thefourthvine | Slashy Nominations 85: Masturbation Is a Democratic Pleasure

Ah, the wankfic. What can I say? It is truly a classic form. In fact, it is to fan fiction what iambic pentameter is to poetry: common yet satisfying, just structured enough to inspire without in any way constraining the brilliance of the author.

Um. Lost focus there for a moment. Sorry.

Anyway, yeah. I'm a big ol' fan of the wankfic. But then, who isn't? And since I don't seem to be able to write a coherent introduction, let's get right to fic.

Best FF That Proves You Can Tie a Vampire Up, But You Can't Keep Him Down: A Lesson in Principles, by Annie Sewell-Jennings, aka

anniesj. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Spike/Xander Harris. (Does Spike ever get a last name? Is there some kind of law in Buffyland that vampires only have one name? Nail-thin models and female singers with distressed hair: is this the right kind of company for Whedonist vampires? Hmmm. You know, maybe it is. OK, objection withdrawn.) So now I have a humiliating confession to make: I like Spike. I like his attitude; I like that he doesn't take himself seriously. (And, yes, I grant that Angel learns this trick, too, when he has his own show. We're not talking about that now.) He doesn't take anything seriously. Other people might mope and brood and bleed, might obsess about the past and worry about the future, but he's having fun in the now, dammit. He's almost Zen, really. It's an example we could all learn from. Only not the evil and the biting and killing parts. (And no one should try to emulate the hair, 'cause I don't think there's anyone else in the world who could carry that off, and I'm not convinced he does, either.) But there's a downside to Spike's in-the-moment approach to undeath, as Xander learns in this fic. When he's not happy, it's not like he, you know, suffers in silence or anything. Here we get Spike at his most gleefully provoking, and I just love it.

Best FF That Strikes a Much-Needed Blow for Women's Rights to Equality of - Well, OK, Masturbation. But Don't Tell Me That's Not an Important Right. Really, Reasonable Founding Fathers Would've Put It in the Constitution. Jilling, by Te, aka Ficusbane, aka

thete1. Smallville, Chloe, and I honestly don't know enough about the fandom to know her last name. (Or, hey, maybe she's a singing model bloodsucker, and she only has the one name. Could be.) But I do know that girls do not get even close to equal representation in the masturbation fic realm. Trust Te to do her part toward redressing the balance. Gotta love this woman, and not just because she kills every ficus she lays hands on. So here we have Chloe being her own best friend, so to speak, while fantasizing about talking to - no, let's be honest - teasing Clark Kent. It should act as an inspiration to all those authors who don't think girls merit equality in every realm. (Try, as you consider this concept, not to imagine the League of Women Voters taking up this cause, because that could end all aspects of your sex life forever.)

Best FF Featuring the Quidditch Showers Being Put to the Use I Am Sure the Hogwarts Founders Intended for Them. Which Would Be Cleanliness Emergencies, of Course. Afternoon Showers, Chance of Rain, by

memorycharm. Harry Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Marauders-era. HP fangirls have devoted lots of time to the question of where boys who attend boarding schools jerk off. (Really, we should write a FAQ or something to help out the real-world boys heading off to Phillips or Hotchkiss or Deerfield or wherever. Only there'd probably be way too much focus on cleaning charms and silence charms for it to be entirely useful.) This particular story goes for that perennial favorite: the showers. Wanking, watching, water: it's a classic slash trifecta! What's not to love? (Oh, come on, admit you love it. Like you wouldn't read every story in a challenge built around those three words. Or maybe that's just me, in which case - well, you folks already knew I was a pervert, so I refuse to apologize.)

Best FF Featuring a Canoe Being Put to a Use I Am Quite Sure Its Manufacturers Did Not Intend: Cover. During a Shootout, of Course. The Sporting Life, by Speranza, aka

cesperanza. Due South, Ray Kowalski/Ray Vecchio. This is actually the second in a series; the first one is Breaking Cover. It isn't necessary to read the first to get the second - I mean, if you're familiar with the concept of masturbation, you'll be fine - but it is fun. This is short, but it packs quite a wallop, and Speranza really makes the unusual setting work. (One of the many reasons I love dS: I can think of relatively few fandoms in which sex during a shootout in a sporting goods store would work, but in dS anything works, as long as it's weird enough. Or funny enough. Or, ideally, both.) And I know I've said bad things about stories in which Ray Kowalski is called Stanley, but this showcases one of the exceptions: when Vecchio is being dismissive. And, as Vecchio learns, you don't just write off Kowalski. He won't let you. Really, I think this story is the living definition of "safe even for hardcore F/K shippers," but because there's one extremely persuasive person out there I know I won't convince, I will, as always, provide a Certified Safe Alternate Story.

-Or-

Best FF Featuring a Pillow Being Put to a Use I Am Relatively Certain It Didn't Mind. And I Can't Actually Think of Anything Not Perverse to Say About That. Fighting, by

kassrachel. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. The theme of this pair of unsafe/safe recs is "flashfiction by two of the grande dames of the fandom." My subtle point here is, if you read dS, you should be reading

ds_flashfiction, because great stories are posted there, often faster than I can rec them. So why wait? (And if you aren't in dS or one of the other fandoms that has a flashfiction community, you should start one. What, like you were going to do something non-fansmut-related in the next half-hour? Of course you weren't. So you might as well do something constructively smutty; it's getting the best of both worlds, really.) To get back to this story - which, you know, is technically the point of this part of the rec, even if I usually act like I don't know it - here we have a certain entirely normal and documented reaction to the endorphins triggered by physical combat put to a lovely slashy use. And I think you'll agree that the only thing better than boys being boys is when that's immediately followed by boys doing boys.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

♥ the wankfic!

But mostly I am just stopping by to say I am thinking of you. I keep starting return email, but RL is kicking my ass really hard, both in the I-should-be-doing-a-million-other-things and in the I'm-so-fucking-down-all-I-wanna-do-is-read-comfort-fic-and-eat-comfort-food senses.

*hugs*

May be down your way next weekend but still unsure. Who will watch the dogs? Augh.

Well, you could always bring the dogs with you...

And sorry to hear about RL. It's been beating *up* on you lately, and I fully intend to give it a kick on your behalf when I see you next. In the meantime, don't worry about responding to the Ludicrously Long Email; I want you to, yes, but you can wait on that. And if you want someone to talk to/bitch at/provide sympathy for your RL battles, feel free to - yes! - start a new email.

*HUGS*

Thinking of you.

Have you read

mellyflori's Aubrey/Maturin wankfic?

No! And I'd love to. Unfortunately, while I've found some files that seem to be ficcish, they are all locked. Am I in the wrong place, looking for these?

You might be, but the fic in question is Here.

Ooo. Thanks.

It is truly a classic form. In fact, it is to fan fiction what iambic pentameter is to poetry: common yet satisfying, just structured enough to inspire without in any way constraining the brilliance of the author.

What a way to wake up; spluttering coffee all over my new keyboard ;)

Well, I feel smug. And now I can check off "made someone spit coffee at her keyboard" on the LJ Scavenger Bingo board. If I can just get someone to spit some beverage out her nose, I'll be eligible win of the little prizes!

Well, Spike and Angel are both assumed names. :) As are Darla and Drusilla, for that matter.

Amusingly, Spike and Angel were both originally named William. I'm sure we didn't get a last name for Spike and I can't recall getting one for Angel.

Chloe's last name is Sullivan.

OK, but when Spike and Angel got to this country, did they fly Vamp-by-Night airlines? Because, you know, they'd need ID to board a commercial flight, and for ID you need a last name.

Just seems like it'd be a lot easier to have the last name in place when needed. And shouldn't the Watchers' Council know their last names? They know the circumstances of them being turned, after all.

(And, you know, I'd kind of hoped that someone else named Angel. Because naming oneself that is just very...well, I can't exactly put my finger on it, but let's just say it says a lot about him that has been totally borne out by canon.)

Thanks on the Sullivan! I knew there were Luthors and Lanes and Kents floating around in SV - as it should be - but Sullivan is new to me.

In defence of Angel, it was his evil alter-ego who accquired the name Angelus (for it was Highly Ironic and Angelus thinks Much of Himself). And the watchers went right along with it... "Angelus: the one with the angelic face."

And I think you'll agree that the only thing better than boys being boys is when that's immediately followed by boys doing boys.

Oh, I love that line! Mind if I quote you?

Sure, go right ahead. (Quote it where, though? It's not like a line of universal of applicability or anything.)

Hello. Where have you gone? Are you ill (again)? Did the house explode (again)? Did the Ficus from Hell finally tear up all your plumbing, creep its way into your house, and murder you all in your beds, in a strange bid to take over the world (or at least Southern California)?

:-D

Um, yeah. Hi.

I'm here. I'm just, um. See, when I let a few days go by without recommending anything, because for example I've chosen to waste precious hours sleeping instead of writing or reading, my Suppressed Inner Critic becomes not so suppressed, and then I find myself reading my in-progress posts with ever-increasing hatred. This makes it hard to post things.

In really bad cases, I start reading old posts. At that point, there's nothing for it but to write something entirely different, or as different as it gets in this LJ - in other words, something that won't make me cringe because it reminds me of all the other crap I've written. Most of my Fandoms I Have Loved and rant posts get written during these phases.

I'm in the throes of an unusually bad case of Raging Inner Critic, and it's taken me longer than usual to come up with a not-rec post. I'm writing that now, though, so you may expect an eleventh-hour return from me - soonish.

You know, I'm actually sort of sorry I got rid of the Evil Zucchini Overlords; I'd like to introduce my Critic to them. Ah, well. I'm sure an essay filled with random bitchery will silence the Critic almost as effectively. Yay, random bitchery!

Yay, random bitchery! YAY!

Okay, that's good. You're not dead. I assume that this means that Best Beloved is also not dead? That's good as well. Whew.

I'm sorry that Raging Inner Critic has taken over your life, but I have to ask: what do you write that's as different from LJ as possible? Wait, are YOU the one that's responsible for those horrible programming instructions that come with VCRs? ;-)

Best Beloved is definitely not dead. Alive and - well, groggy right now, and getting ready for work. But alive. Which is a very, very good thing.

Wait, are YOU the one that's responsible for those horrible programming instructions that come with VCRs? ;-)

Oh, god. Until you asked that, I had completely forgotten that I, the original No Smut Writing Girl, did write smut once.

When I was in college, I had the unenviable task of writing an introduction to internet use for incoming freshmen. It was hard, because I'd have to take a basic task I'd been doing forever and pick it apart, think of all the ways that someone could screw it up. And it took forever, because I only had so many pages, so I'd have to write a section and then find a way to keep all the content and sense and still cut it in half.

In a can't-take-it-anymore fit, I spent one entire afternoon rewriting one entire section as smut. Computer/removable storage media, computer/user, and internet/user is how we'd describe it now.

So I think it's safe to say that if I was responsible for VCR user manuals, they'd be noticeably different.

WOW.

Seriously? You may be the most interesting person I know. In all honesty. And I mean that in the most complimentary way possible.

Meanwhile, I sent you e-mail like an eon ago, and I have so much more to tell you, so be looking for another one soon...

The memorycharm journal is now locked, but you can still find the fic at http://memorycharmed.livejournal.com/5562.html

Slashy Nominations 85: Masturbation Is a Democratic Pleasure

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Slurp.

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