As it happens, I loathe monkeys. (There was this, um, evolutionary anthropology class. And it was a while ago, yes, but I still have the scars. And the prescription medications, too.) So I have no trouble saying that yes, indeed, Tom Cruise is the gayer, more denial-filled, crazier version of a monkey. (You see why Smallville brought him right to mind.)

Plus, did you see the YouTube capture of him bouncing around basically on Oprah (and I don't mean on the show - I mean on the host)? See? Monkey.