thefourthvine | 173: There Is No Love Sincerer Than the Love of Food

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173: There Is No Love Sincerer Than the Love of Food

So. Hi. Earlier, I, um, made myself sick by eating an entire jar of pickles. It wasn't a small jar, either. I have no idea what I was thinking, and in fact I'm fairly well convinced I wasn't thinking. Just - there was a jar of pickles. About an hour later, the jar was there, but it contained only a small amount of brine and some random floating spices. I spent a few moments theorizing about alien pickle abductions - were they stem-end probing my Vlassics in geosynchronous orbit ? - and then I realized that a) I was going to be sick and b) this was probably not unrelated to the missing pickle mystery.

Let my experience be a lesson to you: pickles only in moderation. Also, for god's sake use a plate. (No, as a matter of fact, I was not raised in a barn, but sometimes I think my parents wished I could be.)

So, in memory of my poor lost pickles - which, oh god, ew - I give you: food-related stories.

The One That Should Be Called 'Management Techniques of the Fifty-First Century.' Although If This Is Actually How They'll Manage Then, Well, Peter Drucker Will Be Horrified. Vitamin A, by

basingstoke. Torchwood, gen.

When I bookmarked this, I noted that Torchwood is just about the only fandom I can imagine where a story can have a spanking scene between two grown men and still be gen. Jack Harkness is like some weird sexual anomaly field: nothing sex-related is impossible if he's nearby. And that includes even a totally non-sexual spanking scene.

But what I actually love about this story is - okay, there's two things. First, it's funny. And it will be especially funny to those of you who have ever managed a difficult employee. (Note: this story should not be taken as management advice. Some things can't be done by anyone but Jack Harkness; if you try this, you'll get your ass sued off. But feel free to imagine doing it in your next unpleasant work encounter.)

Second, it's a look at the way Jack Harkness's mind works. Apparently the fifty-first century has highly unusual methods of problem-solving. And they've managed to get thinking outside the box down to an art form. Or maybe that's just something peculiar to Harkness, too. (Does anyone know if there's any fan fiction that depicts life in Jack's fifty-first century aside from

cherryice's awesome Leave the Light On? I would love some good stories that explain how he got this way. And I don't mean the, you know, eternity issue, because he was what we might term a highly creative thinker long before that.)

So, what's the food connection? Coffee. Owen apparently can't make it. Or, rather, he can, but you need to be immortal (and brave) to drink it. So I guess he's kind of the Starbucks of the damned.

The One Where You Learn That a Less Known Side Effect of Membership in the Clan MacLeod Is Flexibility in the Kitchen. No, Not That Kind of Flexibility. Although That Probably Comes with the Tartan, Too. The Freshest and the Best, by

julad. Highlander, Duncan MacLeod/Methos.

This is part of Julad's shopping series (which is, by the way, thoroughly awesome); Duncan and Methos go grocery shopping. No, really, that's all that happens here, and it's wonderful. I love seeing Methos push Duncan around, even if I think the purchase and eating of eel is - well, not one of the best ideas Methos has had. Way more disgusting than a lot of pickles. (But if you are an eel eater, know that I honor and cherish your differences. And, um, I've been a vegetarian since I was 10, so I wouldn't really know, but isn't that stuff kind of rubbery? It looks like it would be rubbery.)

And I really love this version of the Duncan/Methos relationship - Methos is keeping Duncan young and flexible, which is both ironic (or, you know, the title of a book from the self-help section of the Watcher's Library - Chicken Soup for the Immortal's Soul: Tips on Staying Young from the World's Oldest Man) and totally appropriate, because someone needs to do that. (Look. I love Duncan as much as the next girl, but sometimes he acts like he has a katana up his ass.) In this story, Methos makes the decisions about the really important things - food, sex, saffron - and leaves the unimportant stuff - the Game, beheading, vengeance - for MacLeod to do at some point when it doesn't inconvenience Methos. In short, this is Highlander one of the ways I love it: light, funny, with characters I can honestly believe have lived a long, long time.

Additional bonus: you get TWO recipes for eel! Sort of! I mean, this isn't going to do me much good, but if you've got a lot of eel sitting around (deceased eel, obviously - if you've got a live eel, that's a whole different story) and you can't think what to do with it (which seems to be the likely outcome of having a lot of dead eel), here are some ideas.

The One That, I'm Warning You Right Now, Will Make You Think Impure Thoughts about Desserts. A Little Cheesecake, by

kassrachel. The Sentinel, Jim Ellison/Blair Sandburg.

We've all fallen in love with a cheesecake - oh, don't even tell me you haven't; I saw you with that luscious slice of New York style, stroking her creamy sides and licking her off your fork, and don't think I didn't hear you moan - but most of us don't, um, take it quite as far as Jim does in this story. (And, no, seriously, stop thinking about American Pie. Stop it right now. He doesn't take it that far. At least not in this story, and I think it's safe to say I will never rec the story where he does. Although no one should consider that a challenge, please.)

This is a great look at Jim at the beginning of the series: so repressed he cannot be in the same state, or even plane, as an emotion. And it's a great look at how Blair is the perfect fit for that. See, there's a conversation in this that - okay. The first time I read this story, I had to click away in the middle of it because my embarrassment squick warning went off. If you've got an embarrassment squick, you're probably familiar with this. It's like the aura before a migraine; it's this little internal monitor that says, "Warning: this could get embarrassing, and then you will die. Just FYI!" So, you know, I paused in my reading to fortify myself. And then I clicked back.

And the thing is, Blair just manages this conversation like he was talking about chopsticks or something. He is the perfect counterbalance to early canon Jim: he's like a mediator, forcing Jim to get in touch with his emotions. Only Blair's mediation sessions come with blow jobs. (Note for licensed mediators: do not try this in your place of work.)

The One That Should Come with a Warning Reading, "Will Put a Song in Your Head That You Hoped You'd Forgotten." No, Not Celine Dion. Even Worse. But It's Worth It, I Promise. Four Boots, Five Thousand Two Hundred and Eighty Feet, by

kormantic. Stargate: Atlantis, Rodney McKay/John Sheppard.

Bodyswap, people. Bodyswap. Is there anything better? No, there isn't. And this is an awesome bodyswap, filled with humor and fruit and comparative analysis of asses, so you want to read this RIGHT NOW.

And now every single one of you who hasn't already read this has clicked and is no longer reading this sentence; I can safely assume I'm addressing just those of you who have read it. (Okay, fine. And everybody who doesn't read SGA, and everybody who doesn't read fan fiction at all.) So I can tell you that in this story, Rodney and John learn a lesson that got totally skipped in kindergarten, at least for me, which is: if you start sharing there's just no end to it, and eventually you end up unable to call even your body parts truly your own.

(That would make an awesome lesson, don't you think? My kindergarten was clearly deficient. Although I'm not sure how you prepare small children for the future rigors of bodyswapping. Is there a felt board or a fingerplay for that? Maybe a song with mnemonic hand gestures?)

So, basically, on the Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Fan Fiction chart, this would be: share, but only with people you wouldn't mind having sex with, because we all know where sharing leads. (But another thing I've learned from fan fiction is that everyone wants to have sex with everyone, even tentacles, so, really, I guess this wouldn't change much.)

The food in this one, by the way, sounds genuinely tasty. But remember, kids: keep your alien fruit to yourself unless you want to get laid.

The One You Should Not Read Around Mealtime Unless You Are a Really Adventurous Eater. A Hell of a Dinner, by

daegaer. Good Omens, gen.

And here's a story that I had to include because it a) is wonderful and b) features the most revolting dinner you could pay 115 pounds for (um, because I'm too lazy to look it up, does anyone know how to make the pound sign on an American keyboard?), complete with a link to the restaurant where you can go to get your very own expensive and hideous dinner. (BACON. In ICE CREAM. There are absolutely no words for this horror. And I cannot believe our governments are worried about things like drugs and terrorism in a world where people openly and wantonly make sardine sorbet. Priorities, people! Biggest problems first! Solve them with guns if necessary!) This is precisely the sort of food Crowley would fancy. In fact, he probably sat through the entire meal feeling vaguely bitter that he didn't think of it first.

(I also have my suspicions about who did think of it. Has anyone seen Famine since the world didn't end?)

In any case, this story is perhaps the ultimate thing to read when you want to feel better about making yourself sick with pickles. (...Yeah, okay, that's an audience that is limited to just me. Me and my SHAME. But it's also worth reading even if you've never had a pickle in your life.) Because you can read it and think, "Well, at least I didn't pay 115 pounds for those pickles." And also you will be very very grateful that it was just pickles you ate, and not pickle flavored ice cream. (Probably it be a sorbet, actually. Zesty dill pickle sorbet. Okay. Ew. Oh my god, ew. Actually, I - I think I need to go lie down right now.)

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You could try alt-3 for a £ sign, which works when I switch my keyboard to American. The link has to be for Heston Blumenthal's restaurant (http://observer.guardian.co.uk/foodmonthly/story/0,,1145616,00.html). It's quite something when snail porridge isn't the most revolting sounding thing on the menu. And I've eaten jellied eels, so I know revolting.

Many thanks for the recs. I feel I should start reading Sentinel as there is a whole archive full of great stuff that I've never even dipped a toe into. I don't have to actually *watch* the bloody thing, do I?

I found a reply to a comment from you the other day that I had missed, shamefully -- if you still need XF info on which episodes will not make you want to strangle the showrunner please let me know

the sentinel in five minutes (which i can do because it's sort of a 'one true fandom' for me):

Jim Ellison: detective in cascade, washington, at the major crimes division. he has five enhanced senses, an occasionally enhanced sixth sense which he's not really sure he likes, and a lot of repressed emotions that he *absolutely certain* he dislikes dealing with.

Blair Sandburg: anthropology grad student working on his doctorate's, thesis: Sentinels. he helps Jim with his senses, cons the rest of the world into thinking Jim doesn't have any senses, and digs like crazy to get at Jim's emtions.

overall story-arc from season 1 to season 4: it's a two-fer-one show. jim's arc is basically becoming more himself: more comfortable with his feelings, more comfortable with what he can do and who he is. blair's story arc is a rather classic fool's journey (a la the tarot card mythology) in which he learns about life and his position in it, and how to relate to it. his mental thought processes are growing from the abstract to the concrete, so to speak.

slash-factor: 90% of the audience, male and female, agrees that this couple is so doing it. it doesn't matter that they're never shown as doing it, or that they both have babe-of-the-week-itis, they're definitely in bed together. this is not helped by interview statements from actors and directors supporting this idea, even in fun, or blooper reels that show jim and blair walking along hand in hand.

-bs

Thank you so much for the quick catch-up. I know what Jim and Blair look like from brief glimpses on the sci-fi channel and I did read a couple of things about five years ago but I was still too invested in my own One True Show at the time to get into anything else. Now I sort of know where I am maybe I should dive in. Any recs?

i'm rather fond of action, so my picks tend to be different than other folks' stuff, but anything by resonant8 should be good.

if you have a yen for tough subjects, try 'beggar's ride', and 'masks' by Susan (no, i don't remember her last name - but it isn't Foster). these are both gen stories that deal with rape issues. i'm fond of them for personal reasons - but you know, not for the weak of stomach.

if you're looking for the lighter side, iirc 'Checklist' was one of my favorites.

i'm drawing a blank on slash fiction, weirdly enough, but in TS, it's sort of hard to separate the gen from the slash. otoh, TFV here has done a Sentinel-themed rec post, i believe, and she has good taste.

-bs

The link has to be for Heston Blumenthal's restaurant. It's quite something when snail porridge isn't the most revolting sounding thing on the menu.

It does indeed go to the Fat Duck. And, seriously, snail porridge is not even in the running for the Ick Prize. (That was voted the top restaurant? OMG, Guardian readers!)

And I've eaten jellied eels, so I know revolting.

...I didn't know people actually ATE jellied eels. I thought it was manufactured as a prank and sold to people who couldn't get to church to do their penance. I salute your intestinal fortitude!

I feel I should start reading Sentinel as there is a whole archive full of great stuff that I've never even dipped a toe into. I don't have to actually *watch* the bloody thing, do I?

Not at all. I've seen approximately 10 minutes of the show. The fan fiction is universally accessible. See, there's these two guys. And they are SO DOING IT. That's basically all you need to know.

if you still need XF info on which episodes will not make you want to strangle the showrunner please let me know

I - and, more specifically, Best Beloved - would VERY much appreciate it. Yes, please!

Jellied eels are a renowned Cockney delicacy what you can get at the pie and mash shop. I had them in Greenwich and they tasted all right but OMG the texture was vile. This is also the shop which does pie, mash and liquor (sadly a thin parsley sauce rather than the hard stuff) Up north where I come from you get chips and gravy instead. And sometimes chips and peawet. I think I'll leave it there.

Here's an idiosyncratic guide to XF from S2 - s7.

I'd recommend watching Sleepless/Duane Barry/Ascension/One Breath, because you get the first glimpse of Krycek and his metamorphosis from oily superkeen agent to traitor, and it's important. "3", which falls between the latter two has no Scully, except as a presence in Mulder's mind and is a bit dull, IMO

The next one that's great is "Irresistible" because of its horrible premise, though there is rescuing of Scully, which some do not like.

I quite like Død Kalm, for its comedy make-up, bad Norwegian accents and belief that a ship could sail from Leeds (which is 40 miles inland) but that's a personal thing.

The must-watch standalone is "Humbug", which is the Darin Morgan-scripted Jim Rose circus episode and is funny and gloriously weird. "F Emasculata" will press any remaining grossout buttons you have as yet unpressed.

After this, it's the Anasazi/Blessing Way/Paperclip trilogy, which in retrospect marks the moment where the mytharse started taking itself way too seriously. It has all the good things about XF in it (Scully being cool, high stakes, intriguing mystery linked to history) and ALL THE BAD THINGS (Mulder turning into an asshole for reasons of plot machination, godawful voiceovers, terrible mock-spiritualism) Yet in this one, it had not yet crossed the line.

Okay, season three, which is my favourite.
The shining jewel is "Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose", which is Darin Morgan again. Peter Boyle stars as Clyde, the man who can see how you die. It's funny and sad and deeply peculiar.

Avoid "2Shy", it is wank. "Nisei/731" is the first mytharse double-header of the season. Mulder turns into an asshole, but the episodes are not bad.

"Revelations" is aces, about Scully and religion ("Mulder, would you smell Mr Jarvis?").

"War of the Coprophages", which follows it, is also wonderful, because even though Mulder is an asshole and everyone ends up covered in shit, it is done with humour and sly in-jokes. "Syszgy", which follows it, is Chris Carter trying to copy that style. He cannot. The idiot.

"Grotesque" is the Mulder profiler episode, which is very dark and got an 18 rating here. I liked it a lot because of the backstory and because it's a Mulder episode with good Scully in it.

You should watch "Teso Dos Bichos" but fast, because it is terrible and that makes it funny.

The next truly great episode is "Pusher", which may be the best traditional XF ep ever. It's about a man who can force other's to do his will, has many great standoffs and lovely dialogue. No one's character gets butchered in service to the plot.

The best episode for long-term fans is probably "Jose Chung's From Outer Space" aka, The X-Files Takes The Piss Out Of Itself. The narrative is Rashomon-like.

I quite like "Wetwired", in which Scully falls victim to psychosis-inducing blipverts, but that's just me.

Ignore Talitha Cumi/Herrenvolk. They're just shite and annoying mytharse eps and Mulder is an asshole (are you sensing a theme?)

Season 4 proper kicks off with "Home" which is a sick little puppy of an episode about an inbred family which is half the plot of a horror film.

"Unruhe" is a good episode with an excellent performance from Pruitt Taylor Vince and some decent foreshadowing but Scully needs rescuing and if that annoys you, you may like to be warned.

"Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man" is about Cancerman and I liked it. I thought it was funny, but you have to care about the secondary characters to be arsed to watch it

Tunguska/Terma is more mytharse, but I quite like it. It has Krycek and deadly oil and Scully getting banged up for contempt of Congress and other good stuff.

"Paper Hearts" is a good episode which relies on Mulder acting in a way which would probably get him fired and jailed in the real world. Nevertheless it's a good Scully episode, where she calls him on bullshit, and there's good dialogue.

"El Mundo Gira" tends to be hated by Americans and liked by non-Americans. It's about migrant workers and the power of stories and I like it because of that, but it's lesser XF.

The cancer arc now begins. The acting in this is great, but you may not like the arc itself, which has TV cancer, you know, where people are not wretched and ragged and sick as dogs, like you get in actual life, but instead float about looking photogenically wan, with strategic nosebleeds.
'
"Never Again" is a Scully goes off the rails' story. I like it. I find the story she tells herself when she's down and miserable and Mulder is being an asshole to ring true psychologically, even if I dislike the whole thing of women being punished for showing their sexuality. I forgive it the latter because of the former.

"Memento Mori" kicks off the arc proper and has all the necessary information for the next bit of the show. It has nice moments but I am not sure I like it entirely.

"Small Potatoes" is one that everyone loves and I hate because it makes light of taking sexual advantage of women. I think it's tosserly and twattish and any amount of delightful dialogue cannot save it but I am in the minority

The three-part season ender/s5 opener "Gethsemane/Redux I/Redux II" I like a lot because it rounds off the themes of the XF -- family, truth, belief -- and isn't too self-involved. You can stop watching here and the series has a thematic roundness. Alas, there were another four years to go.

From now on I am going to ignore the mytharse whenever possible as it just turns into utter wank.

"Post-Modern Prometheus" is written by Carter, shot in black and white, loved by many, and reprises the themes of Small Potatoes. Ugh.

"Christmas Carol/Emily" is about fertility and medical rape, but not in any sensitive way, and almost made me stop watching the series.

"Killswitch" though is William Gibson, and it's terrific, if implausible.

"Bad Blood" is XF taking the piss out of itself with added vampires and is pretty funny. Also: Luke Wilson.

"All Souls" is Scully and religion and the aftermath of "Emily" and I quite like it except Mulder is SUCH an ASSHOLE in it

"The Pine Bluff Variant" is overlooked but I like it; it's a small-scale conspiracy episode with the tantalising suggestion that Mulder has gone bad.

"The End/the movie/The Beginning" Meh. This was where we all began to realise they had no earthly clue where they were going with the mytharse and it would all end badly.

s6
"Drive", like "Pine Bluff Variant" is a nice, small-scale conspiracy ep.

"Triangle" is a bravura piece of telly, consisting of multiple time-frames, long takes and Wizard of Oz refs and is fun, but utter bollocks.

"Dreamland i/II" has Michael McKean in it, which is fabulous, and 60 minutes of plot in 90 minutes of episode, which is not.

"Terms of Endearment" is unforgiveable on two counts: it is stupid, continuity-ignoring dreck and it wastes Bruce Campbell.

"Tithonus" should be watched, as it is fantastic Scully and good dialogue and Mulder is endearing, though in it only briefly.

"Monday" is the Groundhog Day episode but it's good for all that, with plenty of interest in the iterations.

Everyone likes "Milagro" except me. It's about Scully and affairs of the heart and a writer who is stalking her. I think it is cataclysmically stupid but I am in the minority.

"The Unnatural" OTOH, is a love letter to the series written by Duchovny. The leads are only in the show as bookends but the central fable, about an alien playing baseball, is lovely.

"Field Trip" continues the tradition of the penultimate episode of any season being good

s7
"Biogenesis/The Sixth Extinction/Amor Fati" Seriously, only fanfic got me through the stupid here. Amor Fati is The LAst Temptation of Christ as an XF episode. Let that be a warning.

"Millennium" is a crossover with the eponymous TV show, and it's all right. Not as good as something with zombies should be.

"The Goldberg Variations" is delightful. Funny and whimsical and just the right (small) dose of cute.

"Orison" is a sequel to Irresistible and is interesting and possibly enraging.

Do not, under any circumstances, watch Closure. The STUPID will HURT YOU.

"X-Cops" is reasonably funny and lightweight but the next one I would urge you to watch is "En Ami", in which Scully takes a ride with the Cancerman. It is, at least, interesting.

"All Things" was written and directed by Gillian Anderson. It is interestingly directed but the script is a patience-testing character study and not much of a plot.

The last wonderful episode of XF ever is "Je Souhaite", about a genie. Everyone is in character, the dialogue is good and it has real affection for the series.

And if I were you, I would stop there. Half of S7 isn't even worth watching and s8-9, despite some good episodes, gut Scully's character (and mulder's come to that)

Watching XF is really a triumph of the personal brain-oubliette -- forget the woeful icky stuff, ignore the bad stuff, love the great stuff

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173: There Is No Love Sincerer Than the Love of Food

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s3 pt II

s4-5

s5-7