223: Shit Gets Real

[thefourthvine]

I am allergic to celebrities. I just - they bother me. I feel like the basic social contract, as far as celebrities are concerned, is that we pay them a lot of money and in return they spend all their time far away and we (or, okay, I) can pretend they don't really exist. (True fact: when people on my friends list post excitedly about meeting their favorite celebrities, I am happy for them, but I, uh, have to hit the back button very speedily. Because ew, celebrities.)

You might think that this would be a problem, given that I live in a place that has a mildly elevated celebrity density, but this is where my inability to recognize faces pays off; I could watch three back-to-back movies starring someone and then get trapped in an elevator with him for four hours, and when I came out I would say, "You know, he sounded familiar. I think my sister might know him." (The real problem comes about when I am walking around with people and they say - quietly and without pointing, of course, because they are Angelenos, but why even bring it up? - "Oh, hey! It's -" whoever. I do not want to know. If you're ever walking around with me and you see Jeremy Piven or Arnold Schwarzenegger or Jennifer Anniston or Mary Louise Parker, just do not tell me. I will be happy, and you will be happy, and presumably whoever it is will be happy, too. Unless it's Arnold Schwarzenegger, who even I could tell looked incredibly grouchy every time I was with someone who pointed him out.)

So my celebrity allergy was absolutely fine for the longest time. I had the disease and the cure! And then I got into fan fiction, and - and it was no longer fine. Because the celebrity allergy gave me an RPF squick, and that meant there were a lot of stories I yearned to read and could not.

But it wasn't like, say, my animal harm squick, which when triggered leaves me so upset that I once cried on the phone to a telemarketer because of a story I'd been reading. (She hung up.) It just makes me geechy, in the same way that actual celebrities make me geechy. I can deal with being geechy in a good cause. So each time a new RPF fandom came out, I would read a story in it, one that was highly recommended, and each time I would have hope in my heart. Because maybe - maybe the fact that I've never seen American Idol will mean I can read this! (Nope.) Maybe the fact that I can only name about three total bandom guys will mean I can read this! (Nope.) It was always immensely disappointing; there's no feeling quite like reading a story you know is good, that you want to love, except you can't because your skin is filing for divorce from your body.

Still. I persevered. I discovered some fandoms in which I could dabble! (Mythbusters, for example. They're real people, but my brain doesn't consider them celebrities, so I can deal. Also anything featuring people from, like, WWII or before; my brain doesn't consider them real.) And then recently, magically, I followed some links that dine posted, and I found that I can read hockey RPF. I have no idea if it's because I don't consider the players celebrities or because I don't consider them real people, but I don't care. RPF! That I can read! I have hope that I can, at long long last, break this thing. Maybe this time next year I will be able to read bandom and popslash and LotRiPS and J2 and AI and all the other fan fiction I have missed over the years! There will be celebrating then, let me tell you.

In the meantime, as kind of a precursor celebration, a recs set that has been seven years in the making: an all RPF set.

The One That Proves That There's No Soap Opera Like a Hockey Soap Opera. My Siberia: A Russian Knitting Circle Story, by impertinence. Hockey RPF, Sidney Crosby/Geno Malkin.
Here is a list of the things I've learned while reading hockey RPF (note: may possibly not apply to actual hockey):

1. The Blackhawks are by far the gayest team in the NHL.
   
2. Sidney Crosby is a hockey-playing robot.
   
3. No one pines like a Russian hockey player. Entire strands of virgin forest (sorry; in my defense, uncut sounded even worse) only wish they could pine that hard.

And then I picked the story that exemplified 66% of these things. (I do have many Blackhawks recs, but the Gay Little Team That Could (Totally Blow Each Other) is going to have to wait its turn. It's fine; the players have lots to get up to in the meantime. )

So, yes, I went with the Pining for the Robot story. This is a good trope for me. No, this is a great trope for me. I have a lot of love for a certain type of character - the person who is incredibly good at something, or even a lot of somethings, who manages to be a decent person while somehow sucking at being, you know, human. (Yes, fine, my ideal character is Spock. This cannot be a surprise to anyone.) In other words: a robot. (Or, okay, to be clear, a person-type character a lot of other characters are going to call a robot. Or an alien.) And in this trope, I can see some other character appreciating the robot as much as I do. Awesome.

And this is where hockey RPF is good to me, because it turns out Sidney Crosby is an ideal robot. He's a brilliant hockey player with roughly the same skill at being human as an actual alien. (Sadly, there is no story in which Crosby actually is an alien, and the concussion is really a symptom of him going into heat. You can't have everything, I guess.)

Geno Malkin, meanwhile, is a pining hockey-playing Russian, or perhaps the pining hockey-playing Russian. Judging by the fan fiction I've read, he raises the league's pining average at least four full percentage points, and should probably get bonuses in his contract.

So, basically, this story is the perfect introduction to hockey RPF fandom. Geno pines! Sidney is bad at life! Geno pines! Sidney comes up with a terrible plan! Sex and pining! Dating and pining! And then joyful resolution and pining no more. Plus it's really funny. And you don't need to know anything about the characters, or indeed about hockey. Go read this already.

The One That Makes Raymond Carver Sexy. For Reals. A Passage That Sings, by dorkorific. Star Trek Reboot RPF, Chris Pine/Zachary Quinto.

Okay, this one is frostfire_17's fault. We were chatting about Martha Gellhorn, as you do, and we basically had this conversation:

Frost: Can I quote something at you? It will totally squick you, but you need to read it anyway.
Me, forgetting that like 90% of things that are weird in my life start exactly this way: Sure.
Frost: [pastes in a chunk of this very story, featuring MARTHA GELLHORN]
Me: Oh, god. That's - that's - look, just give me the link.

Because, I mean, yes, this one does trigger my celebrity squick like you would not even believe, and I don't care. For dialogue like this, I will read - um. I will read Chris Pine/Zachary Quinto, apparently, squick be damned. And, seriously, it is a fantastic story. Nothing is ever going to make me forgive Ernest Hemingway - even Martha Gellhorn herself couldn't do it - but this came close. (Dear middle school teachers: Don't assign the Ernest to your preteen students. No, don't. Look, I have heard every one of your excuses, and I declare them all null and void. The only valid reason to assign Hemingway to middle school students is to produce a new generation of Hemingway haters.)

So, yes, I love this story, even if it did give me horrible visions of Chris Pine in 20 years, doing beat poetry type readings a la William Shatner, but with additional lecturing on actual beat poets. I - I am not going to recover from that mental image in a hurry.

And, okay, I realize I've made this story sound kind of like its title should be Your College English Classes, Except with Hot Guys Banging. But that's not all it is! There's - pining! (You wouldn't even believe how hard I'm resisting the urge to make a Chris Pining joke here. And failing. I have no willpower.) And Zachary Quinto being kind of a hot mess! And humor! And - and, actually, you would totally read a story called Your College English Classes, Except with Hot Guys Banging, so don't even look at me that way. Just read this.

The One That Proves That Sexual Flexibility Really Is the Key to a Better Life. The Pinocchio Fallacy, by toft. Mythbusters RPF, Jamie Hyneman/Adam Savage, Kari Byron/Grant Imahara.

I cleverly separated this one from the first one because, um. I thought I could probably pack enough words in between these two stories for you to miss that I recommended a Pining for the Robot story followed by an actual robot story. I - like robots, okay? I feel a certain bond.

And this is an awesome robot story. I just - this is, like, gently steeped in the Asimov robot tradition, but then with a thousand tons of amazingness added in. I just. I love everything about this so much. And I want you to read it, which I realize is - well, look. I know that those of you who have not already read this story are thinking one of two things:

1. ADAM from MYTHBUSTERS as a SEXBOT? Okay, that's it, the internet is over. Let's all go learn croquet now.
   
2. Who from what now?

And you've probably already stopped reading this as a result. But if you're still here, no! This story is for you! (Unless you are bothered by robots, in which case you are allowed to pass on by, but for the record robots are the best.) (Also I think I should note here that - okay, for a couple of you, this story summary is going to feel like a slap in the face. I hear you, I was there, too, and it worked out fine for me. If you feel like you've been punched but you still want to read it, email me. I'll go into how it worked for me.)

Anyway. All that said, what this story is really about is what it means to be human, and what it means to be not human. It has a message, even! And also it has robot messageboards, and Kari Byron fighting for robot freedom, and Tory the Tool of the Man, which I frankly always kind of thought he was, and just general wonderfulness. Plus, you know, the best sexbot characterization I have ever read, and see, that right there is why fandom is awesome, because I never dreamed I'd have a chance to write that sentence. The fact that I did is clear proof that you should go read the story that inspired it. NO REALLY I MEAN IT.

The One That Proves That There's No Morning After Like the Morning After Elfland. Force Majeure, by astolat. American History RPF, Alexander Hamilton/George Washington.

Okay, so, this is the rare story in our household that caused a squick that wasn't mine. It turns out Best Beloved, who does not really have any textual squicks to speak of, found one as soon as she looked at this story's information a day or two after Yuletide.

"Washington," she said. "I - don't know. I'm not sure I can do that. Just. Washington."

I am here to tell you that if the idea of George Washington slash is squicking you out (BEST BELOVED), you should absolutely make every effort to get over it, because this story has magic and elfland, and also a narrative voice that will absolutely make you long for the complete history of this universe. Like, I would even read about the Civil War and the Reconstruction in this universe, and given that the worst history teacher in the world worked extra hard to make sure I would stab myself in the foot rather than hear the word "carpetbagger" one more time, even decades after the class, that is saying something. Mostly that this universe is great. (Also that apparently sufficiently good fiction can make up for an entire year's worth of educational trauma.)

And, okay, for reasons that are possibly obvious, early American history is not my strong point (same teacher, although fortunately we spent a lot less time on it, albeit still enough to guarantee that I fulfilled all my history requirements in college with classes featuring the initials BC), but I love the references in here to both our actual universe and - historical mythology? Whatever. Basically, I'm saying I love the cherry tree and everything it stands for.

And if this story has given me an appetite for founders slash, I'm sure that will pass in time. (Just - think! All nations! All founders! Ideally with magic or dragons or giant talking birds! Okay, maybe that's just me. At least I didn't suggest national founders and robots. Although that's mostly because I've already been to the Hall of Presidents.)

Comments

[torachan]

I don't have any weird feelings about celebs, but I just don't care about them and don't understand why, even if it's a celeb who is really good looking and seems like a nice person based on what I've seen of them, I would ever want to meet them. Especially like, stand in line (and pay money!) to get an autograph or shake their hand. Why??? So, I am baffled by most of my fellow fans.

I don't know if it's my indifference to celebs or just general not-paying-attentionitis, but I have lived in LA for 35 years now and I think I've seen maybe five celebs. (Part of it is definitely that I rarely go to places rich people go.)

Anyway! Does it bother you to read RPF even when it's an AU and not about them being actors or musicians? Like, if someone gave you the story and didn't tell you first that it was RPF and you thought it was original characters and enjoyed it, it would become weird to you to find out that the names were the same as celebs? I don't like RPF about celebs as celebs, because I have issues re: rich people, and also bafflement because I don't understand the appeal of the whole "lifestyles of the rich and famous" thing, but I've read a lot of good RPF AUs.

[thefourthvine]

I don't know if it's my indifference to celebs or just general not-paying-attentionitis, but I have lived in LA for 35 years now and I think I've seen maybe five celebs.

I used to work in a job that involved celebrities. And BB used to work in Malibu. (True fact: one of her employees spent a year pursuing a celebrity on her lunch hour.) And also I used to go hang with a friend who worked right near the dance studio where allllll the stars take their kids. As a result, celebrities have been sort of unavoidable at certain points in my life, and I have seen - well, a lot more than five, although I obviously couldn't testify to that in court. I AM FINE AS LONG AS I DON'T KNOW THEY'RE THERE. JUST DON'T TELL ME.

Does it bother you to read RPF even when it's an AU and not about them being actors or musicians?

Mostly yes. BUT. If you have some stand-out recs for long RPF AUs, I would love to have them, because obviously that is the next step (after Hockey RPF; THANK YOU, big gay stick-handlers!) to conquering my RPF squick.

[roga]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you are reading rpf oh my god I AM EXCITE.

[ainsley]

Also anything featuring people from, like, WWII or before; my brain doesn't consider them real.

Aha! You are brilliant. I have a similar RPF squick, and I think you just explained why my brain doesn't process it the same way as, say, Neil Patrick Harris from the annals of TFV recs sets past.

I will give a couple of these stories a try! <3

[spatz]

Although bandom completely destroyed my RPF squick, your tale is a perfect encapsulation of having a squick that everyone else loves: all "I keep trying it, and it never works, but all these awesome writers are taunting me with things I cannot read and somehow I feel bizarrely like I've let down Team Have All The Kinks." Except more hilarious, as you do.

Now I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon reading about English Lit and sexbots. Yay, fandom!

[thefourthvine]

ME TOO. Please let this be the beginning of the end of the squick! PLEASE OH PLEASE.

[thefourthvine]

See, Neil Patrick Harris isn't real - he's a movie character! I saw him! In that movie! And, okay, granted, he was playing himself, but my brain is a squirrelly beast and knows no logic.

But I fistbump you, my fellow sufferer. This is a crappy squick to have. GO AWAY, FAMOUS PEOPLE. Or at least - be less real?

[thefourthvine]

your tale is a perfect encapsulation of having a squick that everyone else loves: all "I keep trying it, and it never works

YES EXACTLY IT IS SO TRYING. Why must we have squicks? I am pretty sure I'd be happier without them!

Now I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon reading about English Lit and sexbots. Yay, fandom!

Do not neglect the hockey players or the US president, either. Seriously SO AWESOME. All of these.

[killing_rose]

You have recs for more Hockey Player fic? Because I read that fic. It languished on my Kindle for months, as I wandered off to Once Upon a Time fic and Yuletide, finished one night in a frenzy of "must read all the fic". And once I finished it, I said, "I want more!"

...Only I couldn't get into any of the other long!hockey fic that was on my Kindle.

[roga]

YES. YES. OH, THE FICS I COULD REC YOU. I had a squick once too, you know. I'm all teary with joy.

[thefourthvine]

SO MANY RECS OMG. It's a small fandom, but disproportionately full of good writers, and they apparently love the tropes more than Sidney loves hockey, so. LOTS OF RECS, is what I'm saying.

[paxpinnae]

Man, what is it with hockey RPF suddenly blowing up my friends list? First I learned figure skating because of Johnny Weir and Evan Lysacek, and now I need to learn another sport on ice? I mean, I'm not complaining, because I get to read fic and claim it's educational, but it'd be nice if fandom could decide that baseball was where it's at. Opening Day is only three months away!

Also, Okay, that's it, the internet is over. Let's all go learn croquet now. made me laugh so hard I scared the cat, and I'm not entirely sure why. I mean, it's no secret that the English language is your bitch, but that phrase. I want it on t-shirts and icons and possibly skywritten over San Diego during Comic Con. There is an irrational amount of love there, is what I'm saying.

[roga]

...it occurs to me now that this sounds like I'm making light of your squick, but mine was definitely never as bad as what you described in your post so me getting over it =/= you getting over it. It's hard! Take your time. I'm just happy you're getting there :D

The first RPF fics I read (you know, discounting historic RPF which is... its own category) were scrunchy's old pundit round table fics, because I had read all of her SGA fics and all of her Sports Night fics, and this was all that was left if I wanted to keep reading her stuff! And it was just these super cute gen stories about Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert hanging out and they could barely even be considered real people at all, and I didn't even know the other two dudes they hung out with (Anderson Cooper and Keith Olberman) so it was like half fiction anyway, and stories like "five times they celebrated Stephen's birthday" were so cute and funny and harmless! And so it started.

[risha]

I think that most RPF people have great sympathy for your squick, and indeed, many may have had the same problem at one time. I have at least one woman on my friends list that has said that she won't so much as watch interviews of bandom people, because if she did, they'd become real people and she'd never be able to write them ever again.

It took me months of full (fandom-)time RPF to get over the occasional squick relapse. Even now, years later, breaking the fourth wall can make me cringe. And I absolutely can't read anything with Grant Morrison in it (though I'm fine with Korse, the character he plays in My Chemical Romance videos). Why? No clue. Apparently my brain feels differently about comic books writers than it does musicians.

[sothcweden]

I completely agree about not wanting to meet celebrities. Even when I go to concerts I don't want to go to the stage door and get autographs and actually talk to them. I like celebrities to be at a distance.

I had a real revelation when I went to see Adam Lambert's Glam Nation concert the summer of 2010. Due to major money issues for many years, he was the first live act I'd seen since about 2005. What really struck me was that for many of the fans attending seemed to be about having Adam Lambert see them rather than the other way around. I had one guy (who was annoyed to be further back in the crowd) bitch that Adam hadn't come for and didn't need to see ugly old people like me and the lady next to me (I was 35 at the time), so we should move so Adam could see him and his friends. And when listening to the YouTube vid of a live performance of a haunting, soft, and single instrument/single vocalist piece, I can hear a few women screaming at the top of their lungs in the silent places, determined to be heard. Is this new? Is it the result of things like Twitter? Or has the cult of celebrity always been this way?

Also, if you can stand to see the word, have you read Carpetbaggers? It's a wonderful Narnia story.

[thefourthvine]

WORRY NOT. Because, I mean, first - it is a squick WORTH making light of. (Making light of my animal harm squick and we will HAVE WORDS, but come ON, I am creeped out by celebrities! THAT IS FUNNY.) But, also, I am always glad to hear that other people have Overcome the Squick, because it GIVES ME HOPE. Share your stories of courage! Or kink! Whichever!

And, oh, Scrunchy's PRT stories! I read those, because a) they aren't celebrities and b) at the time, I had no idea who any of them even were. And, I mean, SCRUNCHY. She writes it, I'm going to read it. In fact, one of her PRT stories was originally slated to be in this set, but sadly it was GONE and I could not find it ANYWHERE. Fortunately, I had replacements on tap.

[silver_spotted]

hockey fic \o/

I have a friend who can only read fic about hockey players not on her favourite team (the Wild) because otherwise they'd be too real. So yeah, rpf-reading is a weird thing :)

[thingswithwings]

I have read/listened to maaaaaybe 12 ST XI RPF stories, but I've read A Passage That Sings twice. :) There's a great podfic of it, too, if the idea of listening to an RPF celebrities podfic doesn't make your internal organs want to crawl out of your mouth too badly. Penny's impersonation of Chris Pine talking to a dog is so good I want to have it auditorily framed.

And yaaaaaaaaaaay for The Pinocchio Fallacy! Oh gosh I love it also. In the end I think it's much better than croquet.

[thefourthvine]

It's happening because hockey RPF is awesome, that's why. And, yes, totally educational; I have spent a LOT of time googling various hockey terms these past two weeks. (And I have learned things. Like, did you know FIGHTING IS LEGAL in hockey? I totally didn't, causing Frost to do the chat equivalent of a minute-long astonished stare. Also, they announce those fights like PORN, for serious. "He's on him! He's really going at him, yeah, they're going at it hard and fast, and he's just not ready for -" OH MY GOD PEOPLE DO YOU HEAR YOURSELVES?)

but it'd be nice if fandom could decide that baseball was where it's at

I am prepared to try to read it if fandom goes there! Although the only baseball player I can name is Babe Ruth, so. That would be a learning experience for me, too. (If baseball RPF becomes a thing, I am coming to you for answers!)

I want it on t-shirts and icons and possibly skywritten over San Diego during Comic Con. There is an irrational amount of love there, is what I'm saying.

YAY AND THANK YOU.

[thefourthvine]

Okay, so you had totally intelligent things to say about squicks, things I wanted to respond to, and then I got to the end of your comment and was like, "...Grant Morrison is in MCR videos? What - what is - I don't -" and now my brain is kind of broken.

THE STREAMS ARE CROSSING. Apparently. (Seriously? Grant Morrison is in MCR videos? SERIOUSLY?)

[roga]

Okay wait I'm curious now - what do you mean that the PRT guys aren't celebrities? That they weren't as famous back then when those stories were written (as they are today), or that even today you don't consider them to be celebs?

For me, it was pretty much PRT as my first RPF (though not RPS) experience, followed by Pine/Quinto because they had such awesome offscreen chemistry and while after watching the movie I shipped movieverse Kirk/Bones, some of my favorite authors were writing these perfect little hot/hilarious combo stories about Pine and Quinto. And then Idol via astolat, and Bandom via bexless, and so it goes :-) I found that the steps for me were: (a) getting into the fandom via excellent, well-recced stories by authors I love about characters I hardly know --> branch out into more authors and stories in the fandom, learn canon by osmosis --> start reading primers/picspams about the actul people and start enjoying the fandom through the prism of ongoing canon and real backstory (narrative), as opposed to just via fic --> finally reaching a point where I enjoy all aspects simultaneously, fanon and canon and fic and new canon and fannish conversation, all fueling one another.

BUT, I know you are not the type to be all consumed by a fandom or canon, nor do you need to be. Much like SGA et al, RPF is full of AUs -- coffeeshop AUs and priest AUs and celebrity AUs (although come to think about it, would that be a squick?) and fantasy and scifi AUs and so it goes. It is a wonderful, wonderful world out there, and Hockey sounds like a great way in :D

[thefourthvine]

That's really bizarre. I mean, okay, it turns out that without a lot of drugs I can't handle crowds and noise well enough to go to concerts (unless they are, like, orchestra concerts), so I haven't been to one since I was a teenager. My memories are kind of out of date. But - I guess maybe some people really feel like they have a connection with the celebrity? And, um. No, seriously, it's beyond me. *wavy hands*

Also, if you can stand to see the word, have you read Carpetbaggers? It's a wonderful Narnia story.

I want to! I keep vacillating between OMG Cofax it's bound to be good and OMG it's going to break me. I - don't want to be broken, is the thing. But it sounds so amazing.

*vacillates more*

[thefourthvine]

Hockey fic is the BEST!

And I totally love that I am hearing about all these squick-avoidance strategies people have. I FEEL MUCH LESS ALONE. Thank you!

[thefourthvine]

There's a great podfic of it, too, if the idea of listening to an RPF celebrities podfic doesn't make your internal organs want to crawl out of your mouth too badly. Penny's impersonation of Chris Pine talking to a dog is so good I want to have it auditorily framed.

Oh god. I don't do podfic because I am the world's most visual, text-oriented person, and just do not, like, take information in if it is coming at me in speech (yes, this makes life delightful in many respects, for serious), but - but I want to hear that imitation. I have a feeling it would make my LIFE.

Off to download!

Oh gosh I love it also. In the end I think it's much better than croquet.

It is WORTH loving. I finished it the first time and actually had to go right back to the beginning because I just - she does so many awesome things in that, and I wanted to be sure I wasn't missing stuff, you know?

Way better than croquet. WAY better. I mean, I can't exactly be considered an expert, because the one time I played croquet, it was this old set that we found, and it turns out you're supposed to have more than one ball? So, yeah, not an expert. But I still feel very confident in saying: BETTER THAN CROQUET.

[out_there]

I don't really have an RPS squick, but I do have a lack of caring for the canon. Basically, I'll read the RPS for fandoms I'm reading (i.e. Star Trek reboot got me to read Chris Pine and Zach Quinto, current Glee obsession is getting me to read skintightsock's Darren Criss/Chris Colfer fic... partly because she writes awesome and awesomely funny smutty stories, and partly because I currently have one of those vaguely-embarrassing crushes on a celbrity I will never meet Darren Criss, stop being adorkable) but I don't last long. Even popslash was only a flirtation for a few months.

Mostly, I can rewatch an episode of something over and over and love it every time. But if I watch too many interviews with actual celebrities they feel like real people and I have very little love for most real people. (There aren't a lot of people I could be trapped on a desert island with and not want to kill by the second day. Not for food or anything, but just so I didn't have to constantly spend time with them. I handle people best in short bursts.)

But, what I was actually going to say, is if you want the feel/style of reading RPS without it really being about real people, there's a Glee AU set on American Idol which really hits both of those. I mean, the Idol judges are there but the story is all around fictional people, so it's not really RPS just a real-place setting. I can find the link if you want/haven't read it.