Gmail Ads Are Not My Friend

[thefourthvine]

During my recent unhinged breakdown over Netflix and Amazon's opinions of me, a number of you told me a) I was not alone and b) that various automated services were judging you.

This was extremely kind of you and made me feel much better. It is appreciated.

One thing I could not help but notice, though, is that many of you felt judged by Gmail or Google ads. This fascinated me. I've never felt judged by those things, but, well, I have a Gmail account and enough paranoia to go around. It seemed like a project was called for. (Look. I am trapped in a hotel room with dogs. You'd be bored, too.)

So, what has Gmail been trying to link me to lately? Here is the complete, exhaustive, annotated list:

Coffee Exposed - www.coffeefool.com - A shocking secret coffee co's don't want you to know

This is my Gmail default ad, or so it seems, based on the number of times I see it, and it's the primary reason I don't feel especially judged by Google Ads. (I judge the hell out of them, though, you bet. I mean, that apostrophe - that causes me physical pain.) Because, okay, there is just no way coffee companies care whether or not I know their shocking secret. (Which, by the way, is what, exactly - that they crossdress? That their beans are not shade-grown? That caffeine is addictive? That they stole a cupcake in second grade? I'm groping for a secret that coffee companies could have that would actually shock me. So far, nothing.) See, I don't drink coffee. Gmail, if you can't even figure out that basic fact about me, you really don't know me at all.

Although sometimes I wonder if Gmail is actually judging my correspondents. I tend to see that an awful lot across the top of makesmewannadie's emails and comments, for example, and when she's in my inbox, I'm much more likely to have that as my inbox ad. So, hey, maybe Gmail has moved past judging me and into judging my friends.

I'm surprisingly okay with that. MMWD, Gmail thinks you need to ease off on the coffee drinking!

Advanced Horse Exerciser - Exercise and condition horses of all ages safely.

Aaaaand from the one I see all the time to one I have never seen before and don't especially want to see again. I mean, seriously, horse exerciser? I don't have a horse. I wasn't talking about horses. I'm glad, in a vague and abstract way, that a product exists that allows horses of all ages to exercise (safely!), but - well. I'm not what you might call a primary market, here.

It made more sense back when I was getting dog training ads, which I did for a while during the height of the comments on the sweet potato story on littera_abactor. Horse exercising? Something of a reach, Gmail, though I appreciate the thought, and will mention it to any exercise-deficient horses I might encounter.

Write and Publish a Book - www.BookSurge.com - Through BookSurge, Amazon offers complete self-publishing services.

I'm eying you with violent suspicion right now, Amazon. Just FYI.

Macgyver Tee Shirts - www.cafepress.com - Phoenix Foundation logo t-shirts and Dalton Air tshirts $20/under.

I - just. Why, Gmail? Why? I realize there was a brief conversation with wyomingknott about MacGyver, but that was some time ago. You felt the ad would work best if you waited a week or two for me to research up on MacGyver before you offered me the t-shirt? Because, okay, that was good thinking, except it will take considerably more time for me to learn about this topic, so please get back to me with the ad no earlier than 2022. By then, I might have some idea what the Phoenix Foundation and Dalton Air are. (Watch. I will become obsessively fannish about this next week and you will all mock me openly.)

In the meantime, wyomingknott is probably a better market.

(Also, going from available sources, it would seem they are improperly capitalizing MacGyver. I'm not sure I'd buy a t-shirt from these people even if I did urgently want Phoenix Foundation memorabilia. And again with the punctuation agony. If you're going to pay for an ad, advertisers, maybe you could punctuate it correctly?)

Reuters: Oddly Enough - Naked US tourist shocks German city

I cannot begin to imagine why Gmail thought I'd care. I mean, if I knew the naked tourist, then maybe. (Did any of you take off your clothes in front of a German city recently? If you did, I want to know. With photos, if possible.) Otherwise, you have just offered me a link to a story that can be summarized as, "Dude, some random person got naked. In Germany!" This is not really what I consider news. If it was happening on Mars, it'd be news. If it was George W. Bush getting the urge to show Germans his manhood (run, German people!), it'd be news, although I can't say it'd be totally surprising news. But just some random person? That is not news. That is probably a college student.

Have A Cute 3 Year Old? - [URL redacted for skeeviness] - Easily Submit Your Baby Photos. Win Cash & Prizes. Free Membership!

CREEPY BEYOND ALL MEASURE. Ew, ew, EW. Let us speak no more of this. EVER.

ESPN.com - In progress: Rain-delayed Colonial resumes

I - should I know what this means? I'm guessing something to do with sports. Sports you cannot do in the rain. Possibly colonial sports? Like, um, basketball? Curling? Australian Rules Football? Revolution? But it's all just uneducated guessing, because, really, I have no idea why I should care.

And why you felt it necessary to put this on an email about Doctor Who, Gmail, will remain forever a mystery. Unless you were thinking: "Hey, it's email between a Canadian and an American. Surely they are interested in the breaking news on all things Colonial!" In which case, speaking only for myself - the Canadian will have to make her own decision - no. No, I am not.

Rotten Tomatoes: Movies - Orange Winter

This came from an email containing a link to a shoeblog post. And nothing else. Call me crazy, but I was expecting the ad to be FOR SHOES. (The side ads for this one, by the way, included my old friend Coffee Fool and a CFA test prep course. ALSO NOT SHOES.) These targeted ads are not, shall we say, exactly shooting through a laser sight, here.

International Herald Tribune - Britain deports Muslim preacher linked to 2005 bombings

This came from an email conversation about the etiquette of commenting on stories. I can only assume that Gmail divined that this was a complex and challenging topic fraught with strife, and attempted to find a story of commensurate gravity. In which case: you overshot just slightly, Gmail. This might've been a good time to whip out the Naked Guy in Germany story, though.

Are You a Slacker Mom? - www.AreYouASlackerMom.com - 15 fun questions to see what type of parenting style fits you!

This is the only ad besides Coffee Fool to appear on my most recent bout of emails with makesmewannadie. I - yeah, I think this was an attempt to judge MMWD, again. (For the record: she is not a slacker mom. I'm not even sure what one is, but I know she isn't.) Gmail, it is wrong to cast aspersions on my friends just because I spend more time with them than with you.

NYT Travel - 36 Hours in Moscow

I am never going to spend 36 hours in Moscow. Seriously. Either it's going to be more or it's going to be less; I am not flying to Russia to eat lunch, take a nap, and catch a movie. Perhaps the idea of 36 hours in Moscow is supposed to make me feel all jet-set and wonderfully flashy, but instead it makes me think: yes. And are you counting the time it would take to go through Customs and security? Because I estimate that at four hours - conservative, I think you'll all agree - or just over ten percent of the total time I'd be in the country. No. No, if I ever do that, it won't be because the NYT travel section told me to, but rather because the person holding one of my dogs hostage demanded that I do so. Or because I was paid large sums of money. Those are the only possible scenarios where this is ever going to happen, and in either case, I won't be needing the NYT's advice.

More interesting, though, is the question of how Gmail decided this was the perfect ad to append to Best Beloved's breathless report that David Hasselhoff has a new book out called, apparently, Don't Hassel the Hoff. (With link to the publicity page for said book, which - wow. Don't go there, people. It will hurt your brain far more than any Gmail ad link could hope to do.) Perhaps Gmail felt that after that, I'd probably want to get the hell out of the country for a bit, in which case, accurate assessment, but I think they could only reach me with 36 Hours in the Lesser Magellanic Cloud. That, my friends, I would totally click through. Especially with all this Hoff Hasseling (is that like cow tipping?) that's apparently happening these days on earth.

Yahoo! News: Entertainment News - Criminalist Lee's credibility challenged (AP)

I really couldn't care less, to be honest. What's fascinating to me is the sidebar ads on this one. Art by Grace Slick! Recording the Beatles! Midnight Special the live Rock n' Roll Concert Show! The Brother Brothers! (Supernatural fans, shush.) 70S [sic] Rock Music! Seriously, what this says to me is: spike21 brings terrifying things in her wake. Terrifying things with big, scary hair.

Puppies at Puppy Paradise - [URL redacted on account of evil] - $100 in Free Gifts with Purchase of Any Puppy Today!

This one depresses me so much that I'm just going to have to not talk about it.

Instead, I will note that this was on an email from cherryice, who taunted me with her much more entertaining Google ad, and let me just quote her directly, here:

Underwater Treadmills for small animals. From the world leader in canine UWTs

She says: What gets me about this -- what really gets me -- isn't even the Underwater Treadmill bit, so much. It's that there is a WORLD MARKET, a world market large enough to have a LEADER.

I would add to that that this gave me a mental image of either of my dogs on an underwater treadmill. And - okay, no, that would never work, because:

1. The LOOKS, oh my god the LOOKS of "Why are you doing this to me?" and "WOE, I suffer greatly" and "Behold, I am a poor bedraggled animal being tortured by monsters of cruelty. Someone save me!"
   
2. I cannot picture how I would keep my dogs - who spring merrily off the big treadmill-like dog scale at the vet's office and wander off to see if the other animals have any interesting diseases they'd like to share - on a treadmill, unless it was a treadmill with enclosed sides and a roof.
   
3. In which case - look, there's a name for an underwater treadmill with enclosed sides and a roof, and that name is James Bond Villain Torture Device. The market for canine-oriented James Bond Villain Torture Devices has to be - please, god, let it be - extremely limited. So when they say "world market," which parts of the world, exactly? I would like to know so I never spend 36 hours there.

ESPN.com - Stripper sentenced in NASCAR embezzlement case

Am I the only one waiting breathlessly for the movie treatment of this? Come ON. Stripper! NASCAR! Embezzlement! Tell me this is not going to be a major motion picture starring - oh, I don't know. Someone named Jennifer, probably - very soon. I am quite grateful to Gmail for giving me the heads-up on what is sure to be a fine piece of cinematic entertainment that I will not be seeing.

In the meantime, I have my questions about the actual story. Like, NASCAR, are you a bunch of morons? You handed your money to a stripper? In most places, when she takes the money, we don't call that embezzlement. We call it "accepting a tip." Possibly you are confused about stripper methodology here. For the record: you give bankers money you want to keep. You give strippers money if you want a lap dance.

Hasselhoff t-shirts - www.tshirtgrill.com - Original printed Hasselhoff t-shirts-three designs

THIS IS ENTIRELY BEST BELOVED'S FAULT. Oh my god, Gmail, I am NOT THIS PERSON. Send Best Beloved the Hasselhoff t-shirt ads! Not me! I am an innocent bystander. I was entirely unaware of Hasselhoff's cult of - I don't know what to call, it precisely, but "ego" seems more appropriate than "personality" - until recently, when sdwolfpup showed me two music videos (one in which Hasselhoff attempts to win the Worst Blue Screening award while holding a plastic fish in his mouth and dancing out of rhythm, and one in which he is wearing a "Don't Hassel the Hoff" t-shirt, which I now realize was fearsome marketing in action). I have not been the same since, although my doctors hold out some small chance of a full recovery for me. My point is: INNOCENT. Also, fragile and not to be randomly subjected to Hasselhoff-related ads.

...Okay, this is probably a good time to stop, since I do at last feel like Gmail is judging me.

And what have we learned? With enough scrutiny, you can read sinister intent into anything.

Also, I'm somewhat prone to paranoia.

And no one had better call me a Hasselhoff lover, damn it.

Comments

[svilleficrecs.livejournal.com]

"# The LOOKS, oh my god the LOOKS of "Why are you doing this to me?" and "WOE, I suffer greatly" and "Behold, I am a poor bedraggled animal being tortured by monsters of cruelty. Someone save me!"

Then again, considering my dog's default dinnertime expression is "WOE, I suffer greatly, I am a poor, starving, animal, won't you please feed me and save me from wasting horribly away." Dogs are big on emoting, sometimes.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

My dogs definitely over-emote (http://littera-abactor.livejournal.com/7748.html). Particularly with reference to food. But I think they'd also have remarks to make about any underwater treadmill I placed them on. ("WOE." Also, "STARVING TO DEATH.")

[moosesal.livejournal.com]

My dog had knee surgery recently and at the physical therapy place they have an underwater treadmill. It's actually really cool and great for therapy after knee and hip injuries. But yeah, a world market for them is kind of odd.

I've also been getting the coffee ad and I'm allergic to coffee, so I don't really care what coffee companies are doing. And I'm with you on the punctuation aggravation.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

You know, I figured it was a physical therapy kind of deal. But how did you get Buddy into it? How did you keep him on it?

...Was a James Bond villain involved? You can tell me.

I've also been getting the coffee ad and I'm allergic to coffee, so I don't really care what coffee companies are doing.

My advice is, make a general LJ post letting your friends know that Gmail wants them to cut down on their coffee consumption. If it isn't aimed at you, maybe it's aimed at the people you correspond with.

[mklutz]

Interestingly, ana_grrl and I have discovered that if we mention porn or pornography at least once in each e-mail, we don't get any google mail adverts. It's kind of funny and awesome.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I am so going to try that. I'll ask my various email correspondents to volunteer for a test program. It will be scientific and porny, which is clearly the best of all possible worlds.

[mtgat]

ESPN.com - Stripper sentenced in NASCAR embezzlement case

celli's next John/Rodney AU? Because you know Rodney only stripped to pay his way through grad school.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

OMG we must get celli to write this. It would be made of awesome!

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Checking my latest exchange with the wifey in which she reviles loud, hungover practicers of al fresco sex screaming at each other in the aftermath under her window, I get ads for The Tucker Sling (which had me all excited, thinking it would be some new sex toy), in case my baby has acid reflux, which is probably the coffee industrie's terrible secret (I knew I shouldn't give it expresso in the bottle - wait, I don't have a baby), but if acid reflux isn't the awful secret, then perhaps its fibromyalgia and hey, the skeevy baby photo ad shows up last.

Gmail obviously thinks I need to be a mother and a bad one at that. Or possibly that I'll be adopting the product of the al fresco frolickers.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Or possibly that I'll be adopting the product of the al fresco frolickers.

If so, for god's sake raise your reflux-y baby boy with some sense of basic human boundaries. Do not have sex under people's windows, for god's sake. There are plenty of semi-public, inconvenient places to have uncomfortable and excessively noisy sex that don't involve keeping other people awake.

Hmmm. You know, maybe you should be a mother. If you could teach that, you'd be doing the world a great favor.

[lunardreamed.livejournal.com]

Either I'm incredibly tired or you are hilarious.

I'm still trying to figure out why it's so odd that a German city is shocked by a naked person.

I have had more time to think about this and I feel judged by the incessant snail mail ads aimed at licensed drivers. I think they are telling me that I am somehow deficient because I do not drive. I also feel judged by snail mail credit card offers. I think they are telling me I am un-American because I am not in debt. Also, I live in an apartment and get refinancing offers for my home (that I don't have). Again, I am deficient for not mortgaging myself into the poorhouse.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I'm still trying to figure out why it's so odd that a German city is shocked by a naked person.

I don't understand why it was a news story at all, let alone why Gmail thought I needed to know about it. I'm guessing it was a very slow news day in the Oddly Enough department.

I have had more time to think about this and I feel judged by the incessant snail mail ads aimed at licensed drivers.

...You get snail mail ads aimed at licensed drivers? I don't, and I am a licensed driver.

I think they are telling me I am un-American because I am not in debt.

When I was in college, I was stunned by the constant influx of calls and letters raising my credit limit, offering me new credit cards, and just generally trying to give me enough credit to buy Nebraska with a signature loan. They said it was because I had such a good payment record, but I had no balance because I couldn't afford to use the card. I certainly didn't need more credit I couldn't afford to use.

But, you know, junk mail would make an awesome next study in the Oppression of Random Selection. *thinks*

Also, I live in an apartment and get refinancing offers for my home (that I don't have)

We get refinancing offers all the time. And the thing is, we do have a house. And yet. I don't think anyone has EVER refinanced a house - a time-consuming and challenging process! - based on third class mail. If you want me to perform a financial transaction more binding than MARRIAGE with you, by god, you'd better stump up for the full-price stamp.

[lazy-neutrino.livejournal.com]

This post is bizarre and brilliant in equal measures.

Gmail has clearly hired someone whose job it is to read through all your mails and assign ads accordingly, with a little bit of randomness to make it look, well, random. He's probably reading this now.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Oh, great. Now my paranoia has something to work on: the image of a man hunched over his computer, carefully reviewing my email and website and saying thoughtfully to himself, "Okay, now, at last - she's finally ready for the Advanced Horse Exerciser!" I mean, bad enough when I thought it was just a program judging me, but if there's a human intelligence out there who thinks I'm poised to purchase bizarre exercise contraptions and 36 hours in Moscow, well, I'm worried.

...Also, I'm wondering if I'm secretly a spy. I could be much more interesting than I ever suspected!

[wyomingnot.livejournal.com]

In the meantime, wyomingknott is probably a better market.

Actually, not so much.

I almost never notice those ads on gmail. I've been checking my accounts fairly regularly the past few days, and I couldn't tell you about any of the ads if my life depended on it.

Hm. Dalton Air. I'll have to find a way to work that into your MacGyver gift ficcage. (if it ever gets written. but you knew that. right?)

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Well, but - at least you are interested in MacGyver. You could probably tell me what Dalton Air was without having to reach for a reference book. That makes you a better market for MacGyver t-shirts for sure - although my advice to you is: buy from someone who can spell, punctuate, and capitalize correctly. There's nothing more embarrassing than going through life with an apostrophe error on your boob.

[labellementeuse.livejournal.com]

So when they say "world market," which parts of the world, exactly? I would like to know so I never spend 36 hours there.

Clearly, places where axolotls are all the hot rage in pets.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I would think there was nowhere in the world where regenerating tentacle larva-sexual salamanders weren't massively popular.

Also, whoa: an axolotl would make an excellent Bond villain pet, I just realized. It would be named Fluffy, perhaps?

[ratcreature]

This makes me so glad I installed this firefox thingy that removes the gmail ads from my view. I can just imagine that I'd get this comment email mailed and gmail sees "David Hasselhoff" mentioned in it, and I'll be scarred for life by them pushing awful merchandise at me.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

See, on my other computer, Google ads are blocked. I don't usually check my mail so much on this computer.

Obviously, I was missing out. (And, really, what's a little Hasselhoff in the name of science? These are the risks we take!)

[kalpurna.livejournal.com]

The one I get all the damn time is this:

Free Fanfiction - FanFictionLibrary.org - Want Fan Fiction? Access thousands of Fan Fiction works now. Free.

Which is just. I don't even know where to START with that.

ALSO

[kalpurna.livejournal.com]

I, too, get CoffeeFool constantly, and because I am compulsively curious, I can tell you the secret! The secret is, apparently, that if you buy very very expensive "fresh" coffee from this company, then it tastes better than conventional mass-produced brands. WHO KNEW.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

You made me *go look up* the stripper espn thing. Damn you.

Also? HASSELHOFF. GOD STOP NOW PLZ.

Also, now I am noticing my gmail adverts. *chews lip hard* It's not enough amazon freaks me out with its recommendations. Now I am noticing gmail does too.

...I am never mentioning Hasselhoff in gmail. EVER.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

You made me *go look up* the stripper espn thing.

...What was the deal there?

Now I am noticing gmail does too.

*nods*

The machines. They are JUDGING US. (And they're judging us really unfavorably, too.) RUN!

I am never mentioning Hasselhoff in gmail. EVER.

Because I love you so much, I have taken care of this for you.

Really, no need to thank me. *glows with the satisfaction gained from helping others*

[ainsley.livejournal.com]

I cannot remember the last time I laughed so hard, and that *includes* two(?) nights ago when I awakened my cat by laughing.

You make one error: GWBush does not have a manhood. I would demand proof of your assertion that he does, except even you can't rec that to me. And I've posted links to photos of Rasputin's pickled penis.

I see the coffee one all the time as well, despite anyone who's ever encountered me knowing that I caffeinate through careful application of cola, with the occasional twist of tea for variety.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

You make one error: GWBush does not have a manhood.

Ah, but I bet he thinks he does. Which is all it would take for him to start traumatizing Germans, I would think.

I see the coffee one all the time as well, despite anyone who's ever encountered me knowing that I caffeinate through careful application of cola, with the occasional twist of tea for variety.

Well, if you're curious anyway, see above, where Fearless Investigator kalpurna reveals the AMAZING SECRET. You will indeed be shocked!

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

Reuters: Oddly Enough - Naked US tourist shocks German city

Do they mention how the US tourist LOOKED? Because you gotta do more than show skin to shock a German. (Not that we're especially shock-proof. We're just used to sex love, and rock'n roll and such in the media, on billboards etc. pp.

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

Oh, and under windows. Poor E.

[runpunkrun]

See, I was one of those people who said Gmail, because Gmail is constantly suggesting I lose weight and get a new job. It really likes to wait until my boss emails me (or even if she hasn't!), and then it slyly informs me that firms in Seattle are hiring, or that I could get a job in the field of information technology.

It's also been REAL BIG on "mormon ring tones" lately. Gmail thinks I'm an overweight godless heathen trapped in a dead-end job. Fine, so it's half right, that doesn't mean it needs to keep HARPING on the subject.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

*eyes you thoughtfully*

Mormon ringtones? Really? Either you have depths previously uncontemplated by me, or Gmail has mislaid a decimal point somewhere. (Also, what the hell is a Mormon ringtone? When your phone rings, it produces a pair of magic spectacles and waves them about?)

But, yes, obviously Gmail has it in for you. You should keep track of everything it tells you for a few days, then write a sternly-worded letter to Google. ("Dear Google: I am deeply offended by your suggestion that I am an overweight godless heathen trapped in a dead-end job. I am perfectly happy with my weight and current career, thank you. Sincerely, Insulted Godless Heathen.")

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

Wow. I am... actually quite fascinated. Call me naive, but, that stuff about Gmail knowing whether or not your email is between a Canadian and an American and adjusting accordingly - can they actually do that? I'm now going to be scrutinizing every ad they give me to try and work out what they know about me. Thanks, TFV, you've made me paranoid.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Well, they scan your emails looking for keywords that they then link to ads. Supposedly. In reality, they scan your emails looking for keywords, then produce ads and links that are clearly selected from a hat. By demented monkeys.

But, yeah, I assume they know that a given email is from someone in Canada (because they know her email address and IP and so on) and someone in the US. This would be true even if we weren't both on Gmail, which we are; I think when you sign up they make you say where you live.

And I'd apologize for making you paranoid, but I haven't forgotten that I hate you because you slutted your way into Amazon's good graces and then slammed the door on the rest of us. So HA. HA, I am GLAD you are now paranoid. *seethes*

[saldemonium.livejournal.com]

Oh my dear God. I'm new to your journals, having been pointed to the sweet potato story, and friending both from there. I just gotta say, though, having read this, and some of your other posts, you are the /funniest/ damn person ever. I just howled while reading this one (the tampon one killed me, too) and will force my wife to read it when she's awake. God. Just. /Funny/. Thank you.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

*beams*

Thank you!

Although, really, when I'm not trapped in a hotel room with dogs, I tend to post less, and mostly on the actual topic of this LJ (which is fan fiction recommendations - I realize that's not obvious to anyone who happened upon me lately). I don't want you to be disappointed when you find out that I don't spend all my time in a downward spiral of paranoia and ranting.

...Well, I don't think I do, anyway.

[vass]

Then I guess you won't be wanting this nice 'Don't Hassle the Hoff' icon I'm very tempted right now to make for you?

I had never seen MacGyver until two months ago, when some friends decided that it was Wrong, Just Wrong that I hadn't, and downloaded two episodes for me. It hurt them worse than it hurt me. I hadn't been watching SG-1 as long as they had, so my degree of cognitive dissonance over Jack O'Neill! Young! With a mullet! was lesser.

If there is only one person selling canine underwater treadmills, that person is the world market leader by default. I find this a reassuring thought. In fact as far as I'm concerned, so long as no one is subjecting their dogs to the treadmills, that person can call him/herself Secret World Master of Canine Underwater Treadmills, and the manufacturing plant The Sub-Volcanic Lair.

"But before I take you to the vet, Mister Bond, allow me to reveal my entire plan for world domination."

"But before I insist on taking you for a walk in the rain, Mister Bond, I shall tell you my life story, as I think you are the only dog who would understand."

"But before I withhold my own dinner from you, Mister Bond, we shall have a game of chess."

[vass]

It's funnier if you imagine the Bond villain in question to be a baby panda, duckling, or bear cub.

[mecurtin.livejournal.com]

Dear Gmail:

Ignore her pleas. Continue to send TFV bizarre ads, because then she is *funny* and we will laugh and almost pee our pants.

love,

an admiring world

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

When I got the comment notification for this, the Gmail ad link was:

Wired Top Stories - Naughty, But Only on the Internet

THEY'RE ONTO US. RUN!

[foreverdirt.livejournal.com]

If you're going to pay for an ad, advertisers, maybe you could punctuate it correctly?

Ohgodsomuchyes.

A friend and I just spent nineteen emails squeeing about an RPS hooker AU, and Gmail thinks the perfect accompaniment to this would be babycare ads. I, just, the only word either of us used even vaguely related to young things was "jailbait".

(Though I do love that when we exchange snippets of SGA fic, the ads are often along the lines of "Trouble talking about your emotions? Maybe therapy will help..." Even Gmail has strong opinions on John Sheppard.)

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

A friend and I just spent nineteen emails squeeing about an RPS hooker AU, and Gmail thinks the perfect accompaniment to this would be babycare ads.

Perhaps Gmail is suggesting that you introduce an MPreg plotline. Gmail is wise in the ways of fan fiction, methinks. *nods sagely*

(Though I do love that when we exchange snippets of SGA fic, the ads are often along the lines of "Trouble talking about your emotions? Maybe therapy will help..." Even Gmail has strong opinions on John Sheppard.)

AWESOME. I can just see Sheppard, during some time spent on earth, getting more and more paranoid about these Gmail ads. "Every single time, it's for counseling. Every time." "They don't mean anything, Sheppard." "Oh, really? What's yours right now?" "Uh - cat toys and CERN. But that means NOTHING.")

Of course, this would eventually turn out to be their clue that they were in a virtual reality. And then Rodney would discover that it's the Ancient equivalent of group therapy, and they can't get out until Sheppard has confronted his feelings. (Rodney: "Well. Huh. Okay, I guess it's not so bad in here. We have all the ice cream we want. And I can probably get my papers to Zelenka via email, and maybe he can get questions to me about Atlantis, and...okay, it's not how I pictured spending the rest of my life, but it won't be so bad." "MCKAY. We're not staying. I deal with my emotions just fine, and when it sees that, it will let us out." "Oh, really? What do your Google ads say now?" "Um...'In Denial? We can help.' But didn't you just say that meant nothing?")

[theodosia.livejournal.com]

On the Making Light post about fanfiction and FanLib et al, I got a Google Ads "Fanfic ringtones for your cellphone" ad! I'm still trying to think what that would sound like!

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I don't know, but suddenly I want one. Curse you, Google ads, for inducing in me a desire that cannot be fulfilled! *shakes fist*

[http://users.livejournal.com/tesserae_/]

::wheezes::

I - who've been married to actual men several times - just got a Wells Fargo mailing geared toward retirement planning for the GLBT community. I wonder what, exactly, they're suggesting here?

[basingstoke.livejournal.com]

"Men not working out? Try Lesbians(tm)!"

[basingstoke.livejournal.com]

I have been to Moscow. It takes eight to ten hours in an airplane, which is quite easy on the way there, because you get a shortened night and everyone goes to sleep, but pure torture on the way back, when it's perpetually 3pm and people. are. WIRED.

Customs and security was worringly easy, though. I don't think those x-ray machines were actually working. But this was in 1995, before the Bold New Security Paradigm, so maybe it's different now.

They only open up Lenin's tomb to visitors on certain days, so you would want to time that 36 hours carefully. And of course you wouldn't get to visit St. Petersburg, because that's another overnight train ride, and that would be a crying shame. It's an amazing city. The whole place is made of stone and marble, by law, and there are canals--actually, it kind of looks like the National Mall in DC, only baroque instead of classical. And with cathedrals, lots of them, covered in gold.

But Moscow has my heart, because it's an ANCIENT city and full of odd little nooks and crannies. And there is nothing better than the Kremlin, which has 9th-century churches next to 17th-century palaces next to 1970s concrete monstrosities, all underlaid with black stone pavements that are at least five hundred years old.

*sigh* I want to go back. But for more than 36 hours, yes. :)

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

It takes eight to ten hours in an airplane, which is quite easy on the way there, because you get a shortened night and everyone goes to sleep, but pure torture on the way back, when it's perpetually 3pm and people. are. WIRED.

And, see, I wasn't even discussing the issue of spending nearly as much time in transit as you do on the ground. (I've been on trips like that. All you remember afterwards is the time in the airplane.) I think there should be a vacation rule of thumb: time it takes to get there x 4.5 = minimum time you can spend on the actual vacation. This 36 hours thing is craziness.

Moscow does sound like a lovely place, yes. But that just means we should all aim to spend much more than 36 hours there. About the only place I'd willingly take a 36 hour vacation in would be Las Vegas, and then only if I could not make it much, much shorter.

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

Hey, MacGyver t-shirts! *runs to go look* My first fandom, when my best friend and I wrote fanfic without knowing that that's what we were doing. Ah, memories.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I beg of you, buy your MacGyver t-shirts from someone who knows how to spell and punctuate! Do not tarnish your cherished childhood memories with illiterate outerwear!

[eveningblue.livejournal.com]

Hahaha! This is great! I love seeing what retarded Google ads pop up, depending on the content of my emails. Awhile back, I had a long, elaborate email-versation with a friend about the lusciousness of Doyle's (Pros) curly hair. I got about a million ads for curlyhair.com and makeyourhaircurly.com and getbeautifulhair.com. It was hilarious!

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I got about a million ads for curlyhair.com and makeyourhaircurly.com and getbeautifulhair.com.

*eyes Gmail*

Okay, clearly they are INSANE. I have curly hair, and the only way to make it truly beautiful would be to make it STRAIGHT. As it is, it varies between frizzy tangled bush and limp and listless tangled mess, depending on the weather. People with straight hair don't know the relative humidity when they look in the mirror in the morning! (Although I did read a book that was supposed to be a guide for managing your curly hair, and it was awesomely funny, because it talked about having curly hair using precisely the same language as coming out of the closet books use about homosexuality. Someday I must do a post on this book, for it is a wonder of the world.)