Hockey: Love. And Pain. But Let's Focus on the Love.

[thefourthvine]

The playoffs are depressing the fuck out of me, people. (And it's not like this week was not already bad enough. I mean. Someone should have warned me the playoffs would be agony (ALL OF YOU should have warned me the playoffs would be agony), and then I would not also have chosen this week to attempt a major technological change and a major household change.) So I thought I'd take a moment to remind myself why hockey is not just misery and pain. Because there are things I love about hockey, too. Right? Right. Let's talk about THOSE for a change.

Why I Love Patrick Kane. The Kaner Shuffle video.

Okay, so. When I first watched this, the person who linked me to it made me liveblog it. And she was right: watching it unspoiled and reacting to it in realtime is the way to go. So watch it now, and then we will talk about why this is the essence of awesome, and also the essence of Patrick Kane, which leads us to the dubious but mathematically indisputable conclusion that Patrick Kane is awesome.

Done? Okay.

Here are the things I just cannot get over about this video:

1. Tazer saying, "Nice shirt. Looks good on him." And I have had this video analyzed by a Johnathan Toews Sarcasm Specialist who is really pretty sure he's being HONEST when he says that. OH REALLY, TAZER? Everyone else noticed that that was a terrible shirt that basically made him look like a sack of cheap souvenirs they sell tourists in Honolulu. You think it looks good on him? Tazer also says, in all sincerity, "That's an NHL superstar, right there." I mean. He's trying to make fun of Kaner, but he calls him a superstar. Hmmm. From this, we can learn that a) Tazer has absolutely no taste and b) Tazer has absolutely no ability to conceal how completely and totally he adores Patrick Kane. Like, he doesn't just love him. He adores him. Wow.
   
   
2. Patrick Kane saying, "Haters can keep hating, but I'm just going to dance." That, right there, is all you need to know about Patrick Kane. How can you not love this guy?
   
   
3. So many of the Blackhawks are impressed with slow mo. It's like they keep them in a box and only let them see technology if they're advertising it. I'm a little worried about them, to be honest.
   
   
4. But here's the great part, the amazing part, the best part of all: Patrick Kane is the best dancer. On the entire team. They all laugh at him, but they're worse than he is. Which, see - with the Christmas singing video, I was like, fine, whatever, these guys can't sing. But they're athletes. How can they not DANCE? How is it that not one of them can hear a beat or move his upper body in coordination with his lower body? Seriously, the lack of (non-hockey) talent on the Blackhawks roster is amazing. I'm starting to suspect that if these guys weren't playing hockey, they'd be on exhibit in a zoo somewhere.

In other words, as I said in the comments a while back, this is the video that perfectly explains Kaner. He's the worst! But he's HONESTLY the worst, and he's FINE with being the worst, and also sometimes you think he's the worst and he's actually the best.

Why I Love Sidney Crosby. Sidney Crosby Does Not Understand Humans, by impertinence. (Make sure you read the linked inspiration at the top of each one, both because Mark Doesn't Understand Animals is pretty funny, and because it will help you grasp the pure joy of this post.)

Okay, so this is only part of why I love Sidney Crosby, but god, I love it (and him) so much, because this ALL MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. Sidney Crosby just - he missed out on the "understanding humans" part of his education! (He's sure got the being a brat thing covered, but I think his parents wrote him a note to get him out of all his Human Studies classes.)

Now, let's talk favorite bits of this. First, there's the one I think of as Sidney Crosby Is Actually Fine with Humans, Provided They Are Under the Age of Four. Because, I mean, until someone actually makes the NHL Players with Babies Tumblr I yearn for, or until I break down and do it, this is as good as it gets: Sidney Crosby being really good with very small children, and then sort of recoiling in confusion from older children. You can almost hear him thinking, in the middle panel of the kids one, "But this one looks like a person, not a baby! What do I doooooo?"

And then there's the one with Jordan Staal. (You will recognize him. He's the one with the blondest, most unfortunate hair you have ever seen, unless you spend a lot of time looking at hockey players, in which case you have seen a lot of unfortunate hair, so much that this doesn't even register. Spend too much time in hockey and you start to think all haircuts are great unless they are, like, mullets with random tufts of hair missing AND a terrible perm, all on the same head.) Read it and I promise you will never be able to behold a Staal without thinking, "Oh no! This one is all poofy and stuff." Seriously, it improves Penguins, Rangers, and Hurricanes games by at least 15%.

But, basically, if you've ever wanted to see Sidney Crosby staring cluelessly at the entire human race, but for some reason you don't want to just google random pictures of him, this is the post for you. Go. Revel.

Why I Love Alexander Ovechkin. Alexander Ovechkin talking about jerking off, ably translated by marina.

Someday, marina is going to write the best Ovechkin primer in the world. I am hoping that day is soon. Like, in a week or two would be ideal, because by then my teams will probably be out of the playoffs, god damn them all to hell, and I'll have lots of time to read the post. And it will keep me from crying.

But until that glorious day, this is a really damn good substitute. Marina has spent her time trawling the internets for Ovechkin stuff, which I think we can agree is the best possible use of said time, and basically she's found all the most fabulous things in the world. Including this video, which is in Russian, but which she has helpfully translated so that we can all appreciate the beauty of Alex Ovechkin laughing, on stage, in front of an audience, about how he jerks off every day. That is the kind of thing that would deserve a Great Service to Fandom award, if we gave awards for that. (Actually, I guess we do? But it's mostly in the form of commentfic. Which - wait, where is the Ovechkin masturbation commentfic? NOW I FEEL DEPRIVED, FANDOM.)

And even if you do speak Russian, for real, read her translation, because her comments on the amazing acting talent of Alexander Ovechkin are worth it, my friends. Ovechkin: Maybe not the guy you'd pick first to cast in Hamlet, basically. Even if you were doing an all-NHL-player version of Hamlet. (Worst. Idea. Ever. Although I'm eager to discuss who would get to be Ophelia. I am thinking maybe Roberto Luongo.)

Why I Love Goalies. Colorado Avalanche: The Oldies, by vamm_goda.

Okay, so a bit ago vamm_goda posted the most amazing primer I have ever read, for the Colorado Avalanche, a team I had barely heard of. (Like, my sole point of reference before then was from when I shared an office with the world's most dedicated sports fan, who once spent an entire work afternoon arguing violently and fiercely with internet strangers on the subject of Colorado Avalanche: Stupidest Team Name Ever? Seriously, he took regular breaks to stride around the office and rant about the most irritating comments to us, gesticulating wildly and demanding we agree with how crazy this was, which, you know, we did, but only because he was himself clearly worryingly unbalanced. I mean, to give you some idea, I remember his flailing arms with great clarity, but I've forgotten what side he was on.) Anyway. I read this primer over the course of a couple of days, and I went from knowing nothing at all about the Avalanche to being genuinely interested and caring, which is - let's just say that even if I'm the only one who had that reaction, this primer still made an appreciable difference in the current total worldwide level of caring about the Avalanche. An impressive feat!

But if you don't want to read the whole primer - and you should! - you should at least read this post, because like all teams, the Avalanche has had some amazing and fascinating people on its roster. And if you don't read the whole thing - though you should! - just scan down until you find Patrick Edward Armand Roy, because - okay. Recently, someone on my friends list was asking why goalies are always said to be crazy. This post will answer that question. (Spoiler: IT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE CRAZY.) Patrick Roy was a fantastic goalie with an unnatural interest in his teammates' underwear, a desire to beat the shit out of any player who touched his net, and an apparent total lack of skill at pillow fights. (YES. Pillow fights. It's like that one commercial come to life! With a lunatic French-Canadian in it.) Basically, either he was crazy to start with (which I think is true) or being a goalie drove him crazy (which I also think is true), but either way: Dude was batshit.

But fun batshit. It's people like Patrick Roy who remind me why I love hockey. It isn't because my teams win (they don't, those motherfuckers). It's because the people involved are fascinating, and by fascinating I mean really weird and vaguely gay.

Okay. I think I can survive another week of the playoffs now. Tune in next week, when I will probably be doing a post entitled Screw It, Here's All the Reasons Hockey Is a Heartbreaker.

Comments

[missmollyetc]

Many of us spend the playoff in various stages of self-protective inebriation! I...honestly it doesn't help. /o\

(OVIE IS TRYING TO KILL ME, I SWEAR)

[thefourthvine]

I spent four years pregnant or breastfeeding. I HAVE NO ALCOHOL TOLERANCE AND A SMALL CHILD. Why didn't you TELL me that hockey is why Canada has good beer? I would have WAITED UNTIL I COULD HAVE A HANGOVER TO GET INTO IT.

Oh god, seriously, this is so awful. Hold me. Link me to something good. DO SOMETHING. I JUST WANT IT TO NOT HURT ANYMORE.

[copernica3]

What the HELL is going on with the Pens? Why do I even care? Two weeks ago I could not have said who Geno Malkin even is and now I just spent half of a pretty Sunday afternoon on my couch shrieking at him and his guys to get their shit together for fucks sake or else.
At least the Blackhawks won yesterday.

[thefourthvine]

I don't KNOOOOOOOOOOW, but it is SO AWFUL.

I just want to cling to you because you UNDERSTAND. *clings*

[paxpinnae]

The playoffs are killing us all, but because I decided to follow the dictates of conscience and my family not killing me and root for the Flyers, they are killing me in the best of all possible ways. I FOLLOW A WINNING SPORTS TEAM. A SPORTS TEAM THAT WINS THINGS. NOT JUST SOMETIMES, BUT A LOT. AND IT LOOKS LIKE MAYBE THEY MIGHT KEEP WINNING THINGS? I don't know, I'm confused. I used to just be an Astros fan; it has been a really, really, really long time since this happened.

The Blackhawks are killing me in a less positive way, but I have faith that they will eventually get their act together and stop making me cry. (Also, Tazer's first goal in the NHL was on an assist from Kaner, and his first goal back was on an assist from Kaner. EVEN THE HOCKEY GODS SHIP THEM.)

[mardia]

I used to just be an Astros fan; it has been a really, really, really long time since this happened.

OH DUDE. Sorry, I have a friend who's an Astros fan, so I have heard PLENTY. My condolences.

[annaalamode]

You are on my list, missy! I watched actual hockey today (okay a highlights package. Whatever. Same thing.) And, you know, you have awesome taste and a cute kid so I thought I could trust your judgement. But you didn't tell me that Crosby is the human embodiment of evil! I feel betrayed!

This message brought to you by my reflexive loyalty to Philadelphia sports teams.

PS I still think you have great taste and excellent judgement about all other things! :)

[thefourthvine]

BUT - BUT - BUT -

*weeps helplessly*

(Try the Blackhawks, if you can get past their horrible logo!)

[puckling]

The playoffs are depressing the fuck out of me, people.

I skipped the Pens-Flyers game. After watching three games yesterday (which had good results but 10 hours of hockey is EXHAUSTING) and the other two Pens games, I refused to tune in until the third and by that point... /o\ HOCKEY I LOVE YOU BUT WHY YOU GOTTA BE THAT WAY?

[thefourthvine]

GOD I KNOW. I am actually GRATEFUL that time zones and parenthood mean I am missing basically all the games. Because WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?

[mackiedockie]

Oh, dear. Your post may drive me into watching hockey again. Then again, I used to be a goalie, so I can be driven into nearly anything...

[thefourthvine]

Waaaaatch hockey! It is great. EXCEPT FOR THE PART WITH THE PAIN OH GOD. (Pick a team to fangirl that I don't, that's my first advice to you. THEN YOU WILL BE HAPPY.)

[fightingarrival]

The funny thing is that professional athletes being abominable dancers is more the norm than the exception? You would think that the kind of bodily awareness that makes someone a good athlete would translate into sweet dance moves, but they tend to be stiff and awkward instead. Maybe their training regimen sucks the rythm out of them.

This comment brought to you by the daughter of someone who likes Dancing with the Stars.

[thefourthvine]

We seem to live in a universe where NOTHING MAKES SENSE. Professional athletes SHOULD be good at dancing. They just should. Are you telling me Mario Lemieux has done the Kaner Shuffle? I. I don't want to BELIEVE that.

Curse you, Dancing with the Stars! CURSE YOU FOR DESTROYING MY CHERISHED IGNORANCE.

[odditycollector]

dnw to talk any more about hockey tonight, but I couldn't not leave this icon here

[thefourthvine]

I can't blame you for not wanting to talk about hockey, since it is a WRETCHED CRUEL SPORT THAT WILL ONLY HURT YOU, but that is a fucking AWESOME icon.

[doctor_denmark]

My favourite hockey cheer-up video: The Oilers' Kid Line plays with puppies.

[doctor_denmark]

Or, ok, embed appears to not be working so...here

Seriously though, puppies. And hockey players.

[marina]

AHAHA I am like 50-60% done with the Ovie primer (roga has seen it! And told me people will like it! Possibly she was lying! Only time will tell) but part of me has realized that it's taking so long because it's ACTUALLY LIKE THREE PRIMERS, NOT ONE. Like, you can't talk about Ovie and not talk about Sid, right? And once you talk about Sid and Ovie, maaaaan, you're stuck there for AGES, you know? Ugh. HAVE FEWER SIGNIFICANT HOCKEY PLAYERS IN YOUR LIFE, SASHA.

In other news I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH YOU about the Kaner shuffle and your comments are basically verbatim what I said to roga after we watched it, with the first item being HOW IS HE SO TERRIBLE AT DANCING. Forget rhythm, WHY IS HE SO INFLEXIBLE? D: He looks like he couldn't do a dance move to save his life but I KNOW FOR A FACE hockey players have to train for flexibility and agility, NOT JUST STRENGTH. I mean it's not even football or soccer or whatever! THEY SKATE ON ICE! THEY NEED GRACE! D: D: D: Remedial dancing-on-ice lessons for Patrick Kane from Johnny Weir, y/y?

(BTW, Weir's husband is a Russian Jewish dude who lives in the US, just FYI. You know who else is Russian (though not Jewish)? OVECHKIN >_> I'm just saying, I'd read that cracky crossover.)

[dine]

I'm eager for your primer(s) - and want to thank you SO much for translating that awesome clip of Ovie at the nightclub. I needed a laugh after this weekend's fightyness

[dexwebster]

I find it very telling that your number one favorite thing about Patrick Kane is Jonathan Toews.

I think the list of people who ship them by now is like:

the fans
the Blackhawks
the league
their moms
sports media

I'm surprised (and thankful!) they don't have a pairing portmanteau.

[thefourthvine]

...You're absolutely right. There is no Patrick Kane without Jonathan Toews, and there is no Tazer without Kaner. THAT IS JUST HOW IT IS.

And I think the only reason they don't have a portmanteau is that - well, what would it be? They already came up with nicknames so close together that it would basically be Kazer or Taner. (Although, hey, if you do their last names, you can get CAVES. Well, I mean, it would be spelled Koews, but it would be pronounced Caves, because there is something wrong with Tazer.)

Also, on your People Who Ship It list, you forgot their TEAMMATES.

[reginagiraffe]

I have a theory about althetes and bad dancing.

See, while they're doing their profession, the whole point is to NOT be predictable. Hockey, basketball, football, soccer, tennis; the whole point is to fake out your opponent so you can get by them and score the goal.

Dancing is ALL about being predictable. Moving to the beat. Moving in a way that your partner knows what your next move is going to be so that they can move in a compatible way.

So when you ask them to dance, you're basically telling them to go against all of their training.

That's why sports stars generally don't do very well on Dancing With The Stars.

[annaalamode]

I don't know. I think that, in practicing the same moves over and over again, the muscle memory becomes so engrained that the muscles aren't easily retrained. I mean, there is an element of deception in all sports but I think it more about the muscle memory involved in the sheer repitiion. When you think about basketball for example, there are only five basic movements practied in endless combinations, running, dribbling, passing, jumping and shooting. It's years and years of repetition.

And it's not just about not being able to translate those skills to dancing, I don't think. Look at when Michael Jordan played baseball. He was terrible at it, for many reasons, but one of them was that he had spent 20 years accruing basketball muscle memory and was attempting to "overwrite" that muscle memory.

Dancing is ALL about being predictable. Moving to the beat. Moving in a way that your partner knows what your next move is going to be so that they can move in a compatible way.

Most dancers at an elite or professional level have been forced to take an improv class or two or been involved in choreography of some sort. That kind of thing is completely unpredictable.

I guess I agree with your point about "going against all their training" but I disagree about what constitutes that training.

[james]

1) No one is getting all excited about the team I'm rooting for.

2) The Penguins losing means lots of angsty fic! Soon! because the Pens fans will suddenly have lots of free time on their hands when the Pens fail to advance!

3) Playoffs are all about pain and alcohol. Or cookies. Chocolate helps a lot, too.

4) I'm glad the Canucks are losing but not that the Kings are winning. Because the Sharks can't consistently beat the Kings, so we're screwed.

5) Club Can't Handle Me has been stuck in my head for days, and it's Kaner's fault.

[bonspiel]

4) I'm glad the Canucks are losing but not that the Kings are winning. Because the Sharks can't consistently beat the Kings, so we're screwed.

Amen re your first point - I'm enjoying the schadenfreude of all of Canada being all wtf Nucks, but I have to draw the line at actually honestly cheering for the Kings. Signs point to us being screwed way before the Kings are even a problem, though, since off the top of my head the 7 and 8 seeds would only meet in the conference finals.

[spuffyduds]

The accent of the Kaner teammate when he says, "Oh no, the can-can" is somewhere past adorable.

[thefourthvine]

Canadians are just REALLY FUCKING CUTE sometimes.

[gumbie_cat]

Thank you for this extremely well timed post. The Kaner shuffle is amazing! It has made my life much brighter. I suddenly feel so much better about my own dancing skills.

Also making my life brighter are the LA Kings. Mostly their twitter, which is genius:

@snelldarcie: If i could, i would marry the @LAKings twitter.

@LAKings: @snelldarcie Then we'd have Canadian citizenship!

[thefourthvine]

We need something to make our lives brighter, because OH MY GOD. The horror.

And the LA Kings twitter is AWESOME.

[dine]

thank you SO much for linking to that clip of Ovie - I really needed a laugh after all the fightyness this weekend. I can't wait for marina's primer, because while I love some of the other guys, ngl, Ovie is my fave

[templemarker]

I could not handle this weekend. As samjohnsson will attest I had to stop in the middle of moving to commence our mutual pain.

(I'm actually closer to you now--in the Wimbeldon complex by 28th and Steele!)

[samjohnsson]

Penguins fan, or Canucks?

Me, I'm so confused watching Braden Holtby. He's activating all my competence kinks on top of that faaaace, but he's blocking my Bergie and Segsy from advancing. So confused. So so confused!

ETA: Fellow puckhead linked me to ontd-pucking's annual hug-it-out post. Skip the chatter and go straight to the OMGGIFSQUEE. Seriously.

[thefourthvine]

Pens. *helpless sobbing*

I have seriously reached the point where I am almost GLAD that soon it will be over, both because THEN THE PAIN WILL STOP and because, wow, maybe then whatever bizarre brainswap thing that happened in the Pens locker room will get FIXED.

I admit it: I totally love Braden Holtby. Baby goalies are SO GREAT.

And that post was awesome. Thank you. I feel - better? A little better. OH GOD THE PLAYOFFS SUUUUUUUCK.

[aderam]

The only good hockey thing that has happened to me this week was the Canadian Women winning gold at the Worlds. Which was totally unexpected since the US wolloped us 9-2 in the round robin. And also our first gold in the worlds since 2007.

I'm still numb from the Canucks loss last night. Hockey is the worst! (And also the best.)

Haven't they got the memo? Hockey is my stress relief right now! (I fail at stress relief.)

Playoffs are totally the best (and the worst). Welcome to the club!

Also thanks for posting some good things!

[thefourthvine]

Hockey is my stress relief right now!

Okay, in all honesty, I am worried you are going to explode. Or stroke out. Maybe look into adorable puppies or kittens instead?

Playoffs are totally the best (and the worst). Welcome to the club!

WHY DID NO ONE MENTION THAT THIS WAS A CLUB OF MASOCHISTS? WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME TO STOCK UP ON CHOCOLATE AND ALCOHOL?

[ratherbe4gotten]

The playoffs are killing me Killing Me. I’m Pens all the way and I... just can’t. I know the playoffs can be brutal, but it’s the Flyers, THE FLYERS. I don’t know what makes them so good at finding our Achilles heal, but I would have given anything for the Pens to meet any other team in the first round /sigh/.

Stupidly I can’t seem to stop myself from reading the comments on all blogs that I just can’t seem to stop myself from opening. Why I have to stray from the safe cosy confines of fanish havens is beyond me. That said I’m pretty sure it’s all fandom’s fault! I always loved my team, but fandom made me see the individuals too. Watching your team get trampled is hard enough in the first place, but now it’s too hard to forget that these boys I love have got to be hurting so much right now. Did you see Marc Andre Fleury after he got pulled and then Talbot, of all people, scored on Johnson after 40 seconds? Or, maybe even worse, during the post game interviews ? I’m not usually a fan of violence, but I was right behind Tanger when he let loose on Timonen and then ‘shushed’ the crowd. Talbot has broken too many ties and hearts these last few games, and fanish tin hats aside, it’s got to be tough for Flower. I’d kind of hoped their friendship could have survived.

I'm not totally in denial, I know that the Pens haven't played at anywhere the level that they need to... and that resorting to the level of the lowest common denominator to motivate your team mates can only be excused so far... but I'm reminded of what you said in your last hockey post, about the difference between how fangirls and fans react to hockey, and right now I want to wrap the whole team up and pet them until they realise that it's all going to be okay.

Oh hockey...

[thefourthvine]

I don't even know what to say. LET'S WEEP ON EACH OTHER'S SHOULDERS ABOUT HOW COMPLETELY AWFUL THE PLAYOFFS ARE. It's the FLYERS. And our team got BRAINSWAPPED or something.

right now I want to wrap the whole team up and pet them until they realise that it's all going to be okay.

Yes. Oh, yes. I mean. They do need to play better. And they do need to stop trying to beat the Flyers at their own game, because that is not how the Pens play. And they need to FIX THE BRAINSWAP. But. I just want to MAKE IT BETTER.

*cries some more*

[bonspiel]

TFV, I'd like to applaud your timing - you managed to become a hockey fan right before the first playoffs where every game of the first round series has been on regular cable channels. We're dorks enough that we splurge for Center Ice, but I'm glad that everyone else can share in the obsession this year. Ah, I love the first round. As neither a Pens nor a Flyers fan, I have found their series hella entertaining, albeit apt to produce giggles at any moment due to its randomness.

It took me many minutes to actually make it through that Kaner video, due to my deep and abiding embarassment squick. There was much hiding of the face in the elbow happening.

[thefourthvine]

That is actually for real the worst timing in the world, because I don't have a TV. And thanks to the NHL's assumption that everyone in North America has a TV, I am not even allowed to BUY the games.

Which, you know, FINE. I didn't want to see this awful games in HD ANYWAY. (And DON'T YOU LAUGH AT MY PAIN. *sniffle*)

See, I have a huge embarrassment squick, but I find, upon rewatching, that I am not embarrassed until the end. (I don't want the teammates attempt to replicate the Kaner Shuffle, because - uh. Embarrassment.) Kaner apparently eradicates my squick? I don't know. IT'S MAGIC.

[archersangel]

i watched about 10 min. of the pens-flyers game the other day. the flyers scored like 4 times. i turned the tv off.

[thefourthvine]

*weeps helplessly*

[sabra_n]

In other words, as I said in the comments a while back, this is the video that perfectly explains Kaner. He's the worst! But he's HONESTLY the worst, and he's FINE with being the worst, and also sometimes you think he's the worst and he's actually the best.

You...made him sound like Britta Perry. Which almost makes me want to take my few remaining non-work hours and use them on hockey, but I cannot. No new fandoms until the workdays stop averaging 10.5 hours. *twitch*

[thefourthvine]

OMG. Now I am picturing the Community folks as a hockey team! I think Abed would be the goalie. Annie and Shirley on defense. Jeff, Troy, and Britta as forwards. SO GREAT OMG.

(He's totally Britta Perry. Except with ADDED FAILBOT.)

[ratherbe4gotten]

Oh dear god, the Pens/Flyers game just made the BBC News... as in I just looked up from my sofa in the UK and saw Tanger's fight as the backdrop to the newsreader commenting on the highly spirited ice hockey match and the astounding amount of penalty minutes clocked up by each team.

I have never, ever, seen hockey on the news here. If we're really lucky, the super bowl half time show might get a passing mention, but other than that north american sports might as well exist in a black hole.

The circus really has come to town.

[thefourthvine]

Ohhhhh my GOD. If the BBC is covering this, this is, like, the FACE OF ICE HOCKEY IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. Oh god WHY? *hides head*

[chococat]

Hi! Newbie to Hockey fandom here!

I saw your post about the fandom awhile back and it was my gateway to the wonders of all of the hockey boys. The worst thing is that my timing couldn't be more off, and instead of being in the joyful flush of a new fandom and sport, I am riddled with worry about the playoffs. I didn't even know I could become so stressed out about a sport I wasn't even into that long ago! My heart is being torn out after each game and interview. Ugh the Pens! Sidneyyy! Where is the hockey robot I was expecting??

Anyways, this recent post made so much more sense to me on whatever is wrong with Sidney Crosby. Of course Sid is a socially awkward 4 year old who doesn't know how to interact with humans! Maybe that's why he watches so many Friends episodes! He just wants to be like everyone else, even though he doesn't understand them. :(

Moving on beyond the Penguins and Sidney (sorry I have become a little obsessed with them), thank you for sharing the Kaner Shuffle video because it is perfect and made of rainbows and unicorns and brightly colored Hawaiian shirts. I loved it.

Lastly, do you mind if I friend you? :)

[thefourthvine]

Hi! Sorry I dragged you into the hell that is this playoffs season. It was a horrible thing to do, and not meaning to was NO EXCUSE. I just didn't know how much AGONY it would be. Um, we can weep together, anyway?

My current theory on Sidney is that either his operating system updated right before the series, and it's REALLY BUGGY, or he encountered some red kryptonite. I'm liking the kryptonite theory best, actually.

(And I find Sid's obsession with Friends SO TRAGIC. I mean, I've never seen it, but basically I think it's a plotless sitcom about - friends? HE YEARNS FOR WHAT HE CAN NEVER HAVE. Oh, SID.)

And friend away! I would be delighted. I - will probably talk about stuff other than hockey. Eventually. Once the weeping is over.

OH GOD THERE'S ANOTHER GAME TOMORROW. I - I don't know if I can take this.

*sobs pathetically*

[engenda]

Timezones mean I'm generally getting the Pens/Flyers scores at work.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE PRODUCTIVE AFTER SEEING THE SCORE ON MY PENS APP? I'm at the point where I feel like I've jinxed them, because I'm following them.

It hurts. A. Lot.

The Kanershuffle however is a thing of beauty. Horrible, no good, very bad, beauty. Toews monotone - is it wrong I want to just roll around in it and cackle?