Slashy Nominations 38: Masturbation Can Be Fun

[thefourthvine]

This set is not for those with decision-making disorders, because each entry asks you to make a choice. Think of it as a sort of Choose Your Own Adventure, only with less adventure and way more masturbation-intensive porn. Which, come to think of it, can only improve the CYOA genre.

Best FF That Provides Truly Useful and Interesting Etiquette Advice: The Isle Is Full of Noises, by The Great Communicator, aka communicator. Master & Commander movie, Aubrey/Maturin. I swear, that tent where Maturin recovered from the gunshot wound sees more action than most bedrooms. Hell, it sees more action than most bedrooms in brothels. Not that I am complaining or anything. Oh, and the etiquette advice answers a question I don't think Emily Post ever addressed: what do I do when I realize that my best friend knows that I'm watching him jerk off? You can decide for yourself whether you prefer Aubrey's answer or Maturin's.

Best FF That Demonstrates That Mutants Should Carefully Consider Possible Abbreviations Before They Choose Their Codenames, Because "Shatty" Is a Fairly Awful Thing to Be Called During Intimate Moments: What Is Already Known, by Janete, aka 3jane and thete1. X-Force, Shatterstar/Rictor. This story features seduction via masturbation, a technique that really should be far more widely used. In, you know, my strictly personal opinion. It also features a few "don't try this at home" moments, but after all, that's why we love fan fiction. Well, one of the reasons. And as for the codename - you can decide for yourself whether you'd rather be called Shatty or Star, if you were a male-alien-mutant-thing. Not an easy choice, and one that could've been totally avoided if the people who created Shatterstar had spared a single second to think about sex. I mean, of course, sex and Shatterstar together.

Best FF That Will Make You Glad You're a Muggle and Can Thus Read Your Porn Online. (Plus, Our Porn Is Evidently *Way* Better Than Theirs.): Four Letter Words, by Breed, aka weatherby. Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter. Hearing Draco read a smutty novel out loud - doing all the voices and everything - would probably make me swear off sex for life. Not so Harry. There are some priceless details in this story, but my favorite line is this one: "'You'd think the wood would start to get warped or something if you did that all the time,' Ron whispers." No, I won't tell you the context; just go read it, and reflect on the differences between the wizard world and ours. In ours, for example, no one would ever ever ever sit on the floor in a public toilet, but apparently they have spells to keep them from being icky. On the other hand, as I said, we have easy access to excellent porn. I'll leave it to you to decide which you prefer. (Oh, and don't miss the comments on this one; there's a description of a real porn novel that left me choking with laughter.)

Best FF Featuring the Kind of Masturbation You Hope You'll Never Have to Do and the Kind of Names I Hope You'll Never, Ever Call Yourself: Pressure Is Rising, by clionaeilis. Due South, Ray Kowalski all alone. This is a masturbation story that features social and emotional commentary as well as, you know, the whole solo-sex thing; it's amazing how well the author captures that inner voice that repeats things we don't want to hear, over and over and over until we really just want to hit something, especially when it's hot out. And the last few lines are just killers. If you've ever felt like putting in a few minutes with Ray Kowalski, angst, and jerking off, this would be your story.

And if this isn't your kind of story, well - a Certain Person now requires that I offer a happy option with all Due South angst and sadness. Here's the alternate story - just as good, but totally angst-free.

Best FF That Explains Just How Erotic a Totally G-Rated Voice Mail Message Can Be If Benton Fraser Is the One Who Leaves It (and Ray Kowalski Is the One Who Gets It): Flying Solo, by estrella30. Due South, Ray Kowalski/Benton Fraser. Yes, folks, this is the second story that features masturbation in a public toilet, and this time the, um, performer doesn't even have the excuse of being a teenager in a magically germ-free world. But we'll all excuse him, because, hey, it's Ray, and he's in love with Ben, and all is right in the world, mmm? And this is the final decision I'll ask you to make today: you can decide for yourself whether you prefer your masturbating Ray to be angsty or angst-free. (We already know what a Certain Person will choose.)

Comments

[switchknife.livejournal.com]

W00t! You recced 'Four Letter Words'! It's absolutely tasty, innit?

Make sure to read Breed's other work (http://bloom.velveteen.net/) as well. You might want link to link to that page instead of to her LJ, since many people make the mistake of calling her 'Weatherby', but her writing name is in fact 'Breed'.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

It is extremely tasty. And I love the way she uses the non-pairing characters; so many people in the HP world forget that there's other people besides, you know, whoever they plan to get into bed (or up on the Astronomy Tower, or in the Room of Requirement, or...). And I love the way she incorporates humor.

Oh, and thanks for the info on her name. I fixed it in the entry. And of course I have to check out her other page, and then I'll use that as her link.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

And I forgot to say - because I think it's pretty much assumed in every HP fic I use, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't spell it out - thank you thank you thank you for your recs site and your personal, well, pimping and for helping me embrace the wonderful weirdness that is HP. You have totally sucked me deeper into this fandom, and the sad part is that I love you for it.

[switchknife.livejournal.com]

LOL! Sweetheart, it's the authors who should be getting credit, not me! Don't even think about it. As long as you keep reccing HP, I'll be a happy little knife.

And do check out more of Breed! I love her 'Tomorrow', which is on her site, and is one of the best short Snape/Harry stories ever. Alas, it's the only Snape/Harry she ever wrote...

[estrella30.livejournal.com]

Wow! Thanks so very much. I'm wildly flattered here!

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Well, it's a wonderful story. Loved "Dancing," too; it was so perfect it sucked me into the darkness that is Ray/Ray. And I'd been resisting so well, too. Which is unusual for me. Sigh.

[norah.livejournal.com]

Woo! Well, I haven't even read any of the fic yet, but your lead in made it clear that you have not yet seen the Create Your Own Erotic Fantasy (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1592400310/104-0387039-5896740?%5Fencoding=UTF8&coliid=I1FBJPGII9S8J9&colid=1N719J9DII719) books, nor the Date With Destiny (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1931686408/ref=pd_sim_books_3/104-0387039-5896740?v=glance&s=books) series. How'ya like them apples?

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I hardly know what to say. Except, I suppose, that anything I can imagine is already in existence somewhere.

(I suppose this means that I should never do that post on my favorite non-existent FF.)

Are those things...any good?

[norah.livejournal.com]

I'll let you know - I ordered the one about the professor today, should get it in a bit. The "Date With Destiny" ones look godawful. I just love that they EXIST, whether or not they are any good - like the pop-up Kama Sutra, the mere fact that there are such things, such fucked-up ideas-come-to-fruition in this world, makes it better.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

You're right. We should revel in a world where there's an actual publishing industry for adult Choose Your Own Adventures. (Am I the only one who read the kids' CYOA books by starting at page one and reading each page in order no matter what the damn instructions said? Yeah, probably. I was such a pedantic and obsessive little brat.)

And definitely tell me if the professor one is good, because that one actually sounded sort of, well, funny. Though I'll probably go to some special Bad Reader hell for thinking so.

[norah.livejournal.com]

No, I read the CYOA books the same way. That way you knew you hadn't missed out on any of the events.

I'll review it once I've read it - it's more a curosity for my little collection of odd books (like the pop up Kubla Khan, as well as the pop-up Kama Sutra, and the Harlequins in Greek, and the Very Hungry Caterpillar in Spanish, and ...)

"If you deep-throat him, turn to page 15. If you take your time and decide to lick his balls instead, turn to page 32."

*snerk*

[ardent-muses.livejournal.com]

Generally, I won't read unhappy DS stories. However, for me, this particular "choice" is harder than I would have suspected. Estrella's a great person, and the story (which I hadn't seen before tonight) is terrific. SO hot.

On the other hand, Cliona's story could easily look like pre-slash. (The happy ending happens tomorrow. *G*) Also, Cliona is one of my favorite people. I didn't remember until I read it again that I actually betaed that story.

Damn, I'm good. *G*

It's unfortunate for me that I don't live in the HP world, because I have a severe undiagnosed germ-phobic neurosis *G* that makes it hard for me to read any kind of sex act set in a public restroom. If I accidentally read one, I have to wash my hands repeatedly until I get over the dirty feeling. (And sometimes, as in Estrella's case, it's worth it.) I don't suppose that HP story included the text of the bathroom floor spell? *G*

I'm just glad that both kinds of stories are out there, and you can (and did) make a case for either.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Hey, so if you know Cliona, do you know if there's an archive of her fic anywhere? I'd love to read more of her stuff, but I can't seem to find a website and she doesn't have memories or any real way to go through everything she's written.

Oh, and my own secret way of coping with the sad ending of Cliona's story: I viewed these stories as sort of unofficially linked, and Estrella's story is what happens several years after Cliona's. When, you know, the happy ending has already happened. (Now someone just needs to write the bridge story, where we actually see the happy ending. Got any plans for the weekend, Ardent?)

And, yeah, public bathroom sex tends to oook me out, too. I could handle it in the HP story 'cause I told myself they had special cleanliness spells or something there, and in Estrella's case I just decided it was worth it, even though I cringed when Ray touched the walls of the stall (eeeewww!). But, hell, if the HP story had told me how to work the anti-germ spell, I'd've been doing that tonight; forget posting, you know? What this world really needs is antiseptic bathrooms, not more Slashies.

[ardent-muses.livejournal.com]

Hey, so if you know Cliona, do you know if there's an archive of her fic anywhere?

Ah, if only. She doesn't have a site that I know of but, after she reads this, maybe she'll put one together. *G* She's just left on vacation, so she'll be incommunicado for a bit. I did send her a tip-off so she can come by when she gets home and bask in your praise.

I'm trying to remember which fandoms Cliona has written in. She dipped her toe in Due South, but I know she's written more in Oz. (Do you think you want to pick up another fandom? *G* Her stories are worth reading even if you aren't an Oz fan, though.) I just checked to see if she's archived those stories. If so, I can't find it. :(

I viewed these stories as sort of unofficially linked,

Oooh! Good idea. That works for me.

(Now someone just needs to write the bridge story, where we actually see the happy ending. Got any plans for the weekend, Ardent?)

As Ray would say, "Hardy ha ha". *G* Wish I could, though. They're both terrific.

in Estrella's case I just decided it was worth it, even though I cringed when Ray touched the walls of the stall (eeeewww!).

Oh my God, get out of my head, please! That's exactly what I did. That part when his palm got slippery and it slid down the stall wall? I'm thinking "two, three billion germs right there". Aieeee! I just hope he used some hand sanitizer when he got back to his desk. *G*

(And yes, it was worth it.)

What this world really needs is antiseptic bathrooms, not more Slashies.

ROFL! Yea, verily.

[clionaeilis.livejournal.com]

Hey, wow, thanks for that wonderful recommendation, I'm so glad you liked it! As Ardent mentions above, I'm more a dabbler than anything else when it comes my fandoms and fanfics....but, inspired by your question, I have pulled together what various bits I have written and logged them into my LJ memories, so have at them if you'd like.

You'll see a couple entries of RP fic, for a LOTR-related AU that a bunch of us created, Hobbitpolooza (like Lollapolooza only with LOTR faces)...and that was my first toe-dip into what's become my main focus since then, RP slash. I know that's not a lot of folks' taste, but there you are, that's where you'll find me these days, over on JF.
If you'd like to read some of that, let me know, I'll drop you a link.

Again, thanks for the lovely words!

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Thank you for putting your fics in your memories. I'm very much enjoying reading them.

Unfortunately, I don't do RPS (I'm not, like, opposed to it or anything - I just get all geechy when I try to read it). So, I'm glad you're happy in RPS, but I hope you'll still write FPS from time to time.