Sex Really Is the Universal Fandom, Apparently

[thefourthvine]

Best Beloved recently developed a desire to see a movie about a man with a disturbingly large moustache duking it out with a bald robot in a cowboy hat. Fortunately, there is a movie that meets this need. I was not judging this choice, but she still felt she had to defend it, and one point of her defense was that said movie was nominated for various awards.

This led, as was inevitable, to me browsing the IMDb for other nominees and winners of the Nebula for Best Script (given by your friends and mine, the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America). Which led me to discover that in 2000, the winner was The Sixth Sense, which beat out The Matrix, The Iron Giant, The Devil's Arithmetic, and a movie called Private Black Label 7: The Uranus Experiment 2.

Let me just repeat that: Private Black Label 7: The Uranus Experiment 2.

I read it out loud to Best Beloved, and she said, "Sounds like porn."

"It does," I said, "but why would they nominate porn for a screenwriting award?" (In my youth, I sat through several porn movies, and I tell you what: even if there had been a Nebula for Best Script That's at Least 50% "AAH!" and "OH GOD YES!" these movies still would not have won. Somewhere there is good porn, I'm guessing, but none of the guys I knew in high school or college knew about it.) So I checked. It is, in fact, porn. The plot keywords are Hardcore, Orgy, Second Part, Ejaculation, and Spaceship, which - wow, evocative. You can kind of see the story unfolding, can't you? In fact, I think I've read that story. Hmmm.

This obviously leaves me with a burning need to know what the hell is so special about Private Black Label 7: The Uranus Experiment 2. (Also I'm wondering how it got a Nebula nomination, and what exactly the voting process there was, but that, I figure, is a story for a different time. I am betting massive quantities of wank were involved - and, um, not just the kind you do by yourself.) Has anyone out there actually seen this cinematic masterpiece? (Ask your friends! And your parents! And your teachers!) Is it the kind of gripping, brilliant work Ursula Le Guin would have produced if she had ever been inspired to write hardcore spaceship orgy porn? (Ursula! Call me! I have a pitch for you!) What makes it so much better than parts 1 and 3, which were not nominated? (I mean, part 1 apparently had a sex scene filmed in NASA's vomit comet, which shows enormous dedication on the part of the actors and whoever put up the money, but that didn’t make it worthy of consideration.)

I just. I yearn to know. And yet I doubt Netflix carries this undoubtedly excellent title, and also, I really, really don't want to watch it. But someone somewhere must have!

Or, alternatively - somewhere out there, there must be a person who watches a lot of het porn. There is a recapping job just crying out to be done here, person!

Comments

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I've told this story before, but when I was in high school, my sister and her boyfriend and me and a guy rented porn. Which we watched in the TV room at my parents' house. My father wandered in in the middle, looking for dirty laundry, and my sister elected to PAUSE rather than STOP, right on a close up of oral sex. My father looked at the screen and said, "Oh, how nice. She's giving that man mouth-to-genital resuscitation."

Also while I was in high school, I was at a party at a house occupied by a friend and some of her friends, and we sent one of the guys who lived there to rent a movie. He came back with a real movie and four porn movies (as guys always did in those days), and the party (overwhelmingly male) decided to watch the porn first. It got hotter and hotter in the house, and eventually every woman in the place migrated to the kitchen, where we had the door wide open, wondering how long it would take the guys to notice they were boiling. We eventually discovered that the thermostat had broken; the temperature was over 90 by the time the movie ended. Every single guy assumed it wasn't hot in there, it was just him. The movie in question? An x-rated version of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, where she fucks the caterpillar.

My point: I HAVE DONE MY TIME IN THE PORN MINES. NO MORE. Some other brave soul will have to recap it.

[sequinedfairy.livejournal.com]

i actually have read that story, and i still think you dad deserves the entire world (or, at least, the internet) for that reaction. because, yes. the brilliance of that cannot be underestimated.

she -- fucks the caterpillar? i could see the mad hatter. or the white rabbit. or even the queen! (actually, the queen would be kind of hot.) but the caterpillar?

i say it again: OH, BOYS. high school boys are truly the pinnacle of human achievement, i must say. (i see them every day. sometimes, i just want to curl up in a ball and cry for them.)

BUT I AM PICTURING YOUR DIALOGUE AFTER THAT MOVIE, AND IT IS GIVING ME A HEART ATTACK FROM BRILLIANCE. but, fine. be that way. PROTECT YOUR INNOCENT BRAIN CELLS, why don't you?

also, you better link to that brave soul.

[jotasbrane.livejournal.com]

If it's a porn movie, I would think she would take a turn with everyone.

[sequinedfairy.livejournal.com]

okay, point. but - caterpillar? really?

(also, am i the only one who really wants alice/queen of hearts pwp now? or, like, any type of fic? it would be so awesome!)

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

She fucks all those people - the rabbit, the hatter, the queen (and I think I even recall her fucking the dormouse, plus, obviously, Tweedledee and Tweedledum), but she spends the majority of her fucking time with the caterpillar. Of course, I left after the first half, so maybe it got really good and less caterpillary after that.

high school boys are truly the pinnacle of human achievement, i must say.

There were also many college boys in that audience! And 50% of them were in a local band! (Not all the same band. Four different ones. I don't want you picturing a local band that has to be transported on multiple full-size buses or anything.) So, really, it was a fine cross-section of male youth, so no wonder they almost died of heatstroke in the middle of winter without thinking to open a window.

[sequinedfairy.livejournal.com]

...i thought they got BETTER once they were in college? thanks for RUINING MY HOPES AND DREAMS, TFV. thanks a lot.

do they ever get better? because i'm pretty much bisexual now, but the knowledge that the level of maturity i face now is NEVER GOING TO CHANGE, i may make the leap into lesbianism. anything is better than people who think that watching girl/caterpillar sex based on a timeless children's classic could be so hot it would make a room feel like it was ninety degrees.

*prepares for a life batting for the other team*

[stasia]

They do get better, but most take until their late twenties, and some take longer. (Some, of course, are fine much earlier, but, well...)

I don't bat at all for the Other Team, so I'm pretty muchly stuck with males. I've, erm, tried many before finding one I think is really worth it, and even he, sometimes, is hopelessly *sigh* male.

I'm sure he regards me similarly. I have this need to talk about things, don'tchaknow. *grin*

Don't give up on them, though.

Stasia

[sequinedfairy.livejournal.com]

i think i will just stay lesbian through college, and then look around and decide what i want to do. oh, boys.

otherwise, i could just rely on boys for hookups, and girls for emotional attachments/friendships/actual things that require talking. i'm sure i'll figure it out!

i admire you supremely for finding a good one, even if he is quite male. you've given me hope!

[illariy.livejournal.com]

Every single guy assumed it wasn't hot in there, it was just him. The movie in question? An x-rated version of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, where she fucks the caterpillar.

OMG, this just about killed me.

And I'm a teeensy bit curious about the sex scenes now. Caterpillar sex, wtf?!

[liddle-oldman.livejournal.com]

Your father, I think, defines sang froid.