Days of Love 1

[thefourthvine]

Hi, fandom! I love you a lot, and I thought I would celebrate that with some days of love. By which I mean single recs. Let's see if I can manage seven!

The RBK Commercial for the End of the World, by, one assumes, Reebok, and also a heap of advertising personnel desperately in need of controlled substances.

My first rec is - not for a fanwork. Sorry! But this thing should inspire all the fanworks, is my feeling. This is a commercial featuring Sidney Crosby. And it is amazing. I found it in this Sidney Crosby mostly videospam, which I found via sociofemme's awesome Primer of Hockey Primers. And it is simultaneously the best and the worst thing ever.

I cannot watch most non-game video footage of Sidney Crosby, particularly anything staged, because I have an embarrassment squick and, well, let's just say Sidney Crosby attempting to be anything other than who he is (hockey-playing robot without a personality module) hits my squick hard enough to make me duck and cover. (If you want to see why, check out those other videos in the videospam, oh my god.)

But this particular commercial appears to be the product of a brainstorming session that went like this:

Advertising Person 1: Okay, people, we have to do a commercial featuring Sidney Crosby.
Advertising Person 2: The hockey-playing robot? Oh, fuck.
Advertising Person 3: He has no charisma.
AP1: I know.
AP2: And any time he tries to act like he has a personality, he lands squarely in the uncanny valley.
AP1: I know.
AP3: Focus groups routinely end up recoiling or sleeping when they watch him.
AP1: I know. But we're making the commercial anyway, so we've got to figure something out. Give me your best ideas, people.

[Long, pained pause in which no one at the table makes eye contact with anyone else.]

Advertising Person 4: ...I guess, if we've got to make a commercial featuring a boring guy who does absolutely nothing except play hockey, we could hang a lampshade on that.
AP1: Good enough. Let's do it.

And they did. The result is a commercial so depressing that it actually crosses back over into unintentionally hilarious.

The commercial is filmed in a grim palette and is mostly devoid of people. In a voiceover without emotion and almost without inflection, Sidney Crosby says, "This was my prom"; the accompanying shot is an empty, iceless hockey rink. "My spring break," he continues, over a shot of what I think is a deserted roller hockey court. "My road trip with friends": a mural of ice hockey players in an empty arena. "Summer camp": a dark hallway with a single bright doorway, perhaps representing the way out of this unspeakable awfulness. The way Sid did not take. "Semester abroad:" a Zamboni machine works in a deserted rink, and you get the distinct feeling it is not just smoothing the ice but flattening Crosby's soul. "Thanksgiving": we see an empty chair overlooking the Zamboni of Wretchedness. There are further two shots, one of a dim, grimy hallway with red doors, such as you might see in hell, and one of an iceless hockey rink with an abandoned stick and a rolling plastic cup that is red, probably to represent Sid's empty, unwanted heart. "What do you call a life dedicated to hockey?" Sid asks. The camera cuts to Sid sitting on the bench during a hockey game, watching intently, yearning to rejoin the action so he can almost feel alive again. There's a shot of his skates. Someone says "Go go go" and he goes over the boards to join the game. Sid says, "I call it time well spent." The words "I am what I am" appear on the screen. The viewer is filled with a profound sense of dislocation and despair, followed by an almost uncontrollable desire to write fiction in which Crosby gets fucked in the ass and loves it.

When Best Beloved and I watched this commercial, we died. And then we spent the rest of the evening randomly walking up to each other and saying things like, "All my Christmas presents!" and "Grandpa's funeral!" and "My first kiss!" and "My puppy!" The underlying message of this commercial appears to be: If you can still be happy or have fun, you aren't dedicated enough. (It is also the world's best argument for slavefic. Which - normally slavefic is not my particular narrative kink, but Sidney Crosby as a hockey slave makes so much sense that I am currently writing a Just the Good Parts version of it. Watch this commercial and tell me you don't see it. You can't. You can't.)

Seriously. Watch this. It is thirty seconds extremely well spent, even if you know absolutely fuck-all about hockey and care even less.

Comments

[surexit]

WOW.

I MEAN.

WOW.

[thefourthvine]

I know, right? You totally want to give him some kind of joy in life now, and by "joy," I mean "blowjobs."

[celli]

...

[thefourthvine]

Great and terrible, right?

[foursweatervests]

:-DDDD

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT WHEN I FIRST SAW THIS COMMERCIAL. I WOULD APOLOGIZE FOR THE YELLING, BUT I AM TOO EXCITED.

[thefourthvine]

MY BRAIN WENT IMMEDIATELY TO THE SID THE HOCKEY SLAVE PLACE. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THIS IS.

(Oh god that COMMERCIAL. Why? Why? Reebok, WHY?)

[indeliblesasha]

I hate you.

I don't need to be nursing a terrible crush on a ROBOT who is SAD and FUNNY and ADORKABLE LIKE PUPPIES (who are also awkward robots.)

HATE.

[thefourthvine]

YOU LOVE ME AND YOU LOVE SIDNEY CROSBY, TOO. DON'T EVEN TRY TO DENY IT.

And Sidney will bring you such joy! Just think about how happy you'll be at the end of EVERY SINGLE STORY in which he, against the odds, manages to find haaaaaappiness!

[beachlass]

That is the WORST. I mean.

BLEAK. SO BLEAK.

[thefourthvine]

Sidney Crosby's life is an empty hockey rink. Sometimes he dreams of walking on grass, but he can't even remember what it looks like any more.

SO, SO BLEAK. And yet Reebok apparently thought this would inspire us to purchase shoes, rather than to weep quietly with our heads pressed against a cold windowpane. FOCUS GROUP FAIL, MARKETERS.

[dine]

I love you.

no really, I love you like you cannot believe for sharing this (which I had someone sadly missed). and I'm now desperately craving a chance to read your Just the Good Parts musings on Sidney the hockey slave liek whoa

[thefourthvine]

It is the living definition of drawerfic. I am not kidding. SID IS A SLAVE AND HIS LIFE IS HARD. GENO IS THERE FOR HIM. THE END.

[ratherbe4gotten]

Oh Sid... Just think what all this time on injured reserve must be doing to him!

Have you seen the HBO series 24/7 Penguins/Capitals: Road to the NHL Winter Classic yet? I almost hesitate to ask, not sure exactly where your squick line lies, but it's possibly most amazing thing I've ever seen! The four episodes combine into a fantastic, epic, homoerotic movie. If you love Sid, then you have to watch it, if only for his heroic rivalry with Alexander Ovechkin (who is clearly destined teach Sid how to love and laugh, while still playing hockey). Even if you’re not sure you can deal with that much realness in your rps, at least watch The Trailer :D

(First few mins of the first ep on youtube Here, download on torrent Here)

[thefourthvine]

OH GOD THAT LOOKS AMAZING. I love the post-apocalyptic tone of the trailer, and I have GOT to see that series, even if it squicks the hell out of me.

(And, yes, the injured reserve time must be TRAUMA. I have a friend who cannot stand looking at Crosby injury news anymore, so I read it every few days and then send her just the good news. It's just - he has NOTHING IN HIS LIFE BUT HOCKEY. She gets so distressed thinking about him with his face pressed up against the glass, yearning to play but DENIED.)

[brownbetty]

I don't even.

I mean, what did poor wee Crosby do in the 5-8 months of the year in which there is no ice and the rink is covered in sawdust for the agricultural fair?

[thefourthvine]

Played hockey. I mean, we are talking about a guy who at the age of two spent hours in the basement hitting pucks into the washing machine. And there's always roller hockey! And making a rink in your front yard, or bringing snow into the house, as the Lemieux boys apparently did! Hockey players make obsessives look normal.

Plus, as the aunt of a figure skater, I can tell you: even in LA, there is always ice to skate on. And Crosby is from CANADA. Presumably y'all get the importance of year-round access to ice for certain people's sanity.

[paxpinnae]

I don't even know what to do with that. JFC, as if Sidney Crosby didn't make me uncomfortable enough already, he has to go and give extra proof of his robotic nature, and vaguely post-apocalyptic proof at that. (Sidebar: I totally support the hockey-slave fic concept, but has anyone done the post-apocalyptic hockey gladiators AU for this fandom yet? I feel like there is potential, there.)

[thefourthvine]

LAUGH. The alternative is crying.

And, oh man, post-apocalyptic AU! The thing is, so many hockey trailers and commercials seemed to be filmed after the apocalypse that it's just - it's just MEANT TO BE, is all.

*helpless yearning*

[puckling]

This is the type of thing that seriously makes me worry about Crosby being on the injured reserve. WHAT DOES HE DO WHEN HE DOES NOT HAVE HOCKEY TO FILL THE GAPING VOID IN HIS SOOOOOOOUL?

[thefourthvine]

I DON'T KNOW. HE SITS AT HOME. STARES AT THE WALLS. WONDERS WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DO WITH THEIR LIVES. WATCHES OLD HIGHLIGHT REELS.

*sniffle*

[ratcreature]

O_o
What on earth do they want people to associate with their stuff?

On the bright side, I now feel better that I've never gotten into any sports or sport-like activity, rather than the usual feeling I get from sporting goods commercials, which is that a rather suck for not being one of those shiny, happy, active people who are hopping around on the screen, able to do all sorts of amazingly cool stuff with their bodies.

[thefourthvine]

Well, just going by this one commercial, I'm going to have to say gut-wrenching despair.

But, yeah, doesn't this make you feel good? You have a balanced life! People you love! Hobbies! Interests! Joy! This commercial is basically designed to make you thank god you aren't Sidney Crosby.

[mab_browne]

I'm not quite sure what message I'm meant to take from that at all, but I'm pretty sure that what I'm seeing is not what the advertisers thought I might be seeing. 0_o

[thefourthvine]

The thing is, it is so perfectly calculated to induce despair that I have to think this is what they wanted us to see.

Either that, or they took a whoooooole lot of drugs before making this.

[missmollyetc]

God, God, IT'S ALL SO TRUE. This commercial represents half of my Crosby love, it really does. I watched this and for several hours burned with the need to write him a nice Russian boyfriend.


Have you seen those commercials where he talks about how much he loves bread? IN FRENCH? It's like you can see the hourglass turning over and over in his eyes while his programming waits to come out of hibernation.

[thefourthvine]

I watched this and for several hours burned with the need to write him a nice Russian boyfriend.

ME, TOO. I watch this and I'm like - I have to fix things for slave Sid, because real Sid is BEYOND HOPE.

Have you seen those commercials where he talks about how much he loves bread? IN FRENCH? It's like you can see the hourglass turning over and over in his eyes while his programming waits to come out of hibernation.

Tragically, no. He talks about how much he loves - bread? In French? SERIOUSLY? Oh, SID. Is that commercial in your videospam?

[saffronhare]

I may have to become a Sidney Crosby (and/or slavefic) fan just because of this post. Well done.

Tangentially, as the mom of a socially awkward teenage boy, it gives me joy to consider that perhaps his alien/robot qualities could be considered adorable and even attractive as he grows up.

[thefourthvine]

This commercial can do that to you, totally.

Tangentially, as the mom of a socially awkward teenage boy, it gives me joy to consider that perhaps his alien/robot qualities could be considered adorable and even attractive as he grows up.

Awww. I want to hug your socially awkward teenage boy! But only from a distance, and virtually, because he probably hates hugs as much as I do. (And I was the MOST socially awkward as a teenager, and I still am! THERE IS HOPE FOR ALL OF US.)

[doctor_denmark]

The first time I showed my roommate at the time that commercial, we got so sad, we had to walk to 7-11 to get ice cream.

The NHL is not a good Mom.

Have you been introduced to Sid's High School sweetheart, Jack Johnson of the LA Kings yet? Because the other thing that commercial makes me want to do is read fic about Sid coming to Shattauk St Mary's and being away from home, in a different country, and playing hockey, but also doing things that aren't hockey for the first time, with JJ holding his hand, and kissing him under the bleachers after baseball practice.

[thefourthvine]

I admit it, my child and I just had ice cream for an afternoon snack. It is a natural response to that commercial, the urge to remind yourself that at least you can still enjoy pleasures, even if Sid can't.

And, NO. I have not heard about Jack Johnson! I AM PREPARED TO LEARN, THOUGH. And read fic as it becomes available.

[altri_uccelli]

THIS RIGHT HERE is why SIdney needs Geno. Or Alex, I'm not really sure, I'm making my way through the tags on AO3.

*sob* BB just makes me want to cry and write all the cuddling.

[thefourthvine]

I'm going to say Geno, just because they're on the same team, and clearly Sid needs someone around ALL THE TIME to stop him from being the world's only human embodiment of the Blue Screen of Death.

*sob* BB just makes me want to cry and write all the cuddling.

THAT'S A GOOD IMPULSE. GO WITH THAT.

[staranise]

...But why is this an ad for shoes? ONLY SKATES CAN FILL HIS EMPTINESS.

[thefourthvine]

Maybe they're suggesting that if you just buy shoes instead of skates for your children, THEY WON'T END UP LIKE SID.

I mean, I am the aunt of a figure skater, and I fully intended to teach my child to skate at some point, but NOT ANYMORE. Because of the tiny possibility that skates SUCK YOUR SOUL OUT THROUGH YOUR ANKLES.

[lannamichaels]

(It is also the world's best argument for slavefic. Which - normally slavefic is not my particular narrative kink, but Sidney Crosby as a hockey slave makes so much sense that I am currently writing a Just the Good Parts version of it. Watch this commercial and tell me you don't see it. You can't. You can't.)

I need this fic.

[thefourthvine]

*hides head*

It's drawerfic. Pure and simple. Whether or not I post it when finished depends on how adamant Best Beloved is. And how appalled Frostfire_17 is.

[out_there]

And then we spent the rest of the evening randomly walking up to each other and saying things like, "All my Christmas presents!" and "Grandpa's funeral!" and "My first kiss!" and "My puppy!"

As a non-USA person, I doubt I could access it/view it, but just your description has me in giggles. And sometimes, I adore you and BB for sharing that sense of humour.

[thefourthvine]

You might be able to! YouTube is weird, but this wasn't posted by anyone official, so there's a chance!

AND IT IS WORTH TAKING THAT CHANCE. Because it is so awful. Just, um, make sure you have some ice cream or something, to remind yourself that at least YOU can still feel pleasure.

(And I totally have another post coming up that will destroy your image of BB and me forever. WE ARE TERRIBLE PEOPLE WITH TERRIBLE SENSES OF HUMOR.)

[ekaterinn]

The truly horrible/wonderful thing about that commercial is that if they only did shots with ACTUAL PEOPLE IN THEM, WTF, and kept the words, the whole tone would be different! It would be like, "Hockey is awesome! Buy Rebok so you can be awesome like hockey!" Instead, it's like, "Depressing Sid Crosby documentary! If you only want lonely hockey rinks for company, buy Rebok and we'll totes make it happen! Look what we did to Crosby!"


Also, I hate you for making read Hockey RPF (the Sid/Geno link on a past rec set). And by hate, I mean LOVE.

But you better not rec any American football RPF - you're on thin ice, missy!

[thefourthvine]

I know! They made many DELIBERATE STYLISTIC CHOICES that led to this bleakness! They had chances to turn away and make a commercial that wouldn't result in weeping! NOT REEBOK. THEY EMBRACE THE AWFUL.

I haven't even seen any American football RPF, so at least the thin ice isn't cracking. (I would totally apologize for the hockey RPF, except I am NOT SORRY AT ALL.)

[juliandarling]

HOLY SHIT. SO BEAUTIFUL. WHAT. GOD WHAT AN ADVERT. BEJESUS.

So melancholy and at the same time PERFECT. And, considering what's going on with him right now, incredibly poignant.

Also, I may be in the minority but I totally believe Sid has a personality. It's a quiet one, yeah, but he's so fucking earnest. And as a similarly earnest person, I can't help but feel for him in those ads or when he's being asked horrible questions. Because you can see his cogs working and gah. <3

[torachan]

Yyyyyeah, the "so and so is a robot" thing always makes me really uncomfortable, as someone who is similarly awkward to the people being compared to robots. (See: SGA fandom & John Sheppard.)

[wychwood]

Wow, that makes me feel even more epically bad about Crosby's concussion.

(incidentally, have you seen this? The Puck Daddy guys are WRITING TOEWS/KANE UST NOW. I don't even know what to do with that.

[thefourthvine]

Yeah. I try not to think about the Crosby Situation when I'm watching that video, even though it is IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO, because Reebok made the most depressing commercial in the world, and then REALITY MADE IT WORSE.

(Oh my GOD, Puck Daddies, that is INSANE. Also hysterical. Although I note they don't seem to see a happy ending there. WOE.)

[marina]

I just want to say you've now introduced hockey rps into the lives of several Israeli fangirls, and I'm afraid this trend is only due to spread.

[thefourthvine]

That is wonderful to hear. I'm doing my part to make the world a better place! WITH HOCKEY PLAYERS. AND BONING.

[amoama]

I don't even know how I got here but now I'm dying of laughter. SYDNEY! THE WASTELAND OF YOUR LIFE. Sidney Crosby as a hockey slave That is the message of the commercial, trufax.

[petra]

I was staring at almost 10K of a story whose pairings I will summarize as Sid/Penguins, trying to find the right headspace to keep going.

This post helped immensely.

[thefourthvine]

I'm glad this hideously depressing commercial could be here to inspire you. There really is nothing like it for instilling the profound desire to write MORE CROSBY PORN.

(Also YAY! You are writing HOCKEY!)