thefourthvine | 187: Change Is the Only Constant

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187: Change Is the Only Constant

Recently,

svmadelyn linked to some free Harlequin books, and she mentioned a NASCAR romance novel as being one of the ones available.

I had to look. I had no choice. NASCAR romance novels, people! (I have, um, a weird obsession with NASCAR marketing. I could not care less about the drivers, but I dream of being able to meet the geniuses at NASCAR HQ. True fact, and don’t ask me why, as I have at least five thousand words of answer that I’m just dying to share.)

Anyway. I totally recommend the Harlequin site. It features a sort of Mad Libs (does anyone else remember those?), romance novel style, which they suggest you can use to insert yourself into a story, but I am here to tell you that you can put in Rodney McKay and John Sheppard or Merlin and Arthur Pendragon, change up some of the pronouns, and get the most awesome FF summaries ever. I especially recommend doing the Mars one with the SGA characters or the tycoon one with Smallville.

And then I was looking through the sincerely awful, and I do mean awful (if you were offering free samples, wouldn’t you try to pick good ones, or at least ones that aren’t openly gag-inducing?), summaries of the books available for download, and I found this one:

When a blizzard strands Fiona MacPherson and her students in Oregon's Cascade Mountains, their only hope of survival is to seek shelter at Thunder Mountain Lodge. Their host is John Fallon, a handsome, enigmatic war veteran haunted by secrets and scars that may never heal.

John Fallon never imagined he'd be playing host to this captivating teacher and her eight teenage charges. But when his solitude is shattered by their arrival, his world shifts on its axis. He needs Fiona—but does she need him? There's only one way to find out. The ex-soldier must find the courage to reach out to the remarkable woman who has transformed his life…

I read this to Best Beloved and said, "Oh my god, it's a Sentinel AU!" And it is! Look at it! Professor Blair Sandburg takes a group of second-year students on a field trip and they get stranded in Oregon's Cascade Mountains. Fortunately, they just happen to be near Thunder Mountain Lodge, owned by Jim Ellison, a handsome, enigmatic veteran haunted by secrets and tormented by senses out of his control.

(Jim, in this AU, obviously couldn't control the senses very well after his return from Peru, and couldn't take living in the city. He had no choice but to buy this remote lodge. And Blair couldn't find a sentinel for his dissertation, so he had no choice but to choose a different topic, and now he's an actual professor. Blair can help Jim! Jim needs him! But can he learn to love again? Hint: Yes. Yes, he can.)

If you try to tell me that is not perfect, I will openly laugh at you.

Obviously, this got me thinking about AUs. (It also got me wistfully wishing for more Harlequin challenges. These summaries are fan fiction gold, people. There's an obvious Highlander one, and several that would work for Smallville, and, just, really: Harlequin AUs. In quantity, and in every fandom in the land. Is that so much to ask?)

Hence, an AU recs set.

The One That Teaches Us That Surviving the End of the World Ought to Be Featured Way at the Top of the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale. With, Like, a Point Value of Nine Million. The Hard Prayer, by

rheanna27. Stargate: Atlantis, Rodney McKay/John Sheppard.

And we start with one that could not be more unlike a Harlequin AU. However, it also could not be more awesome, so that's okay.

This is an apocalypse AU. Usually the end of the world makes me geechy - can’t imagine why! - and, in all honesty, this story did freak me out somewhat, and there were a couple spots I had to skim on account of my own personal issues. But. Wow. Seriously. So very, very worth it. I can’t even tell you how much.

What I love about this story is what Rheanna does with the characters we know and adore. They've been changed, seriously changed, by what's happened - as indeed one would be. Live through the apocalypse, anyone's going to get a little twitchy, you know? And John and Rodney are indeed very, very twitchy. I found myself nodding along as I read this, thinking that this was totally how they'd snap, if they were going to snap. (And if I have a personal motto, it’s: once the world is over, you might as well snap. What, like it can get worse?)

It's particularly interesting to me - and, upon reflection, totally right - that John is the one who can't handle the situation as well. John, in some ways, is a border collie: he needs a pack. Rodney just needs a goal. (And, of course, they neeeeeeeed each other! Look, sorry, I'm an OTPer by nature; I had to add that. It's in my OTP Fan Contract, right under "Sulk a little bit when your friends start writing other pairings.")

(And, for the benefit of any readers who might be Best Beloved and thus even more allergic to apocalypse stories than I am: yes, it has a happy ending. Read this, damn it.)

The One That Shows That the Punishment for Adultery Is Hot Sex with Stephen Maturin. Are You Feeling Deterred at All? Duende, by

astolat. Master and Commander, Jack Aubrey/Stephen Maturin.

Is there any AU more marvelous than a Master and Commander AU by

astolat? No. No, there is not. And this is just a classic: swords! Magic! Swordfights! Life bonds! Duels! If you've ever thought to yourself that what O'Brian's series was really lacking was at least 400% more swordfighting Maturin, this is the story for you.

Even if you've never thought that - and I admit it, I hadn't, possibly because I am just of very limited imagination - this is still the story for you. (Even if you, like me, are kind of geeched by the idea of life bonds. And, look, I know they are a classic trope of slash fiction, not to mention vampire fiction for the YA set. I've read many excellent stories featuring said trope (from slash fiction only; I've pretty much wimped out on the YA vampire life bonds, I admit). But I tell you this, and tell you true: waking up eternally bound to someone, your lives physically linked together, unable to stand separation, and possibly with telepathy: oh my god, that is my nightmare. If there's a hell, that's what it looks like.)

It's amazing to me how well the Master and Commander universe adapts to anything: space! Magic! Life bonds! Dragons! I'm pretty sure a Master and Commander with vampires, or lightsabers, or even fairies and the Seelie Court and maybe Thomas the Rhymer would work awesomely well.

Or maybe it's just the magic of

astolat - she has the secret, special power of putting O'Brian's characters in any situation and making the resultant story something you would happily read fifteen volumes of. In which case, I'm really hoping whoever she gets assigned next Yuletide has requested the Seelie Court AU.

The One That Proves That Maybe a Real Marriage of True Minds Isn't Something Most of Us Should Be Hoping For. Walked Right out of the Machinery, by

rydra_wong. Stargate: SG-1, gen.

Oh my god. This is - this is just - I just have so much love for this story. It's brilliant. I love Jack O'Neill so damn much, and this is kind of the ultimate story for Jack-lovers: this is pure, perfectly-written Jack; Jack as he would have been in the canon if someone as talented and imaginative as

rydra_wong had been writing him.

And that's kind of odd, given that this is a rather changed Jack. I don't want to spoil it - the slow reveal (and, seriously, all you impatient types: let that reveal happen, because it is SO WORTH IT, and if my reassurance isn't enough for you, know that there is an awesome shipboard battle waiting for you near the end) is part of the pleasure, here. But this is Jack not exactly as we know him. It's just, somehow that makes him almost a distillation of Jack. Eighty proof Jack, if I can be pardoned for making a really awful joke.

No? Unpardonable? Okay. I stand by my low sense of humor.

Now, I tell you honestly: I realize this is AU from a specific point in the canon, but I, of course, don't know the canon, and I can't figure out what that point is. (Possibly some kind soul will tell us all in the comments. Kind souls? Are you out there?) You don't need to know that to read this, though. In fact, as long as you know the basic tenets of the SG1 universe (Egyptian gods, American military, snakes-why'd-it'd-have-to-be-snakes, Ascension, and there you go), you could read this without any canon knowledge at all.

All of you who are right now wondering where you will get your science fiction, now that half the genre has been tarnished with the brush of a whiter shade of fail - here's part of your answer. This is one of the three best SF novels I read in 2008 - any format, anywhere. It is incredible.

The One That Features a Padawan of Convenience. How Wonderful Is That? Episode One: The Quiet Padawan, by

flambeau. The Phantom Menace x Georgette Heyer. I am really not kidding about that, and you would think it could not possibly work, but you would be wrong. Qui-Gon Jinn/Obi-Wan Kenobi, sort of.

So. I put off reading this for almost two years, largely because George Lucas has scarred my psyche so badly that even the words "Star Wars," can, in certain cases, make me weep giant tears of true pain. I'm so Star Wars phobic that I didn't even see Episode Three: Let's Cut Some Limbs Off, or whatever it was called, largely because I believe in that old saying: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, and we'll have to enter couples counseling. There's shame on both sides, Mr. Lucas, but I have no intention of entering couples counseling with you, mostly because lives would probably be lost.

(Long before we'd read any fan fiction, and just before TPM came out, Best Beloved and I sketched out exactly how we'd do episodes one through three. I still dream that those movies were made, some nights. Those are happy nights. Basically, our fantasy movies remain my own personal canon, and I just pretend the real movies were something I found on fanfiction.net.)

Anyway. Enough about my Star Wars trauma. Let's talk about this story. Because, oh, I am so sorry I put off reading it. It is brilliant. It is perfect. It is a work of stunning genius. If you've never read Heyer (her romances, I mean; I think I'm alone, and I mean alone in the universe, in having loved most of her mystery novels), it doesn't matter. Think mannered regency romance. With Jedis. He's a master who has loved before, and badly! And he's a young, rustic student with a stain on his reputation and a need for a master! And Yoda is a meddling busybody who always knows best! And Mace Windu has a hangover and a very snarky tongue!

My love for this cannot be rendered in any medium whatsoever. This story has done more to reconcile me to the Star Wars brand than a written personal apology from Lucas could. Hell, it's done more to reconcile me than someone punching Lucas in the nose could. If you are - as I once was, and not too long ago - in the tragic situation of somehow having failed to read this, remedy that at once. Your life will be sunshine and puppies thereafter.

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even the words "Star Wars," can, in certain cases, make me weep giant tears of true pain. I'm so Star Wars phobic that I didn't even see Episode Three: Let's Cut Some Limbs Off

You just described my exact experience with 'Star Wars'. Attack of the Clones has scarred me for life.

I feel a need to read the Heyer version though.

Oh, god. That scene where Anakin and Padme are talking about sand? I DIED. It killed me. The TFV you see before you today is just a ghost, really, and that scene is why.

I feel a need to read the Heyer version though.

You really, really do. It will heal a lot of the trauma, I promise. (Although you may end up muttering, "Why couldn't you do THIS, Lucas?")

That scene where Anakin and Padme are talking about sand?

I think I have jsut about managed to block that one out - but I can still see that horrible section from the middle with the (why? whywhywhy?) picnic and Padme twirling over the hilltop like she's just about to start singing about hills being alive. And the *winces* romantic dialogue.

Ew. I feel dirty now.

Lucas couldn't do that because at this point he couldn't recognise a good script/story if it hit him with lightsaver. A PURPLE one.

I heard that the Frank Darabont script for Indiana Jones 4 was really good - guess who didn't want to do it? Good ole George.

I've had Hard Prayer waiting in my to-read favorites file, but haven't managed to because, well I was worried about the ending. So thanks! Now I can read it!

I won't lie: there are bits that are hard. But the ending is happy, and the whole story is just AMAZING.

I think there's a Merlin Harlequin challenge going on. Pretty much everything is WIP, but I've definitely found a few good ones in that.

Ah, found it.

harlequinmerlin. I'm really loving

syllic's rowing AU Easy There (http://syllic.livejournal.com/tag/easy+there) and The British Billionaire's Secret Son (http://community.livejournal.com/pr0nmonkey/4633.html) by

muzivitch.

There's also We're a Storm in Someone Else's Teacup (http://paperclipbitch.livejournal.com/112270.html#cutid1) by

paperclipbitch, which isn't a Harlequin, but is a wonderful AU.

I'm not sure if you've run across those before, but they're totally worth a read and I highly recommend them.

Not to mention

rageprufrock's Merlin AU WIP, "Drastically Redefining Protocol". I can't decide whether that's Harlequin or Princess Diaries, honestly. I like it, either way.

http://rageprufrock.livejournal.com/319321.html

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puckling.livejournal.com - 2009-02-04 21:20 (UTC) - Expand

Oh, awesome! Thank you. I had no idea Merlin had already gotten a Harlequin challenge going; this is obviously a very forward-thinking fandom. *beams*

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janne-d.livejournal.com - 2009-02-06 17:08 (UTC) - Expand

I'm beaming just to see

flambeau's Heyer Menace story on your recs list. :D

Also, let me say how much I love your reccing older stories; it's not that I'm immune to the lure of the Shiny New Thing That You Must Read, but having someone reliably point out the Shiny Older Thing That You Missed Somehow is even more wonderful.

Hi, you! It's good to see you!

And I'm so glad that the older recs are useful to people, because I didn't expect them to be. (I have to rec this way; it can take me a long time to figure out what I want to say about a story, so I mostly can't leap on the brand-new-shiny bandwagon. I read then! But I rec later, when I've thought.) But fandom moves so fast I think I get people who weren't reading that fandom - or weren't IN fandom - when this story was a new shiny.

Thank you for this rec set.

However!

We -- the rest of us scarred by what Lucas did to the Star Wars universe -- need to know about your version of Episodes 1 through 3!

We really really do.

You're welcome! And, well, I sort of started describing it here (http://thefourthvine.livejournal.com/98451.html?thread=5342611#t5342611), but the thing is - we really did go into detail. And then I spent a few more years honing some of the scenes in my mind. If I were to try to describe it, I'd end up writing, basically, an entirely AU version of the first three episodes, down to AU characters, because none of our versions were anything like the ones we ended up with. I don't think there's an audience for "epic AU with OCs, some of whom are wearing the same name as canon characters." I mean, no Qui-Gon! (In our version, Obi-Wan's master dies during the opening credits.) Nor do I really have time to write it down.

But I tell you this for free: at least there's no damn midichlorians in our AU. I'm proud of that.

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giglet.livejournal.com - 2009-02-06 04:09 (UTC) - Expand

*goes to her del.icio.us account and makes sure Duende is also properly tagged soulbond*

That Sentinel AU is one of those plot summaries that's so perfect I'm haunted with the phantom memory that I actually *did* read it at some point, except I'm fairly sure I didn't, it's just such a perfect platonic ideal of a story that I can sense its fundamental existence somewhere out in the ether.

Oddly, though, I also think I have read the story (though I'm fairly sure I haven't, quite) where Professor Duncan MacLeod takes a group of students on a field trip and they get stranded in Oregon's Cascade Mountains. Fortunately, they just happen to be near Thunder Mountain Lodge, owned by Adam Pierson, a handsome, enigmatic Immortal haunted by secrets and tormented by scars that will never heal. ... that one wouldn't even have to be AU. Well, I mean, except for the OTT-ness.

I've got to see what you've got tagged as a soulbond in your del.icio.us. Do you use the same name there?

That Sentinel AU is one of those plot summaries that's so perfect I'm haunted with the phantom memory that I actually *did* read it at some point, except I'm fairly sure I didn't, it's just such a perfect platonic ideal of a story that I can sense its fundamental existence somewhere out in the ether.

I know! It's just SO RIGHT. I need to read it. Neeeeeed.

And now I want to read the Highlander version, too. Damn it. *shakes fist at you*

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melannen.livejournal.com - 2009-02-06 03:37 (UTC) - Expand

Thank you for these. Since the first two fics you recced are among my faves of all time, I'll totally be trying the others as well.

Hee, as you were describing the Harlequin, I was totally assuming you were talking about John Sheppard -- same first name, war veteran haunted by scars that may never heal... But then you got to Fiona the teacher and her teenage charges, and I sort of had to choke on my tea imagining Rodney as the captivating high school teacher stranded in the Cascades. Ahahaha, Rodney would last about SEVEN MINUTES as a high school teacher. Though, hmmm, it would be pretty awesome to see him deal with teens while stranded at the...*cue enigmatic music*...Thunder Mountain Lodge, omg.*g*

Also, apropos of nothing, why oh why is there not more Jack/Stephen fic. *Sigh of longing*

See, if I was doing that as an AU of SGA, I'd make Rodney the war veteran haunted by scars that will never heal. No, wait! Stay with me!

Rodney joined the SGC at the canonical time, but he got put on a gate team. Something terrible happened, and he quit, and now he does some contracting from his remote mountain fastness. Weir's trying to put together the Atlantis expedition, and she's trying to persuade Rodney to come, but he has SCARS. That he is HAUNTED BY. He says no to Pegasus!

John, in this AU, is some kind of teacher - I'm thinking math teacher at a boarding high school. He couldn't join the Air Force. I don't think I need to say why. And he gets stranded! With his charges! NEAR THUNDER MOUNTAIN LODGE! They interrupt Rodney's lonely brooding! And so on.

Damn it, now I want to read THAT story, too. This is going to be the AU of all fandoms for me, I can see this.

(And, yes, more Jack/Stephen. I long for this as well. They are so married! They are so right for each other! Why does all of fandom not see this? *yearns*)

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cathalin.livejournal.com - 2009-02-08 03:58 (UTC) - Expand

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thefourthvine.livejournal.com - 2009-02-09 06:56 (UTC) - Expand

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thefourthvine.livejournal.com - 2009-02-09 06:59 (UTC) - Expand

You might enjoy reading The Fire's Stone, by Tanya Huff. It involves a soul bond, and may be filed under YA or SF, but no vampires, I promise. The soul bond is not presented as desirable or intrinsically romantic, and the story has two main male characters (one bi, one gay) and one main female character (straight and celibate), and they're all intelligent and act to move the story forward.

Ooo, thank you! That does sound interesting. *adds to wishlist*

Aw, you are so nice, and I will bookmark this rec and go wallow in it whenever the universe seems less friendly than I want it to be. Thank you. :)

I've read some of Heyer's mysteries, but I will confess that the masterful hero works better for me when he's further back in the past. I kept hoping Shirley's dog would bite Frank.

The universe should always be friendly to you, on account of you are awesome. *waves some extra friendliness at you, just because*

I've read some of Heyer's mysteries, but I will confess that the masterful hero works better for me when he's further back in the past.

Did you by any chance try Behold, Here's Poison? It features what I consider to be the epitome of Heyer's mystery hero type: sarcastic, limp-wristed (no, really, she says that), obsessed with interior design and fashion, and with a peculiar drawling, lisping style of speech. To her, this spelled hot hunk of heterosexual manhood. I am sure you will agree.

On the other hand, there's the mystery novel where she asserts that male homosexuality is caused by childhood asthma. So, you know, she has her good moments and her really awful ones.

So, I have just read Machinery on your suggestion and HOLY CRAP, YESTERDAY I DID NOT EVEN KNOW* MY LIFE WAS NOT COMPLETE.

*Okay, that is me lying to you. But I obviously did not know the *extent* to which my life was not complete.

Have you seen the the harlequin SGA journal (http://community.livejournal.com/harlequin_sga/)?

"Walked Right Out of the Machinery" deserves the widest possible exposure. It's just exactly perfect. Great rec, thank you.

(And if you're counting, Rydra's story diverges from canon at Season 6, "The Abyss".)

Apologies for the off topic comment - I just wanted to let you know that someone has left you a valentines message over here (http://villainny.livejournal.com/1213918.html).

Happy Valentines day!

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