Fear of a Green (Snarling) Planet

[thefourthvine]

I can't grow things. This is one of the basic facts of my life. If someone gives me a living plant, my only goal is to find someone else to give it to before my black thumb miasma begins to affect it and it loses its will to live. (Sometimes you can see our gift plants actively wilting the second they realize who their new owner is.) Our sole houseplant is one my mother gave to us when we bought our first house. It is an extremely accommodating plant, because it does not need much water, light, soil, or attention, and can survive for months apparently off of air alone. (We haven't been able to test it in vacuum, but I am pretty sure it would do fine without the air, too.) If I knew what it was, I would buy more, but I don't, so I just try to remember to water it every few weeks or so.

But last year, our neighbor across the street from our old house was offering small tomato plants for fifty cents each, and for some reason I bought some. I put them in containers we had left from previous growing experiments (the herb garden that the dog ate when she was puppy, the strawberry plants that never took), and watered them regularly, and after some time, we got tomatoes. Not a lot, but they were extremely tasty. The earthling loved them.

Then, in the middle of the summer, we moved. Our tomato plants did not survive.

In our new house, we don't have a gardening neighbor, but we do have an empty place where the pond used to be. (The previous owners had a fishpond. We have a toddler. One of our first moves was to remove the fishpond before the earthling fell into it.) We also have a sort of raised bed and a bunch of pots that used to have flowers before the old owners left them unattended for two months, meaning that we had to remove a lot of flower carcasses when we moved in.

So this year, I have planted many things, largely in a spirit of experimentation, and because the earthling likes buying seed kits. Our success has been - well. The raised bed now contains zucchini and tomatoes, and two things are obvious about it:

1. I didn't space the plants right.
   
   
2. I missed the notation on the zucchini label that said "evil, carnivorous, mutant variety, bred by mad scientists to meet your world domination needs."

The raised bed is a solid mass of greenery. Most of the individual zucchini leaves are large enough that we could sew outfits for the earthling out of them, if they weren't covered in prickles. I swear the zucchini plants move; I see them shifting out of the corner of my eye, and each day they have visibly grown. One of them appears to be trying to launch itself out of the bed entirely. The tomato plants are now pressed against the wall and growing for their lives; they are acting like vines and growing up the wall of our house, and they have grown with such vigor they've actually uprooted the trellises they were supposed to use as supports. (The trellises are just kind of floating on a sea of green, now. I would pull them out, but I think the tomato plants would fight me for them. And they'd win.) The bed, what I can see of it by cautiously poking the zucchini and tomato leaves aside, is entirely free of weeds. The zucchini plants are probably eating them.

We have given up all hope of getting actual produce from this bed (there are zucchini and small green tomatoes in there, but I have no idea how I could pick them once ripe without risk to my limbs), and are providing the plants with all the water and food they want solely because we're afraid that if we don't we'll wake up one morning to find they've broken in through the windows and taken over the living room. We also try to keep the earthling away, because I am pretty sure I've seen green tendrils reach out for him when he walks by.

Elsewhere, we have green beans, which would definitely take the Most Terrifying Vegetable award if the zucchini-tomato mass hadn't redefined our concept of fear of green matter. Even the seeds were scary - giant and bulbous - and when they sprouted, they visibly distorted their peat pots. We had to transplant them within the week, with no hardening, because they were trying to climb up the blinds, and now they defy all attempts to train them to climb up their trellis; they're basically a giant bush of bean plants. The flowers are very pretty, though, and they haven't actually tried to eat anyone, so they are definitely taking second in the scary garden sweepstakes.

Third place is held by the pumpkin plant, which seems to double in size every two days or so and at this rate will be taking over most of the U.S. by the end of the summer. I realize that this sounds like a major threat, but don't worry; there's only about twenty feet between the pumpkin plant and the zucchini-tomato mass, so before it takes over, it's going to get eaten by the mutants. Again, I am not expecting actual pumpkins to come out of this. It seems to be wholly invested in producing leaves rather than fruits.

I tell you what: gardening is a whole lot easier in Harvest Moon videogames.

Anyway. We have some other things growing - herbs and so on. We've actually managed to get some strawberries from our strawberry plants, such that the earthling, if you say, "Do you want a strawberry?" will run to the back door with his mouth open, and every day he goes hopefully to the strawberry bed and signs, "Please, more, please, more, food to eat?" But mostly we are going to count ourselves well off if we all live through this gardening experiment.

And I keep searching for gardening communities on LJ and DW, but when I find them, they're all full of posts about fully utilizing your zone 3 gardening space, or permaculture, or forcing, which sounds bad but apparently is okay if you do it to plants. There are never any desperate posts that say, "Oh god the plants - the plants - they're COMING FOR ME. What do I do? Would a baseball bat work? I don't have a flamethrower!" Everyone else seems to be sedately growing food and flowers, instead of cowering before a mutant green strike force.

But I figure I can't be alone in this. Someone else out there has to be experimenting with gardening and mostly failing, right? Right? So, a poll. (Southern hemisphere types, I realize that this is out of synch for you. Do your best.)

Poll #3272 Garden Horror

Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 233

View Respondents

Are you growing or have you grown any of your own food this year?

View Answers

Yes
150 (64.7%)

No
82 (35.3%)

In terms of total volume cultivated, how would you describe your garden?

View Answers

Some herb pots by the window.
44 (23.7%)

Containers.
44 (23.7%)

Small garden plot.
81 (43.5%)

Big garden plot.
17 (9.1%)

Acres. I could feed a community off my garden.
0 (0.0%)

In terms of actual gardening skill, how would you assess yourself?

View Answers

We sow the seed, nature grows the seed, we eat the seed. I really don't see how this can be difficult.
13 (6.1%)

I plant things. They mostly grow. I'm not an expert or anything, but...
82 (38.5%)

I'm proud to say no lives have been lost in my gardening experiments.
52 (24.4%)

OH GOD HELP MEEEEEEE THEY'RE COMING.
15 (7.0%)

What's to fear? Everthing's dead.
51 (23.9%)

What should I do about my garden?

View Answers

Remain calm.
123 (53.5%)

Buy a machete.
105 (45.7%)

Buy a flamethrower.
41 (17.8%)

Salt the earth.
16 (7.0%)

Put the house on the market before the zucchini take over.
22 (9.6%)

I don't know what to say about this year, but next year, don't grow anything.
9 (3.9%)

It's totally normal to fear your garden. All the best gardeners do. Martha Stewart sleeps with an herbicide sprayer under her pillow.
82 (35.7%)

Take photos so we can know how the end of the world started.
187 (81.3%)

Comments

[quinfirefrorefiddle]

Actually, my aunt really does use a flamethrower in her garden.

No, really! You can buy them, they're legal. They are an eco-friendly way to kill weeds without harsh chemicals and such. They're also a LOT of fun!

[bluemeridian]

Yes, I did a double take the first time I realized what that picture was I'd been seeing in the garden catalogs! (Really. Honest. Not kidding. I bet they'd work great on zombies.)

[fightingarrival]

You've already been warned about the dangers of zucchini, but I'll add one more story. My family doesn't maintain a garden at all right now and we haven't for years. The zucchini still continues to thrive in the garden plot all alone with a few stray tomato plants. Last year I picked several zucchini as long as my forearm.

[peoriapeoriawhereart]

Do not grow more than a 'few' zuchini. Since you're in a Southern clime, three is a great plenty, and you will be passing laws no one leaves without taking some with them.

The compost pile is a valid place to grow pumpkins.

Tomato cages are the correct size for peppers and eggplant. Tomatoes use re-enforcing wire for concrete. The zuchini should generate some humidity for the tomatoes. Tomatoes are grouped into determinate and indeterminate. This lets you know which ones will vine and which bush.

Peas are a cold weather crop.

[tielan]

The compost pile is a valid place to grow pumpkins.

The compost pile is a natural haven for pumpkins to grow. One day you're mulching your leftovers, the next day OMG PUMPKIN PLANTS TAKING OVER THE GARDEN.

[sothcweden]

Your description (especially of the rabid zucchini plants) now has this song from Little Shop of Horrors running on a loop in my head. Be brave, and threaten them with Round-Up if they attack.

[foursweatervests]

Dude, zucchini are craaaaaaazy. It is totally normal to fear for your life, and for your tomatoes to be screaming their little seeds out. I would replant the tomatoes further away from the zucchini, since they need very little care in order to kill, maim and terrorize plants and small children take over the world grow delicious and nutritious foodstuffs.

It sounds like you have very alkaline soil; you may also want to try any number of squash and peas. They will love it.

your post made me cry laughing

[busaikko]

You remember the joke about the City Slicker who went to a small country town and was warned to lock the car doors. When she shook her head sadly and muttered about crime, her townsperson friend said, "No, no, it's just if you don't lock the doors you'll return to find your car filled full of zucchini."

I have a massive lemongrass bush, an indestructible rosemary, and weeds so high I'm afraid to go in the back garden for fear I may never return. I expect the neighbourhood association to come knocking any day now.

Also, my houseplants are dead. Not sure what happened. One day, ivy, next day, pile of dry leaves....

[lovekeller]

I hold the distinction of being someone that can kill zucchini plants - and not on purpose. Two years in a row now, only this year I throw them in a plot with my basil, thyme and chives, figuring what the hell, they'll be dead soon. Only not. They have taken their cue from your plants and may in fact be coming in under our home's foundation as I type.

I am the same kind of gardener that you are, so I know about the dearth of help of which you type - all those helpful sites seem to think you have the least little clue about what you are doing. Uhm, nope, I think I saw Johnathan Kent plant the soil on Smallville a couple of times and thought it seemed like a good idea :-)

[rike_tikki_tavi]

I'm amused that you profess to have a black thumb and in the next sentence it's OMG, the zucchini are about to take over the world and the tomatoes are helping them. But then, I'd forgotten what vicious growers green zucchini can be. The last few years we stuck with a yellow skinned version, that is a bit more well behaved. So in our garden it was usually the pumpkins that tried to take over and the potatoes cheered them on.

I do agree with everybody who said to pick the zucchini early. They'll be tastier, they won't have to be peeled and you will end up up to your eyeballs in zucchini otherwise. If you get a lot of tomatoes, too one of my favorite vegtable recipes is zucchini stewed with tomatoes and a little bit of bacon. We used to can this stuff and eat it all winter long.

[dzurlady]

I have a few small lettuce plants, some spring onions and some onion plants in a small pot (here's a picture, with bonus elephant watering can). I managed to stop the slugs from eating the plants first by putting out beer for them and then ringing the pot with salt (also good for repelling demons); but they are growing quite slowly. They are growing, not dying, but I wonder if they shouldn't be growing faster. Am I doing something wrong? I don't know!

Also I fertilised them, only I think I gave them too much fertiliser and burnt them because now some of the leaves have gone brown. (I hope that's what happened because I have no idea what else it could be.

Happily the drought has broken here so I don't have to remember to water them all the time.

I really wish that when I bought them there was more direction on the seedlings than 'place in full sun'. I don't even know what I don't know!

[tielan]

Hon, move to Sydney. We're just about to start building an ark.

Although I really need to do something about the slugs around here. With all the rain, they're really loving my garden. And I think they ate my snowpeas. :(

[jamjar]

You could plant something like potatoes. They don't take much care and they're great for clearing an area, because they'll take over, but at the end of the season, they can all be pulled out.

Pumpkins and related plants do take over-- they're great for clearing a garden, because if you plant them and let them go, they'll take over all the remaining space and then when they're done, they're easy to pull out.

You could also try planting redcurrents. Nice, relatively contained plants, don't need anything doing to them.

Rhubarb is famously tough on it's own. My parents have a plant in their garden that they found half buried under a pile of bricks. Took off the bricks and it's still going strong 30 years later.

Raspberry canes are great if you have kids, because they do give and give all summer. Once a year, you cut them down and once a year, you tie them up, but that's pretty much it. Autumn fruiting ones don't even need to be tied up. My parents have always grown them, with pretty good success, despite having really the wrong ground for them.

[brownbetty]

Oh, yes, rhubarb is legendarily unkillable. I know rhubarb plants that are kept like, 'in the driveway, under the truck.'

Although, it might be a bit frightening, it sort of resembles the zucchini in its hugeness, once it gets going. At least the leaves aren't prickly?

[shadowvalkyrie]

I love your sense of humour so much! Whenever you post something, my mood brightens because I know I'm about to laugh for five minutes solid. (Or get to read good fic, if it's a rec post. Win-win either way.) Thank you for that!

My problem isn't the plants so much as the rabbits... ":-/ They've moved on from a mere infestation to a controlled invasion force. It's a good thing I don't like vegetables anyway. (Poor downstairs neighbours, though.) The only thing they've left alive is the garlic. Thoughtfully installed rabbit wire fence not withstanding. I have no idea how they do it -- parachuters maybe?

(And I agree on the weirdness/uselessness of gardening comms. They are full of competent people (which I am not), who live in zones (which I probably do, too, but don't for the life of me know where to look up), and post pictures titled 'gardening porn' (which depresses me, because there's never a glimpse Poison Ivy to be found in them -- I swear she's worse than Waldo).
I stay for the photoes of other people's gardens, though. It's... a very special kind of living vicariously, I suppose. A masochistic kind.

[kathmandu]

The zones are determined by the U.S. Department of Agriculture. The hardiness zone map shows how cold it gets in winter, so when people talk about 'hardy to zone five' or whatever, they're talking about how much cold their plants can stand up to.

[macey]

I will say here that do not worry, courgette plants are like that. (damn you americans, the french named them first!) One thing to note: if you want courgettes, pick the vegetables when they are about three centimetres in diameter - under two inches. You'll probably need gardening gloves and a bread knife to do so, however, if you wait, then you'll get marrows, which you will need a hack saw (and possibly gardening gloves!) to eat. Although the massive ones can be good hollowed out, stuffed with some form of couscous, and baked (for ages). Don't worry if they still have flowers attatched; that's fine, they're ripe and, in fact, in france they sell them like that - the flowers are apparently edible, although I've never tried.

Btw, I answered the above as if I were still living with the parentals, who have a tennis-court sized garden which was mostly lawn eight years ago. Every year, in early march, my father picks up a spade and goes forth to destroy more innocent grass in the name of vegetables. We grow apples, plums, blackberries, raspberries, blackcurrants, rhubarb, beans (french and green), peas, courgettes, celariac, parsnips, carrots (maybe a good next choice? you've never tasted carrot 'til you've pulled one out the ground, washed it, and eaten it), onions, beetroot, corn, lettuce (three kinds; also another very handy veg to grow), spinach - I can't even remember most of them. Oh, and artichokes. I do not know why we grow artichokes. They take an hour to eat, and are basically thistle plants as tall as a human. now /those/ are scary evil veg.

[macey]

Also, I'm seriously jealous of your gardening-ness - it's going to be a minimum of two years, probably more like ten before I can live anywhere with a garden. damn you uk housing market...

although you can do quite a lot with a south-facing balcony or window - my grandma grows tomatoes indoors directly out of soil bags!

[brownbetty]

Aahahahha, zucchini plants? TFV, you never plant more than one zucchini, unless you frontier family with thirteen children to feed.

You know, it is allowable to just pull some of them up, if they're too close together. The crowded ones don't produce as well, so removing them is for everyone's benefit.

[thefourthvine]

Yes, I planted zucchini plants - four, but the tomatoes ate one of them. I am a little alarmed by how funny everyone thinks it is, planting four zucchini plants. (Although I should note that my mother, once when I was young, planted twenty of them. That year, some kind soul gave us a recipe book called 101 Recipes for Zucchini. My mother made all of them, I believe.)

[psyche29]

Giggling like a helpless idiot, here. If we had more than a three-by-ten foot balcony, then what you've described is what would be happening to us, too.

I tell you what: gardening is a whole lot easier in Harvest Moon videogames.

TRUER WORDS!!

[thefourthvine]

Yay! Someone else who has played Harvest Moon! (I was starting to think we were the only ones.) It's just - so easy in Harvest Moon. You plant, you water, you reap, you sell. The real thing is much messier.

[labellementeuse]

I answered on behalf of my parents, on account of I don't like dirt, but I love fresh produce and cooking with fresh herbs. (Actually, it's not so much that I like cooking with fresh herbs, it's that I despise cooking with dried herbs.) Anyway, I can't really give you special tips, but I can say that tomatoes, zucchini, and pumpkin are all very sprawly as a matter of course (we compost and we've actually had pumpkins grow out of compost, which considering the way compost spreads and the fact that you can't actually get PUMPKIN out of the stuff you buy from the supermarket cos they're hybrids or whatever mystical gardening term means that this just doesn't work... un-pumpkining pumpkin plants everywhere.) Some less sprawly vegetables, if you like them, include carrots (also FUN to grow! Because you can check on them! (You're not supposed to, but you can.)), leeks (amazing fresh, OMG) and lettuce.

[thefourthvine]

Actually, it's not so much that I like cooking with fresh herbs, it's that I despise cooking with dried herbs.

You and the earthling have a lot in common, then. I no longer really bother much with dried herbs, partly because after so long cooking with fresh ones, I can also taste the difference.

Some less sprawly vegetables, if you like them, include carrots (also FUN to grow! Because you can check on them! (You're not supposed to, but you can.)), leeks (amazing fresh, OMG) and lettuce.

I am definitely trying carrots and radishes and lettuce and leeks next. All of those sound far less threatening than what we're currently dealing with.

[giglet]

For the sake of your loved ones, put on armor and pick the zucchini as soon as you see them. (If you wait a day, it may be too late.)

I have a small side-yard that gets sun. Over the past two years, I've let the old-fashioned rose, mint, thyme, and strawberries duke it out. Thus far, the mint and strawberries are winning. (I may have to intervene to save the thyme. And this is the thyme that overran the oregano a couple years ago.) I've removed the broccoli and tomatoes and beans to defensible containers.

[thefourthvine]

For the sake of your loved ones, put on armor and pick the zucchini as soon as you see them. (If you wait a day, it may be too late.)

I have been picking them when they are TINY, smaller than my hand, but just to see, I let one go an extra day. It went from tiny to several inches longer than my hand overnight. Now every time I go out there, I warily shift aside the zucchini leaves many many times, because I am afraid one might get lost under there, and then obviously it would eat us.

Thus far, the mint and strawberries are winning.

I hear scary things about mint. This, of course, makes me want to grow it; I figure if it's something other gardeners can't kill even when they try, it might have a chance in my hands.

[sherrold]

I read this whole thing to my partner who nearly feel off the couch laughing, and she asked me to ask: where are you gardening? (feel free to give a general enough answer that I will find it hard to stalk you in the future). Around here, we beg and pray that we'll get enough tomatoes to make it worth all the crazy efforts that we put into them...

[thefourthvine]

Long Beach, California (stalk me at will!), which is, according to a zip code search I used, in Zone 10. Here's what that means: no one is writing gardening books for us. Seriously. I have a gardening book that carefully covers all the zones, providing you live somewhere between Zones 3 and 9. I tried searching online for a list of plants that would do well in my area, and could only find an article from someone saying "if I lived in Zone 10, I would live off the land," which proves she's never been here (seriously, lady, if you knew what the land costs around here, you would not say that), and noting that we can't grow apples. Which seems to imply that we can grow anything else, but I know, from my gardening book, that loads of plants are only hardy up to zone 9.

But - you're in Seattle, right? Is it really that much harder to grow things there? You have loads of water, falling free from the sky, and a mild climate, so - I am surprised it would be hard. (I mean, of course it would be hard for me, but you two sound like actual gardeners.) What sort of crazy efforts do you put in? I am curious! I might need to help the tomatoes pull ahead in the Zucchini-Tomato War (although so far they are doing awfully well; they've eaten one of the four zucchini plants I've planted, and claimed a great deal of vertical territory).

[clavicular]

We sow the seed, nature grows the seed, we eat the seed.

What about radical magazines? What about Kicker boots?! Can we grow them? No, we can’t, can we?! They beauty of your plan seems to rest on everyone being really into seeds.

(Uh, I appologise if this was not actually a Young Ones reference...)

[deepbluemermaid.livejournal.com]

I come from a family of obsessive gardeners, but I myself managed to kill a cactus once (actually, two: one fell to its death from a second-storey window, the other dried out and died). So I stay well clear of my parents' garden, for the good of all concerned!

I just wanted to give you kudos for using Neil's immortal line from The Young Ones: "We sow the seed, nature grows the seed, we eat the seed". I love that show so much...

[bluevsgrey.livejournal.com]

I haven't attempted to grow anything to eat but my boyfriend got an aloe plant earlier this month then promptly went out of town and I totally forgot about it until earlier this week where I sat it outside to get some sun. Since it rained I didn't water it and I am very proud to report it isn't dead yet(mostly of it's own accord)! I expect it might last to August, but if it is still alive in September I will be shocked.

[sallymn.livejournal.com]

I have managed to accidentally ivy, genraniums and and aloe vera, which I was confidently told my The Horticulturally Experienced is impossible in all three cases without using a flamethrower...

The only things I am able to grow are pelargoniums and sourgrass. Both of which are actually quite pretty, but the former is scarely useful and the latter... gets laughed at :(

[thepouncer.livejournal.com]

You could check out this Wired article (http://www.wired.com/magazine/2010/05/ff_domestic_terraforming/all/1) and learn how to make even more green things grow?

[ashkitty.livejournal.com]

Oh, zucchini are terrifying! They go EVERYWHERE!

[prettyshiny.livejournal.com]

*laughs*

I was telling my better half about your garden horrors, and it turns out he knows a lot about veggie gardens (learn something new every day). He says:

1. You planted the pumpkin and zucchini early, so they're going to grow like crazy until their usual fruiting season (?), usually in the fall. He's not sure if trying to trim it before they actually bear fruit will have a hydra effect or not, though.

2. Tomatoes grow best when you keep the plant trimmed short. Of course, in this case, they're fighting the zucchini for light so... who knows?

3. Stop letting the earthling trade cows for magic beans. It never goes the same as in the stories.

[minim_calibre]

>I missed the notation on the zucchini label that said "evil, carnivorous, mutant variety, bred by mad scientists to meet your world domination needs."

Yeah, there's really not a variety that's not like that. Even my supposedly tame "bush" variety that I grow here turns into a monster at some point. Par for the course with the things.