Slashy Nominations 56: Self-Love Is Not So Vile a Sin as Self-Neglecting

[thefourthvine]

I think we could all stand to remember the wisdom in the title more often. That said, it's obviously time to take another pass at masturbation stories. Or, no, wait, another whack. No. Another go?

I give up. This is hereby declared a double entendre-free zone for the duration of this nominations set. You will all just have to kick your own minds out of the gutters. To the extent possible with these stories on offer.

Best FF That Identifies Spike's Masturbation Fantasy Number 9, Leaving Me Wondering If There's Some Connection to the Love Potion of the Same Number. And Also, Of Course, What the Other Eight Are. Night Watch, by debchan + spike21 + thete1 = Webrain, and I hope I haven't left anyone out. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Spike/Xander. (No, it is not my OTP in this fandom, I swear to god. I just...rec a lot of it, OK?) I admit this story is most of the reason why I'm revisiting the masturbation theme right now. I nominated another story called "Night Watch" in the last set, and it just seemed like a good idea to clear the decks of Night Watches, at least for the moment. Spike jerks off, Xander watches, and the inevitable happens. Pay special attention to the excellent disclaimer: "If they belonged to us, there would come a day when taffeta played a role in their lives." I can't say the same; I don't care for taffeta. But I'm willing to concede that I'm with the Webrain in principle. (NOTE: A Certain Person should not read this, because it contains a mention of blood that is brief but will nonetheless likely ick said Person right out.)

Best FF That Shows That, in Addition to Being Basically Twisted, Batman Has a Deeply Twisted Sense of Justice. And Humor. Wally West vs. the Chicken Salad of Doom, by David Hines, aka hradzka. Justice League, I think, and it's not a pairing situation, more of an, um, one-man show kind of thing, involving Flash. So. This is a sex pollen story, and I think we can all agree there is no excuse for sex pollen stories. Except that they tend to be strangely good. And they make me laugh, in some cases so hard that they should have a special warning. (Along the lines of "Caution: do not read this story while precariously balanced or around improperly stored liquids. Wear protective clothing and check all nearby surfaces for corners and sharp edges before beginning. Not for people who have heart disease, high blood pressure, or a need to look dignified.") This is one such story. At least, it appealed to my sense of humor.

Why I am sorry I admitted that in a public forum? Or even to myself?

Best FF That Makes Me Hungry - and Not for Sex, Sadly, but Rather for a Foodstuff I Have Not Had Since I Was in the UK, and Which I Am Ashamed to Admit I Love, Because It Is So British. A Trifle, by kassrachel. Harry Potter, Harry Potter/Ron Weasley, in a manner of speaking. Here, we have food leading to masturbation, which is not at all surprising, given that the characters are teenage boys. It's only surprising that they're so discriminating about their culinary triggers; in my experience, Funyuns (as one example) would work just as well with boys of this age, and they don't count as food, never mind erotic food. Once again, we have a strikingly simple proposition: boys. Food. Wanking. Does it work? You be the judge. And somebody for god's sake send me some trifle.

Best FF in Which Female Strippers Induce Homosexuality in Formerly Straight Men, and It All Makes a Mutant Kind of Sense. Shadow Boxing, by Sihaya Black (this is only her TS stuff; if anyone has a more complete site or a LJ link for her, I'd love to hear about it). The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. (I swear, that's not a pairing, it's more like a brand of slash or something. Jimblair, adjective: describing fiction that takes snippy "straight" guys who are clearly already together in the canon and nudges them over the NC-17 line.) This is a switching teams story that begins with a jimblair argument and ends with a jimblair marriage proposal. (Now that I think about it, that may actually also be a decent summary of the first season of The Sentinel.) In the interim, there's plenty of masturbation, as well as anthropological jargon and beer. Ah, TS, how we love thee!

Comments

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I have dabbled in this activity in the past but I didn't realize it was a way of life.

It is indeed a way of life; we hardy few, we band of buggery fans - we have our own rituals, art forms, life ways, and holidays. (Join us as we celebrate Sexmass with threesome fic and gifts of smut! Or come to dinner on Hallowed Texts Eve, where we read from the slashiest literature yet known to our people in between huge helpings of the sweetest FF we can find. And you won't want to miss Fic Dependence Day - I can't tell you what we do, but I can tell you that a three day weekend is always necessary, just to recover.) We should have our own LJ community, really, except we're all too busy trying to figure out all the Star Trek fandoms from secondary sources to form one. (And, realistically, we should probably also have our own worldwide network of support groups and dedicated 12-step programs. Because, hey, if you do this right, you can move straight from PWP to LWL (Life? What Life?). But, as we say on New Fandom's Day: "Remember real life, for just as it is necessary to read in order to live, so is it necessary to live in order to read.")

I am a complete sucker for best friends-first time fics, and I definitely don't get enough in my 2 primary fandoms.

I'm not sure it's even possible to get enough of those. So let me, um, enable a bit here. You've clearly already realized that cop TV shows are a fruitful (hee!) source of said fics; once you've drunk your fill of TS - or, and this is the route I would recommend, once you're ready for a break, because you can get too much of spirit guides sometimes - you must try both due South and The Professionals, if you haven't already.

And if you haven't plumbed the depths (snerk!) of Master & Commander, well, let's just say there are real advantages to a canon where even the author, strait-laced and old-school though he was, seemed profoundly aware of the incredible slashiness of the "friendship" between his two main characters. This is one canon I encourage every slash reader to experience, because it's impossible to read the books without being whacked on the head by subtext so powerful that it regularly fights its way to the surface and overwhelms the actual text. You can almost hear the plot crying out in terror as the Aubrey/Maturin true love swarms to the surface, waves its tentacles, and sucks in new fans. It's amazing.

Um. So, probably a bad idea to answer comments after two days of no sleep, because I'm making Blair look taciturn and coherent here. But, just in summary: now that you know multi-fandom canon-free reading is indeed a way of life, there should be no stopping you. Ready! Set! Read!