thefourthvine | Slashy Nominations 56: Self-Love Is Not So Vile a Sin as Self-Neglecting

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Slashy Nominations 56: Self-Love Is Not So Vile a Sin as Self-Neglecting

I think we could all stand to remember the wisdom in the title more often. That said, it's obviously time to take another pass at masturbation stories. Or, no, wait, another whack. No. Another go?

I give up. This is hereby declared a double entendre-free zone for the duration of this nominations set. You will all just have to kick your own minds out of the gutters. To the extent possible with these stories on offer.

Best FF That Identifies Spike's Masturbation Fantasy Number 9, Leaving Me Wondering If There's Some Connection to the Love Potion of the Same Number. And Also, Of Course, What the Other Eight Are. Night Watch, by

debchan +

spike21 +

thete1 = Webrain, and I hope I haven't left anyone out. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Spike/Xander. (No, it is not my OTP in this fandom, I swear to god. I just...rec a lot of it, OK?) I admit this story is most of the reason why I'm revisiting the masturbation theme right now. I nominated another story called "Night Watch" in the last set, and it just seemed like a good idea to clear the decks of Night Watches, at least for the moment. Spike jerks off, Xander watches, and the inevitable happens. Pay special attention to the excellent disclaimer: "If they belonged to us, there would come a day when taffeta played a role in their lives." I can't say the same; I don't care for taffeta. But I'm willing to concede that I'm with the Webrain in principle. (NOTE: A Certain Person should not read this, because it contains a mention of blood that is brief but will nonetheless likely ick said Person right out.)

Best FF That Shows That, in Addition to Being Basically Twisted, Batman Has a Deeply Twisted Sense of Justice. And Humor. Wally West vs. the Chicken Salad of Doom, by David Hines, aka

hradzka. Justice League, I think, and it's not a pairing situation, more of an, um, one-man show kind of thing, involving Flash. So. This is a sex pollen story, and I think we can all agree there is no excuse for sex pollen stories. Except that they tend to be strangely good. And they make me laugh, in some cases so hard that they should have a special warning. (Along the lines of "Caution: do not read this story while precariously balanced or around improperly stored liquids. Wear protective clothing and check all nearby surfaces for corners and sharp edges before beginning. Not for people who have heart disease, high blood pressure, or a need to look dignified.") This is one such story. At least, it appealed to my sense of humor.

Why I am sorry I admitted that in a public forum? Or even to myself?

Best FF That Makes Me Hungry - and Not for Sex, Sadly, but Rather for a Foodstuff I Have Not Had Since I Was in the UK, and Which I Am Ashamed to Admit I Love, Because It Is So British. A Trifle, by

kassrachel. Harry Potter, Harry Potter/Ron Weasley, in a manner of speaking. Here, we have food leading to masturbation, which is not at all surprising, given that the characters are teenage boys. It's only surprising that they're so discriminating about their culinary triggers; in my experience, Funyuns (as one example) would work just as well with boys of this age, and they don't count as food, never mind erotic food. Once again, we have a strikingly simple proposition: boys. Food. Wanking. Does it work? You be the judge. And somebody for god's sake send me some trifle.

Best FF in Which Female Strippers Induce Homosexuality in Formerly Straight Men, and It All Makes a Mutant Kind of Sense. Shadow Boxing, by Sihaya Black (this is only her TS stuff; if anyone has a more complete site or a LJ link for her, I'd love to hear about it). The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. (I swear, that's not a pairing, it's more like a brand of slash or something. Jimblair, adjective: describing fiction that takes snippy "straight" guys who are clearly already together in the canon and nudges them over the NC-17 line.) This is a switching teams story that begins with a jimblair argument and ends with a jimblair marriage proposal. (Now that I think about it, that may actually also be a decent summary of the first season of The Sentinel.) In the interim, there's plenty of masturbation, as well as anthropological jargon and beer. Ah, TS, how we love thee!

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(I swear, that's not a pairing, it's more like a brand of slash or something.

You are most definitely correct.

Good to hear, because I have become seriously enamored of the word. I hope to be using "jimblair" a lot in the future, ideally in as many parts of speech as possible. "And then he gave you a shoulder rub? Sounds like you are working up to some serious jimblair." "Yeah, he said it was a really jimblair kiss." "That book is so jimblairy; I swear I thought they were headed for a commitment ceremony at one point."

And I realize this is entirely unrelated, but I have to ask: are you really a coconut cat?

are you really a coconut cat?

No. I am a grumpy person who couldn't have vera@yahoo.com and put down the stupidest thing I could think of. LJ wouldn't let me have Vera either. The person who has that is called Gidget and she never updates.

I hate her.

I'm reconciled to copracat now, but I am not in any way coconut or a cat.

I know. The person who has the name I wanted for this LJ has never updated. Not once. And she doesn't even have an flist, so there is no reason for her to have a LJ.

And I won't even tell you what my yahoo mail name is, except to note that it is sadly pathetic, and for the same reasons as yours. And the person who has the name I wanted there is, well, me. (See, way back when My Yahoo was in beta I used the name I wanted to register for it. When I went back later, I'd forgotten the password and lost the email account that I used to register that name, so I couldn't reclaim it. Truly, I contain the seeds of my own destruction. Does this mean I am evil? Probably.)

I will think of you, in that case, as "the non-coconut non-cat curiously called copracat." Alliteration is my friend!

Aargh. Now I want to say "alliteration is also mon ami" but that would be wrong. So I won't.

sihayab is where she's at on LJ. Her due South stories are archived at DSA (http://www.squidge.org/dsa/).

Ooo, many thanks. I'm, like, the queen of LJ lostness; I didn't start looking for author LJs until very late in the game (as in, well after I started this one, even - I'm slow, is what I am), and as a result I'm always realizing *just* as I go to link to a story that I have no clue where this particular writer lives.

Huh. She's writing HP now as well. Is anyone not? Trying to keep an HP db must require monk-like focus and dedication.

Dude, all my dS friends are writing HP now -- the ones that aren't writing MUNCLE or popslash, at least. It's scary.

God, I know. It's like the HP hive mind or something out there. Every time I look, more writers are absorbed.

Which, you know, whatever they want to write, if it's good, I'll gladly read it, and a lot of it is really good. It's just that HP can be so. Freaking. Disturbing. When I start an HP fic, I have to be totally ready for every single character (in a kid's book series! that I started reading before I ever even thought about fan fiction!) to be dead or worse by the end. I'm not always prepared for that, you know? So I cherish those people who are still anachronistically and iconoclastically writing happy endings to stories in other fandoms.

Oh, the Justice League one was very funny. And I enjoyed Night Watch far more than I thought I was, although it turned out somewhat darker that I was expecting from the beginning.

I do like masturbation stories. Mmmmm.

OK, very good to hear that I'm not the only one who laughed at "Wally West." Because I had this moment of thinking, dear god, what if this is just proof that my sense of humor is even more irreparably broken than Batman's? I will have inadvertently outed myself in my LJ! And then I realized that with all the other things I admit to here, most people probably wouldn't even blink at that one, and I clicked "update journal" anyway.

I totally agree - masturbation just adds a certain something to a story. I am a charter member of the More Wanking Society. Or, you know, I would be, if there was such a thing.

Your great recs have got me to read (and enjoy!) Sentinel fics, even though I have only seen about 5 minutes of the show. Thanks!

I am entirely convinced that the best way to read TS FF is with as little knowledge of the canon as possible. (Let us all now take a moment to be grateful for TS FF *authors*, who do actually have to see the show. Brave souls! May their rewards be many.) The only TS I've seen is the blooper reel. That, now, that is worth a look.

And I am so happy to hear that I have lured you to a new fandom. My secret (well, it would be secret, if I didn't keep telling people) motive when I started this LJ was to convert people to the way of life we know as multi-fandom canon-free reading, and it is just so deeply affirming of my chosen (evil) path to hear that I have succeeded. Please do continue your journey to the dark side of FF. May I tempt you to a lovely helping of due South? Or perhaps Master & Commander? Or, hey, the DCU is always nice in the summer.

I have heard of this blooper reel. How might one find it?

Check your email, slem, for I have written you Under Separate Cover, as they say in the, um, document business. (That sentence sure didn't go well, but onward and upward.)

the way of life we know as multi-fandom canon-free reading

Ahahaha! I have dabbled in this activity in the past but I didn't realize it was a way of life. A few years ago I read every Dan/Casey Sports Night fic I could find despite never having seen even an ad for the show. This weekend I finally watched some episodes, and it was a strange experience. Casey didn't look even close to the way I had imagined, and I kept expecting Dan and Casey to start making out.

I am a complete sucker for best friends-first time fics, and I definitely don't get enough in my 2 primary fandoms. After I have finished this little TS phase, maybe I'll go back through your recs and try another fandom.

I have dabbled in this activity in the past but I didn't realize it was a way of life.

It is indeed a way of life; we hardy few, we band of buggery fans - we have our own rituals, art forms, life ways, and holidays. (Join us as we celebrate Sexmass with threesome fic and gifts of smut! Or come to dinner on Hallowed Texts Eve, where we read from the slashiest literature yet known to our people in between huge helpings of the sweetest FF we can find. And you won't want to miss Fic Dependence Day - I can't tell you what we do, but I can tell you that a three day weekend is always necessary, just to recover.) We should have our own LJ community, really, except we're all too busy trying to figure out all the Star Trek fandoms from secondary sources to form one. (And, realistically, we should probably also have our own worldwide network of support groups and dedicated 12-step programs. Because, hey, if you do this right, you can move straight from PWP to LWL (Life? What Life?). But, as we say on New Fandom's Day: "Remember real life, for just as it is necessary to read in order to live, so is it necessary to live in order to read.")

I am a complete sucker for best friends-first time fics, and I definitely don't get enough in my 2 primary fandoms.

I'm not sure it's even possible to get enough of those. So let me, um, enable a bit here. You've clearly already realized that cop TV shows are a fruitful (hee!) source of said fics; once you've drunk your fill of TS - or, and this is the route I would recommend, once you're ready for a break, because you can get too much of spirit guides sometimes - you must try both due South and The Professionals, if you haven't already.

And if you haven't plumbed the depths (snerk!) of Master & Commander, well, let's just say there are real advantages to a canon where even the author, strait-laced and old-school though he was, seemed profoundly aware of the incredible slashiness of the "friendship" between his two main characters. This is one canon I encourage every slash reader to experience, because it's impossible to read the books without being whacked on the head by subtext so powerful that it regularly fights its way to the surface and overwhelms the actual text. You can almost hear the plot crying out in terror as the Aubrey/Maturin true love swarms to the surface, waves its tentacles, and sucks in new fans. It's amazing.

Um. So, probably a bad idea to answer comments after two days of no sleep, because I'm making Blair look taciturn and coherent here. But, just in summary: now that you know multi-fandom canon-free reading is indeed a way of life, there should be no stopping you. Ready! Set! Read!

I am entirely convinced that the best way to read TS FF is with as little knowledge of the canon as possible.

I started reading in TS before having seen the show, but recently got copies of all the eps and am having MORE FUN THAN I COULD EVER HAVE IMAGINED watching them. The "canon" J/B interaction is marvellous.

I haven't commented for ages, but I always love reading your recs!

Seriously? We have uncovered a dissenting viewpoint! YAY! So, got a nomination for favorite episode (from a slasher's point of view, of course)?

(And many thanks for the ego-boost. I am a praise sponge; it's so pathetic.)

I'm only partway through Season 3, but you could try "Flight" from S2 and "Warriors" from S3. Nearly every ep has a good slashy moment or two, though. Or three or four. Or more.

My view on canon is sure, you can read the slash without it, but why would you want to? Especially when Blair is so much fun to watch!! Some (OK, most) of the plots leave something to be desired, but the J/B interaction is something I wouldn't want to miss. An essential part of the full slash experience!

Ye Gods.

"Night Watch" should have won the award for Best FF Featuring the Line: "I am Xander's prostate. I am a happy thing."

Excuse me while I now go bleach my brain.

I mean, beautifully in-character, utterly Whedonesque, and so very SPORK SPORK SPORK ARGH.

The first half was tres hot though. Seat-squirmingly so. So I will forgive you for the sporkitude-inducing recs ;)

Ooo, interesting. What was the sporky aspect for you? For me, the first part was just a teeny bit, um, embarrassing, but overall, not so sporky for me. So I'm curious (though of course you don't have to say).

And you're so right about what "Night Watch" should've been nominated for. And it would of course win the award, because no one could work that line into another story.

And I thought I had just enough time to read one of your recs because nothing prepares one for worship like hot wank fic. I read the Webrain Spike/Xander and it's very good. Anyway, I get to church and the Psalm was 63,

"my mouth praises you with joyful lips,
When I remember you upon my bed,
and mediate on you in the night watches."

I swear to God. You planned this, didn't you? Now, I'm going to hell for smirking inappropriately at church.

I only wish I had planned it. That's excellent.

(By "that's excellent," I mean, of course, that I am filled with sympathy for your plight and deeply apologetic about having inadvertently caused you to have inappropriate thoughts in a situation requiring profoundest gravity.)

Now I'm wondering what

darthrami is going to do with Psalm 63 in

musesfool's Psalm Challenge. Because, wow, that is one incredible Psalm.

O God, thou art my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is;
To see thy power and thy glory, so as I have seen thee in the sanctuary.

This is an X-Men fic, M/X, set in the time immediately after the dissolution of the relationship. Xavier goes to Jerusalem alone, a trip he's made with Erik before; they used to go for Erik's peace of mind, and now he's making one last trip for his own, to put his love to rest.

He revisits some scenes of their relationship in his mind and others in body, seeing how the seeds of love's destruction were planted the first time they met and how each one flourished and grew. He notes how much more difficult things are without Erik - he can't even go to some of the places they went before, because Jerusalem is not exactly wheelchair-friendly and he no longer has Magneto to help him get around. It's all very symbolic, and it ends as he lies alone in a hotel in the desert Jerusalem has become for him and he remembers a significant sex scene from their last visit.

Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee.
Thus will I bless thee while I live: I will lift up my hands in thy name.

Iliad, Achilles/Patroclus, from Patroclus's point of view. Everyone loves A but only P is ever let in, only he ever gets close to A, gets inside his walls and past his armor.

He remembers when he was little and he overheard some of their cousins jealously making fun of A; P, knowing they'd kick his ass, nonetheless stood up for A, and of course A came to save him from his beating.

He remembers when they were teenagers, praising A with his lips in a very different way; remembers being taught the things men never allow themselves to do with other men, and how he never cared, because A wasn't a man - he was Achilles. And how A reciprocated.

He remembers that he let everyone think that A never did reciprocate, because he didn't want people to think less of A. He wanted everyone to love A the way he deserved, and he knew they'd see as weakness what was really strength.

And then he gets inside A's armor one last time and goes out to save his reputation one last time, knowing that he'll die, and choosing to, because loving A is better than living.

My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips:
When I remember thee upon my bed, and meditate on thee in the night watches.

As you point out, this one's already been written. Go, Webrain!

Because thou hast been my help, therefore in the shadow of thy wings will I rejoice.

Good Omens, Crowley/Aziraphale from Aziraphale's PoV, and do I even need to spell it out?

My soul followeth hard after thee: thy right hand upholdeth me.
But those that seek my soul, to destroy it, shall go into the lower parts of the earth.
They shall fall by the sword: they shall be a portion for foxes.

Angel or Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and it could be anything from Angel/Buffy to Angel/Wesley. Again, this one writes itself; I don't think I need to go into the staking, the sword fight, and the sex.

But the king shall rejoice in God; every one that sweareth by him shall glory: but the mouth of them that speak lies shall be stopped.

LotR. Aragorn is the king, no doubt, but I can see this one set at so many points in the story. A/Boromir works. So does A/Eomer; in that case, the liar would be Wormtongue, of course. I can see A/Legolas in this one too, I'm sorry to report - set at the coronation, naturally.

Someone save me from the 63rd Psalm. It is the Psalm of plot bunnies about characters whose names begin with A, and it is a wonder and a terror to behold.

Ooh, good plot bunnies. "praising A with his lips in a very different way" -hee. (You're really ruining church for me.)

Also, since the Psalms are traditionally attributed to David, I think any of that Psalm would lend itself to some hot David/Jonathon Bible slash.

I really need to go read the fic coming out of the Psalms challenge because it seems like such a cool concept and I really liked the Penknife "Trust" story you recced.

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Slashy Nominations 56: Self-Love Is Not So Vile a Sin as Self-Neglecting

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TS Canon

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So, I was rushing off to church this morning...

Re: So, I was rushing off to church this morning...

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