Chicken Help Requested!

[thefourthvine]

Dear meat-cooking faction of my friends list,

I would like to make some chicken. I want it to be a mix of white and dark meat, something that I can easily convert into small pieces, and fairly tender (not dry, not very chewy). It does not need much of a sauce, because most of it will go into the freezer for Earthling Chicken Salad. (Chicken pieces + diced fresh tomatoes + olive oil + choice of flavoring.) Ideally, it should keep all the fat it came with.

What do I need to buy? (Keep in mind that I am buying this for Tiny Alice Waters, and thus should probably go for higher-quality chicken, if there is a variation in quality amongst chickens; also, for reasons of personal moral qualms, I am willing to pay more for more humanely-treated chicken, if that exists.) Where should I buy it? What do I need to do? How can I make chicken happen?

Please keep in mind that although I am a good home cook, I have never made meat. I was a vegetarian long before I learned to cook, so meat has always been a total blind spot in my kitchen vision, if that makes sense. If there is a ritual anointing that anyone would know to do? I don't know it. If there's some safe-handling thing that is so insanely obvious that no one ever mentions it? I won't do it unless you tell me to do it. You know those exercises you had to do in school where you had to pretend the teacher was an alien (generally not much of a feat of imagination, there) and explain to her how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Please pretend I am an alien, because I am. I have never visited Planet Meat before. I need a very thorough travel guide.

I have a crockpot, and if a crockpot can produce this kind of food, I would prefer to use it, since mine has three crocks and one can just become the Meat Crock. But if there is an easy, non-crockpot method for producing chicken, I would also enjoy hearing about it. (Please nothing that requires setting fires. I would prefer to emerge from this with all my parts basically intact.)

I would really appreciate your help. (And Tiny Alice Waters would, too.)

<3,
TFV

Comments

[basingstoke]

Also, I was just reminded of this by my own trash can. Oog. Meat trash (the wrapping, the tray or anything else from the raw meat, any scraps of skin or fat you cut off) REEKS like NOTHING your vegetarian life has prepared you for. It's worse than poo or vom; it's far worse than baby diapers. So if you have the ability to instantly throw away meat trash (outside dumpster, trash chute) then DO IT.

I just had to tie a bandana over my face and stuff a trash bag btwn my back door and screen door because I'm snowed in and can't get to the outside trash can. Horrible.

[reginagiraffe]

And beef debris (if you ever get that far) is *far worse* than chicken.

[libitina]

I put all of my meat detritus in its own bag in the freezer until the eve before trash day. I also do this with empty milk cartons, so they can also hold meat scraps.