Conscious Television. Or Something.

[thefourthvine]

A couple of times a month, Best Beloved, the earthling, and I will go out to breakfast at a locally renowned diner-ish place. It has a shelf by one of its windows where people can set out free literature: brochures, yes, and also the Skeeviest Postcards You Ever Did See, but mostly magazines and catalogs. These catalogs and magazines are divided into general categories:

1. Gay: It's Not a Lifestyle, We Just Like Built, Pretty Men with Huge Cocks
   
   
2. Marijuana: It's Not Even a Drug, It's Totally a Lifestyle, and If You Happen to Be Using Any, We Are Sure It's for Entirely Legal Medicinal Purposes That We Can Definitely Provide You with a List of, in Case You Accidentally Forgot What Those Purposes Were
   
   
3. Whackmobile-o-rama: Now with a Free Ticket to Lemuria

The earthling loves this area, because the shelf is located maybe a foot off the floor, meaning he is free to browse through the publications and make selections that he carries to us. This is how we got my favorite ever "GLBT" magazine. I put "GLBT" in quotes, because in my experience, what that actually means is "We're only putting cisgendered gay men on the cover, and we're only writing about gay men and circuit parties and Dolce and Gabbana, but you LBT types are also welcome to read us. If you want to." My favorite "GLBT" magazine has, of course, a shirtless, six-packed (white) man on the cover. His head is carefully positioned so that, in the subheader "for the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered community in Southern California" he obscures "lesbian, bisexual" completely, and most of "and transgendered" as well. It's not really a visual metaphor; it's just truth in magazine covers.

Anyway. We are generally at least mildly interested in the publications in the first two categories, or we pretend to be while the earthling is watching us, but the third is obviously the superior one. And my favorite example of this is a brochure for the Los Angeles Conscious Life Expo. I mean no offense to any of you living Conscious Lives (I am sure you are not, personally, insane) when I say that, to a person who lives a plain old mundane (unconscious?) life, this thing is hysterical.

Some of the offered panels and classes are relatively normal-sounding ("Optimal Thinking for Turbulent Times" could just as easily be offered at a management seminar, not that I am suggesting that those are bastions of sanity), but then you get things like "Nibiru, 2012, and You" (no, I didn't know what Nibiru meant, either, but you should really go read the Nibiru Collision Wikipedia entry, if for no other reason than the, um, "photographic evidence") and "The Government Response to '2012' and What Obama Knows." (I really don't think you can cover what Obama knows in a three-hour workshop, but I'm getting the sense that there's something major on the whackmobile horizon for 2012. Excuse me, I meant '2012.' Apparently it has to do with Interdimensional Communications and The Shift, judging by other panels, but I'm really hoping it has no connection to the Unleash Your Secret Healing Microbes thing, because interdimensionally communicating shifting secret microbes in a government cover-up - I don't actually want to live a Torchwood plot.)

My point about this, though, is that in this brochure, I have found the Well of Lost SG1 Plots. Or maybe not lost; it is entirely possible that the entire show was written from previous Conscious Life Expo brochures. (You can't tell me they don't also have Conscious Lives in Vancouver, and apparently when you have one, you want to exhibit it.) Check out these seminar (Workshop? Panel? Shouting contest? Whatever.) titles:

• Ascension: Masters of Immortality. Hi, Daniel! And, you know, Oma. Plus the Greek Chorus of smug folks of questionable morality.
  
  
• Legacy of the Gods: Keys to Our Cosmic Past. Goa'uld. Obviously. In my head, this panel thing is hosted by a completely raving version of Daniel who never got recruited by the Stargate program and went irretrievably insane in that Cassandra-ish way. I picture him with long unkempt hair and an old car with a lot of bumper stickers on it, many of them in hieroglyphics. He probably hosts an AM radio show.
  
  
• Freedom's Gate: America's Temple of Ascension. If this is not the stargate, I don't know what it is. And, for the record, I don't want to. Some things should not be googled.
  
  
• The Sound of Light. I've, you know, never actually seen the show, but wasn't this the episode that had that sequence with Daniel on the balcony and Jack hugging him that you see in all the vids?
  
  
• Claim Your Second Life Now!!! (Yes, all those exclamation points are in the original. Please tell me you don't think I would do that of my own free will.) Actually, Daniel's claiming his seventeenth life, but then I would expect him to be leading the pack. Of course, I can claim a Second Life right this minute by visiting a website and registering. Maybe they're talking about that.
  
  
• The Future of People. ...As beings made of energy on a different plane, one assumes. Or maybe they mean as Soylent Green, but obviously the Stargate showrunners thought more in terms of energy bodies, which is exactly what is wrong with SF on TV these days, if you ask me.
  
  
• Regenesis: 5th Dimensional Light Bodies. And again with the ascension. It's a theme. I just - reading this, I worry that there are people who watch SG1 and SGA and think they're documentaries, in which case - oh, god, I just want to hold them and tell them it isn't so. Although I probably can't. Strong incense and patchouli make me wheeze.
  
  
• Proactive Manifestation of Future History. I have no fucking clue what this means, but I'm pretty sure Merlin knows. Also, after a lengthy pause to parse this, I have concluded that it maybe means making the future happen early? Maybe? In which case NO PLEASE DON'T DO THAT. I have read that story. It never ends well.
  
  
• Galactic Awakening. This is the Ori, or I will eat something. Not a hat, mind you. Maybe a cookie. But, still, I am pretty sure that late in the run of SG1, the writers were flipping through a Conscious Life Expo brochure and saw this and exclaimed with joy.
  
  
• Ascension Panel: The 7th Golden Age of Humanity. Do I even need to say it? No. So I'll just say - we've had six previous ones? When? And, um. If ascension is anything like it is in the Gateverse, I would not describe it as a Golden Age of Humanity. Maybe a Golden Age of Assholes. That's as far as I'm willing to go.

If I had known free publications were all I needed to write for television, I'd've chosen that career path. (I am assuming the people who read the gay magazines wrote for Queer as Folk, but what do the people who read the marijuana stuff write?)

But my real point is, maybe we should be grateful SG1 and SGA were canceled when they were, because I think the showrunners had run out of useful workshop titles, and for future seasons they'd have had to mine, like, the Tantric Love Energy workshops. Or the ones about Optimal Thinking and Money Management. Or the one about vaccines. I - I am glad I didn't have to witness that, even secondhand.

Comments

[niqaeli]

Proactive Manifestation of Future History.

This sounds like one of Asimov's Foundation novels. Is the teacher's name Olivaw, perchance?

[thefourthvine]

Charles Ostman, but that could totally be a cover, especially since he is "the chair of the Technology Development Committee of NanoSig, a non-profit nanotechnology development institution with the specific objective of facilitating investment opportunities in nanotechnology." Which, um. I am choosing to believe the cover thing.

Unfortunately, the class description makes WAY less sense than the Foundation novels, or indeed anything Asimov ever wrote, since he had a basic familiarity with the English language that whoever wrote this seems to lack.

[giglet]

I am assuming the people who read the gay magazines wrote for Queer as Folk, but what do the people who read the marijuana stuff write?

Clerks?

[crypto]

I was thinking Farscape.

[starlurker]

Ha! In one of my old jobs, I had to attend to someone who was part of Conscious Life, but more along the health and spirituality side of things. He was a Universal Intuitive Scientist as well as a Medical Intuitive, capital letters at his insistence. He said that he could read my Book of Life and knew that I wasn't feeling well that day due to a lack of essential oils in my system. By the way, was I interested in buying essential oils, because he happened to have some free samples!

I blocked out most of that traumatic day, but I do remember there being a seminar or workshop about attuning yourself to the 5th level of Atlantean healing energy present in our bodies, which clearly explains SGA, don't you think?

[wychwood]

...can I metaquotes this?

[toft]

I'm totally going to call my thesis "Proactive Manifestation of Future History".

[thefourthvine]

PLEASE DO OMG I WANT A COPY.

[annaalamode]

"We're only putting cisgendered gay men on the cover, and we're only writing about gay men and circuit parties and Dolce and Gabbana, but you LBT types are also welcome to read us.

You know, if you substitute "cisgendered gay men on the cover" for "actress with a movie coming out" and then substitute "LBT types" (which I am really really glad I didn't type BLT like I always want to) for "people who want to read about labels that don't advertise in your magazine (and also think Tom Ford is a massive d-bag <-this is more me-specific)", this describes my relationship with fashion mags. Life is hard, sigh.

[thefourthvine]

this describes my relationship with fashion mags

I had no idea, since my relationship with fashion mags can be described as, "Well, I know they exist."

I just think there's a huge problem with magazines being dishonest with themselves and their audiences about who they actually mean to serve. (It sounds like the people the fashion mags are intending to serve would be, you know, marketers. As opposed to fans of fashion and persons who wear clothes.)

o.O

[elke_tanzer]

but what do the people who read the marijuana stuff write?

... um. Everything else?

Re: o.O

[thefourthvine]

See, I don't know about TV. Is there really a lot of pot on most shows?

[scrollgirl]

No, no. I'm pretty sure SG-1 had a few episodes about vaccines. *g*

[risha]

Also, SGA had that one horrifying episode where they created a vaccine against the Wraith. And then a whole arc about changing them into humans, which is kind of related... Medical ethics wasn't really their strong point.

[fish_echo]

AHAHAHAHAAAA :) Thank you for braving those brochures for our sake!

[thefourthvine]

They are awesome! No, really! I would love to go to those workshops, although I admit I might not be attending in precisely the right spirit. *g*

[rydra_wong]

In my head, this panel thing is hosted by a completely raving version of Daniel who never got recruited by the Stargate program and went irretrievably insane in that Cassandra-ish way.

Now I really want to read the AU where Daniel is presenting panels at the Conscious Life Expo.

[lotesse]

I would totally read that!

[gozer]

It's a pity people in fandom don't create a religion, we could come up with something *much* more outrageous than what those hacks* came up with. OH WAIT, that's Scientology. Nevermind.



*"Hacks" being both the SG writers and the Conscious Life people.

[melannen]

You do know that Stargate *was*, in fact, based on that kind of whackmobile lit, right?

I missed out on watching Stargate for, like, the first six seasons, because I was all het up about all the people going on about how egyptian gods as aliens was *such a cool idea* when I'd been reading Erich von Daniken since I was ten, and it was so old news. :P

[arduinna]

OMG. You have just made my entire week. *still laughing*

[feanna]

I was just scrolling down for no particular reason (I should be cleaning my kitchen) and this post continues to absolutely crack me up!
I have also come to the realization that: "Proactive Manifestation of Future History."? Is totally Old-Spock in regard to newSpock and newKirk (meant to be, destiny, need, accomplish together, etc.).

[emceeaich]

Of course, I can claim a Second Life right this minute by visiting a website and registering.

Thank you. You have made my morning.

Having worked on Y2K projects, the question to ask the 2012 crowd is: "what critical infrastructure uses the Mayan calendar? And no the emacs Mayan calendar module does not count."

Here via the offices of rachelmanija.

[thefourthvine]

Having worked on Y2K projects, the question to ask the 2012 crowd is: "what critical infrastructure uses the Mayan calendar? And no the emacs Mayan calendar module does not count."

...The 2012 thing is about the Mayan calendar? I was hoping it was, at minimum, about a techno-scientific apocalypse the Man is bringing down on us. I am experiencing disappointment. (This is why I didn't go to this year's Conscious Life Expo, either. Even though it offered a class in how to identify and deal with the Reptilians. I just know it's better in my imagination.)

But I'm glad I made your morning. And I am happier person for knowing of the emacs Mayan calendar module.

[rikibeth]

I now forget who linked to you but it doesn't matter: I laughed so hard I had trouble drinking my tea. Thank you!

[jinian]

Rachelmanija just pointed people here recently and I was forcibly reminded by this email we just got at my university:

A Framework for Leadership Agility

With so many negatives in today's workplace, how can you stay positive, focused, and energized?

Greet the day and discuss this question and more with your fellow UW leaders at Network, POD’s new breakfast for champions of personal, professional, and organizational growth.

As you enjoy a continental breakfast, speaker Wendy Shepherd will give a short talk on Optimistic Even in the Face of Reality and will offer tips and strategies for focusing on the
positive, followed by discussion at each table.

Get an early start on your day—and a jump-start on the challenges of today—at Network!

Network: Optimistic Even in the Face of Reality
Tuesday, March 1, 7:30 – 9:00 a.m.

[thefourthvine]

...So the framework for leadership agility (what does that even MEAN) at your university is insanity?

Well. I guess it's good you know this now. It will help you adjust your agenda in any future meetings you might attend.

[paper-tzipporah.livejournal.com]

The people reading the marijuana stuff write for Weeds, obviously!

[fyrdrakken]

And The Daily Show. They're pretty honest about that being their target audience, anyway.

[ladyblahblah.livejournal.com]

I am assuming the people who read the gay magazines wrote for Queer as Folk, but what do the people who read the marijuana stuff write?

. . . Weeds?

ETA: Awww, too slow. XD

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Slow, maybe, but definitely right! I had forgotten such a show existed (because I really know nothing of it), but the title alone makes the second-category affiliation super clear.

[misspamela.livejournal.com]

...oh, California.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

...Is it a sign that I've been in CA too long that I had to ask BB what was specifically California about this post? (She said Conscious Lives.)

[claire.livejournal.com]

Seriously. They are just randomly picking "new age" words and putting them in some kind of order there, aren't they?

I lived a Conscious Life from 1500 to 1530 one October day. It was far too hard so I turned to alcohol.

(My desire to attend all these workshops/panels/etc is so large there isn't a font size large enough. I would totally keep a straight face and take notes!)

PS. If R.Pattz ever appears on the front of Gay White Dude Weekly, I want pics of the Earthling's reaction.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Seriously. They are just randomly picking "new age" words and putting them in some kind of order there, aren't they?

Well, it's either that, or they're speaking a language that sounds like English and looks like English but has nothing in common with English when it comes to meaning.

(My desire to attend all these workshops/panels/etc is so large there isn't a font size large enough. I would totally keep a straight face and take notes!)

Oh my god, I know! I mean, I bet it is super-expensive, but can you IMAGINE how fun it would be to blog the Conscious Life Expo?

[keerawa.livejournal.com]

Woman, I love you and your brain, and propose that you donate it to science once you claim your second life. Or ascend. Whichever comes first.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I am totally planning on going down with this ship, but if the energy beings come for me, I will ask them how donating organs and bodies works out with the whole ascension thing. (Now THERE'S one SG1 never explored, I bet.)

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

Ahahhahaahahahah.

*wipes eyes*

Oh, Daniel.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

You mean as in, "Oh, Daniel, your life - so much like a self-published new age manifesto?" *snickers*

[(Anonymous)]

I have so much love for this entry, I can't tell you! Well, I love all your hilarious entries (when are we getting more Star Trek TOS commentary?), but this one really hits a nerve, because all of my favorite cafes have such an area with this type of literature (nothing to do with literary value, it's just an expression, OK!)

I am mostly agog with admiration at your perusal of said priceless opuses -what is the plural of opus, opii?- enough for compiling a LOLastic and very instructional list: the truth behind the Stargate PTB's weird "imagination" while simultaneously possessing zero ability to grasp the concept of plot or character-driven stories (or continuity, sob!) is finally revealed.

But my real point is, maybe we should be grateful SG1 and SGA were canceled when they were, because I think the showrunners had run out of useful workshop titles, and for future seasons they'd have had to mine, like, the Tantric Love Energy workshops. [...] I - I am glad I didn't have to witness that, even secondhand.

I thought that SG 90210 covered these topics in their first ten episodes several times at length and repeatedly?

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

I am mostly agog with admiration at your perusal of said priceless opuses -what is the plural of opus, opii?- enough for compiling a LOLastic and very instructional list: the truth behind the Stargate PTB's weird "imagination" while simultaneously possessing zero ability to grasp the concept of plot or character-driven stories (or continuity, sob!) is finally revealed.

These works are truly rewarding reading on their own, but I had no idea I would discover how SG1 plotting worked all those years. Now, of course, I am regretting I didn't find out sooner; it can't be that hard to write for these publications, since they probably don't pay anything, so fandom could easily have infiltrated them and started angling for the stories we wanted to watch.

I thought that SG 90210 covered these topics in their first ten episodes several times at length and repeatedly? Which accounts for how unpopular the show seems to be... I could be totally off-base on this, it's not as if I was going to watch SGU to check the validity of this hypothesis - life is too short...

They might have! I only know about shows that have a big fannish following, because, you know, I don't actually watch TV, so I was only vaguely aware SGU ever even aired. But, wow, if they used all that material in just the first ten eps, they will be HURTING by season three. Pace yourselves, people!

[reginagiraffe]

*dies laughing*

*ascends*

[hellpenguin.livejournal.com]

i don't know if it's already been said, but the people writing the marijuana ones aren't writing much beyond "DUUUUUUUUUUDE".