From the Archives

[thefourthvine]

They're coming to take us away. Our internet, I mean, and also everything else in our house. The theory is that we will get our stuff back in our new house, and it will have internet on Monday, but not one other thing in this move has gone according to plan, so I'm not counting on that, either.

I am, however, hoping for a kind and naive neighbor with an unsecured wireless connection. If I don't get that, I will see you when I see you.

As I was shutting down my computer prepartory to moving, I found a number of half-finished posts and posts I never got around to, you know, actually posting. And I thought I would leave you with one of them. This I wrote after I wrote the fanfic warnings post, because, let's face it. Published writers need warnings at least as much as we do. So I thought I would come up with just a rough start - I mean, obviously there are many many many more warnings needed. Feel free to leave them in the comments. Maybe we can get together a definitive list.

(And, yes, I had at least one specific published writer in mind for each one of these. I offer bonus points, which can be redeemed for many imaginary prizes, to anyone who can guess which writers go with which warnings.)

Published Author Warnings

WARNING: I used to have a three-dimensional character, and then I fell in love with him, and now he is Prince Sparklepants Shinyhorse, the most perfect man/vampire/werewolf/demon/half-unicorn/whatever in all of creation. Also, if people criticize him, or my writing of him, I will go off the rails. On the internet. It will be funny in that way where you keep wondering why my family and friends aren't taking care of me.

WARNING: I write fiction, but I believe every word. If you don't, I will send my characters to kill you.

WARNING: If you read one chapter of any of my books, you will end up reading my entire body of work in a week and a half. After it's all over, you will find you are unshowered and vaguely sticky. You'll have blank spots in your memory and a pervading sense of shame you can only cure by fucking a stranger in the backseat of your grandfather's convertible. (If your grandfather doesn't have a convertible, you're out of luck.)

WARNING: If you read anything I write that isn't fiction, you'll never be able to read my stories again. (Special Certain Science Fiction Writers Corollary: If you encounter me on the internet, there's a 35% chance you'll give up on fiction entirely.)

WARNING: I am so done with this series, but, dude, I bought a house back on book 5 and I've got payments to make. Look forward to the next dozen installments, all of which will read like pastiche from increasingly unskilled hands.

WARNING: I'm not done with this series; I'm afraid of it. I spend all my time thinking of creative ways not to write another word of it. Please stop asking me about it; I'm already heavily medicated and hiding from my fans.

WARNING: I'm a big name. I don't have to listen to my editor anymore.

WARNING: I've decided I'm not writing the hard parts anymore. No more plot that makes sense! No more actual story! From now on, it's bad jokes and sex scenes all the way, baby.

WARNING: I don't think I'm my character. I just wish I was. She's shiny! And perfect! (Special Dorothy L. Sayers Only Exception: If you're Dorothy L. Sayers, you can get away with this. If you aren't, you can't. This means you. Yes, you too. Sorry! It was a one time deal, apparently.)

WARNING: I'm starting to hate my main character, but I'm not going to stop writing about him.

WARNING: I really love myself. A lot. Every word I write is spun gold in text form.

WARNING: I was really, really depressed when I wrote this. I'm hoping I can pass the trauma on to you.

WARNING: I did my research, and by god, you will know it if I have to hit you over the head with fifty pages of utterly extraneous exposition.

WARNING: I didn't do my research. If you notice, obviously you don't care about my art.

WARNING: I am completely fucking crazy. Seriously. All my sentences end with special crazy-flavored periods, and all my articles are special crazy-thes and crazy-ands. And that's just my fiction. In real life, I am even worse. I don't know why they're still letting me attend cons, or indeed leave my house.

WARNING: I...don't really get why we have to have women. I mean, in the species. They just bother me. I can think of only two uses for a woman:

1. To give birth to everyone in the story.
   
2. To act as anti-gay buffering devices. (Stories written since 1970 only.)

Fortunately, it turns out they can mostly fulfill these functions and still be a) dead b) entirely off the page or c) non-sentient.

WARNING: Turns out writing novels really doesn't work instead of therapy, but that hasn't stopped me from trying. For the last 35 years.

WARNING: I wrote this thinking of the movie rights. It's not really a novel, per se - it's more of a pre-novelization.

WARNING: I hate you.

Comments

[exceptinsects]

Oh, so true.

Especially the non-sentient women part. And the worst thing is how horrifyingly often you come across that lovely little trope.

[marina]

NUMBER 1 HAS TO BE ANNE RICE. COME ON! But then, I guess, several of the others would also fit, hahaha.

The one who's afraid of his own series is GRRM in my mind.

I am currently reading Marion Zimmer Bradley's Mists of Avalon for the first time and I wish this book had come with a:
WARNING: I have lost the schedule of the Subtlety Train, so don't expect me to ever get on it. I can offer you a lovely ride from your forehead to the nearest anvil though.

[starfish]

WARNING: I'm a big name. I don't have to listen to my editor anymore.

I can think of a nearly infinite list of candidates for this. Which is really fucking SAD, is what.

[princessofgeeks]

BRILLIANT with a side of brilliant. thank you.

[lolaraincoat]

Ah hah hah, ALL of these refer to Ann Rice, am I right? or am I right?

Good luck with the move! May the horror soon abate!

[elspethdixon]

If you're Dorothy L. Sayers, you can get away with this.

Am I the only one who doesn't think Sayers entirely pulls it off and finds Harriet Vane's relationship with Wimsey slightly o.0 in light of how obviously she's based on Sayers? Admittedly, if I hadn't gone into Strong Poison and Gaudy Night already knowing the details of Sayers' biography, I might have liked her, but once I knew she was a stand in for the author, I couldn't unknow it.

c) non-sentient

Why hello 60/70s hard sci-fi. Also, Jack L. Chalker. If your Changewinds trilogy hadn't introduced me to the concept of girl-on-girl sex (as in, the fact that it was possible at all) at fifteen, I would be a lot less charitable to the deep intrinsic creepiness of some of your writing (why the sub-human intelligence prostitutes with hooves? Why?).

[umbo]

Some of these definitely ring a bell--I'm thinking Anne Rice, Orson Scott Card, and Stephen King all make appearances here.

Good luck with the move!

*hugs*

[shadowvalkyrie]

*loves the warnings*

Good luck with your move! I hope everything goes smoothly! ":-)

[quinfirefrorefiddle]

I'm seconding the Rice, Card, King mix taking care of three quarters of these. I think Heinlein also makes a couple appearances, and my brain went to Melville (Moby Dick) for the "I did my research!" one. And the one about women just has way too many options.

[kathmandu]

Often?! I thought that was only Larry Niven!

[kathmandu]

"WARNING: I was really, really depressed when I wrote this. I'm hoping I can pass the trauma on to you."

Mostly Harmless, Douglas Adams

"WARNING: I am so done with this series, but, dude, I bought a house back on book 5 and I've got payments to make. Look forward to the next dozen installments, all of which will read like pastiche from increasingly unskilled hands."

Laurell K. Hamilton?

"WARNING: If you read anything I write that isn't fiction, you'll never be able to read my stories again. (Special Certain Science Fiction Writers Corollary: If you encounter me on the internet, there's a 35% chance you'll give up on fiction entirely.)"

Orson Scott Card. And Dan Simmons. And some of the authors from the various RaceFails.

[ell]

I'm really really hoping hard that the last one is Herman Melville as I am trying again for th eleventymillionth time to slog my way through Moby Dick and I know he does. Hate me.

[brownbetty]

If you had numbered these, I would be trying to fill in all the slots.

[jain]

So, I do this thing where when I'm reading a book that I don't like, I try to see it from a perspective that will let me like it. (As an example, I hated Wuthering Heights until I stopped reading it as a romance and started reading it as a story about how children aren't doomed to repeat the mistakes of their parents, narrated by an amusingly oblivious prat.)

Not sure if that same technique is something that would interest/work for you, but if so: Moby Dick is a story about men loving each other--and about Melville loving Hawthorne men--and about the dark side of obsession (not just Ahab's, but that of all the men who embraced the sea in a way that nearly annihilated the creatures that sustained them). Other highlights include how Melville gets a number of details about whale biology completely wrong. :-)

[ellen_fremedon]

Wuthering Heights is a saga! Read it back-to-back with Eyrbyggjasaga someday; they're startlingly similar in a lot of ways.

[ames]

Am I the only one who doesn't think Sayers entirely pulls it off and finds Harriet Vane's relationship with Wimsey slightly o.0 in light of how obviously she's based on Sayers?

Actually, that's a pretty common belief, and probably closer to true than not.

[damned_colonial]

"I did my research!" is obviously Neal Stephenson!

[princessofgeeks]

or Michener.

[merrily]

WARNING: I was really, really depressed when I wrote this. I'm hoping I can pass the trauma on to you.

If only this came standard on awful books, like pictures of sad, diseased children on cigarette packs. I could have avoided so much.

The one worth knowing

[eileenlufkin]

Who do you have in mind for "If your grandfather doesn't have a convertible, you're out of luck."

[dragonfly]

But, honestly, she does do it well. I like Harriet. I would probably have liked DLS, too.

[ames]

I agree. :D and honestly, if I were Sayers, I'd be a bit in love with Wimsey myself. Heck, I *am* a bit as it is.

[dysprositos]

Prince Sparklepants Shinyhorse

Anne Rice?

I will send my characters to kill you.

Laurell K. Hamilton.

If you read one chapter of any of my books, you will end up reading my entire body of work in a week and a half.

Mercedes Lackey? Or the, um, Thomas the Covenant dude.

If you read anything I write that isn't fiction, you'll never be able to read my stories again.

Orson Scott Card. Possibly John C. Wright, but then his fiction deserves other warnings as well.

I am so done with this series

Piers Anthony? I'm only saying this because all of the Xanth books read like self-parody. And all follow the same formula. The horrifying thing is I think he genuinely enjoys (enjoyed?) writing each and every one.

I'm not done with this series; I'm afraid of it.

George R. R. Martin, IIRC.

I'm a big name. I don't have to listen to my editor anymore.

Dude. J.K. Rowling. Or George Lucas.

WARNING: I was really, really depressed when I wrote this.

Aww, I kinda liked Mostly Harmless. Even if it wasn't.

fifty pages of utterly extraneous exposition

I have heard Tom Clancy does this?

WARNING: I didn't do my research. If you notice, obviously you don't care about my art.

Mm... this one is really common, but I'm going to go with Dan Brown. (Patricia Wrede, IIRC, didn't defend herself during MammothFail, but if she had...)

I am completely fucking crazy. Seriously.

I have an anthology of SF from like the '50s or '60s, and really the most viscerally disturbing of all of them--in an Id Vortex sort of way--was Harlan Ellison's "I Have No Mouth, And I Must Scream." I was like...ten-ish? when I first read it, and my reaction was largely "dude's got issues."

I...don't really get why we have to have women.

Larry Niven's already been said, D:

[monanotlisa]

I think I have read most of them.

♥

[torachan]

Oh no. Dan Simmons? Really? Dare I ask?

[kathmandu]

"Oh no, the Moslem hordes are coming to get us!"

Not that I liked his fiction to begin with; I read Ilium and it seemed bloated and pointless except for a vague 'we should bring patriarchy back!' suggestion at the end; but the above-linked is as bad as any of Orson Scott Card's essays.

[cesy]

Brilliant warnings.

[turnonmyheels]

I'm pretty sure it's Jean M. Auel

[fjbryan]

J.K. Rowling doesn't listen to her editor any more.

And Tom Clancy loves himself. First book ok, every one thereafter a retread of the form.

My shiny perfect female character? Choices choices. I'm going with the detective series with V. I. whats-er-face.

[ajatshatru]

I love the last one so much XD

[thirdblindmouse]

The MZB warning that I want to see is WARNING: I wrote this book once, and loved it, so I plan to write it at least 5 more times before I'm done.

[watersword]

I am now screamingly jealous of Best Beloved and the Earthling; they get to have you around all the time! That must be awesome.