Miscellaneous: Still Trapped. In a Hotel Room. With Dogs.

[thefourthvine]

I have learned many important lessons in the last week and a half, and I want to share just a few of them with you. True, they probably won't ever actually be useful to you. Frankly, you should probably plan your life so that they're not. But I'm damned well going to share them anyway.

1. You can totally use complimentary hotel toiletries to wash a dog. Your dog's coat will be silky-soft, full-bodied, and shiny afterward, and you will briefly consider sending an unsolicited testimonial to the manufacturer. Do not do this. It's just hotel-room psychosis setting in.
   
   
2. Bathing a dog in a hotel bathroom is not the most fun you will ever have. It's not the most fun the dog will ever have, either. (Tip: be on the other side of the shower curtain from the dog at ALL TIMES. Particularly when you, after having lured her there under false pretenses and with many treats, show her the magical sky fountain. And most especially when you turn the magical sky fountain off. It is entirely possible to keep a firm hold on a collar through two layers of shower curtain, and if you know what's good for you, that's what you'll do.)
   
   
3. Spending any significant amount of time with a dog who is covered in another dog's urine is even less fun than bathing her will eventually be.
   
   
4. And if you want to experience a near total absence of fun, try being stuck in a small area with:
   
   
   1. A dog who is covered in another dog's urine, but is determined not to let this stand in the way of her social life.
      
   2. The dog who peed on the first dog and is thus undergoing a serious metaphysical crisis ("Do I exist? Does urine exist? WILL DINNER EXIST?"), with attendant digestive distress.
      
   3. A book called Why People Believe Weird Things.
      
   4. A Mormon insurance salesman (okay, "executive") who is not getting good cell phone reception and apparently can't sustain continued existence without talking to someone at all times.
   
   Trust me when I tell you that every potential topic of conversation in this situation is both uncomfortable and inevitable.
   
   
5. Any conversational gambit that begins, "So, you seem like a smart girl, you like books and stuff [the "stuff" apparently being "deranged dogs," as that was the other thing it was obvious I liked, so be advised: if you want to find a smart girl, look in the dog training section of your local bookstore], so maybe you can tell me..." is bound to end badly. Avoid it. Feign death if you have to.
   
   
6. But that conversational gambit (and all other ones, including, "What are you reading?" "So, why do people believe weird things?" "What's a fallacy?" "What kind of weird things, exactly?" "What religion are you?" "Are you married?" "Does your husband have life insurance?") is far preferable to, "So what's all this wet stuff on your dog's side?" Especially after the urine-covered dog has made exceptionally friendly (not to say utterly unstoppable) overtures to your new insurance-executive friend, and he has taken them with remarkably good grace.
   
   
7. There is a time and a place for putting the Barnum Effect to work for you, and that time and place is when you find yourself giving relationship advice to a Mormon insurance executive.

So, that's how my life has been lately. (Specifically, yesterday. I mean, I did some other stuff, but somehow it pales in comparison to that fun-filled hour.) How are you? I'm pretty much missing out on fandom and my friends list, what with the trapped in a hotel room with dogs effect, so please let me know of any new stories or life events or vids or, you know, whole fandoms that have passed me by.

Seriously. Recommend something to me. I need things to distract me from my plan to strangle my dogs.

Comments

[darthfox.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty much missing out on fandom

Oh, trust me. You don't want to know.

[paper-tzipporah.livejournal.com]

Oh, trust me. You don't want to know.

That pretty much sums it up.

[brynwulf]

Wow, some people have all the luck. Do you know how long I've wanted to be locked up in a hotel room with urine-smelling dogs? It's been my dream for like.... 30 seconds!

/tonguecheek

Your life is muey interesting, sweetie.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

You are hereby invited to come visit. No, really. My dogs would love to see you. Can I book you in for this afternoon?

And, actually, I'm starting to think my life is a cosmic joke. That would at least explain why people are laughing at me.

[reginagiraffe]

Did you ever mention *why* you were being forced to spend a week in a hotel room with a couple of dogs?

*is very curious*

[ratcreature]

Maybe it's a new reality tv show premise... *is wildly speculating*

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

Take heart: your misery will cheer hundreds of your friends today. For this, this is an awesome post. (:

Hey, coulda been worse. Coulda been the Gideon Bible was the only book available.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Take heart: your misery will cheer hundreds of your friends today.

Actually, as I was desperately casting around for a means of ending the conversation, I thought, well, obviously I'm going to post about this. It's why we survive unpleasant experiences: so we can post about them.

Coulda been the Gideon Bible was the only book available.

I supplied the book, thank god. Although if I'd known I'd be chatting, I'd've picked something else. (Actually, if I'd known how the afternoon was going to go, I would've brought baby wipes. Reading material is great, but baby wipes would, on that occasion, have been much better.) There are books that are guaranteed conversation-killers, after all.

And I'm pretty sure I could've gotten a Book of Mormon as alternate reading material. Yep. Really pretty confident about that.

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

*giggles uncontrollably*

Well. Um. There's all this stuff going on in fandom which maybe you know about where it turns out that LJ really *is* suspending communities which list 'incest' and 'chan' and stuff in their interests. pornishpixies has been suspended, among others. People are doing stuff. I have faith it will work out.

I've been reading a Wikipedia article about the game Mornington Crescent (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mornington_Crescent_%28game%29), but BEFORE reading that you should see the game in action (http://morganmuffle.livejournal.com/464659.html) over at morganmuffle's LJ. It's not a fandom exactly, but it's from the British radio panel game 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue', which is part of the wider British TV Personalities RPS fandom, which is mostly represented by the Have I Got News For You (http://community.livejournal.com/glovelove/) fandom. This is a comedy news quiz on every week, which pretty much plays the role of the Daily Show, but it's much more inclined to surrealism and much funnier (I think). The best moment in HIGNFY history was the show the evening after Angus Deaton, the old (now disgraced, as a result of this) host, had been all over the papers in a cocaine and hooker scandal, and Paul Merton, who is wonderful, took off his jacket halfway through the programme to reveal a t-shirt with a scanned copy of the tabloid front page on it. This (http://dress-fic.livejournal.com/75608.html) is my favourite fic ever written in this fandom, in which Boris Johnson (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boris_Johnson), UK politician (in the loosest sense of the word) and popular recurring guest, slays vampires. Um, there. You probably shouldn't strangle your dogs.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

*stares*

Oh, fandom. Don't burn down while I'm gone.

Also, why does British TV always sound so interesting? American TV never does.

*clicks links*

*prepares to be entranced*

*postpones dog-strangling for at least two hours*

[narcolepsy-slds.livejournal.com]

Don't forget that after you managed to stay almost dry and clean while bathing your dog, it will get you wet anyway: by running around you in very tight circles or by using you as a towel ... at least I have not managed the art of staying dry while bathing mine.

The most "fun" I had bathing my dog was after she thought that dirty oily black was a flattering colour for her (being white/gray and long haired).

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I actually did manage to stay totally clean and dry while bathing my extremely filthy, urine-covered dog in a bathroom patently not designed for it, even after she was released from the Tub of Terror. I realize no one will ever give me a gold medal for this feat, but I feel I deserve one. That was not easy.

The most "fun" I had bathing my dog was after she thought that dirty oily black was a flattering colour for her (being white/gray and long haired).

*cringes*

Oh my god. At least my dogs are short-haired. I see now that things could be much worse.

[raisintorte.livejournal.com]

Being trapped in a hotel room with my dog is just about the scariest thing I can imagine. I'm still having flashbacks from the time I decided I could trust her enough to take her off leash near a river. There were muddy paw print streaks on my walls for about a week before they got cleaned off. (We also ended up taking a shower together because I didn't want to deal with removing everything from the bathtub bathroom so we used the shower with a door. That was traumatic for both of us.)

On the distraction front - how about pictures (http://raisintorte.livejournal.com/266322.html) of a dog that isn't trapped with you?

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Being trapped in a hotel room with my dog is just about the scariest thing I can imagine.

Yeah, I'm right there with you. Except that I'm living the dream.

Really, there's no amount of chocolate sufficient to remedy this.

I'm still having flashbacks from the time I decided I could trust her enough to take her off leash near a river.

Oh, man. I - yeah. I can totally envision how that would go with my dogs. I fear the state police would end up involved. Also possibly psychiatric authorities. And Best Beloved saying, in disbelieving tones, "You let them off the leash? Oh, honey, you need help."

On the distraction front - how about pictures of a dog that isn't trapped with you?

Oh my god, she is ADORABLE. *swoons* (Wait, the cute is how they put you off your guard. Must. Not. Succumb. But - so cute! *swoons anyway*)

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Let this be a lesson to you! You go off to a hotel room for a few days and fandom explodes. Please don't let it happen again.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Oh, fandom, I love you so. Please do not be engaging in ritual self-harm while my back is turned, okay?

[umbo.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're surviving, although dealing with the Mormon salesman--well, let's just say the very picture of you dealing with this guy made me giggle but also wince in sympathy.

Also, as others have said, fandom has exploded while you've been trapped in the hotel room, which means you might just be better off ;-)

*hugs*

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're surviving, although dealing with the Mormon salesman--well, let's just say the very picture of you dealing with this guy made me giggle but also wince in sympathy.

See, and you've met me, so you KNOW precisely how bad a match that was. It was like I was the recipient of some very special attention from the God of Comedic Situations.

[semielliptical]

I found this to be a great little distraction last night, maybe it will work for you: I Was A Little Too Lonely (You Were a Little Too Late) by jjtaylor, SGA, McKay/Sheppard, in which a puddlejumper is redecorated to look like a cabana and Rodney: ...cleans up, shaves, eats eight ham sandwiches and two pudding cups, and begins passing very methodically and very openly through the five stages of grief as though checking them off his to-do list for the whole of Atlantis to see.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Awww. That was an awesome distraction. Thank you. (Poor puddlejumper, though; we have an electronics store near us that is pretty much decorated to look like a cabana, and I can tell you that there is nothing more grim and terrifying than modern technology bedecked with fake palm fronds.)

[gogoangelgunboy.livejournal.com]

So that's how my life has been lately - specifically yesterday

i don't know why that made me laugh so hard, particularly when i'd already laughed at the mormon insurance salesman and the fluffy dog with the bouncin' and behavin' fur...

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I find it's the cumulative effect that gets me laughing. Generally when I reach the "it's either laugh or cry" point. Possibly it's the same for you?

Or maybe it's just that my life is deeply comical some days. (Other people have grouchy days. I have days where I serve as a warning to others.)

[ainsley.livejournal.com]

You really, really aren't missing anything by missing out on fandom at the moment.

Suggestions...read War and Peace (http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/2600) and pretend you're in the Pegasus galaxy. Train the dogs to bring you beer (or whatever). Learn how to knit. (I haven't read anything you haven't, and don't watch vids, and don't know fandoms you don't, hence the craptastic suggestions.)

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

You really, really aren't missing anything by missing out on fandom at the moment.

The whole situation just made me boggle. I leave for two weeks and fandom explodes. (But I'm back in my house now! I can answer comments without having to stop to dog-wrangle!)

[cpt-untouchable.livejournal.com]

*giggles helplessly* And yeah, stuff's goin' down, but a lot of it is hysteria. LJ's not persecuting fandom, or anything. Trust me, you're happier missing it.

How on earth did the Mormon get involved?

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

How on earth did the Mormon get involved?

See, the room was being cleaned. So I had to take the dogs for a walk, which I did. And then there was the peeing incident, and at that point there were very few places I could take the dogs - so few environments are really urine-friendly - so I took them to the little area with benches and a fountain, where I could sit and read my book and pretend I wasn't going to have to wash a dog in a hotel bathroom in a few minutes.

And then the Mormon showed up. And I was kind of pinned down, what with dogs and book, and also I had nowhere to go. And then conversation ensued.

I want a t-shirt that says, "Can't talk. READING." Why do people assume that other people who are reading books in public are dying for an opportunity to stop reading?

[neery.livejournal.com]

I know why you are stuck in a motel room, but why are you sharing said room with a mormon?

Also, did you really manage to wash an entire dog without getting either dirty or wet? I suspect you have special superpowers, possibly including briefly phasing out of this dimension and / or an invisible body shield.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Oh, I wasn't sharing the hotel room with the Mormon. Just a small area of outdoor space, that was all I shared with him. Well, that, and more of his personal history than I was really comfortable knowing, but apparently he needed to talk.

Also, did you really manage to wash an entire dog without getting either dirty or wet?

Yes. I did. In a hotel bathroom, no less. It is one of the proudest accomplishments of my entire life to date, and I want it mentioned at my funeral. ("She was a special woman. Once, she washed an entire dog without getting dirty or wet. And that's when we began suspecting she was a mutant." Something like that, maybe.)

I suspect you have special superpowers, possibly including briefly phasing out of this dimension and / or an invisible body shield.

Sadly, I do not. But if I did, believe me, I would totally use them while washing dogs, because I don't think normal humans were designed for this activity.

(P.S. I am out of the hotel room! I am very happy! And I've been trying to catch up on LJ, which EXPLODED while I had limited access, which is why this is kind of a belated response. Sorry!)

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

I wash my dog with kids shampoo. It makes him smell like strawberries (up until he rolls around in something gross).

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Well, under normal circumstances, we use something called Buddy Wash, which is designed for dogs. But in the hotel, I washed my dog with Physique shampoo. She smelled like apples. Very briefly, but still. And it worked so well that now I'm wondering if I should just switch to human products; kids' shampoo sounds particularly suitable. Or, ooo, I could use the Aveeno baby wash I'm addicted to - it's for skin and hair (um, for babies, but I maintain that adults can use it, too).

*plots*

(P.S. I am out of the hotel room! I am very happy! And I've been trying to catch up on LJ, which EXPLODED while I had limited access, which is why this is kind of a belated response. Sorry!)

[actionjbone.livejournal.com]

How are you?

I'm moving to Chevy Chase, Maryland after getting a new job in Rockville, Maryland.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

YAY! Congratulations!

Email me or something when you're settled in Chevy Chase?

*hugs you delightedly*

[adbaculum.livejournal.com]

Not much is going on in fandom right now. Oh, well, the sky is falling and the apocalypse draws near, but fandom is notorious for being an giant, unstoppable hydra that only gets angrier when one of its heads is cut off, so I think we'll survive.

And I got all excited for a moment when you mentioned Why People Believe Weird Things. I misread it and thought it was How to Think About Weird Things, which is my favorite textbook ever. It was the only bright spot in an otherwise miserable year long philosophy class that I was once required to take. It also gave me my user name. :D

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I misread it and thought it was How to Think About Weird Things, which is my favorite textbook ever.

Ooo. Interesting. Now I really want to read this textbook. Is this wrong? (Also note that my favorite textbook was my organic chemistry one, which rocked so much I sometimes take it out and read bits over just for fun. So it's possible the wrongness is bred in me.)

[Several minutes pass.]

I have just found How to Think About Weird Things on half.com, and am seriously considering buying it.

*ponders*

[watersword]

I'm writing snippets from the Fic Of Which We Do Not Speak. We're never going to finish by the time O13 comes out, you realise, and therefore I am preemptively declaring that any canon that does not occur in my PDF is not canon.

...I feel like a god.

This is the story I call omgcryptanalysis! because it is untitled; Bertie Wooster/Reginald Jeeves. G. "Dear Sir, I regret to inform you I will be leaving the position as your personal valet beginning immediately." Image-heavy.

Missionary Position. Rodney McKay/John Sheppard, Ronon Dex. R. "The Wraith was looking at Rodney again, fixedly. “Proceed,” it said. “Describe your non-lethal mating procedure.” What the S3 premiere might have been like if it were written by Douglas Adams on crack. Possibly the funniest fic ever.

Would you care to have me distract you with gibbering about how well-developed Will Turner has become, as a result of the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie?

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I'm writing snippets from the Fic Of Which We Do Not Speak.

YAY! Me, too. (With, you know, quite a hiatus for transferring all our worldly goods to the hotel and back again. Now that I am at last back home, I have access to the DVD, which I find is helpful for writing purposes. Hallelujah.)

We're never going to finish by the time O13 comes out, you realise, and therefore I am preemptively declaring that any canon that does not occur in my PDF is not canon.

I wholly agree, especially as I haven't even seen O12. (Um. Does that make me a bad person?)

By the way, I have assembled a list of Teen Beat coverboys for you. We will soon have actual names instead of numbers in brackets!

"Dear Sir, I regret to inform you I will be leaving the position as your personal valet beginning immediately."

AWESOME.

Missionary Position.

Have read it. Trin is, I do believe, a goddess of great and marvelous power.

Would you care to have me distract you with gibbering about how well-developed Will Turner has become, as a result of the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie?

OMG YES. (I will need many footnotes. I haven't seen it.)

[puritybrown.livejournal.com]

I see your Why People Believe Weird Things and raise you That's MR Faggot To You, which saved me from dying of boredom on a 14-hour bus journey from New York to Toronto. The teenaged boy in the yarmulke sitting next to me was most bemused by the title.

Have you seen Lenore's Invite First (http://scribblinlenore.livejournal.com/370156.html)? SGA, McKay/Sheppard, Aliens Make Them Do It with an extra helping of Repressed!Gay!Sheppard. Broke my heart and then made it all better. As did I Am Your Image Dressed As The World (http://mirabile-dictu.livejournal.com/66173.html) by mirabile_dictu: SGA fic inspired by Solaris, beautiful, poetic, melancholy, with that little sprinkling of "the Ancients were really screwed up" without which no SGA speculative fiction is complete.

(If it is permissible to self-pimp, I humbly submit that you might enjoy my Scrubs story, Things You Have To Get Used To When John Dorian Is Your Boyfriend (http://puritybrown.livejournal.com/299931.html). Also, I crossed Scrubs with Torchwood in Vinegar Pistol (http://puritybrown.livejournal.com/291668.html). I don't know why. It seemed like a good idea at the time...)

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Oh, I've read That's MISTER Faggot to You! *celebrates* But I think it would take more than that to save me from dying of boredom on a 14-hour bus trip. (Or maybe not. Maybe it would take less. On plane trips, I tend to fall asleep - as in, I close my eyes when we're taxi-ing down the runway, and I wake up when we land, and I'm like, "That was fast. Where are we?" And Best Beloved, who has watched two movies, eaten four meals, and read two paperback novels, says, "We're ON ANOTHER CONTINENT." And looks frankly bitter. So bus trips might go that way, too. Although the one I took with my ninth-grade drama class didn't, but then, I'm guessing most bus trips don't have quite that many music players going quite that loudly.)

Ooo, Invite First was indeed excellent; thanks for pointing to it. I haven't worked up to I Am Your Image, because Mirable Dictu hurts sometimes, but I'm looking forward to it.

And it is always permissible self-pimp, and that goes double when Scrubs is involved. OMG <3! And crossing it with Torchwood was a stroke of genius. Okay, mad genius, the kind of thing that could easily get you committed, but genius, is my point.

[cirrussundog.livejournal.com]

At least your dog having a metaphysical crisis with attendant digestive distress didn't decide to consume the complimentary hotel toiletries. Based on my own dog, that would have been the philosophical next step. ("Does a fresh mango scent mean that an actual mango exists? Where I could EAT it?")

Good luck!

Parhelion

(By the way, if distraction really might help, I just posted an Archie Goodwin/Saul Panzer story over at wolfe_office.)

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

At least your dog having a metaphysical crisis with attendant digestive distress didn't decide to consume the complimentary hotel toiletries.

He might very well have. This is why we stationed them high on shelves as soon as we checked in, and kept the doors shut so no dogs could obtain access to the toiletries unsupervised. Because, yes, he would definitely go down the "Where I could EAT it?" road. (The dog who actually got washed would probably have eaten it, too, if I had let her, but more in the Lab spirit of "Who cares if it's food? Let's just eat it anyway.")

(By the way, if distraction really might help, I just posted an Archie Goodwin/Saul Panzer story over at wolfe_office.)

OMG EEEEEE YAY! My secret OTP of joy! *dashes over immediately*

[tallulah71.livejournal.com]

I have a vid rec. It's not brand new, so there's a good chance you've already watched it, but I'm gonna link it anyway.

It's called The Easiest Way by thatfangirl. It's a wonderfully edited vid about Barbara Gordon's life, before and after Batgirl. It's located here (http://www.fangirl.nu/). It's the second one down on the vid page.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

OMG thank you for the rec! I love thatfangirl's Are You Out There, and I love love love Barbara Gordon. I must download that one immediately.

[norah.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey.

♥

I hope you get to go home soon!

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

OMG HOME AT LAST YAY!

[lastscorpion.livejournal.com]

I really love your dog anecdotes!

Good luck with the plumbing. :-)

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I really love your dog anecdotes!

Thank you! I wish they were as fun to live through as they are to tell people about. But it's a comfort, you know, to be listening to an insurance salesman or washing a dog and think, "Well, at least I can write a post about this."

Good luck with the plumbing.

We're back in the house, and so far so good. *crosses fingers*

[mmeguilotn.livejournal.com]

It looks like fandom has more or less managed to right itself and LJ has apologized for the snafu (see news). I have hope that it will still be here when you return.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I am back! And fandom is still here!

*clings to fandom*

Oh, never leave me, fandom. I love you so.

[dzurlady.livejournal.com]

Are you looking for distraction still? Boomshine (http://www.k2xl.com/games/boomshine/) is a fun flash game. :) Very simple but good fun! Nicest with the sound on, for once.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I think you misphrased that. You meant to say: "Boomshine is an evil flash game that will soothe your mind into a relaxed state while it TAKES OVER YOUR BRAIN. And when you finish level 12, you will start all over again, because the piano OWNS YOUR SOUL." I'm sure it was just a typographical error on your part, but really, you should be careful about these things. *cautions sternly*

*dreams of expanding dots*