thefourthvine | Slashy Nominations 76: I Am a Great Friend to Public Amusements, for They Keep People from Vice

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Slashy Nominations 76: I Am a Great Friend to Public Amusements, for They Keep People from Vice

Of course, Samuel Johnson probably was thinking of public amusements other than sex when he said that; I don't really think public sex is all that likely to focus the mind on thoughts good or clean. But, really, who wants thoughts like those?

Well, we don't. Obviously. So we have these stories, which aren't going to do much to keep us from vice, but which are, on the other hand, definitely way more entertaining than, for example, mime.

Best FF Featuring a Public Sex Location That Gets Ten out of Ten for Chutzpah and Zero out of Ten for Ambiance: Smut 3: Breakfast, by Grackle and Christy, and does anyone have links for either of them? Oz, Tobias Beecher/Christopher Keller. I'm developing a love/hate* relationship with Oz fan fiction that's almost as unhealthy as the major pairing in this fandom. That pairing, of course, is Beecher/Keller. In most seasons they go through more twists and turns and pain and blood and misery than the entire student body of your average American high school, but, luckily, you don't need to know anything about that to read this story, because this is pretty much your basic PWP. (For which thank god, because it's totally beyond my ability to explain, or indeed understand, the plot of this damn show.) And, really, pretty much any B/K sex that doesn't happen in an alternate universe has got to count as public sex to some degree; it's not like there's privacy in a prison. Even so, this story stands out. There's public sex and then there's borderline insanity, and this fic definitely leans to the latter. But then, hell, so does this whole fandom.

Best FF That Shows Us That Public Sex Is Sometimes Just a Prelude to Matchmaking: One Up, by

cmshaw. Due South, Ray Kowalski/Ray Vecchio. Yes, it's a Ray/Ray story, and therefore I will be offering a Certified Safe Alternate Story for those people who cannot take their dS in any flavor other than Kowalski/Fraser. But, actually, I think this story will upset Vecchio lovers far more than K/F addicts; basically, this is Ray/Ray as a springboard to K/F, with Vecchio acting like, well, a bit of a jerk. And this all happens in the men's room at the 27th, thus once again demonstrating that said men's room is one of the Sex Spots for this particular fandom. (The others, of course, are: Canadian shack, the GTO, and Ray's apartment.) This is the Public Toilet of Hot Man Lovin', folks, and while that concept is both scary and slightly vile, it works. Or certain writers make it work, even though I sometimes wish that the precinct's Sex Spot had been the stairwell. Or, hell, the supply closet. Anywhere, really, that wouldn't involve people on their knees in a men's room, violating, if not health regulations, at least every possible measure of common sense.

-Or-

Best FF That Shows That Any Cultural Divide Can Be Bridged with Sensitivity, Understanding, Intelligence, and Hot Gay Sex. And If the International Diplomatic Community Knew This, I Think We'd All Pay a Lot More Attention to Foreign Affairs. So to Speak. Translating Fahrenheit to Celsius, by Speranza, aka

cesperanza. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. Here's the alternate story for those who just can't cope with Ray/Ray. And I'm proud to report that it's another story set in that famed Public Toilet of Hot Man Lovin' (and, really, I think the Chicago Tourism Board ought to capitalize on this, although I suppose finding someone to lead, say, guided tours would be sort of challenging). But even though this story does in fact feature sex, it's really about how Fraser communicates and how Ray translates. And I love the way Ray's translations work here, via his intuition, his intelligence, and his abiding love for Fraser. Really, what F/K fan could ask for anything more? (By the way, you translate Fahrenheit to Celsius thusly: (T_f - 32) * (5/9) = T_c. There. Now we can all pretend that FF is an educational pursuit. I mean, educational about things other than unusual and imaginative lubricants, and I actually wish FF was just a little less educational about that.)

Best FF Featuring the Worst Song Lyrics Ever, Namely "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I've Got Love in My Tummy." And Please, Please Let This Also Be the Only FF Featuring That Song, Because There's Only So Much a Person Can Take. Slackened Ties, by

anniesj. Harry Potter, Remus Lupin/Sirius Black (in Marauders time). Does the Gryffindor common room count as public sex? I'm voting yes, and not just because the word "common" is right there in the name of the place; when you think of all the potential for magical eavesdropping, every location in the Potterverse is at least sort of public, but the Gryffindor common room is especially so. (That fireplace! The ghosts! Mrs. Norris!) Unlike the other stories I'm offering today, the public sex in this one has consequences, if you can call getting interrupted by a good friend consequences. And I have to admit I love this story not so much for the smut, although it is smutty and good, but rather for the reaction of said friend, which elevated this to a whole other level for me. (I think Sports Night has broken me, folks; I now like banter more than smut. Soon I won't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror.) The reaction is just so - well, I'd say in-character, except that the canon has hardly given us any character for the Marauders in their schooldays, so I'll have to go with - right. (In case you got lost in that bugger of a sentence, the content, to the extent that there was any, was: "The reaction is just so right.") And how can you not love a story that ends with James on the prowl? Every story needs James Potter on the prowl! Well, no, I take that back. But this one is definitely the better for it.

Best FF That Demonstrates That the Road to Emotional Healing Is Paved with Good Gay Sex: Downed, by Jack, aka

buggery. Batclan, Dick Grayson/Tim Drake. This is another Tim-after-Robin story; I used to be pissed off about Tim shucking his costume (in, you know, the permanent sense), but it's given us such a lot of quality FF that I'm beginning to feel uncomfortably grateful for it. (This, incidentally, is yet more proof of the Law of Canon Cruelty, which states: "As canon writers become more cruel, fan fiction authors become more creative." But let us all stay focused on the first corollary to the Law of Canon Cruelty: "But that doesn't mean we have to forgive the canon writers, or even, in exceptional cases - Tom Fontana, Joss Whedon, Marvel - refrain from throwing vegetables at them in the street.") So. Tim isn't Robin anymore. And who better to help him through this difficult transitional period than the only other person who has survived Robinhood? (Yes, that was an intentional pun. Yes, I am sorry. Yes, I will be punishing myself later.) And what better way to begin the process of coping than with sex in a public alley? I mean, sure, mental health professionals might argue with that statement, but I know this much is true - even the very best mental health professional would go catatonic if confronted with even a quarter of the Batclan's collected insanity. So, really, I don't think we can listen to them on this one.

-Footnote-

* Fan fiction is having a seriously deleterious effect on my view of a certain punctuation mark. Am I the only one who looked at "love/hate" and thought, wow, there's a pairing I'd read? Um. Actually, I probably am.

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Fan fiction is having a seriously deleterious effect on my view of a certain punctuation mark. Am I the only one who looked at "love/hate" and thought, wow, there's a pairing I'd read? Um. Actually, I probably am.

That's okay. I was once talking about a football match and typed "Sweden/Denmark," and my immediate thought was on how two countries could have sex...

(and it's all your fault that I'm reading Dick/Tim now. Comicverse is too expensive a fandom! *grumbles*)

and it's all your fault that I'm reading Dick/Tim now. Comicverse is too expensive a fandom! *grumbles*

I'm sorry, but I can only squeal with glee, because of course my primary purpose for doing this LJ is to get others to share my multi-fandom pain. But I wouldn't be posting DCU recs if

thete1 hadn't pimped me into the fandom, so I'm passing the blame back to her. It's all her fault.

I was once talking about a football match and typed "Sweden/Denmark," and my immediate thought was on how two countries could have sex...

I actually feel a lot better now, because obviously it isn't just me. Thank you. (And, you know, Denmark is a very crinkled kind of country - all crenelated around the edges - so I'm sure some protruding part of Sweden...no. No no no. I cannot go there and even pretend to myself that I am still sane.)

Well, you know, Sweden's a rather phallic-shaped country and all, and the Copenhagen part of Denmark just curves accomodatingly around it... *watches sanity twirl away in the arms of morality-- fuck, I did it again*

*waves a cheery goodbye to

erjika's sanity and morality*

Well, good riddance to them. You never liked them anyway, and now you can write countryslash all you like, dearie.

An Oz rec, yay! A B/K rec, double yay!

Am I the only one who looked at "love/hate" and thought, wow, there's a pairing I'd read? Um. Actually, I probably am.

You most definitely are not. (I think hate would be the bottom.)

An Oz rec, yay! A B/K rec, double yay!

Do you see that it is bad for me to pick up a new fandom? Do you see that it is insane for me to pick up Oz? Do you see that this is so not a fandom for me, especially since it's almost impossible to follow the fic if you've never seen the show, and I never have and never will? Not to mention that I actually prefer happy endings, whereas Tom Fontana apparently prefers endings where a) everyone dies, but b) not before being really, really destroyed c) emotionally, mentally, and physically, and then d) the corpses are hacked into little bitty bits and raped?

Except I can feel Oz sucking me in. God help me.

I think hate would be the bottom.

Definitely! I see it as an intensely D/s scene, too. Bondage. Vicious remarks. The kind of seduction that is more like a swordfight - all sharpened steel and first blood and the constant risk of sudden death.

Oh, god, I've lost my mind.

Am I the only one who looked at "love/hate" and thought, wow, there's a pairing I'd read? Um. Actually, I probably am.

Um. You are SO not.

*headdesks*

*attempts to work up nerve to read Ray/Ray, since you recc'd it*

Um. You are SO not.

I am very much feeling the love, here (not to mention the love/hate). Everyone is as insane as I am! Apparently! Or even more, in some cases! Yay!

*happy dance, complete with swirly gestures meant to indicate spreading insanity*

*attempts to work up nerve to read Ray/Ray, since you recc'd it*

*makes soothing noises*

*pats head sympathetically*

Believe me, I know the Ray/Ray is scary. It was several months before I could face it. But, honestly, this is an F/K lover's Ray/Ray. There could be no safer place to start. Still, remember: you don't have to do it until you're ready.

Re your footnote - there's a LJ community for anthropomorphic fiction. I wouldn't be surprised if someone has already written Love/Hate. The latest is Lie/Truth slash. Some pieces are really quite good, with a range of styles, though humor often predominates. I'm partial to the linguistic pieces myself, though Diet/Junk Food was also well done.

http://www.livejournal.com/community/anthropomor_fic/

From user info:
A community for fiction about anthropomorphic personifications, from Academia to Potassium Ion Channels, and the anthropomorphs and humans who love them.

Oops, meant to add this before I hit post.

From English/Latin Breakup by Shakespearessis - perhaps my favorite:
"English desperately tried to embrace the other language with its unwieldy spate of jargon. "Latin," it wailed, "You can't do this to me, yo! Just because I've taken a - a little bit of German, but surely-"

"It's not German," Latin said coldly, withdrawing from the sunlight and English's embrace into the darkness of library, sullen. "It's not even Greek - I've been with Greek! It's the slang. HOW COULD YOU?"

Gives a whole new light to those years of HS Latin...

I've been struggling to resist the

anthropmor_fic lure for weeks now;

makesmewannadie keeps tempting me with lovely, lovely concepts. But I know my sanity will be forever gone if I so much as look at the community.

(Hmmm. Wonder if anyone's written Toaster/Bread/Jam yet.)

Not looking! Not looking! No such thing as

anthropomor_fic!

Oohhh, a threesome! I know a number of folks who'd jump at that pairing, though it could spark some debate over the proper jam flavor (I'd vote for raspberry). Then again, marmalade would bring a certain piquancy...

And while I don't think Love/Hate has been posted, there is a rather amusing Hurt/Comfort piece.

Oh, clearly raspberry. Not marmalade. Marmalade is a perversion before the face of the Holy Trinity of Toast. So, for the record, is grape jelly, although I do not support the radical toastamentalists that think grape-lovers should be stoned. We must show them the error of their ways with love! Love, I tell you!

Love/Hate is definitely one that must be written, then, and I want to see slash/backslash, too, and x-axis/y-axis...wait. What am I doing? This is madness!

*rushes off to take large quantities of sedatives, praying it's not too late*

Hmm, I never knew that my taste in condiments was so accurate a reflection of my religious stance. Perversion indeed. I must confess that I'm quite fond of marmalade, especially the seldom seen (in the US anyway) scotch orange with bitter orange and lemon peel. It's a lovely antidote to the sometimes cloying jams. (I'm running a simultaneous fan fiction commentary in head now, writers as condiments. In DS, Kat Allison would definitely be a scotch orange marmalade. No added sugar, piquant, hints of sweetness textured with tart peel, appreciated by discerning palates, not for those who want extreme sweetness...)

And you must give in and write Love/Hate, and slash/backslash and x-axis/y-axis! Anthropomor_fic draws a a number of maths fans who'd delight in that pairing. The Maths/Pure Maths and Academia/Pure Maths are great fun pieces.

I'd gladly offer caffeine to counter the sedatives, as long as it's coffe. I'm afraid I'm running a bit low on tea myself, and caffeine is an essential part of my day. Double expresso, perhaps? Just a small something to get you going, of course.

This is great stuff--thanks for the link!

You're welcome. There really are some well done pieces, and surprisingly, not all humorous. There is a rather lovely, melancholy astronomy piece that I need to go back and save again since I somehow misplaced the first copy.

"One Up" is the story that sold me on Ray/Ray (well, that and

resonant8's "Left." I think it's actually more Vecchio the pragmatist than jerk, or maybe even Vecchio the inadvertent matchmaker, but, well. I love the hotness and the vileness of it, if you will. Great rec, as is Speranza's wonderful story.

I grant you Vecchio the pragmatist and inadvertent matchmaker, but there's also Vecchio the jerk. Because on what planet do you do that to a friend?

But, yeah, the best Ray/Ray stories all have a certain built-in vileness or grittiness. That's what makes Ray/Ray work, at least for me; I mean, I suppose there is fic somewhere out there with the two of them settling down and getting mushy and exchanging Meaningful Christmas Gifts, but I am grateful that I have never read it.

I take your point. Jerk, yes.

And as for the soft side of Ray/Ray...
"Here, Raykins, I knitted you a special hat, so your adorable shiny head doesn't get all frostbity."

"Aw, Stanley, you shouldn't have! It's so soft! What's it made of?"

"The leftover hair I found in the bathtub everytime you took a shower, lovebunnums."

"Wow, that's...(tearing up)...really special of you, my little kielbasa of love. Here, open this."

"Ooooh, Ray! A brand new cock ring! You're the best, baby."

"Yeah, I am, aren't I?"

*sniff*

*snuffle*

That's just...so touching. Awwww.

*moist snort*

(It's excellent. I wanna see the whole story! Because, c'mon - kielbasa of love? And the whole thing is just so perfect. So show us the rest of "Rays in Love (If That's What You Call It)" or whatever this story is.)

Am I the only one who looked at "love/hate" and thought, wow, there's a pairing I'd read? Um. Actually, I probably am.

Quite obviously not. But are you as far gone as I am? Watching the swimming on the Olympics I heard 'backstroke' and immediately thought of a '/'. Am now thinking in slash symbolese.

Sadly, it is simply too late for me. But if you get treatment now, you may still be able to be saved.

I'm afraid it's too late for me, as well. I mean, for one thing, I'm not even watching the Olympics; I'm reading slash. Plus, every time I see a headline with "slash" in it (latest examples: "Sweden Should Slash Alcohol Tax: Study" or "Cop Detained in Snatch and Slash Case") it takes me several blink-filled seconds to readjust my thinking so that the headline makes sense. (Particularly in the case of "Snatch and Slash," which I cannot see without giggling, although the subject is not at all funny.)

But, hey, we must take comfort: they also serve who only serve as a warning to others.

'Slackened Ties' is one of my current favorite stories, and I knew it had to be that as soon as I read your Title. Only one story can have that song in it [please god] and still be readable :D

It's so something James would listen to, though.

"Besides, now that Sirius is a flaming poof, I'm now the most attractive heterosexual at Hogwarts. Forget Lily Evans; I'm on the prowl."

*adores*

It's so something James would listen to, though.

Oh, no argument. Plus, really bad lyrics seem to remove the songfic jinx; we might all shudder in horror at the thought of, oh, an HP fic with Evanescence's "Immortal Beloved" in it (and rightly so, may I add), but an HP fic with, for example, "Disco Inferno" just doesn't hold the same terror. (Although it might if I had the foggiest idea what a disco inferno is.)

My only complaint about "Slackened Ties" is that it makes me want a story with this version of James Potter/Cat (from Red Dwarf). And that's a scary, scary concept.

Eek! My google-fu is letting me down! The wayback machine has failed me!

*wails* Do you have a link for Smut 3: Breakfast? I... have just been imprisoned by Oz (while still maintaining due South as my safe happy home to run to) and I want to read this fic! PLEASE?

No, I don't. *sad*

The CB5 archive seems broken, and I don't know of any other source for this story, or for any of Grackle's stories. So, um, sorry, but I can't be more help. The only thing I could do - and this is a long shot - is email someone from Oz fandom whom I know who also knows Grackle and Christy. Which I have done, but, well, it's an old fandom, and if the primary archive has gone wonky - I don't hold a lot of hope.

*whimpers*

And now I want to re-read it, too. I should really just save everything I rec to my hard drive.

Hmmm. That's actually a very good idea. (Of course, if I'd thought of it three years ago, it'd have been an even better idea, but...)

*joins you in a huddled whimpering mass on the floor*

On the plus side (and now observe the chutzpah- making recs to the reccer!) I have found a way back link for Angel's lockdown series! Which were recc'd on crack van, but broken. Via an old, broken link where the author had removed her index page, but hadn't removed the sub pages off it and they made a reference to her original home page and the fics were there, via wayback machine! YAY!

You want?
*waves the rec temptingly in front of your nose*

Man, I need an Oz icon! Where is there oz icons?

Woot! Fandom has come through for me, and in turn (God. I nearly wrote tern, and much as I love my seabirds, I really don't know what one would be doing with a link in its interior) I pass the goodness onto you!

Here is the link for Smut 3: Breakfast because

suespur is awesome and archived the entire rest of the C5 links here!

YAY! Let joy be unconfined!

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Slashy Nominations 76: I Am a Great Friend to Public Amusements, for They Keep People from Vice

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Anthropomorphic Fiction

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