thefourthvine | 194: It Turns out That I Do, in Fact, Have Time for the Pain.

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194: It Turns out That I Do, in Fact, Have Time for the Pain.

For the very last Sweet Charity, I put my recommending up on the block, and got won by the deeply awesome

dorothy1901. Her first request, sadly, I could not fulfill, for I just don't know enough about Iron Man/Captain America. (I do know, though, that every single person ever anywhere at all should go read this, by

jwaneeta, which is AWESOME and INCREDIBLE and looks exactly like a comic book - I actually had to check several times to make sure this wasn’t a scan from Slash World. Incidentally, if this set depresses you, that will be an excellent antidote.)

But she very kindly offered me a choice. And I chose Unhappy Endings, which is the kind of thing I keep meaning to recommend - there are so many brilliant sad-ending stories that I truly want to tell you all about, but when it comes down to it, I don’t. Mostly because I’d have to re-read them, and then there would be pain and suffering. Which is totally the point, and yet - I read fan fiction pretty much only on my Kindle these days, while I’m nursing the earthling, and he does not like it when I cry while he’s eating. (Seriously. He pulls off and gives me this look. “Mama,” the look says. “Do you MIND? I am kind of busy, here, and you’re getting me WET.”)

So thank you,

dorothy1901, both for giving to charity and for giving me a good reason to do this.

(People, I am assuming I don’t need to tell you this, but just in case: these stories are NOT HAPPY. There is death involved in some of them, and lots of the kind of thing that leaves your heart all sore. If you read any of these stories, I advise you to have some safety-tab stories at the ready.)

The One That Guaranteed I Could Never Read Anything About Arctic Survival Without Sniffling a Lot. The End of the Road, by

katallison. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski.

Once upon a time, a young and innocent fangirl was getting into dS. She loved the fandom so much that she was not as wary as she could have been. Should have been. Would one day be. So she saw the warnings on this story and thought, hey, I can totally deal with less than cheery! Particularly in exchange for something so well-written, so good!

And so she read The End of the Road. And it destroyed her.

Now, here's the thing: I could say, "And that fangirl was me." She totally was me. But I'm not the only one who loved Kat's work, thought she'd take any of it that she could get, and then realized, way too late to save herself, that there was only so much reality she could take. This story taught a lot of dS fans of my generation two things:

For god's sake, know your limits. And live them.
Kat Allison can turn a phrase that will carve your soul from your body. Admire her! But fear her.

And I have both admired and feared Kat ever since. (I've also learned that, while The End of the Road is perhaps the ultimate example of her essential Kat-ness, she's written this theme and concept in a number of fandoms. I handle every one of those stories better than I handled this one, because Fraser. And Ray. IN MY HEART THEY ARE HAPPY TOGETHER FOREVER. No, really. Even after they die, they are still together. Probably haunting some poor young relative who cringes every time he opens a closet because he knows there's a fifty-fifty chance he'll walk in on his crazy dead great-uncles fucking on a desk.)

This story is brilliant. And it's heart-breaking, and that's largely because it's so believable, so real. Kat never writes angst. She only writes pain. And this story has brought glorious, glorious pain to many a dS fan. If you love unhappy endings, you'll love it. It doesn’t matter if you read in this fandom. This one's for you.

The One That Would Have Enhanced My Phobia of Telepathy, Except Such a Thing Is Not Actually Possible. Down with Telepathy! Flinch, by

maisierita. Stargate: Atlantis. John Sheppard/Rodney McKay. Sort of.

One of my favorite kinds of stories is the kind where the person takes a fan fiction cliché and subverts it, makes it new and awesome. Or, in this case, new and real. This story packs a surprising wallop for something so short, and I think it's because of how well it builds on what I might call, in a different setting, the existing body of literature. And then undercuts it.

Because that's the thing: we know how this story goes! There is embarrassment and worry followed by confessions of true love (unless you just cut straight to the hot hot sex). Yay! Except - well, it doesn't go that way this time. You might say this story perfectly highlights the difference between fan fiction and real life, because this is how that would really go. This is how it would be if telepathy was real. (This is why I fear telepathy, people. No good can come of it, no matter how much joyous happy fucking and forever love comes from it in fan fiction. In the real world, knowing what people think can only destroy you.)

I remember reading this story two years ago, when it first came out, and being surprised and impressed and thinking

maisierita would be one to watch, because she manages to pack a lot of pain into this, subtly and without force or angst or melodrama, and anyone who can do that can write. And I was right! She's fabulous. I just think it's kind of funny that, despite all the great stuff she's written that I've read, this story will always be what I associate with her name.

The One That Shows Us That There Are Some Things You Just Can't Share, No Matter How Much You Might Want To. (And Totally Improves by Approximately a Million Times on an Episode of SGA.) The Standard of Comparison, by

agentotter. Stargate: SG-1, Jack O'Neill/Daniel Jackson.

The thing is, SG1 has a lot of stories I could have picked for this set. I was totally spoiled for choice. (Partly this is because I can handle sadder stories in SG1 than I can in other fandoms. Partly this is just because the world ends an awful lot in this fandom, and any story in which the human race is extinct at the end is probably going to fit in an unhappy endings set. At least if you’re human, and I tend to assume, perhaps unfairly, that most people reading this LJ are.) I mean, I thought of this story right off the bat, as soon as I'd read

dorothy1901's request, but I decided to do Important Research. So I re-read approximately 5 million SG1 stories, sniffling many times over each, and finally decided to go with my first instinct.

What can I say? It's another one that has stayed with me. And I love the way the unhappiness just unspools from the ending. It's not just that it ends unhappily, it's that things are definitely going to get worse. Jack and Daniel are stuck in a bad place, and the only solution to the problem is worse than the bad place. But they can't just choose to stay there, either.

Because I am that kind of person, I usually spend a few minutes writing a sort of mental fan fiction for any story I read that I really liked. (I've doing this since I was a kid. I wanted to know what happened to every single person in a book from the ending until forever. And then I wanted to know about their kids. It drove me nuts that the authors just left the characters there, when clearly there were unresolved questions! Like what they had for dinner the next day, and what happened when they grew up, and if they got a dog and what they named that dog. I think I was a fan fiction reader born, not made.)

But I can't do that with this one. It hurts too much. I'd rather leave Jack and Daniel in limbo forever than imagine what has to come next for Daniel. And for someone who was deeply, sincerely resentful of Charles Dickens for not going into sufficient detail, that's saying something.

The One That Teaches Us the True Meaning of Things Man Was Not Meant to Know. Inextricable, by

lunabee34. Star Trek Reboot, Jim Kirk/S'chn T'gai Spock (Apparently that is his real full name - thanks,

bluemeridian. And thus we see that even Spock could not escape the Alien Apostrophe Law. Apparently being half-human doesn't help. Also, does anyone but me wonder how he can have a name unpronounceable by humans if his mother was human?)

So. This whole story is basically one huge movie spoiler. I'm cutting here for anyone who hasn't seen the movie yet and wants to, even though I think I am the last such person in existence. (People on MARS have seen this movie by now.) I am also cutting, while I'm at it, for spoilers for the story.

This is a short story that packs a painful wallop. And, see, that makes sense. The canon situation that Jim Kirk is in - well, it's a good thing he's basically a happy-go-lucky guy (or, okay, not exactly, but he's not going to be a secret cutter, either; if has some frustrations or angst he needs to get out, by god he'll blow things up). Because, uh, having a memory of an awesome future that won't be yours: this is not a recipe for joy. This is a recipe for lying in a darkened room and listening to whiny music and telling your friends there's no point in doing anything, because you can't live up to yourself. I would not blame Kirk for that.

Not that he's doing that in this story. Instead, he's trying to take what he can. I totally approve. It's just sad, is all. There's a happy ending here for lots of people - for Reboot Spock, and Uhura, and probably Sulu and Chekov and Scotty, too. Even Spock Prime, I would argue.

But not for Jim Kirk, who gets to know he should have had something very wonderful, that he desperately wants. Except that it's never going to happen. (And he can't even wish for it to happen, since it would require, you know, hurting his friends.)

I don't believe that this is how things work for Jim Kirk. But even so, I can totally believe in this story. And I love it for that. Even thought it makes me sad. And that’s pretty much the whole point of this set, isn’t it?

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Gah, The End of the Road! That story haunts me. The problem is that Kat's realism is so perfect, so uncompromisingly razor-sharp real that somehow this story's embedded itself into my memories of canon -- it's realer than the real episodes! Like, whenever I musingly think about Ray and Fraser sledding off into the sunset, my automatic next thought is: "Oh yeah, and [deleted for spoilitude]." And then I have to REMIND myself that it's just The End of the Road and not ACTUAL CANON. But still. ARGH.

I just realized that Flinch and Forget Me Not were written by the same person. I did not realize this previously because while I love Flinch, I'd forgotten the author because I haven't re-read it. I don't have to; I swear that I can feel every single moment of that story right now without going back. What a punch in the gut, and I have to say, for me that's far more powerful than the tear-wrenching angst most writers of unhappy endings seem to prefer.

I know I'll be in the minority here, but Flinch had a much greater impact on me than The End of the Road, for the very reason that in my heart, Fraser and Ray are together forever. Yes, it broke me when I read it, but it didn't hurt deep down. John and Rodney, on the other hand? For all that I love SGA fic, deep down, Flinch is how I believe it would really happen. I actually stopped reading unhappy stories in SGA almost entirely after Flinch, because I think if I read more stories like this, it'd kill the pairing for me.

I have, however, re-read Forget Me Not many, many times. Hell, I might just need to do so again right now.

Your link to Jwaneeta's comic isn't working, which is a shame due to her total coolness. (I have taken her around Oxford, so I know).

*flirts with Earthling and wanders off*

This is very true - I've found it to be an excellent motivating factor to look around, realize nobody else is going to write what I want to read, and then do it myself. It worked pretty well last summer, so I'll have to see what happens this time around.

Thanks for these! I am both anxious and eager to read the SGA one in particular.

And I think Spock's mom just called him "Snookums."

Shall I tell you what is terrible? I'm getting that angsty hurty feeling about these stories just from reading your recs. You didn't even go into that much detail and I'm still going "D: But character x/y/z!!! *clings*". Clearly (and I knew this already) I am not an Unhappy Endings sort of person. I really want to read these, because they sound so good. But I know that I WILL NOT COPE. I also know I'm probably going to read them anyway. Heh.

It reeeally does. Man. *sniffles some*

You know, I'm close to tears just from the idea that Ray and Fraser don't end up together, so maybe I'll try reading that story when I haven't just moved out of my house and eveything's emotional. Or never, because, really.

Also, Inextricable is amazing; in part, I think, from the fact that the only person who can understand how Kirk feels, is the person who got to have what he wants, got to have this relationship, the knowledge of that love, and I find that utterly heartbreaking.

I lovelovelove angst, and have deliberately set aside entire evenings in which to read all my bookmarked Really Sad Fic, but Kat Allison has, like, witchcraft on her side. Never again.

See, and I don't even LIKE angst, and most of the most painful stories I read I tag with the equivalent of NEVER AGAIN. And yet I could not STOP reading The End of the Road. Truly, Kat is magic. VERY DARK MAGIC.

See, it's totally NOT my canon. IN MY HEAD THEY ARE TOGETHER FOREVER. THE END. And it's actually Kat's realism that allows me to do that, because nothing Ray and Fraser EVER have done has been that realistic and true to life. So it doesn't really match canon, and I can think of it as an AU set in a much grimmer world. Like, you know. Ours.

Fraser. And Ray. IN MY HEART THEY ARE HAPPY TOGETHER FOREVER. No, really. Even after they die, they are still together. Probably haunting some poor young relative who cringes every time he opens a closet because he knows there's a fifty-fifty chance he'll walk in on his crazy dead great-uncles fucking on a desk.)

YES.

Flinch absolutely is a punch in the gut. I've re-read Forget Me Not dozens of times - seriously, SO FABULOUS - and yet I probably have the same level of recall for it as for Flinch, which I read first and have only read twice now.

I, yes, am one of those who can say that The End of the Road killed me worse than Flinch. But they both hurt. Magnificently. (And I totally see your reasoning, but I cling to both pairings. Neither story is reality! TOGETHER. FOREVER. *clings*)

Fixed!

And, hey. I want a tour of Oxford from you. *sulks mightily*

It is a fabulous story. They all are. HAVE A SAFETY TAB OPEN AND WAITING.

Maybe she called him Spockums! Awwww, oo is a widdle Spockums then? Ooo has the pointy-pointiest ears of allllllll?

OMG IF THE SET MADE YOU SAD DON'T READ THE STORIES. Seriously! The End of the Road will KILL YOU. It has killed before! I mean, yes, it's fabulous and brilliant and should win world-wide acclaim and maybe a prestigious literary prize, but I think it is probably NOT FOR YOU.

True story: The End of the Road was the fic that got me into dS fandom. I read it off a rec without ever having seen more than a few minutes of the show, fell hard into the fandom, and then reread it a few years later once I was deeply in love with Fraser and Ray...and will probably never read it again. Because it's just that good, and it hurts just that much. ♥

Oh, man. I didn't expect just the SET to make quite this many people sad. I'm sorry! But, yeah, probably wait until you are in a better place emotionally. Or never. Never's good, too. (It is SUCH a brilliant story, though. I want to emphasize that! Just not for people who cannot handle the sad.)

And especially not for people who are moving. (I hear you on moving being HAAAAARD. I am in the same place myself right now, and I have empathy.)

the only person who can understand how Kirk feels, is the person who got to have what he wants, got to have this relationship, the knowledge of that love

Yes! And also, he's about to LOSE THAT PERSON. And then he will just have memories of someone else's life. That should have been his.

*tears up*

I love unhappy endings and "The End of the Road" is the end-all and be-all of unhappy endings. Such amazing writing. My poor boys. I remember reccing it to a friend who wanted dS fic and I warned her and she read it anyway and then came to me crying about how awful and wonderful it was. :)

I'm so excited to check out these others.

Come on over. I promise not to stare at your boob at mealtimes.

I hadn't read Inextricable, so thanks for sharing the link (and causing me to tear up at work - good job!). now I can't shake the image of Kirk, knowing what his life could have been/was, and knowing it will never be.

It's something in the air. Or the person whose bookmark on delicious I've followed actually read your post and made it then. So, I've read Flinch just today, before I've read your recs. And ok, I read fics carelessly, because most of the fandom bring the happy to the masses. Thus, it was really a punch, I was left blinking helplessly at the screen, wondering what just happened. The thing that fascinates me most is that I really thought, was 100% sure that another 5000 words, and everything will be all right. I'm spoiled on happy ending fics.

I usually wait for a really crappy time in my life to read angsty fics, so that I know that life could be a lot more crappier. I'll put The End of the Road on my waiting list.

OMG I AM NOW FAMOUS. I'm told that I now have some sort of street cred with "fandom bingo." I'm not sure what that is. Still. BINGO! Now I've officially hit the big time. I guess that means I need to start writing better things now so I can keep getting the rec hit. First one's free, right? ;)

BTW, I'm too much of a wuss to even click through to The End of the Road, because I suspect that I have read it, and I don't want to retraumatize myself. I do like the bittersweet stories (or even just the bitter ones), but they are single-use for me; I can't read them again. And I have to go make my brain happy again by reading something fluffy afterward, or I turn into a sad emo kid. But that story was really good. In a really sort of evil, bad way.

It wasn't so much the set itself as the thought of "sad stories?! About my characters?!" I did read 'Flinch' and even though it hurt it was worth it. It is nice to see some non-fluffy-cliched true love forever fics (I'm not knocking these fics, I love them lots, it's just nice to see some variety). The nice thing about fic for me is that for every heartbreaking story I read, I can read ten stories where the characters live happily ever after.

Of course, I value my sanity and so I'm inclined to agree that The End of the Road is probably not for me. I'll be over here, sending it love and admiration (and just a little bit of terror) from afar.

Because I am that kind of person, I usually spend a few minutes writing a sort of mental fan fiction for any story I read that I really liked. (I've doing this since I was a kid. I wanted to know what happened to every single person in a book from the ending until forever. And then I wanted to know about their kids. It drove me nuts that the authors just left the characters there, when clearly there were unresolved questions! Like what they had for dinner the next day, and what happened when they grew up, and if they got a dog and what they named that dog. I think I was a fan fiction reader born, not made.)

OH THANK GOD, IT'S NOT JUST ME.

In other news, Flinch is awesome and perfect in that utterly gut-wrenching way. And Inextricable is so, so sad but somehow really beautiful. I don't know how that works, but... yeah.

BE IT SO RESOLVED ON THIS FIRST DAY OF JULY, IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND AND NINE.

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194: It Turns out That I Do, in Fact, Have Time for the Pain.

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