226: GIANT COCK ANGST

[thefourthvine]

frostfire tends to tell me about whatever media she's consuming. (So, for example, I know a lot about True Blood for someone who has never seen it and never will. This gives me joy, since it lets me pretend I have some real connection with popular culture, instead of just a really long mental list of all the fictional people who should be fucking each other.) Recently, she told me about a story she was reading. (Just to give you some idea of what it's like, this is a story that forced us to use the terms cocksobriety and gaymaker a lot. Proper usage, in case you're curious: "That's it, he's fallen off the wagon. His cocksobriety is a thing of the past." "Yeah, [character] totally hit him with a gaymaker, and now he's just COCK COCK COCK all the time.") It is glorious. I can't remember the last time just hearing about a work of fiction made me so happy.

And probably the thing that has made me happiest is this key plot element: One of the characters has an enormous penis, and this gives him angst. Yes. This man's main source of anguish is his GIANT COCK. (No, this is in no way attached to other gender issues. He just - has tremendous insecurity, caused entirely by his HUMONGOUS WANG.)

Well. Obviously this is the best thing in the world. Because, first, it has finally given me a TV-Tropes-type name for a fiction phenomenon that has long irritated me, which is when the character has a trait that 99% of people would think is totally great and maybe even pay lots of money for, but which the author pretends is a major problem leading to extreme and possibly insurmountable trauma. I needed that. For the rest of my life, when I encounter a character who is gleamingly perfect except for all the tragedy arising from being, like, too happy or whatever, I will go, "Hello, GIANT COCK ANGST!" and giggle a lot.

But GIANT COCK ANGST did not stop giving there. I'd been thinking of TV Tropes, and from there it was a short step to just plain old tropes, and I realized that GIANT COCK ANGST is a concept that needs further exploring in fiction. I mean, just consider the potential in hockey RPF alone! Sidney Crosby (who was once rumored to have a giant cock) and his GIANT COCK ANGST, caused by the many remarks made in the locker room about his, you know, horsedick. (Obviously, Sidney would be a virgin because of his GIANT COCK ANGST.) And, of course, there should really be like eight stories called The Giant Cock Angst of Patrick Kane, because come on. Patrick Kane totally has GIANT COCK ANGST, despite having a completely normal-sized penis. (And he definitely talks about his GCA all the time, too, which leads to Tazer having a cock-related breakdown. (Quote from this imaginary story: "Baby, there is nothing average about this gorgeous piece of manmeat," Kaner says, sprawling really offensively to display his goods to maximum advantage. Johnny is pretty sure Kaner's practiced this in front of a mirror, just to make him crazy, and it pisses him off how well it's working.))

But the sad news I have for you today is that there I have no actual GIANT COCK ANGST stories to recommend. There's just the one I know of, and obviously I haven't even read it. So I am going to share with you these other stories. (I just want you to be thinking about GIANT COCK ANGST. Forever, basically. I know I will be.)

The One That at Long Last Satisfies My Desire to See a Vampire Get Called an Idiot a Lot. Look, I Read Interview with the Vampire at a Formative Age, Okay? Where the wild things are, by liketheroad. Hockey RPF, Patrick Kane/Jonathan Toews.

Midway through this story, I realized I was in pain. My face hurt. After several seconds of careful consideration, I realized I was experiencing muscle pain from smiling too much. And, you know, I smile a lot anyway, but apparently I don't smile for protracted periods of time without at least a small break. My cheek muscles were cramping.

So that's the center of my recommendation: This story made me smile until my face hurt so much I had to keep taking breaks to play Bubble Shooter. Maybe it will make your face hurt, too! Worth a shot.

And, okay, I have never read Twilight, and beyond the sparkling vampire thing, don't really know what goes on it. But if it's all Bella, like, yelling at Edward to get over his issues and stop being so creepy, and trying to force him to be more like an actual functional person, I am so ready to read it. I will borrow my mother's copies right now. (Yes. My mother has read the entire series. I don't want to talk about it.) This story - look, when there's an old immortal doing the Bonding Tango with a high school student, I worry. But that is seriously not a problem in this story, where Kaner is actually the one in charge of the entire pursuit-capture-turning thing, and Tazer's job is to stand around being confused and creepy and occasionally saving Kaner's life. (Kaner is also the more functional human being, which, given that we are talking about Patrick Kane, should tell you something about how vampirism affects Tazer.)

Although I really have to ask those of you who have read Twilight: Does Edward for serious spend his entire immortal life endlessly repeating high school? If so, why? Is he being punished? Because if he is, I salute the vampires for figuring out the perfect way to punish someone you can't really lock up or kill or spank or whatever, but I can only assume Edward did something really and truly awful (...attempted to destroy the planet?), in which case probably they shouldn't let him near Bella. And if he didn't do anything and is just spontaneously choosing to repeat high school endlessly, clearly there is something seriously wrong with him, and, again, he shouldn't be allowed near Bella. (Even if he was okay to start with, eternity in high school would eventually leave him barking, in which case, yes, he shouldn't be allowed near Bella.)

The One That Proves That at the End of the World, You're Going to Want to Be Able to Pickle. And Maybe Also Deal with Your Issues, but I Don't Know If It's Possible to Be Able to Do Both, and This Story Does Not Clear That Up. In Search Of, by toft. Mythbusters RPF, Jamie Hyneman/Adam Savage.

Okay. There are some stories you know you shouldn't read. This is absolutely one of those stories for me. It has animal harm! Child harm! The world ends! Bad stuff happens. And I am not a copes-well-with-bad-stuff person. I am a person who recently had an argument with her sister about who cries more easily. (We were waiting for the crowds to clear after a performance of Billy Elliot. It was topical. The conclusion, by the way: There comes a point where it doesn't matter, and that point is significantly behind both of us.)

So. This is not the story for me. I read it anyway. Partly that's because, hey, toft! She's good in anything! And partly - look. Sometimes I have Bad Story Sieges, where every single thing I attempt to read, no matter how good it looks, no matter how much I love the concept, no matter how sure I am it will be awesome, turns out to be a disaster. (I'm not sure if I hope I'm the only one this happens to, or if I want company in my misery.) In those situations, I will take risks I maybe shouldn't to break the siege. (For the record: If a beta of a story who knows your reading tastes only too well tells you that you absolutely should not read it, do not believe anyone else who tells you that you could. The beta knows it better. The end.) And this story did in fact break that particular streak of fan fiction disasters. You have to love a slumpbuster, even if it's not your usual fare.

But even if this story hadn't broken my siege, I think I would still have loved it. Yes, even though I reacted badly to certain sections. I love it enough to put up with the pain. Because, let's face it, Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman are near the top of your Real People I Want to Team up with if the World Ends list. (Don't even tell me if you don't have that list, because I will just fret. Proper preparation prevents poor performance, people!) Because this story is something to bring to mind the next time you're stuck in traffic and wishing everyone would just disappear. Because Adam and Jamie adopt a baby and they name her Leia. I just: Adam. Jamie. Apocalypse. Baby. That right there is a winning recipe.

...If you can handle animal harm. For real don't read this if you can't.

The Series That Proves That Dira Can't Resist Having Babies of Some Species in Her Stories. Or, in Other Words: PUPPIES! (I Approve.) Every Marine a Wolfbrother, by dira. Generation Kill, Brad Colbert/Ray Person, Brad Colbert/Nate Fick, Brad Colbert/Awesome.

Okay, I think every single person who is willing to read a series featuring US Marines psychically bonded to wolves has already read this, but my philosophy about that is that I don't care, I'm recommending it anyway. If I worry about things like timeliness and so on, I will never get anything posted. (This is why I don't instarec. If I did, it would read like, "OMG you guys totally go check out Dorothy Sayers! And this Murasaki lady is pretty darned awesome as well!")

And I would actually have recommended it earlier except I kept debating about which of the stories in the series to recommend. I finally realized that this was a sign I should just go with the whole series. (Yes, I did already recommend the first story in this series. So good I recommended it twice!) Because this is amazing. I've mentioned before that I have never and will never read A Companion to Wolves, but this series does such an incredible job of updating it, bringing it into a modern context, and making it make sense. Which is. You know. Amazing. I mean, this is Dira, so you sort of expect amazing, but still. This series is basically the equivalent, in terms of challenge level and so on, of writing a Tolkien barista AU and making it work. (Oh, man, I bet Rivendell is the name of a massively snooty coffee shop (although people in the know call it Imladris), where all the employees are seriously gorgeous but will not give you the time of day. They have Dead Language Open Mic Nights and Crystal Instrument Musicale Tuesdays. Arwen is the daughter of the owner; she gets harassed a lot for wanting to marry this dude who is totally scruffy and, like, mainstream. No, wait, I am stopping this right now.)

Given that Dira makes this central concept work, it's almost beside the point to mention that she makes so many other things work. I mean. I can't quite call to mind any other story I've read recently in which the main pairing gets bored in the middle of sex and talks about surfing (no, Dom and Brian, talking about cars doesn't count, especially since for you that is sex), but that happens in one of these, and it works. Probably the key miracle in this series is that Dira switches pairings between the stories, which. Uh. I have a very sensitive OTP Detector, and generally I can read only one pairing per fandom. Multiple pairings in a single series is tough. Multiple pairings involving the same dude - that's basically impossible. (Although not hugely surprisingly in this case, since a side theme of the series, as with every Generation Kill story I have ever read, is "Wow, Brad Colbert is really awesome. I mean. Wow. I just. SO GREAT, people. SO GREAT. I think he's made entirely of sparkledust and swear words!") But Dira made me read it, buy it, and like it. I think she wins the Impossible Feat of the Year Award, hands-down.

Unless someone really does write that Tolkien barista AU, I guess. (Suggested name for a new AO3 collection: Tolkien AUs Are Fucking Hardcore.)

The One That Leaves Me Wondering if Anyone Ever Buys a Robot Who Totally 100% Means to Buy a Robot, or if in the Future All Robot Purchases Will Occur While Drunk, Upset, Concussed, Confused, or Whatever. (And Yes, I Do Wonder How That Will Affect Marketing Strategies.) The Chinese Room, by tyrannicides. Football RPF, Iker Casillas/Cesc Fabregas.

Okay, so this is a robot AU. Stop rolling your eyes at me, youngun. I do not recommend every single robot AU that comes down the pike. Just the awesome ones. It is not my fault if the trope tends to lead to awesome stories.

And this one is sincerely awesome. Unfortunately, it's incredibly hard to write about without spoiling it. (Although I will say this: if you read it and like it, read it twice. I liked this on first reading - lovely writing, gorgeous story, solid characterization given that I have basically no clue who these people are, etc. And then I re-read it and picked up so much more of what the author was doing. First time good, second time better!)

But this does leave me in a quandary. For reasons that do not require spoiling at this juncture, I can't talk about the story, beyond, you know, the basics (There's a writer with agoraphobia! He buys an android!). And since I don't know the characters basically at all, I can't talk about them. (They play for - football teams. In Spain. Beyond that, all I can tell you is that my conclusion is that Iker maybe has some issues, and might also be a trifle uptight. And Cesc is a puppy. Probably this one.) So what do I talk about in this rec?

I mean, I could tell you about the world building in this story. (Remarkable, especially given that we're talking about one character who basically does not leave his house and another character who has no understanding of what the world actually is.) I could tell you that this story really made me think about all the things you can do with a robot AU. (I guess there's nothing that lets you get to the heart of humanity like writing about someone who is not technically human and doesn't actually have a heart?) I could tell you about the writing. (It's lovely.) I could tell you how compelling this story is. (Very.) I could tell you this story legit made me tear up in several places. (Granted, this is not all that challenging, but still.) Or I could go the rec-unrelated-to-the-story route, always a favorite of mine, and, say, tell you about how I recently discovered that my son's first preschool teacher maaaaaaybe has been able to hear my wife and I having sex for the last three years. (Whoops.)

Or I could just tell you to go read the story. Yeah, let's go with that option. (Go read it! It's good!)

Comments

[st_aurafina]

Does Edward for serious spend his entire immortal life endlessly repeating high school?

Yes. All of the Cullen children endlessly repeat high school. In the movie their adoptive mother, whose vampire super power is homemaking, makes a beautiful collage of all their mortar boards lined up.

[niqaeli]

That's creepy.

Not even in a 'why do you want to hang out with teenagers as theoretical peers endlessly, jfc how fucking old are you at this point' way (although certainly that's not irrelevant on the creepscale).

But just. Like. Ignoring that entirely, teenagers don't generally want to be in high school in the first place! If they validly had reason to get out of it, many seriously would jump at it. Which, having done it before generally counts in most people's minds as valid reason to take a pass on something. So just. Why, why would anyone go voluntarily sign on for that repeatedly and endlessly. Just. What?

[thefourthvine]

OMG WHYYYYYYY? That is for real the creepiest thing I have heard this year. Very few horror movies can attain this level of creepy creepy creeping.

[azurelunatic]

I'm very excited for Sarah Rees Brennan's Team Human, which is about the girl whose BFF has fallen for a vampire ewwwww.

I will issue a personal CAUTIONARY STATEMENT for you for Twilight, because while Bella does do a certain amount of "Look, it is like 2000-something, can we please just fuck", she does not actually do as much swearing at Edward as would actually be called for.

[thefourthvine]

Oh, man, BFF dating a vampire, yikes. That would be like when your friend starts dating a total dick who is in his twenties and has a band and calls her little girl! ONLY WORSE. (Yeah, a friend of mine did that. As a teenager, I did not know how to say, "Ummmmm, maybe not such a good idea? Because REASONS." Like, the words were just not in my vocabulary. Looking back, it would have made SO MUCH DIFFERENCE to my life and the lives of people around me if I had known how to say that appropriately.)

she does not actually do as much swearing at Edward as would actually be called for

...I just. I just don't think I can get behind a vampire story that isn't mostly about how the vampire needs to get punched in the dick until he gets over himself. Maybe if I were younger.

[annaalamode]

So instead of being the good person who tells you about the secret cache of GCA that she is hiding (I'm not, btw), I will instead tell you five reasons why Twilight is clearly a parody of itself:

1) Robert Pattinson has stated that he only took the role because of Kristen. He spends a lot of time on promotional tours insulting Edward. But it's okay since he is doing this on top of a GIANT PILE OF MONEY.

2) The books get worse as they go on. Twilight is your standard girl and vampire court book. I mean, yes, Edward never goes to college. (Which, okay, I would rather go to college for 100 years then high school. You could major in different stuff! It would be awesome.) But it isn't terrible. But the series manages to get worse and worse. Which brings me to...

3) Breaking Dawn (which, yes, I have read) is, I regret to inform you, the worst book ever written. You would think a couple of characters who spent 4 books having UST type interactions would, you know, have decent sex. But Breaking Dawn contains the least sexy sex scene written in the history of ever. (They break a pillow. WTF?)

4) C-Section via incisors.

5) They sparkle. They fly. They play baseball.

[thefourthvine]

I - I got as far as 4), and now my brain is inside out and squidgy, oh god oh god. I need - something. Cake. Alcohol. Amnesia. SOMETHING.

[cesy]

Doesn't Edward have a couple of medical degrees, though, thus implying he went to college at some point? Or is that only in Midnight Sun?

[kass]

I've never seen Generation Kill (though I have read and quite enjoyed A Companion to Wolves and its sequel); can I still follow Dira's story, do you think?

[vass]

I haven't seen GK, and Dira's series became an instant comfort reread for me.

[paxpinnae]

I don't have a giant cock angst story, but I do have a story where Tony Stark finds out that the super-soldier serum didn't affect Steve's equipment and spends the whole story trying to let Steve know that he'd be totally okay with Steve's tiny, non-proportional cock, should they decide to bang! It is called every dong has its day, and it is MARVELOUS.

[brownbetty]

this. It is kind of about how Tony does not have Giant Cock Angst. Or tact.

[boxofdelights]

I hesitate to mention it, because everybody's read it already, haven't they? but I am encouraged by your insouciance:
Five Times Ray Kowalski Was Ashamed of His Dick and One Time He Wasn't

[thefourthvine]

I somehow managed to miss this. I cannot think how. But that situation is going to CHANGE, I tell you what. Thank you!

Tolkein Barista AU

[anniegee76]

Unless someone really does write that Tolkien barista AU, I guess. (Suggested name for a new AO3 collection: Tolkien AUs Are Fucking Hardcore.) Not quite a barista AU, but have you see the Broship of the Ring (http://gingerhaze.tumblr.com/tagged/The_Broship)? The hobbits are hipsters, Boromir is a frat dude, Arwen grinds her own coffee. Eowyn is in a motorcycle gang. The Nazgul ride around on fixies! It's really cute.

Re: Tolkein Barista AU

[thefourthvine]

I have! It is the BEST. I especially love Boromir and Eowyn, and of course everyone loves a Nazbro.

[brownbetty]

I suspect only a small percentage of the people who would buy a robot while sober are people you would want to read a story about.

[dira]

...Must. not. take that as a challenge. /o\

[dira]

*eyes babyfic currently in progress*

...All things considered I guess I gotta cop to that one. *g*

Also, ahahaha oh god, someday I will actually FINISH this series! Or at least, write the story that wraps up all the other stories into some kind of coherent... thing. Hopefully for this year's warbigbang! (With, yeah, more puppies. Obviously.)

[thefourthvine]

...You GUESS? That's like saying, "Oh, hmmm. I guess I do put words together to make sentences sometimes!" Even if you wrote, like, a 900 word story, and the characters were canonically undead, I would be sort of surprised if a baby didn't show up. (Oh, man, remember that time that Dawn turned into a baby and Spike had to take care of her? I BELIEVE A THEME BEGAN THERE.)

And, ohhhhh MORE MARINE WOLFBROTHERS. I yearn, I tell you, YEARN. Although totally finish the babyfic first. WORLD NEEDS MORE BABYFIC: My actual motto. I will follow you into any fandom I can, because I know eventually you will produce my ACTUAL ID IN FIC FORM.

[toft]

Ok, so I just accidentally left this comment about giant cocks and apocalypses on someone else's journal by accident. Luckily it was commodorified.

I'M SO DELIGHTED that you read In Search Of and enjoyed it! While I was writing it I for-real angsted about the fact that you would hate bits of it and once I'd determined that I really didn't feel like I could change That Scene, I had all these wild fantasies about, like, issuing you with a formal apology or making a TFV-safe version, but then I thought that would be weird. THERE ARE NOT SO MANY MYTHBUSTERS FANFICTION READERS OUT THERE, OKAY! NO READER LEFT BEHIND! Anyhow, I'm really glad you got through it despite the bad bits. I actually just wrote a DVD commentary where I thought about what I'd do differently, and That Scene was one of them. Anyhow! Yay.

The GCA reminds me of that guy in The Full Monty who has a giant dong and then him and one of the other guys in their amateur stripper group get together. I feel like I've read fic (probably on Yuletide) about those two and this guy's giant cock angst...

[toft]

Also I am partner-bound to tell you that J says that having a giant cock is a real serious problem in the real world. She knew this girl who started dating this guy who had a giant penis and they couldn't have penetrative sex and so they broke up. (I assume they didn't consider investigating strap-on options or whatevs).

[giglet]

(Oh, man, I bet Rivendell is the name of a massively snooty coffee shop (although people in the know call it Imladris), where all the employees are seriously gorgeous but will not give you the time of day. They have Dead Language Open Mic Nights and Crystal Instrument Musicale Tuesdays. Arwen is the daughter of the owner; she gets harassed a lot for wanting to marry this dude who is totally scruffy and, like, mainstream. No, wait, I am stopping this right now.)

I feel that I must tell you that Rivendell is the name of a local bike shop, and the parallels between baristas and bike shop employees are strong. (Bringing a Sears bike into some bike shops is like mixing Folgers instant in front of a serious coffee snob -- and then dumping a pixie stick into the cup.) So, you know, totally like a barista AU, only with more technical materials -- ie, Spandex.

[thefourthvine]

OMG. I - a local bike shop. Named Rivendell. MY LIFE IS COMPLETE. (And you have just identified, in so many words, why I am afraid to buy a bike for BB, who really wants one. It probably doesn't help that I can't ride one.)

[lotesse]

Oh my god I have READ A GIANT COCK ANGST STORY. Not only read, but bookmarked! Tira Nog, Growing Pains explicit Snarry longfic. Snape angsts about his giant cock.

[brownbetty]

Isn't Snarry fandom 60% GCA by weight?

[alethia]

a side theme of the series, as with every Generation Kill story I have ever read, is "Wow, Brad Colbert is really awesome. I mean. Wow. I just. SO GREAT, people. SO GREAT. I think he's made entirely of sparkledust and swear words!"

HA! Well, yeah, pretty much.

Great series.

[thefourthvine]

If it weren't for the fact that a) I will never have the time and b) I am quite certain it would really upset me, I would totally watch GK, just so I could behold this FAIRY PRINCE IN THE SHAPE OF A MARINE. He is MAGIC.

[spuffyduds]

Elrond is not completely without self-awareness. He does get, yes, that it seems like the giantest of cliches to want to keep his daughter here, in his world. To resist all the "you've got to let her go" advice he gets after one of Galadriel's "psychic" sessions, which as far as he can tell consist entirely of staring slackjawed at her reflection in the polished brass of the espresso machine.

But he just wants Arwen to be happy and safe. Here in this coffeeshop where she grew up, doing her homework at the corner table during poetry slams, painting really rather awful treehouse murals on the walls to go with the ceiling he'd decorated with glow-in-the-dark stars. He can't help wanting her here forever, his little girl, teaching the hipsters to play paper football, getting pulled up onto the tiny corner stage to play tambourine with various folkie bands named after wasting diseases.

Out in the world there is evil. There are wicked men and monsters and disappointing biscotti. In here everything is perfect because he madeit that way...or, at least, what isn't perfect is amusing.

And every time that man comes in, the one Elrond has secretly nicknamed "Would a Shampoo Kill You?", Arwen glows like the ceiling stars, and Elrond knows it's just a matter of time.

[feanna]

Arwen glows like the ceiling stars

I LOVE YOU!

[innocentsmith]

So, after immediately thinking of the RayK's Giant Cock story I see you've already been informed of - on both journals, even - my first thought was, "Oh, Jondalar. LOL."

Because: have you read Jean Auel's Earth's Children romance/Mary Sue/adventure/everything you ever wanted to know about Paleolithic culture series? The most famous is the first, Clan of the Cave Bear, but in the second the love interest Jondalar arrives, and his main personality traits are (a) being awesome at sex, to the point where he's regularly recruited to give young ladies a great time when they lose their virginity, and (b) nevertheless having massive, literal GIANT COCK ANGST. It is just SO LONG. No woman's hoohah can entirely contain it, so he is constantly forced to hold back his pleasure in service of the woman's! Except that our heroine Ayla's vagina is apparently exactly the right size for him, because she is his soulmate and therefore destiny has ordained that their squishy bits match. Much sexual rapture ensues.

I came across an awesome XMFC fic the other day which has Charles and Erik in many different time periods, with a tone varying from really thoughtful, heartachy stuff to total cracktasticness, but the chapter that had me rolling was the one with Erik as Jondalar, complete with Cock Angst. Amazing.

[surexit]

This entry has the best title ever. :O

[out_there]

(I just want you to be thinking about GIANT COCK ANGST. Forever, basically. I know I will be.)


I'm sniggering at the very thought of it, to be honest. (And it's helped by currently being in Glee fandom where I'm now trying to imagine any of the guys suffering from GCA. Because Finn's already been called Frankenteen but given he's so tall, I bet he wouldn't even notice if he was overendowed. Puck would brag. Artie would brag. Mike wouldn't brag but I bet his girlfriend would brag on his behalf. Blaine and Kurt, well, as long as it didn't ruin the line of their trousers or show too much while wearing skinny jeans, they'd just enjoy the benefits.

Possibly Sam. Sam would totally have GCA along with his "are my abs defined enough" angst. I feel weirdly settled now I've figured out where this trope would fit in my fandom.)

Does Edward for serious spend his entire immortal life endlessly repeating high school? If so, why? Is he being punished?

Not only does he forever repeat high school (based on what I've seen of the films, I've never read the books) he spends eternity living with his family. I just have this huge urge to point at the Cullens (his family) and say "Look up vampirism. You're doing it wrong."

[camshaft22]

I love all of these suggestions and recs. OMG.

You are a wonderful, wonderful person to put this together.

[twincy]

I just thought you should know that someone's written Kane/Toews GIANT COCK ANGST.

GCA Kaner

[(Anonymous)]

And another Kane/Toews, only this time, it's Kaner who has the massive cock (and all associated angst): http://archiveofourown.org/works/651361