thefourthvine | Slashy Nominations 62: It Is Better to Be Thought Perverse Than Insincere

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Slashy Nominations 62: It Is Better to Be Thought Perverse Than Insincere

Kink is one of those mysterious things that is defined differently by each person. Person A may believe that spanking is the very essence of the perverse, while Person B believes that spanking is an essential component of any sexual act more involved than hugging. (Real problems can occur when Person A and Person B get into bed together.) That makes it tough to put together a set of kinky fan fiction, especially since my own personal definition of kink is - well, let's just say potentially quite different from other people's. So I've composed this set from stories defined as kinky by their authors, or by a third party - in other words, I filed it under "kink" if someone posted it or linked to it with a kink warning label.

Read on. Because, really, can't we all use more kink in our lives?

Best FF That Leaves Me Seriously Confused about Its Title: Vibe, by

shayheyred. Due South, Ray Kowalski/OMC, Ray Kowalski/Stella. Yes, I can hear the horrified gasps of the RayK/Fraser fans even now. Look, read it, OK? It's set way back in time, and it's all about the interesting effect Steve McQueen had on Ray. (Was Steve McQueen that popular back in the day, or is it just that Ray mentions McQueen at some point in the canon? Because I could actually do a whole noms set just on stories involving Ray Kowalski and Steve McQueen.) And it's light, and more or less cheery, and short, so even K/F 'shippers should be able to read this with ease. But if you can't, yes, there will be an alternate story at the end. I'm not sure of the title because of the way this was posted to

ds_flashfiction; it could also be called "Kink," or in fact "Ray Gets Down With Harley." Clarification would be appreciated.

Best FF That Almost Made Me Like Women's Shoes, Even Though I Hate All Shoes with a Great and Lasting Passion, and Actually Made Me Vaguely Wish My Best Beloved Would Give Me a Gift of Shoes, Even Though Normally I Would Take That As a Grave Insult: Not Kinky, Per Se, by Caroline Baker, aka

linabean. Sports Night, Danny Rydell/Casey McCall. So. Danny has an interest in women's shoes, which Caroline Baker claims is canon (and you know what? I believe her, because it fits right in with everything else that's canon), and Casey has a tie kink, which I bet makes his career choice both obvious and difficult. (Although at least he has the desk in front of him in case of major, um, lapses while on air.) Clearly these guys were meant to be together, and I don't want to hear any argument on that score - they even have complementary kinks. In this story, Casey is getting his apartment redone, and Danny has some interesting commentary on previous times Casey has stayed with him, and, well, it's the happy kind of SN fic. Do you need to know more?

Best FF Containing the Phrase "Fuck Pig," Which Phrase Is Actually Probably Banned by Several Proposed Laws Currently Undergoing Congressional Scrutiny: Throwback, by Valentin, and if she has a LJ, I would love to hear about it. The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. It isn't as though I would want a law banning the phrase "fuck pig" to pass. I'd think there was something seriously wrong with the Senators and Representatives from my state if they supported such legislation. But there's also this: the one time someone used the phrase on me during sex (yes, really), I fell out of bed laughing. (Well, it was one of those narrow college dorm room beds; any abrupt movement led inevitably to the floor. And bruising.) So I view "fuck pig" as an essentially unsexy and humorous phrase. Somehow, thought, this story manages to transcend the use of both "fuck pig" and "piggy," which is impressive enough that it would deserve a nomination even if the rest of it sucked, which it does not. Be aware, though, that if you have serious problems with non-con, the first part of this could be unpleasant for you. (If it bothers you, scan to the end. I think you'll feel better.) You know what? I'm going to throw in an alternate story for this one, too, so people who don't want to read a vaguely non-connish story involving fuck pigs don't have to. (Though, really, I don't think you'll be sorry if you do.)

Best FF That Suggests a Fascinating Alternative to All Those Team-Building Management Seminars: Wally West and the Crack of Doom, by Sarah T., aka

harriet_spy. Justice League, I think, though the DCU would be much easier for dilettante fans if they didn't use the same characters over and over, just at different formative periods in their lives, in every damn series. Flash/Superman, Flash/Batman. (He needs only one more *man superhero to qualify for a set of steak knives! I suggest Spiderman, though other people may not agree.) The odd part is that Sarah says this is canon, and if that's true, I can only think that slashers have taken over the asylum. Which would actually explain a lot of the recent output of both DC and Marvel. (See, for example, The Proof of Rictor and Shatterstar's Love, especially this scan, although every scan is worth viewing. Thanks,

greenet!) The kink in question - yes, I'm back to talking about the story - is spanking. If you don't like spanking, you should read this anyway, because it's hysterical.

-Alternate Stories-

Best FF That Could Be Used As a Recruiting Tool for the U.S. Army. In Certain Populations.: Thought About the Army, by Kass, aka

kassrachel. The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. I recommended "Throwback" instead of this one because they're both good, and I assume everyone's already read this one. (If you haven't, why haven't you? And you call yourself a slash fan. Read all of Kass's stuff immediately.) For some reason, TS writers seem to assume that the natural progression of Jim and Blair's relationship is: friends, UST, RST, eternal commitment, BDSM. (Not that I'm arguing - hey, I'm all for the BDSM, and it certainly does enliven long-term relationships, but why does everyone conclude that Jim will go from lusting after Blair to fucking Blair to handcuffing him to a light fixture?) Here we have a perfect example of true excellence in a long-term relationship. Jim has a sexual need. With prompting, he communicates it to Blair. Blair meets said need enthusiastically. And with silk neckties. (Well, I mean, what other use would Blair have for a necktie?) I'm not saying bondage is necessary for a long-term relationship, mind you. But it certainly adds to the fun. (NOTE: Apparently my brain was not functioning when I selected this alternate; it actually has more non-con in it than "Throwback." I'm picking a second alternate, which will be TS and certified non-con free. See below.)

Best FF That Could Be Used As a Recruiting Tool for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. In Certain Populations.: Look, Officer, I Can Explain Everything..., by

cmshaw. Due South, Ray Kowalski/Some Confusion, Ray Kowalski/Benton Fraser. This one is the alternate for all those folks who gag when they see a pairing that isn't RayK/Fraser. The first part of this story made me laugh so hard that I had to take a break before I could read the second and third parts. (I had a stitch in my side, and my dogs were regarding me with real worry.) Plus, it really changed my impression of marmalade, which I've always considered a cruel and unusual thing to do to citrus fruits, but I now view as something you'd want to have on hand in case a Mountie ever dropped by. To sum: this story has humor, a frightening look at Thatcher's sex life, an amusing look at Fraser's fantasy life, kink, and marmalade. Really, what are you waiting for?

-Addendum-

Best FF That Clearly Delineates the Difference Between Fantasy and Reality, Thus Getting My Butt off the Hook. So to Speak.: A Night of It, by Anna S., aka

eliade. The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. And this is the last TS story I'm recommending in this post, even if it suddenly spawns a non-con situation. This is another classic, another great story, another long-time fic, another bondage story, distinguished by the total lack of the slightest hint of non-consensual sex, except in fantasy, and I think it's pretty clear from the start that it is only fantasy. So we should all thank Anna S. for coming up with a story that I could recommend without feeling lingering guilt about consent issues, and we should all be very grateful that there's such a wealth of excellent BDSM stories in this fandom. I know I am. I also know I'm that I'm done with this post. Hell, I may be done with kink. Recs can sure be hard on the recommender's sex life.

So - to all a good night, totally free of kink, unless of course you're wanting kink, in which case, go you.

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From "Eclipse", the second episode of Due South featuring Ray Kowalski:

Ray: Yes, I think. Look, I'm not Ray. I mean, I am Ray, but I'm not Ray Vecchio. I'm... Kowalski. Stanley Raymond Kowalski.
Fraser: Your name is Stanley Kowalski?
Ray: Look, my Dad had a thing for Brando. Me, it was always Steve McQueen. So I go by Ray.

Ah-ha. Thank you. I feel much better now, knowing that Ray's Steve McQueen thing is canon. Although - having a thing for Marlon Brando? I get that Ray's parents would need to have some kind of weird thing going to name him what they did, but I always kind of assumed it was Tennessee Williams. Marlon Brando? Not to speak ill of the dead, but ew.

Although, really, Steve McQueen isn't much better.

Well, it makes sense, I guess. His dad's more likely to have seen the film than read the play. And, y'know, back in his Stanley Kowalski days, Brando was a hottie. He was playing a drunk who beat his wife, from what I remember, but, hey! Hot!

But mostly, hey, Mr. Kowalski, wtf?

I refuse to believe that Brando was ever a hottie. Yes, I know, more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, but there are some things that are flat impossible, and a hot Marlon Brando is at least three of them.

Ew.

But I do see that his father was more likely to have seen the film, although I myself would not want my kid to emulate that Stanley Kowalski. Not exactly a happy, confident guy. And then there's the whole abusive drunk thing.

Maybe Ray's father was blinded by the Brando hotness, if hotness there was.

*reluctantly adds "Streetcar" to list of movies to see, even though the play was hardly a joyous experience, all told*

Well, hell, I haven't seen the movie. If you've read the play, you're ahead of me there. But, look (http://images.google.com/images?q=%22stanley+kowalski%22&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&start=20&sa=N)!

Third row - those juxtaposed pics of Brando and Callum in their tight t-shirts. C'mon. Isn't the guy on the left just a little bit of a hottie?

You know, I look at pictures like that and I understand that I am a fundamentally flawed human being. I'm supposed to be thinking about his manly, tortured, moody beauty, and instead I'm thinking that he should've taken the machine off the 'hot' setting before he washed that t-shirt.

But the really alarming thing about that link is the picture in the top row, the hockey one. Apparently there really are two people out there cruel enough to name a child Stanley Kowalski. It should be, like, a test you have to pass before you're allowed to spawn: Is it a good idea to name your child after a famously disturbed fictional character? If you answer yes, you have to turn in your reproductive organs before you leave.

I think Ray's dad was more into the working class hero persona of Brando...Damian Kowalski doesn't strike me as someone who'd be into Brando's hotness...

however...

Brando *was* hot. Take it from someone who's old enough to remember.

And hey, look, naval uniform!

q_skud_'s motto: any boat, any naval officer, anywhere. Um. I hope that's not, you know, rude or anything; I only mean you'll slash them. And, hey, I really admire that in a person.

Hey! Maybe naval slash is what I need to get the Marlon Mystique. What movie is he in here?

Hrm, I don't think that's *quite* true. It has to be Age of Sail (i.e. pre-mid-19th-century or thereabouts), so far, for me to be into it. But I shall take it as a compliment, anyway.

That movie is "Mutiny on the Bounty" which is set in the late 18th century. Christian Fletcher (the best known mutineer and friend of Bligh's) is really quite slashable, actually.

What, you mean there are ships that aren't from the age of sail?

Oh. Like now. Yeah, I'd forgotten about that.

(My head can also be turned by a large press of canvas. If you see what I'm saying.)

Hell, my father was deeply impressed by the working class hero persona of Brando. (He loves Rocky, too.)

I suppose I should be grateful they didn't name me Marla, or...is there even a feminine version of Stanley? Stania? Stanna?

I will just have to trust you on the whole hotness thing.

The Steve McQueen thing is canon, I'm pretty sure. He told Fraser his real name and there was a whole thing about how his parents really liked Marlon Brando, to which he added that he always preferred Steve McQueen himself.

See above. And my thanks, because I've always wondered why McQueen shows up so much in dS FF - I mean, surely there were other movie stars Ray could've fixated on. Better ones, perhaps, although maybe I'm just not getting the McQueen Mystique.

But, wow. Naming your kid after a character your movie star hero played? Got to count as cruelty of some sort. I had been sort of hoping that they didn't know about "Streetcar" when they named him; otherwise, it'd be like naming your kid Koala or Lexus or something.

Again, my thanks.

*ponders renting some Steve McQueen movies*

Let me recommend The Magnificient Seven. And maybe Bullitt. It may be a bit dorky in some parts (the hospital scene, wtf) but it's still pretty cool. And the third and last McQueen film I've seen was The Towering Inferno which I liked because I have this thing for ridiculous disaster movies.

*adds The Magnificent Seven to the list of movies to see*

*heads over to the IMDb*

*gazes in horror at the plot summary*

*hesitantly adds Bullitt to the list as well*

*thinks unprintable thoughts about Steve McQueen*

No, really, thanks for the suggestions. I'll watch The Magnificent Seven and Bullitt. (I mean, apart from anything else, I've already seen Shichinin No Samurai; I had no idea it had been remade, and it will be fascinating to see what Hollywood did with it.) But The Towering Inferno is right out. Ever since Titanic, which took roughly as long as a presidential term and yet was somehow less enjoyable, disaster movies have made me break out in hives.

So, I saw the Kurosawa after the remake: "Hehehe, dude, this kinda like The Magnificient Seven only with more rice and funny hats-- oh."

Actually, you know, "more rice and funny hats" is going to be my new motto. It's what every fandom needs! It's what everyone needs! More rice! Funny hats! Well, maybe it's just me.

(I saw the Kurosawa thanks to a high school teacher who thought it was criminal, absolutely criminal that people could make it all the way to 15 without seeing a Kurosawa. Or hearing everything Mozart ever wrote, not that that is relevant to this discussion.)

In an episode of Sports Night where they all have to go to an awards show, Dan asks Dana what shoes she's wearing, and identifies the designer (Manolo Blahnik) from her decription, thereby showing that he's noticed the shoes before and knows quite a bit more than most men about women's footwear.

Huh. Dan the shoe man. I think I like it, although I'm sort of depressed that he knows more about women, and about the things women are supposed to know, than I do.

They'll probably take away my Girl License. I mean, I've been on probation ever since I admitted that I didn't know when to use mousse and when to use gel (and we won't even talk about the makeup thing); this whole shoe thing will definitely be the end of me, at least in the sense of being an acknowledged, licensed girl.

I don't read Cosmo, either. I am so doomed.

*gloomily contemplates a future as a neuter*

*wonders what bathroom neuters are supposed to use*

*wonders if there's a government assistance program for those newly declared neuter*

*wonders if there's a pronoun for those newly declared neuter*

*decides, in the great tradition of coping with difficult thoughts, not to think about it any more*

I wrote a whole big rantish LJ post once about how fandom was, for me, like finding out I wasn't the freakiest female EVER for not caring what my shade of lipstick was saying about me. That it was OKAY to be a girl and not wear makeup or high heels.

Two nights ago, someone told me I'd make a good drag queen (and in the context of the conversation, it was a compliment, don't worry) and I said I could manage the attitude, but not the trappings -- I'm so low maintenance it's scary.

And you were just joking anyway, and I'm going to shut up now. Sorry, hot button.

No, I wasn't joking. I'm not good at being a girl. I'd be even worse at being a guy, and I'm pleased with the gender identity as a whole, but - I don't get fashion. I don't get makeup. I don't enjoy shopping or discussing feelings. I don't know how to decorate my home or how to coordinate colors or how to identify tasteful tchotchke. I can't walk in high heels. I can't put my hair up in that dressy, sexy way other women can. I read science fiction! I hate romance novels! I've never seen a talk show! I don't even like celebrating anniversaries!

Oh my god. Dan Rydell is more of a girl than I am.

My sister is all into women's magazines, and I used to read them, before I learned not to, with this horrible sense of dislocation - am I really supposed to think about these things? Do these things? Want these things? I've always known that I was weird, but it's depressing to think that I just don't know how to be a girl, which should technically be something I got along with my chromosomes.

Excuse me while I have a serious identity crisis.

A link to that LJ entry would probably be helpful and supportive right now. Is there a club or something for females who aren't good at being girls?

I think you're in it already- it's called fandom. *g* Although there are some fans who are, the lovely thing about fandom is that *nobody gives a damn* if you know how to use product in your hair or apply eye makeup.

And don't worry. Dan Rydell is more of a girl than most girls. I wouldn't be able to identify designer shoes if my life depended on it.

Testify! Which is to say, me neither! Although, I can walk in heels, but I wear them so rarely it's more a kink thing than a girly thing.

Finally gave in and got a non-Supercuts haircut recently, in the course of which I said, look, I'm not opposed to product, I know perfectly well my hair is a mess, but I'm a complete naif in the world of hair care. He told me what to do ("get this product, work it in like this, then leave it alone") and I follow it exactly and do nothing else.

It's not so much that we're not out there, there just doesn't seem to be a good concentration of us. Maybe we could have conventions -- "SEE - other women who don't wear makeup! Women in sensible shoes! Untamed hair!"

(Just got the email today! Wasn't ignoring you!)

Is there a club or something for females who aren't good at being girls?

Um, yeah. Fandom. *g*

Seriously, I spent way too long feeling inadequate in my non-girliness (but I can build things! With wood!) until I just said "fuck it" and started enjoying myself. The hardest aspect was the backwoods attitude around here -- people still don't understand that women aren't all from Stepford.

I'll try to find that post, it's hidden in the archive somewhere.

In answer to your question, the story was called "Kink" but due to a posting error, my silly punning subject line ended up as the title. Actually, originally it was called "Vibe," which I like the best of all. ::shakes head in confusion::
In any case, thanks for the rec!

Actually, I like "Vibe" best, too. Can I change it to that in my post?

Sure!

"Dammit, Fraser, this isn't about the kink. I like the kink, okay? Kink is good. Kink floats my boat here."

::dies::

I admit I don't know the canon, but that line always sounds so Ray to me.

*attempts to revive

vamplover84*

C'mon, now. If you die, you'll miss a lot of good slash.

(And don't forget to tell

cmshaw that you liked the story! Assuming you, you know, survive it and all.)

Why, yes, spankbots *are* canon. (http://www.livejournal.com/community/scans_daily/89637.html) I'm not sure how *slashy* that example is... (Because maybe they used it all up on the Pink Kryptonite?) but, yeah.

Spankbots.

Pink Kryptonite.

Robin.

Christ, I love the DCU.

(I bet the comic book that scan came from induced a lasting kink in many, many males of that generation. Jeez.)

Okay, the "Not Kinky" Sports Night story just about killed me dead with the oddly sweet, awkward, happy hotness. I'm loving all of your recs--it's a happy day whenever you pop up in my friends page with another post. The letter-themed post and the drunk boys post also yielded some new favorites for me. Thanks so much for sharing the ficcy goodness, and in such an entertaining format, too!

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Slashy Nominations 62: It Is Better to Be Thought Perverse Than Insincere

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Dan and shoes

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re "Look Officer..."

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