Spike that sometimes I wish Buffy'd staked him in season two. And there's almost as much FF talk about Spike's odd, soul-free humanity. There's just not so much focusing on Spike's evident caretaking need. But it's there, folks. He took care of Dru for a hundred years, even though she spent 99% of that time getting a direct feed from Planet Crazy. I understand he also took good care of Dawn, although I myself have not experienced what we might call the Dawn Season of Buffy (also known as the Sunset Season of Buffy, for an entirely different reason). Here, he's taking care of Xander, and he's clearly enjoying himself, and no, you perverts, it's not what you think. It's shmoop, which so clearly should not work with a BtVS-style vampire, except that it...does. And if that's not enough reason to read this, well, let me up the ante. It contains the phrase "make me your pirate bride." Thought that'd get you. Sure got me; I'll be working that phrase into nearly everything I say from now on.
thefourthvine: Two people fucking, rearview: sex is the universal fandom. (Default)
Today I return to the charming, silly, and extremely redolent world of the drunkfic, in which confessions are made, men are fucked, and there's no regrets until morning. My reasons for using this theme today will become clear with the next Fandoms I Have Loved post; in the meantime, engage in drunken revels with the guys below.

Best FF That Leaves You Wanting to Give a Certain Character a Short but Pertinent Lecture on the Virtues of Knowing One's Ability to Tolerate Alcohol and Not Exceeding One's Limits: First Warning, by Rave, aka [ profile] dorkorific. Pirates of the Caribbean, Jack/Will. Yet another entry in the long series of stories in which Jack gets Will drunk and we're all very grateful. This one has excellent characterization - I think she's got both voices down very well - and is a bit of a tease. Just the thing to begin with, no?

Best FF Featuring an Excellent Use of the Word "Twee," Not to Mention Some Lovely Archaic British Slang: And When He Falls, by torch, aka [ profile] flambeau. Good Omens, Crowley/Aziraphale. I would like the record to show that I am still absolutely appalled by the existence of Crowley/Aziraphale. Yes, I am. But I can't help loving stories that contain as many perfect lines as this one. My love affair began when Aziraphale says "billy-o." By the time I read "Aziraphale tasted like all things good and wholesome, and also like claret," I was prepared to marry this fic. Which I suppose would count as a drunken proposal.

Best FF Involving Meditation as a Cure for Hangover: Bacchus Blessings, by Kass. The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. There are definitely downsides to getting drunk. Because waking up with a hangover is bad, yes, but waking up with a hangover and not being sure whether or not you had sex with a friend - that's hell. And it's a hell we've all visited a few times, so why not make a return trip with Blair in the hot seat?

Best FF Featuring the Customer of Every Used Car Salesman's Nightmares: Fall, by Mia. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. Do we want to see Benton Fraser deep in the throes of repression? We do not, for it is scary and involves learning Arabic and running through chicken coops with the chickens' best interests at heart. Do we want to see Benton Fraser drunk? We absolutely do, even though it is scary, because immediately after the girl named Michelle comes the boy named Ray, and a happy ending - and orgasm - is had by all. Yay!
thefourthvine: Two people fucking, rearview: sex is the universal fandom. (Default)
Ah, the drunkfic - usually short on plot, often long on humor, nearly always featuring the classic drunken confession or drunken flirtation or drunken tryst. Why, reading a drunkfic is almost like being in high school again, only without the algebra, the awful lunches, or the irritating classmates, teachers, and other quasi-humans. So, not really very much like high school. And, fortunately, way more fun.

Best FF Featuring the Coolest Drinking Game Ever: The Literal Game, by Sam Vimes, also known as [ profile] copperbadge. Harry Potter, Remus Lupin/James Potter. The first time I read this, I was so distracted by the game (for it is all manner of nifty, and I long to play it, though probably not with the results Remus got) that I totally missed the spot-on characterization (lots of people seem to miss the mark when writing teen-aged MWPP) and excellent dialog. Noticed the second time through, though, along with the best use of a quote from Kipling I've seen in FF to date.

FF Featuring the Best Four-Word Summary of the Bad Kind of Morning After: In Vodka Veritas, by Gloria Lancaster (don't have a link for her, sorry). The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. This is schmoopy, non-explicit drunkfic with some problems a good beta could've cleared up. But I still enjoy it; for some reason, it makes me laugh, perhaps because it brings back unfortunate college memories. And I love the four-word summary, which comes to us courtesy of Blair Sandburg: "I envy the dead." Also, this story, unlike many drunkfics, features realistic side effects and sequelae to excessive alcohol consumption.

Best FF Featuring Shakespeare Quoted for Lascivious Purposes: Hurricane Jack, by shrift. Pirates of the Caribbean, Jack/Will. Fine. OK? Fine. People out there just seem determined to write funny, good stories with this pairing, and how can I help reading those? And I have to admit this pairing was pretty much made for drunken sex. I mean, if there was ever a character crying out for some nice relaxing intoxication, Will is definitely one such. And Jack, of course, is sort of like a walking drunkfic, and in fact he probably comes with his own built-in wet bar*.

Best FF Featuring a Number of Novel Seduction Techniques, Including with Pie, with Pie and Ice Cream, with Accents, and with Weathergirl: Some Strange Prophecy, by Speranza. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. Well, it had to happen - this is a drunkfic with an actual plot; in fact, there may be too much other stuff in here for this to count as a true drunkfic, but hey, there's definitely drinking. I'm counting it. I don't know how people who loved the television show will take this - it's possible the Fraser here is out of character. He's certainly not being very, um, Canadian, though he's got an excellent excuse. But for those who have longed to read about drunken Mounties in rented Oldsmobiles touring the Southern U.S., this story will meet a number of needs. It should also make happy those who yearn for laidback Chicago cops acting lovestruck, worried, and jealous. The rest of you should give it a try, too.

* You have a dirty, dirty mind. Of course I didn't mean it like that.


thefourthvine: Two people fucking, rearview: sex is the universal fandom. (Default)
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