Although bandom completely destroyed my RPF squick, your tale is a perfect encapsulation of having a squick that everyone else loves: all "I keep trying it, and it never works, but all these awesome writers are taunting me with things I cannot read and somehow I feel bizarrely like I've let down Team Have All The Kinks." Except more hilarious, as you do.

Now I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon reading about English Lit and sexbots. Yay, fandom!