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thefourthvine) wrote2010-01-18 06:22 pm
thefourthvine) wrote2010-01-18 06:22 pm
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[Trek] Mirror, Mirror
Mirror, Mirror won the poll handily, and is now appointed Lord High King of All Episodes TFV Should Watch after the Gay Sex One, the Robot Kirk One, and the One Where Everyone Is Creepy.
And the poll was right! Or the voters were, anyway. Mirror, Mirror is amazingly good. And it was educational for me; I never knew, before this, why people said goatees were a sign of evil (turns out it's because Leonard Nimoy looks like a serial killer in them). Is this the original TV canon AU? Maybe! Anyway, it's awesome.
A Note about the DVDs
THE DVDS DO NOT HAVE ENGLISH SUBTITLES. We bought them specifically because we wanted subtitles, and they do, as advertised, have them - in Spanish and French. OH MY GOD THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. If I wanted to watch with a transcript open in front of me, I would not be paying full price, if you get my drift.
Also, the first season has faulty disks, althoughcherry_ice has kindly loaned us hers so I don't have to suffer in a Kirkless and Spockless wasteland while they are being returned. Anyway. People who are debating whether to buy this set: don't.
Part One: Shiny, Shiny Evil
The Core Away Team MINUS SPOCK WHERE IS SPOCK OMG is meeting with a group of men in dresses with blue dots on their foreheads. We pause so I can explain the blue dot metaphor to Best Beloved, who somehow missed that part of health class.
Anyway. The CAT is negotiating for dilithium crystals, which means McCoy, Scotty, and Uhura stand around looking thoughtful while Kirk attempts to be charming. The dress men won't deal, because if the Federation ever does anything bad with them at all, that would be a permanent blight on their race so terrible that they would all prefer to die. My basic reaction to this is: hey, admirable in theory, but in practice the Klingons or whoever are sure to show up and make that die-as-a-race thing a reality, and then your crystals will be in the hands of total bastards.
I'm sorry. I am just not the stuff idealists are made of.
So, there are more lightning storms, and Kirk calls Spock.
Kirk: Report on magnetic storm, Spock.
Spock: Standard ion type, Captain, but very strong and quite unpredictable.
Kirk, looking exceedingly reminiscent: Rough ride?
Best Beloved and Me, in unison: Like last night?
Me: This is why everyone says we've been together too long, you realize.
Best Beloved: I was just about to say that.
The blue dot men agree to meditate further, but they already know they're right. And then the head dot guy says, all coyly, "You know, you could always MAKE us give them to you. We'd really like to be MADE to give it to you. You know, with your POWER. Gosh, you look strong." Apparently the planet of the peaceniks has a war fetish. But Kirk refuses their advances and the CAT beams up.
Spock is coming to the transporter room to greet them, but there is trouble, sir. The CAT sort of woobles in and then out again. And then, whoa, we get some deeply unfortunate disco special effects featuring flashing ships and mirror images, and then we see a new Enterprise. With red bits. More red bits, I mean. Oh, shut up. It's different, just trust me.
The CAT appears on the transporter pad in entirely new outfits, although at first I am confused because why would they get the clothes of the other guys? ANYWAY.
You can tell which people are supposed to be the sex symbols, because Bones and Scotty just get some profoundly unfortunate gold lamé sashes, so they look like they're doing the Enterprise Players production of The Pirates of Penzance (and if you tell me that you don't want to see Spock as Mabel and Kirk as Frederic, I will know you are lying). But Kirk, in addition to his sash, is wearing an extra-sparkly, extra-gold lamé wrap vest that exposes his manly chest and biceps and has long gold fringy bits along the shoulders, and Uhura is wearing a motherfucking sports bra as her uniform shirt, along with a lot more jewelry and a skirt that is precisely the same length as her sash. I mean, she's gorgeous, but she looks like she's wishing she had a coat, so I try not to enjoy it too much.
(I totally fail, for the record. But I try. I think I deserve points for that.)
So we learn our first lesson about good vs. evil: making women show their legs (and panties) to everyone = good, but making them also show their bellies = evil. Perhaps bellybuttons are the root of all evil? It makes sense when you think about it.
We then see the Real Baddies - Spock and the transporter room guy. Kirk is riveted with horror by Spock's repellant facial hair, and so are we. I mean, yes, there's some kind of vaguely fascist salute, but the real horror is RIGHT THERE, ATTACKING SPOCK'S MOUTH AND ALL BUT PUTTING HIM IN A T-SHIRT READING "MOUSTACHE RIDES 2 CREDITS."
The CAT is deeply horrified by their new attire.
Bones: What the fuck is with this sash?
Kirk: I really don't feel like I can communicate the proper air of authority if people can see my armpits.
Uhura: CRY MOAR. I don't see anyone else wearing a goddamn belly shirt.
Kirk can't even cope with bad Spock's bad, bad facial hair. You can see he's asking himself how he will ever hide the beard burn from that fucker.
Spock: Standard procedure, Captain?
Kirk, unable even to speak for the horror: *nods*
Apparently that means they are going to phaser the fuck out of the blue dot men. SEE? I told you someone would be along to arrange that shortly. I just didn't know it would be Spock.
Spock applies some very military discipline to Mr. Kyle the transporter room guy, in the form of an "agonizer," which I cannot help but think gets used as a sex toy a LOT in BDSM scenes back on evil earth.
Kirk and Uhura flinch. We can see which crewmembers are coded as girls, all right.
Credits. Whoosh!
Part Two: Uhura Is Secretly a Ninja
Mr. Kyle reports a weird power fluctuation, which, I tell you what: after I'd gone a round with the agonizer, I wouldn't be volunteering any information. Spock asks Kirk if he feels any strange effects, and Kirk says yes, yes he does, and asks Bones to have a look at him.
On the way to sickbay, Kirk picks up the crazy new dance the kids are all doing and starts fascist saluting right and left. You can tell he enjoys it. He really puts a wiggle in it, you know?
They get to sickbay. Bones is pissed off because people have moved his cheese, but failed to clean up the acid spot he made a year ago. We pause to compare the relative size of the gold lamé sashes - Scotty's is by far the largest, then McCoy's, and Kirk's and Uhura's look to be roughly the same size, although Uhura's is of course far more noticeable, since it comprises one third of the fabric she's wearing. Although, hey, if she's comfortable with it? SO AM I.
Best Beloved advances a new and shiny theory: she thinks the Evil Federation took over the Klingon Empire and absorbed their lamé-making facilities. It's really the only thing that makes sense.
Kirk gropes around to explain how this could happen, and I'm all irked because come ON, who hasn't heard of alternate universes? And then I remember that these guys couldn't say, "We're stuck in a mirror universe! Oh no, look out for goatees!" And they also couldn't use that as shorthand for the viewers. So I'm actually fairly impressed that Kirk figures it out so quickly. Another 20 on the deduction roll for Kirk!
Kirk issues orders, and Uhura gets another goddamned "Captain, I'm frightened" moment. TOS WRITERS, I CANNOT TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS.
Off to the bridge and Evil Sulu, who has a scar instead of a goatee.
Evil Sulu sexually harasses Uhura. "Still no interest, Uhura?" He smiles in a way that makes the makeup that made his scar all crunkly. It's the return of Creepy Sulu from The City on the Edge of Forever!
Uhura: You're away from your post, mister.
Sulu: Is Kirk here? Is Spock? When the cat's away -
AND THEN UHURA SMACKS HIM A GOOD ONE. I think she's secretly a ninja!
Let's sum up the lesson so far:
Evil = gold lamé, goatees, and aggressive heterosexuality. Keep your eyes open, people! Evil is all around you!
Uhura tells Kirk that Starfleet is insisting he destroy the blue dot planet. No alternative. Wow, this must be the Federation of Smoking Ruins. Kirk decides not to do it. Spock is all, "Dude, you are not my boyfriend, my boyfriend razes cities on his days off just to keep his hand in."
Chekov sends a secret signal and gets in the elevator with Kirk. When Kirk steps out he gets smashed in the face and captured, and Chekov is there all ready to kill him. Chekov grins psychotically, and then we fade out.
When we come back, Kirk notes in his log that in this crew, officers employ private henchmen to kill their superiors so they can move up. Wow. That command structure sounds stable.
Things look bad for Kirk! But then one of the blue shirted guys, apparently swayed by the sheer force of Kirk's manliness, turns on the other two henchmen and phasers them the fuck out of existence. Two more blue shirts show up - wow, the science crew is fighty aboard this ship - and Kirk says of the guy that helped him, "He's with us."
One of the blue shirt guys says, and I am totally not paraphrasing at ALL, "Smart boy, switching to the top dog." If there are not several thousand stories documenting in obsessive detail the psychosexual dynamics of this AU, I won't be able to believe in fandom anymore.
Kirk punches the guy who helped him - why? - and sends Chekov to the Booth. I am betting that whatever the Booth is, it is not a good thing.
Part Three: Kirk/Spock Pervades the Multiverse
Kirk is with McCoy and Scotty now - holy shit, he left Uhura up there with Evil Sulu and his Merry Crew! - and Bones reaches over and wipes blood from Kirk's chin. Has he never heard of blood borne disease? Or is he already sharing fluids with Kirk? I have a NEED TO KNOW. I am not putting up with that crap, Kirk. Spock deserves better.
Well, except goatee-Spock, who deserves to be held down and forcibly shaved. Oh my god I won't recover from that hideous growth in a hurry.
Kirk interrogates the computer about the whole alternate universe thing, and, frankly I am astonished that their computers are so big and clunky and so very capable of advanced reasoning and fuzzy logic and understanding English and so on. Kirk has the computer read out his file, which is probably published under the title KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL: The James T. Kirk Story.
Scotty and Bones are tasked to fix the ship. Scotty says they can do it, but when they divert power, Sulu will know. Kirk says he'll tell Uhura to make a diversion - Uhura's doing all the work, but I guess if I had a ninja on my staff, that's what I'd do, too. There's just no point in having ordinary people do things when you have distilled awesome available.
Over on the other Enterprise, Evil Kirk is screaming, "I order you to let me go," only with pauses that defy transcription - seriously, you need superpunctuation to accurately transcribe Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise; mere ellipses collapse under the strain - while being wrestled by two redshirts into the brig, where all the other Evil Crew is. Spock is standing outside looking pleased. (He's locked them all into one cell, with one bed, and appears not at all sorry. Apparently Spock is not the man you want to trifle with.)
Kirk: I'll have your Vulcan ears. I'll have you all executed.
Spock, looking as smug as Vulcanly possible: I think not.
And, dude, wow, Spock has totally sussed it all out - he's trying to figure out how to return them to wherever they came from, although I have to say in this case it would probably be better just to kill them, but I suppose that would violate some kind of regulation.
Evil Kirk does some ranting, complaining that his uniform is insufficiently shiny, he hasn't killed anyone in HOURS, and his lackeys are nowhere to be found.
Spock says, "Fascinating."
Back on the other Enterprise, real Kirk is striding around in his pirate outfit, and Evil Spock comes swooping in. After a restful break with real Spock, I am struck anew by the horror of his goatee. I am guessing that while they were planning this episode, someone said to Leonard Nimoy, "What makes you look evil? Black clothing? Eye makeup? Spiky hair? A t-shirt reading Cthulhu for President?"
And Nimoy said, "Actually, I can rock all those looks. Just about the only thing I can't work is facial hair." And a cultural link between goatees and evil was born!
Anyway. "Captain," Spock says, "I am pleased that you frustrated Mr. Chekov's plan. I should regret your death."
We pause to squee. THERE IS LOVE THERE. In this universe, that is the equivalent of a thousand kisses!
Spock explains that he does not want the captaincy; he prefers his scientific duties, and he would rather be a lesser target. Plus he does not look forward to wearing that gold wrap outfit at ALL.
"Logical as always, Mr. Spock."
And then we discover that the Booth means the AGONY Booth, which is a pretty significant adjective to elide, in my opinion. Chekov is in it, screaming. Kirk swoops in to study Chekov, and Spock asks if he's ordered the full duration. Kirk says he hasn't decided.
Spock says that his actions warrant death, and he'd really rather not break in a new captain, when he just got this one how he likes him. Kirk points out that he's not broken, yet. Spock says he's up for another session whenever Kirk is.
Spock leaves. Kirk stares after him with an expression that clearly says: "Wow, even evil, I still totally want to hit that."
Part Four: Evil Wears Its Hair Down
And then Kirk heads off to his quarters and finds a random girl (we can tell she's an evil tart because her hair is loose) sleeping in his bed. Apparently he gets to hit something in this universe, anyway!
She interrogates him about his weird actions. Is this all some plan to advance you to the admiralty? The cabinet itself? We decide we hate her because it's so fucking hard to understand what she's saying, and of course we DON'T HAVE SUBTITLES. Or we do, but neither one of us really speaks Spanish.
Kirk says he's planning to go further than that, if he's successful. Ha ha!
They kiss, but they're interrupted by the weeble noise that signifies a message. Spock is breaking regulations to let Kirk know that he has orders from Starfleet - Kirk has four hours to kill everyone and salt the earth, or Spock has to kill him and do it in his place. That sort of puts a terminus ad quem on their escape.
Mumbly Lady says, "Shall I activate the Tantalus field?"
Kirk, totally guessing, says, "Yes." You should pretty much always say NO on this ship, Kirk! Although I also have to note that saying no probably doesn't matter much here.
She goes off and does something to a grating with a little cubby inside. It contains a screen and two knobs. The screen is the size of a postage stamp. Our see-in-the-dark baby monitor has a bigger screen by far.
"I hate this thing," she says. Apparently she, too, is used to better video technology.
"It's not that bad," Kirk says, but we already knew he wasn't.
We learn that the machine is the ultimate search and destroy tool: it can watch or kill anyone.
She turns it on and Evil Spock is looking right at the screen. It is profoundly creepy. She says, "That magnificent mind of his, but it can't protect him from this. I touch this -" and Kirk GRABS HER ARM OMG DON'T KILL SPOCK EVEN EVIL SPOCK.
We agree that we judge Evil Kirk for telling Marlena about his super alien gizmo. Super alien gizmos are private, Evil Kirk. Didn't your mother teach you that (before you killed her)?
Kirk calls Scotty and says the clock is ticking because Spock might have to kill him. Scotty says he doesn't know the half of it - they have half an hour or they can't get back. Apparently the writer couldn't deal with Spock's goatee any longer, either.
Evil Spock is chatting with the computer, which tells all Kirk's secrets. Spock looks reflective and a penis lights up on his board-thing. He goes for the communicator and asks, "Why are you monitoring my communications, Mr. Sulu?" So we can see that "light-up penis" means "Sulu" in this world. It's odd. I would have chosen that symbol for Kirk, myself.
Sulu explains that there's a lot of computer usage going on. He's just saying. Also, he'd really like Spock to succeed in killing Kirk. "Because the order would fall on me next. And you know how the Captain's enemies have a habit of... disappearing." Sulu looks highly appreciative. He probably thinks they're locked up in a dungeon being whipped. (Do not EVEN try to tell me this ship doesn't have a dungeon. It's probably where the Death Would Be Preferable to This Rec Room is in the real Enterprise.)
Spock tells Sulu that if he succeeds, he will be one step closer to the captaincy, but he shouldn't expect to get closer than that, because even if he does take Spock out, he'll pay for it. SOME OF HIS OPERATIVES ARE VULCANS, which in this universe, as BB points out, seems to mean that they have Ph.D.s in torture. We wonder if the Romulans are the ones who are calmer in this universe, while Vulcans will fuck your shit up. I tell you what, if I knew how to find good fan fiction for TOS, I would be reading it instead of writing up this recap.
Sulu looks bitter. Damn Vulcans.
Back in Kirk's room, Marlena comes back out in a sort of a sheer drape with batwings and a riot of hideous colors. It looks exactly like the kind of costume DC put on their minor superheroes in 1984. She says something, and we pause to have a hectic debate about what it is - I hear "pardon my chaps, darling," and Best Beloved hears, "Hurry, my pants are starting." According to the Spanish subtitles, it's "I prepared my traps, darling." We decide we'd prefer either of the lines we heard over that. Because, seriously, what does that mean? Blow darts? Did she put a gallon of water over Kirk's door? Does she have an attack cooter? Who can say? I check an online transcript, hoping for more clarity; according to it, the line is, "Oiling my traps, darling." ...This lends a lot of credence to the attack cooter theory.
She says she's a little out of practice. How can you be Kirk's girlfriend and out of practice? Because I thought the man was a noted horndog, but the canon is making me doubt this for reals. Maybe she's out of practice with her attack cooter.
She says, "Maybe that's what happened to us, hmmm? It's very hard for a working officer to shine as a woman." We are both now completely confused. Best Beloved says she thought she understood their relationship. I say she's clearly one of those people you never want to invite over because you never know who she's fucking and who she's feuding with.
Marlena says, "You demand perfection."
Kirk says, "I've never seen perfection, but no woman could come closer to it." It's really hard not to hear an unstated, "Now, a certain Vulcan man could come considerably closer." We decide we'll ding him points for misogyny even though he didn't technically say it, because he thought it so loudly Evil Spock probably heard him.
"I remember when you used to talk that way," she says, dancing with her bat wings; we are hypnotized like prey. Probably this is how she distracts people from her attack cooter.
"I still do," Kirk says, and we wonder if he plans to get it on in ten minutes or what. I mean - surely Kirk, Noted Horndog, takes longer than that, right? Right?
"Prove it," she says.
Kirk's response, which will live forever in the annals of seduction, is, "I've gotta go."
She says, "I guess it's over. Commander Kenner will take me on temporarily, he's made that quite clear." We writhe in horror. Is that what women do on this ship? OMG OMG OMG.
And now he's leaving a woman he's spurned alone with a super potent weapon. Good thinking, Kirk! But first there has to be a scene with yet more ooky implications that I frankly would prefer not to discuss.
AND THEN IT GETS WORSE.
"I've been a captain's woman and I like. I'll be one again if I have to go through every officer in the fleet."
OH MY GOD.
She tries to hit Kirk, using the weakest blow I have ever seen - seriously, woman, take some lessons in badassery from Uhura - and then Kirk says she could be whatever she wanted to be - except, for example, a captain all her own self, I guess. And then they kiss.
I am distracted, wondering if her hair is a wig. Best Beloved is also distracted; she's obsessively clock-watching and now she's saying, "You have less than five minutes left. Stop kissing her and go save the universe!" Best Beloved is so goal-oriented.
We pause to try to figure out their relationship once again - they live together, but they aren't together and they haven't been having sex and he doesn't kiss her. Does Evil Kirk seem like the kind of guy to drag out a breakup? NO. He seems like the kind of guy who kills anyone he's had sex with to avoid potential unpleasant scenes. We are confused.
She's confused, too, because Kirk is showing mercy. She asks if she's his woman. "You're the captain's woman," Kirk says, "until he says you're not." EW EW EW OMG EW.
Finally he really actually leaves, and she heads immediately over to the device to spy on him.
Part Five: Uhura Is No Longer Keeping Her Ninjahood a Secret
Poor Uhura has been on the snake pit of a bridge this entire time. Kirk orders her to keep Sulu's attention off that board. OMG EW. That is a criminal order, Mr. Kirk. I am forced to go hide in the bathroom for a bit because of the impending horror, but when I come back, I discover that Best Beloved has hit pause, so I still have to watch it.
Uhura, indeed, goes over to Sulu and vamps him, but in a way that suggests she would prefer to bite his dick off. "Of course," she says, "this isn't the time."
"Any time's a good time," Sulu says. We pause to ponder about the frequency of orgies on this bridge. The people in the back look casual and bored in their body language, even though Sulu is all over Uhura right there in front of them, so obviously this is nothing new. Uhura puts up with it for approximately four seconds, looking the whole time like she'd rather be fondled by a slime mold. AND THEN SHE HITS HIM. We cheer. Evil is no match for ninja Uhura!
Sulu gets pissed off, and she whips out a knife. UHURA WILL TOTALLY CUT YOU. Holy shit, I love her, and I love that in this episode she gets more than just the "I'm scaaaaaared" lines.
Best Beloved points out that it would be awesome if, in this universe, the communicator ear piece was, instead of the frankly amusing silvered honey dispenser, a sharp spike. Then Uhura could cut people with the side of her head! We take a moment to enjoy that picture, I tell you what.
Uhura, continuing to bring the awesome in illegal quantities, backs out while holding Sulu at knife point even though she is surrounded by security officers and alone on the bridge. She orders one of the redshirts to take over - always the professional, even when threatening another officer with a stabbing. And then she sheaths the knife in one of her boots, and holy SHIT, those cannot be the boots she regularly wears, because I would have noticed, they are just criminally hot - and heads for the elevator.
We go back so we can watch Uhura do it all again.
Scotty says it all depends on the Captain now. If he fucks up after all Uhura has done, I will hurt him.
And, of course, Kirk is in the beaming room and Spock shows up with a phaser.
Kirk: Are you going to shoot me now, Spock? I thought I had until dawn.
Spock: I'll shoot you if I want to shoot you.
Kirk, holding up his hands: Not gonna argue with you.
Spock: What the fuck are you doing? Showing mercy, not hurting people - you're like a crazy person. You're not the Kirk I know!
Kirk: You know what, I'm tired of this conversation. Just shoot me.
Me: KIRK, THIS IS EVIL SPOCK. HE MIGHT ACTUALLY SHOOT YOU.
Best Beloved: I don't think any Spock anywhere could ever shoot a Kirk.
Me: Point.
Spock: Hmmm. No. I'm not going to shoot you. I'm going to shoot Dr. McCoy.
Me: Now there is a plan that just might work.
We switch to sickbay, and we have to pause for a long, long time to admire the profile shot of Uhura. Holy fucking GOD, she is so hot I am surprised the other people on the set didn't spontaneously combust from looking directly at her. She is just - wow. Anyone who has not seen this episode, seriously, go watch it immediately: it's worth it for the Uhura profile shot alone.
Kirk comes in with Spock and he tries to take Spock by surprise. There is a rumble! There is always a rumble, I've come to understand this about TOS. This one is shot from way up high, which actually makes it look a lot better than the "oh my god no one actually HIT anything or the entire set will fall apart" fights we've seen from this show before.
Spock is badass. We are not surprised. Each one of them takes a turn running at him and getting beaten up, and, seriously, do they not have AD&D in the future? Have they not learned that the way to take on a more powerful opponent is in numbers? Even a pack of kobalds can kill you if there's enough of them, and anyone who has ever rolled a d20 knows this! I am ashamed of Starfleet training, I tell you. Ashamed.
But finally Uhura grabs a skull and hands it to Kirk, who knocks out Spock. The skull appears to be made of papier-mâché, and makes sort of a splat noise when it hits, but it works anyway. (We wonder why McCoy didn't go for a hypo. Or why anyone didn't go for a phaser, although we sort of suspect that phasers do not stun in this world.)
Scotty says they have at most 15 minutes left. McCoy says they have to take care of Evil Spock or he'll die. That's enough for Kirk, who comes on over to help.
Scotty: Oh my god, we're going to get stuck here, and he's EVIL. Can we just go?
McCoy: He's dying.
Kirk: And he's Spock.
Sulu and some security guys show up. Sulu says Kirk is going to kill Spock, and Spock is going to kill Kirk, and then he will have ALL the trucks. Except, whoops, there they go, disappearing! Marlena is zapping them all - well, except Sulu. Then Sulu and Kirk dance to a stirring tune from West Side Story. When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, and when you're a Shark, you wear gold lamé.
McCoy is still working and it's going to take five minutes now instead of one. He sends the others ahead. DON'T SPLIT UP THE PARTY OMG. Why don't they make these people play AD&D? NO GOOD EVER COMES OF SPLITTING UP THE PARTY, and not just because it pisses the DM off.
And Spock is aliiiiiiive! McCoy apparently did not think of sedating him so that he wouldn't, you know, wake up and overpower him.
Spock takes McCoy's hand and says, "Why did the captain let me live?" AND THEN SPOCK PUSHES HIM AGAINST A WALL AND MINDMELDS WITH HIM OMG. McCoy looks alarmed, like this is his first time with a telepath. "Our minds are merging, doctor. Our minds are one. I feel what you feel, I know what you know."
The rest of the party gets to the transporter room and there's Marlena, who has a phaser behind her back. Kirk stops Scotty from shooting her.
Marlena: Take me with you.
Kirk: No
Marlena, brandishing phaser: Then I will KILL YOU.
Uhura: I am so sick of this fucking ship. *takes Marlena the fuck down*
Someone has prevented Scotty's hack to make them able to beam themselves out, so one of the good guys is going to have to stay behind to press buttons. Scotty volunteers. Kirk orders Scotty and Uhura to get on the transmission pad, damn it.
And then in comes McCoy with Evil Spock, who says he cut the power to delay them until he could get there. He goes over the board. "You must return to your universe and I must have my captain back." We pause to say AWWWWW.
Kirk decides to use the two minutes they have left to speechify. "How long before the Halkan prediction of galactic revolt is realized?" We don't remember the Halkans making this prediction. We're confused. Kirk encourages Spock to be a one-Vulcan revolution.
Kirk: I just can't stand to think of a SPOCK being bad.
Scotty: GET IN THE CHAMBER WE'VE GOT TO GO NOW.
Kirk: Look, there's a device in my room that will let you kill anyone you want to.
Scotty: SERIOUSLY I DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK HERE WITH THESE FREAKS.
Kirk: In every revolution, there is one man with a vision.
Scotty: OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Spock, apparently realizing that he's got to agree or Kirk's going to stay: Captain Kirk, I shall consider it.
Part Six: The Happy Ending with Bonus ARG - a Trek Tradition!
Back on the real Enterprise, Spock is waiting for them in the transporter room. Kirk asks how Spock knew that he had the Evil Second String in place of the real McCoy and etc., and Spock says it was easy; he knows his Kirk when he sees him.
Kirk says, "That Jim Kirk will find a few surprises, if I read my Spocks correctly." IF I READ MY SPOCKS CORRECTLY. OMG. If you try to tell me Kirk is not right at that minute fantasizing about a Spock/Kirk/Spock sandwich, I will black your eye and call you a liar.
McCoy, in his customary practice of ruining everything in the last moments of the episode: Jim, I think I liked him with a beard better. It gave him character. Of course almost any change would be a distinct improvement.
BONES. BONES. I liked you all the way through this episode. You just can't let me get through one whole hour without wanting to punch your stupid face, can you?
Kirk: What worries me is the easy way his counterpart fitted into that other universe. I always thought Spock was a bit of a pirate at heart.
Spock: Indeed, gentlemen. May I point out that I had an opportunity to observe your counterparts here quite closely. They were brutal, savage, unprincipled, uncivilized, treacherous. In every way, splendid examples of homo sapiens; the very flower of humanity. I found them quite refreshing.
Kirk: I'm not sure, but I think we've been insulted.
And then he smiles. See, McCoy? This is how to do banter without maliciousness.
Back on the bridge, we meet good Marlena. You can tell, because you can't see her bellybutton. She says she was just assigned last week. Spock is right there, demanding to know if Kirk fucked her while he was gone.
Kirk says he just wants to be friends.
The End
And the poll was right! Or the voters were, anyway. Mirror, Mirror is amazingly good. And it was educational for me; I never knew, before this, why people said goatees were a sign of evil (turns out it's because Leonard Nimoy looks like a serial killer in them). Is this the original TV canon AU? Maybe! Anyway, it's awesome.
A Note about the DVDs
THE DVDS DO NOT HAVE ENGLISH SUBTITLES. We bought them specifically because we wanted subtitles, and they do, as advertised, have them - in Spanish and French. OH MY GOD THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. If I wanted to watch with a transcript open in front of me, I would not be paying full price, if you get my drift.
Also, the first season has faulty disks, although
cherry_ice has kindly loaned us hers so I don't have to suffer in a Kirkless and Spockless wasteland while they are being returned. Anyway. People who are debating whether to buy this set: don't. Mirror, Mirror
Part One: Shiny, Shiny Evil
The Core Away Team MINUS SPOCK WHERE IS SPOCK OMG is meeting with a group of men in dresses with blue dots on their foreheads. We pause so I can explain the blue dot metaphor to Best Beloved, who somehow missed that part of health class.
Anyway. The CAT is negotiating for dilithium crystals, which means McCoy, Scotty, and Uhura stand around looking thoughtful while Kirk attempts to be charming. The dress men won't deal, because if the Federation ever does anything bad with them at all, that would be a permanent blight on their race so terrible that they would all prefer to die. My basic reaction to this is: hey, admirable in theory, but in practice the Klingons or whoever are sure to show up and make that die-as-a-race thing a reality, and then your crystals will be in the hands of total bastards.
I'm sorry. I am just not the stuff idealists are made of.
So, there are more lightning storms, and Kirk calls Spock.
Kirk: Report on magnetic storm, Spock.
Spock: Standard ion type, Captain, but very strong and quite unpredictable.
Kirk, looking exceedingly reminiscent: Rough ride?
Best Beloved and Me, in unison: Like last night?
Me: This is why everyone says we've been together too long, you realize.
Best Beloved: I was just about to say that.
The blue dot men agree to meditate further, but they already know they're right. And then the head dot guy says, all coyly, "You know, you could always MAKE us give them to you. We'd really like to be MADE to give it to you. You know, with your POWER. Gosh, you look strong." Apparently the planet of the peaceniks has a war fetish. But Kirk refuses their advances and the CAT beams up.
Spock is coming to the transporter room to greet them, but there is trouble, sir. The CAT sort of woobles in and then out again. And then, whoa, we get some deeply unfortunate disco special effects featuring flashing ships and mirror images, and then we see a new Enterprise. With red bits. More red bits, I mean. Oh, shut up. It's different, just trust me.
The CAT appears on the transporter pad in entirely new outfits, although at first I am confused because why would they get the clothes of the other guys? ANYWAY.
You can tell which people are supposed to be the sex symbols, because Bones and Scotty just get some profoundly unfortunate gold lamé sashes, so they look like they're doing the Enterprise Players production of The Pirates of Penzance (and if you tell me that you don't want to see Spock as Mabel and Kirk as Frederic, I will know you are lying). But Kirk, in addition to his sash, is wearing an extra-sparkly, extra-gold lamé wrap vest that exposes his manly chest and biceps and has long gold fringy bits along the shoulders, and Uhura is wearing a motherfucking sports bra as her uniform shirt, along with a lot more jewelry and a skirt that is precisely the same length as her sash. I mean, she's gorgeous, but she looks like she's wishing she had a coat, so I try not to enjoy it too much.
(I totally fail, for the record. But I try. I think I deserve points for that.)
So we learn our first lesson about good vs. evil: making women show their legs (and panties) to everyone = good, but making them also show their bellies = evil. Perhaps bellybuttons are the root of all evil? It makes sense when you think about it.
We then see the Real Baddies - Spock and the transporter room guy. Kirk is riveted with horror by Spock's repellant facial hair, and so are we. I mean, yes, there's some kind of vaguely fascist salute, but the real horror is RIGHT THERE, ATTACKING SPOCK'S MOUTH AND ALL BUT PUTTING HIM IN A T-SHIRT READING "MOUSTACHE RIDES 2 CREDITS."
The CAT is deeply horrified by their new attire.
Bones: What the fuck is with this sash?
Kirk: I really don't feel like I can communicate the proper air of authority if people can see my armpits.
Uhura: CRY MOAR. I don't see anyone else wearing a goddamn belly shirt.
Kirk can't even cope with bad Spock's bad, bad facial hair. You can see he's asking himself how he will ever hide the beard burn from that fucker.
Spock: Standard procedure, Captain?
Kirk, unable even to speak for the horror: *nods*
Apparently that means they are going to phaser the fuck out of the blue dot men. SEE? I told you someone would be along to arrange that shortly. I just didn't know it would be Spock.
Spock applies some very military discipline to Mr. Kyle the transporter room guy, in the form of an "agonizer," which I cannot help but think gets used as a sex toy a LOT in BDSM scenes back on evil earth.
Kirk and Uhura flinch. We can see which crewmembers are coded as girls, all right.
Credits. Whoosh!
Part Two: Uhura Is Secretly a Ninja
Mr. Kyle reports a weird power fluctuation, which, I tell you what: after I'd gone a round with the agonizer, I wouldn't be volunteering any information. Spock asks Kirk if he feels any strange effects, and Kirk says yes, yes he does, and asks Bones to have a look at him.
On the way to sickbay, Kirk picks up the crazy new dance the kids are all doing and starts fascist saluting right and left. You can tell he enjoys it. He really puts a wiggle in it, you know?
They get to sickbay. Bones is pissed off because people have moved his cheese, but failed to clean up the acid spot he made a year ago. We pause to compare the relative size of the gold lamé sashes - Scotty's is by far the largest, then McCoy's, and Kirk's and Uhura's look to be roughly the same size, although Uhura's is of course far more noticeable, since it comprises one third of the fabric she's wearing. Although, hey, if she's comfortable with it? SO AM I.
Best Beloved advances a new and shiny theory: she thinks the Evil Federation took over the Klingon Empire and absorbed their lamé-making facilities. It's really the only thing that makes sense.
Kirk gropes around to explain how this could happen, and I'm all irked because come ON, who hasn't heard of alternate universes? And then I remember that these guys couldn't say, "We're stuck in a mirror universe! Oh no, look out for goatees!" And they also couldn't use that as shorthand for the viewers. So I'm actually fairly impressed that Kirk figures it out so quickly. Another 20 on the deduction roll for Kirk!
Kirk issues orders, and Uhura gets another goddamned "Captain, I'm frightened" moment. TOS WRITERS, I CANNOT TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS.
Off to the bridge and Evil Sulu, who has a scar instead of a goatee.
Evil Sulu sexually harasses Uhura. "Still no interest, Uhura?" He smiles in a way that makes the makeup that made his scar all crunkly. It's the return of Creepy Sulu from The City on the Edge of Forever!
Uhura: You're away from your post, mister.
Sulu: Is Kirk here? Is Spock? When the cat's away -
AND THEN UHURA SMACKS HIM A GOOD ONE. I think she's secretly a ninja!
Let's sum up the lesson so far:
Evil = gold lamé, goatees, and aggressive heterosexuality. Keep your eyes open, people! Evil is all around you!
Uhura tells Kirk that Starfleet is insisting he destroy the blue dot planet. No alternative. Wow, this must be the Federation of Smoking Ruins. Kirk decides not to do it. Spock is all, "Dude, you are not my boyfriend, my boyfriend razes cities on his days off just to keep his hand in."
Chekov sends a secret signal and gets in the elevator with Kirk. When Kirk steps out he gets smashed in the face and captured, and Chekov is there all ready to kill him. Chekov grins psychotically, and then we fade out.
When we come back, Kirk notes in his log that in this crew, officers employ private henchmen to kill their superiors so they can move up. Wow. That command structure sounds stable.
Things look bad for Kirk! But then one of the blue shirted guys, apparently swayed by the sheer force of Kirk's manliness, turns on the other two henchmen and phasers them the fuck out of existence. Two more blue shirts show up - wow, the science crew is fighty aboard this ship - and Kirk says of the guy that helped him, "He's with us."
One of the blue shirt guys says, and I am totally not paraphrasing at ALL, "Smart boy, switching to the top dog." If there are not several thousand stories documenting in obsessive detail the psychosexual dynamics of this AU, I won't be able to believe in fandom anymore.
Kirk punches the guy who helped him - why? - and sends Chekov to the Booth. I am betting that whatever the Booth is, it is not a good thing.
Part Three: Kirk/Spock Pervades the Multiverse
Kirk is with McCoy and Scotty now - holy shit, he left Uhura up there with Evil Sulu and his Merry Crew! - and Bones reaches over and wipes blood from Kirk's chin. Has he never heard of blood borne disease? Or is he already sharing fluids with Kirk? I have a NEED TO KNOW. I am not putting up with that crap, Kirk. Spock deserves better.
Well, except goatee-Spock, who deserves to be held down and forcibly shaved. Oh my god I won't recover from that hideous growth in a hurry.
Kirk interrogates the computer about the whole alternate universe thing, and, frankly I am astonished that their computers are so big and clunky and so very capable of advanced reasoning and fuzzy logic and understanding English and so on. Kirk has the computer read out his file, which is probably published under the title KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL: The James T. Kirk Story.
Scotty and Bones are tasked to fix the ship. Scotty says they can do it, but when they divert power, Sulu will know. Kirk says he'll tell Uhura to make a diversion - Uhura's doing all the work, but I guess if I had a ninja on my staff, that's what I'd do, too. There's just no point in having ordinary people do things when you have distilled awesome available.
Over on the other Enterprise, Evil Kirk is screaming, "I order you to let me go," only with pauses that defy transcription - seriously, you need superpunctuation to accurately transcribe Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise; mere ellipses collapse under the strain - while being wrestled by two redshirts into the brig, where all the other Evil Crew is. Spock is standing outside looking pleased. (He's locked them all into one cell, with one bed, and appears not at all sorry. Apparently Spock is not the man you want to trifle with.)
Kirk: I'll have your Vulcan ears. I'll have you all executed.
Spock, looking as smug as Vulcanly possible: I think not.
And, dude, wow, Spock has totally sussed it all out - he's trying to figure out how to return them to wherever they came from, although I have to say in this case it would probably be better just to kill them, but I suppose that would violate some kind of regulation.
Evil Kirk does some ranting, complaining that his uniform is insufficiently shiny, he hasn't killed anyone in HOURS, and his lackeys are nowhere to be found.
Spock says, "Fascinating."
Back on the other Enterprise, real Kirk is striding around in his pirate outfit, and Evil Spock comes swooping in. After a restful break with real Spock, I am struck anew by the horror of his goatee. I am guessing that while they were planning this episode, someone said to Leonard Nimoy, "What makes you look evil? Black clothing? Eye makeup? Spiky hair? A t-shirt reading Cthulhu for President?"
And Nimoy said, "Actually, I can rock all those looks. Just about the only thing I can't work is facial hair." And a cultural link between goatees and evil was born!
Anyway. "Captain," Spock says, "I am pleased that you frustrated Mr. Chekov's plan. I should regret your death."
We pause to squee. THERE IS LOVE THERE. In this universe, that is the equivalent of a thousand kisses!
Spock explains that he does not want the captaincy; he prefers his scientific duties, and he would rather be a lesser target. Plus he does not look forward to wearing that gold wrap outfit at ALL.
"Logical as always, Mr. Spock."
And then we discover that the Booth means the AGONY Booth, which is a pretty significant adjective to elide, in my opinion. Chekov is in it, screaming. Kirk swoops in to study Chekov, and Spock asks if he's ordered the full duration. Kirk says he hasn't decided.
Spock says that his actions warrant death, and he'd really rather not break in a new captain, when he just got this one how he likes him. Kirk points out that he's not broken, yet. Spock says he's up for another session whenever Kirk is.
Spock leaves. Kirk stares after him with an expression that clearly says: "Wow, even evil, I still totally want to hit that."
Part Four: Evil Wears Its Hair Down
And then Kirk heads off to his quarters and finds a random girl (we can tell she's an evil tart because her hair is loose) sleeping in his bed. Apparently he gets to hit something in this universe, anyway!
She interrogates him about his weird actions. Is this all some plan to advance you to the admiralty? The cabinet itself? We decide we hate her because it's so fucking hard to understand what she's saying, and of course we DON'T HAVE SUBTITLES. Or we do, but neither one of us really speaks Spanish.
Kirk says he's planning to go further than that, if he's successful. Ha ha!
They kiss, but they're interrupted by the weeble noise that signifies a message. Spock is breaking regulations to let Kirk know that he has orders from Starfleet - Kirk has four hours to kill everyone and salt the earth, or Spock has to kill him and do it in his place. That sort of puts a terminus ad quem on their escape.
Mumbly Lady says, "Shall I activate the Tantalus field?"
Kirk, totally guessing, says, "Yes." You should pretty much always say NO on this ship, Kirk! Although I also have to note that saying no probably doesn't matter much here.
She goes off and does something to a grating with a little cubby inside. It contains a screen and two knobs. The screen is the size of a postage stamp. Our see-in-the-dark baby monitor has a bigger screen by far.
"I hate this thing," she says. Apparently she, too, is used to better video technology.
"It's not that bad," Kirk says, but we already knew he wasn't.
We learn that the machine is the ultimate search and destroy tool: it can watch or kill anyone.
She turns it on and Evil Spock is looking right at the screen. It is profoundly creepy. She says, "That magnificent mind of his, but it can't protect him from this. I touch this -" and Kirk GRABS HER ARM OMG DON'T KILL SPOCK EVEN EVIL SPOCK.
We agree that we judge Evil Kirk for telling Marlena about his super alien gizmo. Super alien gizmos are private, Evil Kirk. Didn't your mother teach you that (before you killed her)?
Kirk calls Scotty and says the clock is ticking because Spock might have to kill him. Scotty says he doesn't know the half of it - they have half an hour or they can't get back. Apparently the writer couldn't deal with Spock's goatee any longer, either.
Evil Spock is chatting with the computer, which tells all Kirk's secrets. Spock looks reflective and a penis lights up on his board-thing. He goes for the communicator and asks, "Why are you monitoring my communications, Mr. Sulu?" So we can see that "light-up penis" means "Sulu" in this world. It's odd. I would have chosen that symbol for Kirk, myself.
Sulu explains that there's a lot of computer usage going on. He's just saying. Also, he'd really like Spock to succeed in killing Kirk. "Because the order would fall on me next. And you know how the Captain's enemies have a habit of... disappearing." Sulu looks highly appreciative. He probably thinks they're locked up in a dungeon being whipped. (Do not EVEN try to tell me this ship doesn't have a dungeon. It's probably where the Death Would Be Preferable to This Rec Room is in the real Enterprise.)
Spock tells Sulu that if he succeeds, he will be one step closer to the captaincy, but he shouldn't expect to get closer than that, because even if he does take Spock out, he'll pay for it. SOME OF HIS OPERATIVES ARE VULCANS, which in this universe, as BB points out, seems to mean that they have Ph.D.s in torture. We wonder if the Romulans are the ones who are calmer in this universe, while Vulcans will fuck your shit up. I tell you what, if I knew how to find good fan fiction for TOS, I would be reading it instead of writing up this recap.
Sulu looks bitter. Damn Vulcans.
Back in Kirk's room, Marlena comes back out in a sort of a sheer drape with batwings and a riot of hideous colors. It looks exactly like the kind of costume DC put on their minor superheroes in 1984. She says something, and we pause to have a hectic debate about what it is - I hear "pardon my chaps, darling," and Best Beloved hears, "Hurry, my pants are starting." According to the Spanish subtitles, it's "I prepared my traps, darling." We decide we'd prefer either of the lines we heard over that. Because, seriously, what does that mean? Blow darts? Did she put a gallon of water over Kirk's door? Does she have an attack cooter? Who can say? I check an online transcript, hoping for more clarity; according to it, the line is, "Oiling my traps, darling." ...This lends a lot of credence to the attack cooter theory.
She says she's a little out of practice. How can you be Kirk's girlfriend and out of practice? Because I thought the man was a noted horndog, but the canon is making me doubt this for reals. Maybe she's out of practice with her attack cooter.
She says, "Maybe that's what happened to us, hmmm? It's very hard for a working officer to shine as a woman." We are both now completely confused. Best Beloved says she thought she understood their relationship. I say she's clearly one of those people you never want to invite over because you never know who she's fucking and who she's feuding with.
Marlena says, "You demand perfection."
Kirk says, "I've never seen perfection, but no woman could come closer to it." It's really hard not to hear an unstated, "Now, a certain Vulcan man could come considerably closer." We decide we'll ding him points for misogyny even though he didn't technically say it, because he thought it so loudly Evil Spock probably heard him.
"I remember when you used to talk that way," she says, dancing with her bat wings; we are hypnotized like prey. Probably this is how she distracts people from her attack cooter.
"I still do," Kirk says, and we wonder if he plans to get it on in ten minutes or what. I mean - surely Kirk, Noted Horndog, takes longer than that, right? Right?
"Prove it," she says.
Kirk's response, which will live forever in the annals of seduction, is, "I've gotta go."
She says, "I guess it's over. Commander Kenner will take me on temporarily, he's made that quite clear." We writhe in horror. Is that what women do on this ship? OMG OMG OMG.
And now he's leaving a woman he's spurned alone with a super potent weapon. Good thinking, Kirk! But first there has to be a scene with yet more ooky implications that I frankly would prefer not to discuss.
AND THEN IT GETS WORSE.
"I've been a captain's woman and I like. I'll be one again if I have to go through every officer in the fleet."
OH MY GOD.
She tries to hit Kirk, using the weakest blow I have ever seen - seriously, woman, take some lessons in badassery from Uhura - and then Kirk says she could be whatever she wanted to be - except, for example, a captain all her own self, I guess. And then they kiss.
I am distracted, wondering if her hair is a wig. Best Beloved is also distracted; she's obsessively clock-watching and now she's saying, "You have less than five minutes left. Stop kissing her and go save the universe!" Best Beloved is so goal-oriented.
We pause to try to figure out their relationship once again - they live together, but they aren't together and they haven't been having sex and he doesn't kiss her. Does Evil Kirk seem like the kind of guy to drag out a breakup? NO. He seems like the kind of guy who kills anyone he's had sex with to avoid potential unpleasant scenes. We are confused.
She's confused, too, because Kirk is showing mercy. She asks if she's his woman. "You're the captain's woman," Kirk says, "until he says you're not." EW EW EW OMG EW.
Finally he really actually leaves, and she heads immediately over to the device to spy on him.
Part Five: Uhura Is No Longer Keeping Her Ninjahood a Secret
Poor Uhura has been on the snake pit of a bridge this entire time. Kirk orders her to keep Sulu's attention off that board. OMG EW. That is a criminal order, Mr. Kirk. I am forced to go hide in the bathroom for a bit because of the impending horror, but when I come back, I discover that Best Beloved has hit pause, so I still have to watch it.
Uhura, indeed, goes over to Sulu and vamps him, but in a way that suggests she would prefer to bite his dick off. "Of course," she says, "this isn't the time."
"Any time's a good time," Sulu says. We pause to ponder about the frequency of orgies on this bridge. The people in the back look casual and bored in their body language, even though Sulu is all over Uhura right there in front of them, so obviously this is nothing new. Uhura puts up with it for approximately four seconds, looking the whole time like she'd rather be fondled by a slime mold. AND THEN SHE HITS HIM. We cheer. Evil is no match for ninja Uhura!
Sulu gets pissed off, and she whips out a knife. UHURA WILL TOTALLY CUT YOU. Holy shit, I love her, and I love that in this episode she gets more than just the "I'm scaaaaaared" lines.
Best Beloved points out that it would be awesome if, in this universe, the communicator ear piece was, instead of the frankly amusing silvered honey dispenser, a sharp spike. Then Uhura could cut people with the side of her head! We take a moment to enjoy that picture, I tell you what.
Uhura, continuing to bring the awesome in illegal quantities, backs out while holding Sulu at knife point even though she is surrounded by security officers and alone on the bridge. She orders one of the redshirts to take over - always the professional, even when threatening another officer with a stabbing. And then she sheaths the knife in one of her boots, and holy SHIT, those cannot be the boots she regularly wears, because I would have noticed, they are just criminally hot - and heads for the elevator.
We go back so we can watch Uhura do it all again.
Scotty says it all depends on the Captain now. If he fucks up after all Uhura has done, I will hurt him.
And, of course, Kirk is in the beaming room and Spock shows up with a phaser.
Kirk: Are you going to shoot me now, Spock? I thought I had until dawn.
Spock: I'll shoot you if I want to shoot you.
Kirk, holding up his hands: Not gonna argue with you.
Spock: What the fuck are you doing? Showing mercy, not hurting people - you're like a crazy person. You're not the Kirk I know!
Kirk: You know what, I'm tired of this conversation. Just shoot me.
Me: KIRK, THIS IS EVIL SPOCK. HE MIGHT ACTUALLY SHOOT YOU.
Best Beloved: I don't think any Spock anywhere could ever shoot a Kirk.
Me: Point.
Spock: Hmmm. No. I'm not going to shoot you. I'm going to shoot Dr. McCoy.
Me: Now there is a plan that just might work.
We switch to sickbay, and we have to pause for a long, long time to admire the profile shot of Uhura. Holy fucking GOD, she is so hot I am surprised the other people on the set didn't spontaneously combust from looking directly at her. She is just - wow. Anyone who has not seen this episode, seriously, go watch it immediately: it's worth it for the Uhura profile shot alone.
Kirk comes in with Spock and he tries to take Spock by surprise. There is a rumble! There is always a rumble, I've come to understand this about TOS. This one is shot from way up high, which actually makes it look a lot better than the "oh my god no one actually HIT anything or the entire set will fall apart" fights we've seen from this show before.
Spock is badass. We are not surprised. Each one of them takes a turn running at him and getting beaten up, and, seriously, do they not have AD&D in the future? Have they not learned that the way to take on a more powerful opponent is in numbers? Even a pack of kobalds can kill you if there's enough of them, and anyone who has ever rolled a d20 knows this! I am ashamed of Starfleet training, I tell you. Ashamed.
But finally Uhura grabs a skull and hands it to Kirk, who knocks out Spock. The skull appears to be made of papier-mâché, and makes sort of a splat noise when it hits, but it works anyway. (We wonder why McCoy didn't go for a hypo. Or why anyone didn't go for a phaser, although we sort of suspect that phasers do not stun in this world.)
Scotty says they have at most 15 minutes left. McCoy says they have to take care of Evil Spock or he'll die. That's enough for Kirk, who comes on over to help.
Scotty: Oh my god, we're going to get stuck here, and he's EVIL. Can we just go?
McCoy: He's dying.
Kirk: And he's Spock.
Sulu and some security guys show up. Sulu says Kirk is going to kill Spock, and Spock is going to kill Kirk, and then he will have ALL the trucks. Except, whoops, there they go, disappearing! Marlena is zapping them all - well, except Sulu. Then Sulu and Kirk dance to a stirring tune from West Side Story. When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, and when you're a Shark, you wear gold lamé.
McCoy is still working and it's going to take five minutes now instead of one. He sends the others ahead. DON'T SPLIT UP THE PARTY OMG. Why don't they make these people play AD&D? NO GOOD EVER COMES OF SPLITTING UP THE PARTY, and not just because it pisses the DM off.
And Spock is aliiiiiiive! McCoy apparently did not think of sedating him so that he wouldn't, you know, wake up and overpower him.
Spock takes McCoy's hand and says, "Why did the captain let me live?" AND THEN SPOCK PUSHES HIM AGAINST A WALL AND MINDMELDS WITH HIM OMG. McCoy looks alarmed, like this is his first time with a telepath. "Our minds are merging, doctor. Our minds are one. I feel what you feel, I know what you know."
The rest of the party gets to the transporter room and there's Marlena, who has a phaser behind her back. Kirk stops Scotty from shooting her.
Marlena: Take me with you.
Kirk: No
Marlena, brandishing phaser: Then I will KILL YOU.
Uhura: I am so sick of this fucking ship. *takes Marlena the fuck down*
Someone has prevented Scotty's hack to make them able to beam themselves out, so one of the good guys is going to have to stay behind to press buttons. Scotty volunteers. Kirk orders Scotty and Uhura to get on the transmission pad, damn it.
And then in comes McCoy with Evil Spock, who says he cut the power to delay them until he could get there. He goes over the board. "You must return to your universe and I must have my captain back." We pause to say AWWWWW.
Kirk decides to use the two minutes they have left to speechify. "How long before the Halkan prediction of galactic revolt is realized?" We don't remember the Halkans making this prediction. We're confused. Kirk encourages Spock to be a one-Vulcan revolution.
Kirk: I just can't stand to think of a SPOCK being bad.
Scotty: GET IN THE CHAMBER WE'VE GOT TO GO NOW.
Kirk: Look, there's a device in my room that will let you kill anyone you want to.
Scotty: SERIOUSLY I DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK HERE WITH THESE FREAKS.
Kirk: In every revolution, there is one man with a vision.
Scotty: OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Spock, apparently realizing that he's got to agree or Kirk's going to stay: Captain Kirk, I shall consider it.
Part Six: The Happy Ending with Bonus ARG - a Trek Tradition!
Back on the real Enterprise, Spock is waiting for them in the transporter room. Kirk asks how Spock knew that he had the Evil Second String in place of the real McCoy and etc., and Spock says it was easy; he knows his Kirk when he sees him.
Kirk says, "That Jim Kirk will find a few surprises, if I read my Spocks correctly." IF I READ MY SPOCKS CORRECTLY. OMG. If you try to tell me Kirk is not right at that minute fantasizing about a Spock/Kirk/Spock sandwich, I will black your eye and call you a liar.
McCoy, in his customary practice of ruining everything in the last moments of the episode: Jim, I think I liked him with a beard better. It gave him character. Of course almost any change would be a distinct improvement.
BONES. BONES. I liked you all the way through this episode. You just can't let me get through one whole hour without wanting to punch your stupid face, can you?
Kirk: What worries me is the easy way his counterpart fitted into that other universe. I always thought Spock was a bit of a pirate at heart.
Spock: Indeed, gentlemen. May I point out that I had an opportunity to observe your counterparts here quite closely. They were brutal, savage, unprincipled, uncivilized, treacherous. In every way, splendid examples of homo sapiens; the very flower of humanity. I found them quite refreshing.
Kirk: I'm not sure, but I think we've been insulted.
And then he smiles. See, McCoy? This is how to do banter without maliciousness.
Back on the bridge, we meet good Marlena. You can tell, because you can't see her bellybutton. She says she was just assigned last week. Spock is right there, demanding to know if Kirk fucked her while he was gone.
Kirk says he just wants to be friends.
The End