Post: They Are ALL Secretly Judging Me

[thefourthvine]

I just went to make an addition to our Netflix queue, and I was - okay. Does this happen to anyone else? You look at the movies/books/whatever that a given service (Netflix and Amazon are my two big offenders, here, as we don't have TiVo or even, you know, anything for a TiVo to record) suggests for you, and you think, "Have I injured this service in some way? Is this a deliberate insult? Or does Netflix [or whoever] really think I am this person?"

For me, that is usually followed, a microsecond later, by, "...Oh, god. Am I this person?"

The first blink of the day was caused by Netflix's showcased recommendation: The Founding Fathers: The Men Who Shaped Our Nation. There are several dozen reasons why I am extremely unlikely to watch this DVD, ever. But, fine, whatever, perhaps Netflix is just feeling unusually patriotic or something. Except, well, Netflix claims that we will enjoy this movie because we enjoyed The Reduced Shakespeare Company. Not the same thing, Netflix! Unless The Founding Fathers has a comedy bent that is very, very well hidden in the description.

So, fine. Apparently Netflix feels that I need to be a little more serious in my cultural consumption. Less humor, more history. All right. This is something I can hear and remain calm. I can handle constructive criticism. (I can. Really!)

It was in this mood - noble martyrdom, basically, with a side order of pretending not to be miffed - that I clicked on the Movies You'll ♥ tab. I have instinctively avoided this since they introduced it, on the grounds that that kind of imperative statement gets my back up. "Oh," I think. "I will ♥ this, will I? HAH. I FLATLY REFUSE TO ♥ ANYTHING. That will show them." This is not healthy behavior, and generally I try to suppress it. But since I was already fairly ruffled, plus violently hormonal, plus seriously short on sleep, I decided to click.

(You may, at this juncture, be questioning my decision. Feel free. It's just - sometimes you know you'll regret it, and you click anyway, and before you tell me you never do that, I want you to think about the time you clicked on goatse.)

So. The top movies I will (by order of Netflix) ♥ are:

1. Brokeback Mountain
   
2. Angels in America
   
3. House, MD
   
4. C.R.A.Z.Y.
   
5. Street Fight
   
6. The World According to Sesame Street

So, in order, we have:

1. A gay-themed cowboy movie that I already specifically told Netflix I did not want to see. (You may indeed call me a bad fan AND a bad person of alternative sexual orientation AND a cultural boor, if you like. I don't care. I've read the short story, and that, frankly, was enough. See also: hormonal weepiness. When just the thought of the shirt scene makes me sniffly, I know to avoid the movie.)
   
   
2. An AIDS-themed miniseries that I very much suspect is subject to the same hormonal weepiness ban.
   
   
3. A show about two doctors in love. With lots of cancer in the background. Can I just - can I just have a quick word with Netflix, here? DEAR NETFLIX: I CRIED FIVE TIMES OVER AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER. I CANNOT BE WATCHING THINGS WHERE PEOPLE DIE OF CANCER OR AIDS OR HATE CRIME. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PROMPT ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.
   
   
4. A movie that, going by the summary, is about growing up gay in Canada in the arms of David Bowie and Mick Jagger. I'll admit that Netflix has piqued my interest here, except after the first three, I suspect that this is about growing up gay in Montreal and, like, volunteering to work with terminally ill angels in Stetsons. See what happens when you aren't thoughtful with your suggestions, Netflix? My trust just isn't there anymore.
   
   
5. A documentary about a mayoral election. In Newark, NJ. I mean, I'm sure it was a fascinating election, but there is a certain discontinuity, here.
   
   
6. A documentary about a children's show I have never seen and know nothing about except that it has something to do with muppets and a large yellow bird.
   

But I will give Netflix credit for identifying at least one of my interests. I would call that interest "the gay." It's just that the accompanying message appears to be, "Enough with the gay, already. How about politics? Or, hell, how about the politics of children's programming? ANYTHING. SERIOUSLY. GET A LIFE. A MUCH STRAIGHTER ONE."

So. Fascinated, I pushed on to the individual genres section.

See, the way this works is, you tell them what genres you prefer to watch (in our family, this is documentaries for me, TV and anime for Best Beloved, and classics and SF/fantasy for both of us), and they give more weight to items in those genres. Which, fine. I wasn't particularly delighted with their selections in those areas, except for an animated series called The Amazing Screw-On Head, which I added to our queue on the grounds that a) that is a truly awesome title and b) Best Beloved will be watching it, not me, so awesomeness of title is more than enough reason to get it.

And then I got to their suggested genres. These are, apparently, the ones they think we might like that we haven't rated yet. What genre does Netflix think we should watch? What specific genre does it feel is lacking from our current rental line-up? Faith and Spirituality. ("Rate more Faith and Spirituality movies, so we can give you more recommendations," it advised. We can't. We haven't seen any of them. This is unlikely to change, Netflix.)

So now the message is: you love the gay, but we think you need to develop more wholesome interests, like politics, large yellow birds, and religion. In other words: NETFLIX IS JUDGING ME.

I seethed via email to Best Beloved for a bit.

So, once you've worked up a certain amount of righteous indignation, it's obviously time to continue in that vein, yes? Which meant heading over to see what Amazon wants me to buy.

What does Amazon want me to buy? I'm glad you asked.

1. Every single yaoi manga ever published in the United States. Here's just a partial sampling: Love Mode, Yellow, Gravitation, Fake, Our Everlasting, La Esperanca, Shinobo Kokoro (seriously awesome slogan: "protecting the clan with some man-on-man" - that totally goes on my There Oughtta Be a Challenge manga tag lines list, which gets longer with every passing day), Gerard & Jacques (down, bandslashers!), The Art of Loving (not, as it sounds, one of those unfortunate '50s-era marital advice books), Wild Rock (the blurb says, in part: "can these star-crossed lovers get behind each other to stop the long-standing family feud?" - um, yes, we already GOT that it was yaoi, no need to include the gratuitous buttsex joke), Sweet Revolution (in which the seme possesses a "magical dagger" - that's yaoi for "healing cock," right?), Man's Best Friend (which does indeed involve gay sex with a magical transforming dog; this is why yaoi fandoms don't need crackfic, people), Lovely Sick - seriously, you would not believe the list of yaoi in my recommendations. Pages and pages. Some I'd never even heard of until today.
   
   And why am I supposed to consume this Time-Life Complete Yaoi Collection (attractively priced at only a bazillion dollars)? Because I bought a volume of Antique Bakery. Seriously. That's their whole reasoning behind this. This seems - I don't know. Disproportionate. I mean, okay, I love the gay as much as the next girl, but, but, but - one volume of Antique Bakery does not an entire library of yaoi manga make.
   
   And, really, if you're going to rec me yaoi manga, please don't just wholesale recommend the entire genre. Pick some especially solid ones and start there. Because, like - take Lovely Sick. Could be great, but it was apparently designed to hit every power imbalance squick I've ever had. Amazon, if you're going to rec me porn, at least pay attention to my particular porny needs!
   
   
2. NINE separate cleaning books. Eight of them are on organic cleaning around the home, including one called Clean House, Clean Planet. I know these are probably great books. The yaoi's probably good, too, at least some of it. But I still feel judged. Are you calling my house dirty, Amazon?
   
   Why, yes. I think you are. Feelings = hurt.
   
   They also want me to purchase a book called Baking Soda: Over 500 Fabulous, Fun, and Frugal Uses You've Probably Never Thought Of. See, now, I'm willing to believe there are many uses for baking soda that have never crossed my mind. Actually, I'm kind of proud of how little time I've invested, over the course of my life, in the development of novel baking soda applications. However, the title of this book, in such close company with all the gay manga, is taking me to some strange mental places, and now I must never think about baking soda again ever. Seriously. It's - I - just - no. (And the sad part is, if I'm thinking of it, some mangaka has probably already written it. Hide me!)
   
   
3. Science fiction and fantasy. This is entirely appropriate, and yet, taken in conjunction with everything else, is making me feel, um. A little pigeon-holed, typed, categorized, you know?
   
   
4. The complete works of Henry Jenkins and the whole fandom studies crowd. Aaaand the pigeon-holing is complete. Look, I am sure Henry Jenkins is a marvelous and fascinating writer. I've certainly liked what I've read by him. And I'm equally sure he's a wonderful person; I'll bet he donates money to homeless war orphan puppies with tragic ailments and so on. However, every single book he has ever written - plus all other books with "media" or "fan" in the title - seems excessive. It's like you're saying I have no life, Amazon!
   
   
5. Five books along the lines of Unforgettable Journeys to Take Before You Die.
   
   Yeah.
   
   Taken in conjunction with the previous items, I cannot help but interpret this as Amazon's gentle way of saying, "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, YOU PORN-LOVING GEEKY FANNISH SLOBBO. For the love of little apples, at least do something besides sit at that computer. You're wasting your life! What's left of it! Because you're probably going to die pretty soon, since your house is a total pigsty. Heavens to Betsy, what will the neighbors think?"

In short, Amazon has decided that the role it should play in my life is "demented, over-involved, hypercritical mother with an unhealthy and profoundly traumatizing interest in me reading porn."

Thank you, Amazon. I appreciate the thought, I really do. But NO. No, we do not have that relationship.

So, Netflix thinks I'm a gay moral degenerate (true!) who needs to take up an interest in politics and religion and the Amazing Screw-On Head. Amazon thinks I'm a fannish moral degenerate (also true!) who needs to for Christ's sake clean something and go somewhere already. I'm fine with them thinking I'm a porn-obsessed lesbian whore of Babylon - complimented by it, in fact. But the judgment, that is going too far.

It could just be the hormones. It really could. But my feelings are very, very hurt.

Which got me to thinking - yes, yes, there's a point to this entry! - am I the only one who reacts this way?

Poll time!

[Poll #985580]

Comments

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

*stares at you*

Okay. So those of us who are being neglected by Amazon, who are being told to read Frank Miller and really bad yaoi manga and 500 uses for BAKING SODA - we're all being neglected SO AMAZON CAN SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU. Giving you things you love. Letting you know it cares. Probably sending you loving emails, too.

Great. I feel so much better now. It isn't Amazon after all. It's ME. I am not enough to keep Amazon's interest! If I was a better, more interesting reader, Amazon recommendations would work for me.

Well. FINE.

*cuts up Amazon's photo and burns it*

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Amazon thinks me > you. *shrugs*. It's not paranoia if it's true, you know? Maybe you should see someone. You know, to get over this problem you have with just not being the favourite child. I think it's very selfish of you. I can't help being awesome.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

*sulks*

*pouts*

*defriends*

*insists that everyone rearrange things so that we don't ever have to sit at the same table*

(Note: I know we're not likely to sit at the same table, although soon you'll at least be on the same continent as me. But. IF WE EVER ARE, PEOPLE HAD BETTER BOW DOWN TO OUR FEUD AND KEEP US APART, DADGUMMIT. Or I will not be responsible for my actions. *fierce look*)

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

If we ever attend the same con, we must each have an entourage to check that we don't end up in the same room together, and to jump into our eyeline if the other comes into view. Because there will be DRAMA. And I will insist that everybody I know in fandom pick sides. They'll call it Amazongate! Bigger than msscribe! People will analyse it years afterwards, cataloguing the faked ISPs, the sockpuppets, the hate memes, the rival archives. And then I will end up alone and shunned, wandering from fandom to fandom under various pen names before being unmasked and forced to move on, consumed and twisted with bitterness. BUT AMAZON WILL STILL LOVE ME BETTER.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

So, do you want to make the post declaring that you are NOT NAMING NAMES but SOME PEOPLE obviously have a seriously inflated sense of self-importance, and can't take a joke, and are just mean, and you're not going to start drama but you just feel SO HURT? It's just - it's hard, some days, and it's not like you did anything, and you've been having a really hard time anyway, and...*sniffle*?

And then I will make the post about how wrong it is to make thinly-veiled accusations where everyone knows what's going on but then not have the balls to come out and say what you mean. Not that I expect anything else, from someone who always has to be everyone's darling. And also that this is really hard, coming right now of all times, and everyone KNOWS I have certain things going on in my life, and there are times when fandom just totally seems like the backstabbing girls from middle school.

And then we can start with the friendslocked posting!

*goes off to prepare Sockpuppet Army of Unusual Size*

Also, perhaps I should post a sign-up sheet for the entourage - I will need to grab people quickly, before you snaffle them all.

Eventually, we will both be shunned by all fandom! ...Which means we'll have no one to hang out with but each other. That isn't how this is supposed to go, is it? Am I getting something wrong? I want to do this right!

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

Gosh, this is much more complicated than I initially envisaged. Why aren't there protocols for this kind of thing? There should be handbooks! Like for duels! At least LJ has made it easier for us by making all the free LJ names easily accessible, we can strategically pick our sockpuppets.

Do we ask for donations for our sick baby nephews/nieces/cousins/siblings/selves now or later? But, dammit, your lack of health service gives you an unfair advantage there. Hmm, how many people in fandom have met you in RL? Because if you're going to stage your own death, I want to do it first.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

We totally need a fannish Code Wanko:

If a doubt exists about who started it, the decision rests with the wank observers, and must be made by IP logging, examination of public posts, and such other means as are available. If they won't decide, or can't agree, the matter must proceed to open sockpuppet warfare, or to reporting to ISPs and/or employers, if the challenger requires it.

It would take all the guesswork out of this. So much easier.

Also, I think you should get the pseudocide; I don't think I post enough for people to notice when I go dramatically missing. Make it extra-tragic, if you can; fandom loves it when people pretend to die to save orphaned nuns.

Obviously, we should begin stocking our wishlists now. I don't know much about how this is done, but I do know that gifts are involved. Perhaps we should try to start a tradition of a Wank Registry, so people can know exactly how to express their support with their credit cards: glitter pens, lip gloss, DVDs, laptops, whatever.

I believe I'll ask for a pony. Although I suppose you'll get the better gifts, with the faking-your-own-death thing.

*plots*

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but we'll need to nominate an independent wank observer. Or are they assigned by some sort of adjudicating body, like referees from the FA? Actually, if this code existed it would probably cut down wank wars massively, because they'd have to agree on a ref first.

Nonetheless, I'm working on my death notice:

"Hi. This is toft_froggy's brother. Some of you may know that my sister had a tragic, painful, chronic disease which she never told anyone about because she wanted to live life to the full and be selfless. This tragic cancer finally took her life yesterday after a long struggle. She collapsed while attempting to save a family of kittens from a pile of burning rubble on an impoverished estate in Glasgow. She then passed away peacefully in hospital with her famly by her side.

Toft always wanted to be buried near her grandmother's old cottage where we spent our happiest childhood years, in Cornwall. But as some of you may know, the cost of restoring my mother's artificial limbs has been crippling, and we have been living under desks in an internet cafe, from which Toft blogged in between stealing muffin crumbs to feed us. We made it up to Glasgow by the generosity of family friends, but we cannot trespass on them any more. We got as far as Dumfries carrying her on our backs, using a makeshift bier made from my mother's artificial limbs, but as some of you may know, the weather has been extremely hot recently.

Toft always spoke of your generosity and kindness, especially through the recent unkindness and misunderstandings which I know she deeply regretted and wept about at night under the cafe's single Mac. Help us convey her body to her final resting place. We've scraped together £50.64, and the Ford Focus Zetec Climate, which I'm told have adequate space and air conditioning for our needs, cost £12,595. Please. If you were a friend to Toft, help us lay her to rest the way she wanted."

Whaddaya think? Too much?