thefourthvine | Slashy Awards 139: Woman Is the Future of Man

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Slashy Awards 139: Woman Is the Future of Man

Okay, first, a public service advisory: I am having a blast bidding on the folks over at Sweet Charity (and this despite the fact that that site is responsible for the way "Sweet Caroline" keeps boinging through my head, killing brain cells and generally laying waste to my fragile neurochemical makeup as it goes). Mostly, I'm bidding on vidders, 'cause who hasn't wanted a personal vidder? I'd take that over a personal chef any day.

But here's the thing: you people don't want me to win a vidder. It's better for us all if I don't. Because every time I bid on one, I say to myself, "Yes...and if I win her, I will ask for SGA set to The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything. That will be my first choice, I think. Yes." And it's a different idea every time I bid, and it's always a terrible idea, and frankly I think you all owe it to the world to go out there and overbid me.

If you don't, I don't want to hear any whining later on.

And now, on to the recommendations. (Yes, I know: actual recommendations. It's a stunning, stunning thing.)

I've been feeling kind of, well, bummed lately. Don't know why. Sometimes the squee just doesn't happen. So when I went to write up this set, I thought to myself: what brings the sunshine back to my fannish day? And the answer was, of course: crack. Crack makes everything better.

So I wandered over to the to-be-recommended crack stories and noticed that there was a set that was not marked rec'd that I really thought I'd already done. Genderswitch and genderfuck stories? Is this ringing anyone's bells? Because it's ringing mine, and yet I can't find the set where I recommended these. So I'm going to assume I'm having some weird posting version of deja vu (I guess that'd be deja...huh. What word do people use in French to describe the act of posting to one's journal or blog?), and just plunge ahead with the posting. Let me know if I'm wrong, though, huh?

The Story That Really Makes a Disturbing Amount of Sense, When You Think About It, and Wow. What Does That Say About SGA? Human Vacillation, by

trinityofone. Stargate: Atlantis, John Sheppard/Rodney McKay. And, okay, I don't want to spoil this one too much, so can I just kind of, I don't know, talk around this story rather than about it? (Yes, fine, go right ahead and say it. "That's what you always do anyway." Thank you very much.) What I can say is that for once we have a minor character changing sexes. (I mean, relatively minor - we're not talking about that Canadian, um, you know, console guy or anything*.) Which is interesting to me because we get the reaction not from the point of view of the character (and, damn, writing this is hard because pronouns just totally suck monkeys in English) who has been genderswapped, but from the bystanders.

This story is also very, very much worth reading from a stylegeek perspective. See, when you start it - or, okay, when I started it the first time I read it - it seems kind of slow, kind of like there are parts missing. (And not just Lorne's parts. Yes, I did have to say that. I did.) And then there's this moment of epiphany, and suddenly it becomes very, very interesting. At which point you can go back and read the beginning part and it won't be dull at all. I've read this story maybe three dozen times to track the reasons why that happens and the things that change meaning, and it's fascinating. To me, anyway.

The Story Featuring Daniel Jackson Among the Women. Going Native, As It Were. This Is the Alternative, by

scrollgirl. Stargate: SG-1, Jack O'Neill/Daniel Jackson. This is a two-for-the-price-of-one genderswitch story - Jack and Daniel both get switched (and the story doesn't really say how, but after all this time reading SGA, all I could think was, "Oh, those wacky Ancients"). Daniel, of course, views it this as the ultimate anthropological opportunity: he will live among the women and discover their arcane rituals. (And also paint his toenails.) Jack, on the other hand, pulls an Achilles and spends three days sulking in the Colorado Springs equivalent of his tent. (And, yes, then they have sex. You can trust me, people; when I rec a story that should have sex in it, by god, the sex will be there.) Classic genderswitch, my friends, classic. (And I find it interesting, too, that Jack is probably the oldest character I've seen swapped - I mean, biological age, not chronological, 'cause I've seen girl Spike and so on. Gives rise to a lot of gender and age related random geekery that I'll spare y'all.)

So I have, obviously, a whole bucket of love for this story. (I love the Daniel Goodall thing more than words can express. I once even wrote a comment on this story with extracts from his Secret Field Research Journal: "Today, the 'pod' of women has accepted me as its own. Perhaps I will at last be able to divine the mysteries behind the ritual known as the 'chick flick.'" I deleted the comment without posting it, thank god, but I will totally own my dorkishness in just writing it at all.) But I also have love for the other story I see lurking inside it. Because I totally want to see the AU version, where Sam and Teal'c got genderswapped. Because, okay - Teal'c would make a fucking fabulous woman, and Sam would get a good, solid, first-hand look at how much easier things are in her chosen fields - science, the military - when you're male. So, really, this story is not just two genderswaps but also two loves for the price of one. Economical and fun.

The Story That at Last Answers the Burning Question: What Would a Mountie Do If He Was Sent to Buy Panties for His Temporarily Girl-Parts-Enhanced Boyfriend? Girls, Girls, Girls, by

brooklinegirl. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. And this, right here, is why I will always love dS. Because BLG starts off this story with, "for reasons that didn't need exploring at this juncture, Ray had breasts." And every dS fan in the world nods and is just fine with that - thinks, like, "Okay. Probably some kind of Inuit story or magical realism thing in there, but no big deal, no need to explore it at this juncture. Ray has breasts. Fine and dandy." You have to love a fandom in which explanations are totally optional. (I suspect that you could start off a story with, "For reasons that didn't need exploring at this juncture, Ray was a zebra, and he just hoped like Christ he wasn't in the Chicago Zoo, because he was living outdoors now, and it was September, and if Fraser didn't get his ass to this zoo soon, well, Ray didn't want to have to live through a Chicago winter outdoors as a zebra. Far as he could tell, they weren't designed for the cold." And everyone would be like, "Okay, cool, zebra. I can go with that.")

You also have to love a fandom that can produce so much excellent genderfuck in the first place. Because when

ds_flashfiction started the genderfuck challenge, I said: "Not for me." But then people started writing it, so of course I had to read it, and it turned out that I can get down with the random assorted parts swappage. (Just another boundary forever destroyed by fan fiction!) And this, actually, is the story that made it happen. I read the Very Special Note about beta-reading and I had to read the story. And when I was finished with this, I had to go read everything else in this challenge, and then loads of genderfuck in other fandoms. Which led, absolutely and completely, to this post. (Yup, this does mean you should blame

brooklinegirl if you don't like the topic of this post. Not my fault! Hers!)

The Vid That Turns Grey Skies to Blue. Blue Skies Filled with Men in Drag Flying Via Parasol, to Be Precise. Holding out for a Hero, by

marycrawford. Hercules: the Legendary Journeys, and, um. Hercules/the Widow Twanky? Yeah, that's pretty much the pairing, I guess. So, okay. This is a vid, not fan fiction. And you need to download it right now. Don't even try to get out of it by saying you don't like Hercules, or you don't know from Hercules, or you get hives when you watch Holding out for a Hero vids, because, seriously. This vid is the best thing ever. Don't download it for the song, people, or for the characters: download it for the breakdancing demigod and the sequined matador outfit and the giant bitey snake head of doom. (Don't miss the flatly terrified expression on Hercules's face when he's being touched by girls, either.) Most of all, download it for its mood elevating effect, because, seriously, if you tried to score this on the Joy-Inducing Pharmaceuticals Scale, it would end up in the "strictly illegal but seriously fun" category. Get the vid now before the FDA takes it off the market!

Also, I want you to think about this: I'm recommending a vid in a genderfuck set. Which means that there has to be some kind of canonical genderfuckery, since we can't randomly swap parts in and out on the characters in the actual source. (Soon, my pets, soon; the technology just isn't there yet.) And I - I don't know, cannot even imagine what possible rational plotline could have produced the Widow Twanky (or most of the other shots in here), but I don't need to be able to. (There's also canonical speciesfuck, apparently, as Hercules is transformed into a pig in a clip in this vid. English has no words sufficient to express my glee at the pig's little Hercules costume.) I can just watch this and revel in the pure, pure cheesy goodness of it, and also apparently the series from whence it came. (Which - wow. It makes Wisconsin look totally cheeseless. It's like our nation's secret stockpile of truly excellent cheese, stored up for a time when the world is sad and lonely and bereft of dairy goods.) And you should, too. Go forth and download. You'll thank me later.

-Footnote-
* Although that'd be hysterical: all the minor characters on Atlantis change sexes. I can picture the senior staff meeting now:

Weir, looking tense: "Maybe a counseling program? Group therapy?"

Sheppard, looking helpless: "The Marines keep coming to me because we don't have enough regulation bras. What am I supposed to do? And one of them tried to hug me yesterday. A Marine tried to hug me."

McKay, looking like someone who has just solved a challenging crossword puzzle: "You know, I thought something was different around here!"

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My latest weird idea was a vid of the Beach Boys "Be True to Your School" from the early Buffy seasons. So, see, you are not alone.

Teal'c would make a fucking fabulous woman

...

......

Oh, God, he would. And he'd be all issue-laden about it, because let's face it, Teal'c, he has the women issues sometimes. And Daniel and Sam would be fascinated, and Jack would be... either terrified or really, really attracted. Possibly both. I'm not sure.

Man, if only my

tealc_ficathon assignment allowed for this! I mean, it could, but it'd be a real stretch though now I'm tempted to try.

(Yup, this does mean you should blame [info]brooklinegirl if you don't like the topic of this post. Not my fault! Hers!)

*beams*

and dude, YES, we have, at its core, Paul Fucking Gross to wave for a very great deal of the hand-waving we are able to do regarding things like "plot" and "logic" and "coherent story lines" in DS. It makes fic writing so much more fun! You just MAKE SHIT UP and it doesn't matter how crack-worthy it is, you can read it and go, "...yeah, that could be an ep."

*dances* You reccing my genderfuck fic is going to make nancy CRY and CRY.

I read the Very Special Note about beta-reading and I had to read the story.

oh - was it MY PAIN that led you to reading it? because, YAY!

seriously? I dont think ANY beta I ever do again EVER will be able to compete with:

Hi. My name is Run-On Sentence. Can you fix me please?

SOMETIMES I LOVE ME!

I would kill to read Daniel's field notes. Especially his observations on pack behavior as it applies to restrooms. And the day he ~~pisses Sam and Janet off~~ gets a bikini wax.

if I win her, I will ask for SGA set to The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything. That will be my first choice, I think. Yes."

That particular idea is a wonderful idea. WONDERFUL.

It's like our nation's secret stockpile of truly excellent cheese, stored up for a time when the world is sad and lonely and bereft of dairy goods.

I read that last part as dairy gods. "Where have all the good men gone and where are all the dairy gods?" :)

I'm tryin' my best to win

_happyme_, cause she can vid Ripley, no I mean Ivanova, no no wait make that Janeway. Oh my god, maybe she would put them all together in one vid..................................................................................

oh, sorry I drifted into a dream world there for a minute. Ahem. Move along, nothing to see here.

I see nothing even remotely wrong with that. In fact, I have developed a sudden, intense craving for that.

Of course, I wanted to see SGA vidded to a Veggie Tales song, so probably we should just consider this independent verification that you are, in fact, crazy.

(But, come on, tell me there's not a world of clips you could use for "just like you would to your girl." And you could end it with the school blowing up!)

(And, huh. I just realized I've never actually heard that song; I've only ever heard my father sing it. That's...odd. Now I'm trying to figure out how many Beach Boys songs I've actually heard sung by them.)

OMG WRITE IT WRITE IT PLEASE.

Because I just realized that, yes, that is exactly what I find so fascinating about the Teal'c and Sam genderswap: you're swapping the two people who have actual gender issues - not, like, gender identity disorder, but gender defines a lot of their lives. From what I can tell, Jaffa have a highly gender-stratified society, and Teal'c probably has a lot of leftover-from-Prime-days beliefs on what Jaffa women should do. (Because why would he have to change them? Until, you know, he was one.) And, just generally - oh, it'd be so cool. And you would be the perfect person to write it. I would understand Jaffa a million times better when you were done.

*swoons just from imagining the coolness*

(I suspect that you could start off a story with, "For reasons that didn't need exploring at this juncture, Ray was a zebra, and he just hoped like Christ he wasn't in the Chicago Zoo, because he was living outdoors now, and it was September, and if Fraser didn't get his ass to this zoo soon, well, Ray didn't want to have to live through a Chicago winter outdoors as a zebra. Far as he could tell, they weren't designed for the cold." And everyone would be like, "Okay, cool, zebra. I can go with that.")

AHAHAHAHA.

(1) You are (as so often is the case) truly correct.

(2) I SO want you to write this now. I really, really, really do.

*gives you whacking great dose of Large Adorable Kitty Eyes of Doom*

Also:

Gives rise to a lot of gender and age related random geekery that I'll spare y'all.

As a charter member of the old-and-getting-older fandom club, I personally would be very interested in hearing more about this from you. No pressure (I'm saving that for the zebra story) - just saying.

It makes fic writing so much more fun! You just MAKE SHIT UP and it doesn't matter how crack-worthy it is, you can read it and go, "...yeah, that could be an ep."

Oh, honey. I will never understand why SGA doesn't appeal to you - I mean, sure, the show isn't much, but you can do anything you want in the FF. It's the natural next step for dS fans!

But, yeah, that's what I love about dS fandom, all right: you can have these fabulous, tightly-plotted, thoughtful stories (with optional sexfest on the side), and then you can...well. You can, for example, decide that Ray is the second coming of Noah and Fraser is clearly destined to be Mrs. Noah, and the fandom will be like, "Yes! Lovely! I'm right there with you on the whole ark thing!" (I, um. Did that. As my first dS story, posted under another name. And no one even threatened to hurt me. God, I love that fandom.)

You reccing my genderfuck fic is going to make nancy CRY and CRY.

She's writing WB RPS these days. She is in no position to judge. *nods firmly*

(I had to use my bra head icon here. I'm not even sure why; it just...felt right, somehow.)

SOMETIMES I LOVE ME!

And well you should. And well you should.

oh - was it MY PAIN that led you to reading it? because, YAY!

Yup! I thought to myself, wow, poor Estrella suffered for this story, even as she was finding it inexplicably hot. A story that can simultaneously torture and turn on Estrella - that's a story I need to read.

And it was true. I did need to read it. So, really, I profited from your pain.

*wins*

(Wow. Yet another appropriate use for this icon.)

See, I had a blast writing up Daniel's field notes, but they broke the comment limit, and also, I was probably violating major swathes of fannish etiquette, there. So it's just as well I didn't post the comment.

But you are so very right about the bathrooms that now I want to write up the pack behavior entry, complete with thoughtful comparisons between male and female restroom behavior and several coded notations of secrets revealed to Daniel during "restroom-based pack-strengthening ritual bonding sessions built around functions and knowledge common to all females and inherently exclusive of all males."

...I love you so much right now. This is an awesome rec set, I started laughing maniacally when I read the footnote, and it only got worse when I hit the Ray-zebra snippet. Which sounds so terribly Ray...

Also, I agree about Human Vacillation - it's something that works so much more interestingly the second time through, which should happen immediately after finishing it the first time and being hit on the head with a board. Or something.

*beams*

And, and, and - the lyric:

Well, I've never plucked a rooster
And I'm not too good at ping-pong
And I've never thrown my mashed potatoes up against the wall
And I've never kissed a chipmunk
And I've never gotten head lice
And I've never been to Boston in the fall

That's Rodney! No, really! Wait - see, the ping-pong, that'd be shooting, and the chipmunk would be Carson, and...come back. Where are you going? I have much more of this concept to babble about!

Completely unrelated to this post, I just have to say a big thank you for all your previous Sentinel recs -- I just got hooked on the show and spent the last couple of weeks reading everything you'd rec'd over the years. Such a fun fandom!

Thanks for more awesome recs!

And I - I don't know, cannot even imagine what possible rational plotline could have produced the Widow Twanky (or most of the other shots in here), but I don't need to be able to.

Um, I can explain Widow Twanky and Herc the pig if you want me to. It's been awhile since I saw HtLJ but I remember the basics. And you gotta love Twanky!

And I've never licked a spark plug
And I've never sniffed a stinkbug
And I've never painted daises
On a big red rubber ball

And I've never bathed in yogurt
And I don't look good in leggings
(You just don't get it.)
And we've never been to Boston in the fall!

Anyone with enough mental sickness and time on their hands, that is:

Assorted Xena-angst: The Who, "Behind Blue Eyes"

Xena and Ares' relationship: Aretha Franklin, "Chain Of Fools"

Sleeping Faith clips from Buffy and Angel: Mojo Nixon, "Girlfriend In A Coma"

It's probably for the best that I haven't yet branched out from ficcing to vidding.

"Where have all the good men gone and where are all the dairy gods?"

And it still works for Hercules: "Clearly, the dairy gods have smiled upon you, fair Hercules, 'cause this is cheese-tastic."

I'm tryin' my best to win _happyme_, cause she can vid Ripley, no I mean Ivanova, no no wait make that Janeway. Oh my god, maybe she would put them all together in one vid.

*whimpers*

I want

_happyme_, too. But I want her for Angel vidding purposes. (And the sad part is, I'm not even sure what song I'd want, because I have so many to choose from, although I suspect it might be something by Elvis Costello. "Watching the Detectives" or "Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood." Even "What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love, and Understanding?" would be fabulous. Unless I went with a Buffy vid and "Love Stinks.") Because, um. I don't even know who Ivanova and Janeway are. (Unless you mean Janeway from The Marathon Man, but...no, I'm guessing you don't, especially as I'm guessing that character didn't make it into the movie. At least, not as written.)

And I'm just sad that no one is offering Oz. Because, see, I can only consume Oz via vids - the real show is much too intense for me - and hardly anyone ever makes Oz vids. And yet every single song on earth becomes witty and cynical when applied to Oz source. (Latest shameful Oz idea: "Bitch," by, um, whoever it was. Because, for example, the verse:

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

is just very meaningful when applied to Beecher/Keller.)

Thanks so much for the Hercules vid rec. As Hercules and Xena at their best, it was fun in a sweet, outrageous, damn-the-torpedoes, totally larger-than-life way.

I SO want you to write this now. I really, really, really do.

For you, sweetling, I might even try, but it'd be the back end of forever before you saw any of it. So instead, I will offer you a short extract from further on in the story:

~

Ray rolled his eyes and whinnied in relief when he smelled Fraser leaning up against the enclosure wall. Fuck, he thought, I'm smelling my partner now. I gotta get out of here. But he was already galloping toward the damn wall, and they had, like, a big moat-thing that Ray could no way jump, but he stood right on the edge of it and stared at Fraser, thinking: It's me, Fraser. Figure it out. Because if you can't get me out of here, I'm gonna have to fight Bob.

Fraser's eyes widened, and Ray could see his nostrils flare slightly and his tongue come out to touch his lip. And then, as much as was possible with the crowds around the enclosure - miracle zebra my ass, Ray thought, did you guys ever think maybe I'm not a real zebra? - Fraser leaned forward and said, confidentially, "Ray?"

Ray nodded his head violently and made some of those gross snorting noises.

A huge smile split Fraser's face. "Ray," he said in more normal tones. "We've all been very concerned, and when even Diefenbaker wasn't able to pick up a trail, well, we - we feared the worst. But then I saw your picture in the paper. The miracle zebra plan was very clever, Ray." And that settled it; Ray was never, ever going to tell Fraser just how much of a stupid accident that had been.

Fraser was starting to get weird looks from the people around him, Ray noticed. A mother was gesturing at her kids, obviously warning them to get away from the big crazy Mountie. Ray couldn't hold back a dismissive whinny.

Fraser picked up on it and looked around. "Uh, Ray, I believe, given the rather public setting, that I should cut this short, especially as - yes, Zoo security is coming toward me."

Ray tried with everything in his extremely not-talking body to say, Wait, Fraser, what about getting me the fuck out of here? And Fraser got it, which made Ray love him so much that he swore he'd never give him a hard time about Dief or call him Dr. Doolittle ever again.

He said, "Ray, I'll send Dief for you tonight. Try to keep him from actually entering the enclosure, if possible; I really don't want a repeat of the cheetah incident." Two big security guards came up next to him. "And I will see you later. In the meantime, Ray, please take care of yourself, and try not to get into any mating battles - you're a Grevy's, and they can be dangerous, so--"

One of the security guards placed a hand on Fraser's shoulder. "Hey, buddy," he said. "What say we go talk about this somewhere quiet?"

"Certainly, if you wish. Let me just finish saying goodbye to my friend, if I may?" Fraser gave them the big-eyed Fraser Stare, and by god, it worked. The security guy nodded just a little.

"I'll come back for you, Ray, and in the meantime, wait for Dief and do nothing hasty; you're very sturdy, but you could easily be hurt if you tried to get out of there." Ray nodded and tried to radiate 'message received.' Fraser turned to the security guard. "Gentlemen?"

Ray watched Fraser 'til he was out of sight, then turned and galloped to the back of the enclosure, wondering vaguely what a Grevy's was, and if there was any new hay yet. Behind him, he could hear the clicking of a bunch of cameras. Huh. Guess a lot people want pictures of my butt, he thought.

~

As a charter member of the old-and-getting-older fandom club, I personally would be very interested in hearing more about this from you. No pressure (I'm saving that for the zebra story) - just saying.

Ooo, that'd be cool. Maybe via email or something? 'Cause I doubt my thoughts are structured enough for Fandom at Large right now.

OMG, you have the perfect icon for commenting on this post.

*admires*

...I love you so much right now.

*beams*

it only got worse when I hit the Ray-zebra snippet.

I wrote a tiny bit more of it up thataway for Queue. Apparently I have a deep, unconscious need to write my favorite characters as animals. (I also have, still and alway sin progress, a Timbat story, in which Tim Drake is turned into a wombat. It is very dear to my heart, because never has there been a character better prepared for coping with sudden wombathood. Plus, I get to use lines like "Batman and Wombat," which is more than enough reason for writing right there.)

it's something that works so much more interestingly the second time through, which should happen immediately after finishing it the first time and being hit on the head with a board.

Totally, and I find this fascinating. Because I am, you know, a geek.

Although, in all honesty, I have to confess that I skipped the hit-on-the-head-with-a-board step. ...Do you think it's mandatory? Because, really, I whack my head on stuff often enough that I don't want to do any extra whacking. Unless it's for sound, sensible, fic-related reasons, of course.

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Slashy Awards 139: Woman Is the Future of Man

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Vidbunnies for anyone

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