Miscellaneous: Still Trapped. In a Hotel Room. With Dogs.

[thefourthvine]

I have learned many important lessons in the last week and a half, and I want to share just a few of them with you. True, they probably won't ever actually be useful to you. Frankly, you should probably plan your life so that they're not. But I'm damned well going to share them anyway.

1. You can totally use complimentary hotel toiletries to wash a dog. Your dog's coat will be silky-soft, full-bodied, and shiny afterward, and you will briefly consider sending an unsolicited testimonial to the manufacturer. Do not do this. It's just hotel-room psychosis setting in.
   
   
2. Bathing a dog in a hotel bathroom is not the most fun you will ever have. It's not the most fun the dog will ever have, either. (Tip: be on the other side of the shower curtain from the dog at ALL TIMES. Particularly when you, after having lured her there under false pretenses and with many treats, show her the magical sky fountain. And most especially when you turn the magical sky fountain off. It is entirely possible to keep a firm hold on a collar through two layers of shower curtain, and if you know what's good for you, that's what you'll do.)
   
   
3. Spending any significant amount of time with a dog who is covered in another dog's urine is even less fun than bathing her will eventually be.
   
   
4. And if you want to experience a near total absence of fun, try being stuck in a small area with:
   
   
   1. A dog who is covered in another dog's urine, but is determined not to let this stand in the way of her social life.
      
   2. The dog who peed on the first dog and is thus undergoing a serious metaphysical crisis ("Do I exist? Does urine exist? WILL DINNER EXIST?"), with attendant digestive distress.
      
   3. A book called Why People Believe Weird Things.
      
   4. A Mormon insurance salesman (okay, "executive") who is not getting good cell phone reception and apparently can't sustain continued existence without talking to someone at all times.
   
   Trust me when I tell you that every potential topic of conversation in this situation is both uncomfortable and inevitable.
   
   
5. Any conversational gambit that begins, "So, you seem like a smart girl, you like books and stuff [the "stuff" apparently being "deranged dogs," as that was the other thing it was obvious I liked, so be advised: if you want to find a smart girl, look in the dog training section of your local bookstore], so maybe you can tell me..." is bound to end badly. Avoid it. Feign death if you have to.
   
   
6. But that conversational gambit (and all other ones, including, "What are you reading?" "So, why do people believe weird things?" "What's a fallacy?" "What kind of weird things, exactly?" "What religion are you?" "Are you married?" "Does your husband have life insurance?") is far preferable to, "So what's all this wet stuff on your dog's side?" Especially after the urine-covered dog has made exceptionally friendly (not to say utterly unstoppable) overtures to your new insurance-executive friend, and he has taken them with remarkably good grace.
   
   
7. There is a time and a place for putting the Barnum Effect to work for you, and that time and place is when you find yourself giving relationship advice to a Mormon insurance executive.

So, that's how my life has been lately. (Specifically, yesterday. I mean, I did some other stuff, but somehow it pales in comparison to that fun-filled hour.) How are you? I'm pretty much missing out on fandom and my friends list, what with the trapped in a hotel room with dogs effect, so please let me know of any new stories or life events or vids or, you know, whole fandoms that have passed me by.

Seriously. Recommend something to me. I need things to distract me from my plan to strangle my dogs.

Comments

[darthfox.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty much missing out on fandom

Oh, trust me. You don't want to know.

[brynwulf]

Wow, some people have all the luck. Do you know how long I've wanted to be locked up in a hotel room with urine-smelling dogs? It's been my dream for like.... 30 seconds!

/tonguecheek

Your life is muey interesting, sweetie.

[paper-tzipporah.livejournal.com]

Oh, trust me. You don't want to know.

That pretty much sums it up.

[reginagiraffe]

Did you ever mention *why* you were being forced to spend a week in a hotel room with a couple of dogs?

*is very curious*

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

Take heart: your misery will cheer hundreds of your friends today. For this, this is an awesome post. (:

Hey, coulda been worse. Coulda been the Gideon Bible was the only book available.

[ratcreature]

Maybe it's a new reality tv show premise... *is wildly speculating*

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

*giggles uncontrollably*

Well. Um. There's all this stuff going on in fandom which maybe you know about where it turns out that LJ really *is* suspending communities which list 'incest' and 'chan' and stuff in their interests. pornishpixies has been suspended, among others. People are doing stuff. I have faith it will work out.

I've been reading a Wikipedia article about the game Mornington Crescent (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mornington_Crescent_%28game%29), but BEFORE reading that you should see the game in action (http://morganmuffle.livejournal.com/464659.html) over at morganmuffle's LJ. It's not a fandom exactly, but it's from the British radio panel game 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue', which is part of the wider British TV Personalities RPS fandom, which is mostly represented by the Have I Got News For You (http://community.livejournal.com/glovelove/) fandom. This is a comedy news quiz on every week, which pretty much plays the role of the Daily Show, but it's much more inclined to surrealism and much funnier (I think). The best moment in HIGNFY history was the show the evening after Angus Deaton, the old (now disgraced, as a result of this) host, had been all over the papers in a cocaine and hooker scandal, and Paul Merton, who is wonderful, took off his jacket halfway through the programme to reveal a t-shirt with a scanned copy of the tabloid front page on it. This (http://dress-fic.livejournal.com/75608.html) is my favourite fic ever written in this fandom, in which Boris Johnson (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boris_Johnson), UK politician (in the loosest sense of the word) and popular recurring guest, slays vampires. Um, there. You probably shouldn't strangle your dogs.

[narcolepsy-slds.livejournal.com]

Don't forget that after you managed to stay almost dry and clean while bathing your dog, it will get you wet anyway: by running around you in very tight circles or by using you as a towel ... at least I have not managed the art of staying dry while bathing mine.

The most "fun" I had bathing my dog was after she thought that dirty oily black was a flattering colour for her (being white/gray and long haired).

[raisintorte.livejournal.com]

Being trapped in a hotel room with my dog is just about the scariest thing I can imagine. I'm still having flashbacks from the time I decided I could trust her enough to take her off leash near a river. There were muddy paw print streaks on my walls for about a week before they got cleaned off. (We also ended up taking a shower together because I didn't want to deal with removing everything from the bathtub bathroom so we used the shower with a door. That was traumatic for both of us.)

On the distraction front - how about pictures (http://raisintorte.livejournal.com/266322.html) of a dog that isn't trapped with you?

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. Now I really do want to know. Is it the end of fandom as we know it?

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

You people are really starting to worry me. I don't want to survive this experience only to return to a fannish ghost town with the last two remaining fans stalking down the dusty, um, LiveJournal (look, I never said it was the best analogy) at high noon! What's happening?

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

You are hereby invited to come visit. No, really. My dogs would love to see you. Can I book you in for this afternoon?

And, actually, I'm starting to think my life is a cosmic joke. That would at least explain why people are laughing at me.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Sadly, the answer just isn't very interesting. Basically, our house has no plumbing. Plumbing is very key to the usefulness of any dwelling place, as it turns out.

[brynwulf]

Oh gee, I'd love to. Damn! *snaps fingers and looks at watch*

I have to go give my dog a pedicure. Sorry!! Tatafornow!

[darthfox.livejournal.com]

Depends who you ask. Which is to say, no, but there's some hysteria going around. I'm going out to grab some lunch, but I'll get into it when I get back. Or, catrinella has a decent post here (http://catrinella.livejournal.com/151812.html). Bad: yes. End of the world: no, not at all.

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Let this be a lesson to you! You go off to a hotel room for a few days and fandom explodes. Please don't let it happen again.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Take heart: your misery will cheer hundreds of your friends today.

Actually, as I was desperately casting around for a means of ending the conversation, I thought, well, obviously I'm going to post about this. It's why we survive unpleasant experiences: so we can post about them.

Coulda been the Gideon Bible was the only book available.

I supplied the book, thank god. Although if I'd known I'd be chatting, I'd've picked something else. (Actually, if I'd known how the afternoon was going to go, I would've brought baby wipes. Reading material is great, but baby wipes would, on that occasion, have been much better.) There are books that are guaranteed conversation-killers, after all.

And I'm pretty sure I could've gotten a Book of Mormon as alternate reading material. Yep. Really pretty confident about that.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're surviving, although dealing with the Mormon salesman--well, let's just say the very picture of you dealing with this guy made me giggle but also wince in sympathy.

Also, as others have said, fandom has exploded while you've been trapped in the hotel room, which means you might just be better off ;-)

*hugs*

[paper-tzipporah.livejournal.com]

Communities and personal journals are being suspended/deleted by LJ Abuse because of having certain interests listed on the profile page.


Info here:
http://catrinella.livejournal.com/151812.html

[semielliptical]

I found this to be a great little distraction last night, maybe it will work for you: I Was A Little Too Lonely (You Were a Little Too Late) by jjtaylor, SGA, McKay/Sheppard, in which a puddlejumper is redecorated to look like a cabana and Rodney: ...cleans up, shaves, eats eight ham sandwiches and two pudding cups, and begins passing very methodically and very openly through the five stages of grief as though checking them off his to-do list for the whole of Atlantis to see.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

*stares*

Oh, fandom. Don't burn down while I'm gone.

Also, why does British TV always sound so interesting? American TV never does.

*clicks links*

*prepares to be entranced*

*postpones dog-strangling for at least two hours*

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I actually did manage to stay totally clean and dry while bathing my extremely filthy, urine-covered dog in a bathroom patently not designed for it, even after she was released from the Tub of Terror. I realize no one will ever give me a gold medal for this feat, but I feel I deserve one. That was not easy.

The most "fun" I had bathing my dog was after she thought that dirty oily black was a flattering colour for her (being white/gray and long haired).

*cringes*

Oh my god. At least my dogs are short-haired. I see now that things could be much worse.

[gogoangelgunboy.livejournal.com]

So that's how my life has been lately - specifically yesterday

i don't know why that made me laugh so hard, particularly when i'd already laughed at the mormon insurance salesman and the fluffy dog with the bouncin' and behavin' fur...

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Being trapped in a hotel room with my dog is just about the scariest thing I can imagine.

Yeah, I'm right there with you. Except that I'm living the dream.

Really, there's no amount of chocolate sufficient to remedy this.

I'm still having flashbacks from the time I decided I could trust her enough to take her off leash near a river.

Oh, man. I - yeah. I can totally envision how that would go with my dogs. I fear the state police would end up involved. Also possibly psychiatric authorities. And Best Beloved saying, in disbelieving tones, "You let them off the leash? Oh, honey, you need help."

On the distraction front - how about pictures of a dog that isn't trapped with you?

Oh my god, she is ADORABLE. *swoons* (Wait, the cute is how they put you off your guard. Must. Not. Succumb. But - so cute! *swoons anyway*)

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Oh, fandom, I love you so. Please do not be engaging in ritual self-harm while my back is turned, okay?