thefourthvine | No Heterosexual Explanation Moments

Recently, I was talking to

frostfire_17, and the topic of the No Heterosexual Explanation Moment came up. (It will not surprise you to hear that we were talking about the Fast and Furious franchise at the time. There are few other franchises so thoroughly inundated with such moments, I think.) It is the moment when you try, you genuinely, seriously try to take off your slash goggles and figure out what the writers, producers, directors, and actors thought was happening in a scene, and you can only conclude that, no, they must have thought the same-sex pairing was doing it, too. (It can also be the moment that a non-slasher wanders in, studies the screen for a long moment with narrowed eyes, and then says, "They are so fucking each other.")

As far as I can tell, there are two major categories of No Heterosexual Explanation Moments. The first is where the plot only makes sense if the pairing is, in fact, a pairing; I tend to put the first season of Smallville (what I know of it) into this category. Lex's behavior is just, you know, really really hard to explain unless he is very hot for Clark indeed. And the second kind is where it's just not something people with a strictly platonic, UST-free relationship ever do. Like, for example, when one cop signs "I love you" to the other cop as he's being med-evac'd out on a helicopter. I am pretty sure they don't teach that in police academy courses on Effective Partnerships in the Law Enforcement Profession, is all I'm saying.

But Frost and I realized that, tragically, we just do not have the depth and breadth of experience to make a complete catalogue of No Heterosexual Explanation Moments. This is where I am hoping you all come in. What are the key NHEMs of our time? Of past times? Of all time? Educate me! Bonus points for links to clips, if they come from a visual medium.

F/F as welcome as M/M, of course. And, hey, if you've got any NHEMs for threesomes, lay 'em on me. The only key is that even a person struggling not to see the pairing will still say, "...You know, I just really think they're doing it." (Obviously, if it is an actual canon pairing, it cannot feature in an NHEM, because in that case there shouldn't BE a heterosexual explanation.)

ETA: Spoilers in comments, of course! And the more the merrier, in my opinion.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Oh, and ALSO every. single. Cesare/Michelotto scene. In The Borgias. EVER.

Seriously, there is no interpretation in which Michelotto is not a. kinky, b. gay, and c. really, really, really into Cesare. (Who, sadly for Michelotto, is really, really, really into his sister. Ah well.)

I mean, if there were justice in this world, I would be able to find the whipping scene on youtube, but trust me on this one.

OMG you've seen it? *clings*

(I was playing SCA when this came out; my Laurel decided we needed to build Lucrezia's dresses.)

I have seen it and I ADORE IT HOLY CRAP. (And, okay, I kind of have a hard time dealing with Michelotto, because the actor played someone incredibly creepy in Ashes to Ashes and he looks different in this one but the voice, but I think the swordfighting may have cured me of that.)

(And the CLOTHES OH MY GOD YES.)

...Whipping scene? Um. Really?

Really. For totally plot-related reasons. TOTALLY.

OMG, so much. Michelotto is really in love with him at first sight. And if he can't get Cesare to fuck him, whipping him and having homoerotic fights with him is the next best thing.

Really, really YEAH. (Like, seriously, the homoerotic fighting -- I am familiar with Sean Harris, okay? He creeped the FUCK out of me in Ashes to Ashes. I may be over that reaction just a bit.)

I mean -- the amount of kink in this canon boggles the mind. Never mind how, hi, Cesare's new little girlfriend there could not be a more obvious Lucrezia-substitute if she were wearing a sign around her neck...

Inorite? She blond, kind of innocent (...seeming), and in a terrible marriage, and he fixates on her AT Lucrezia's wedding. Yeah. Just a little bit.

Yes! Like. Literally. The minute Lucrezia's moving out of his life. And, man, that relationship is going up in flames any minute now, because he wants her to be his sister and she wants him to be a man of peace and, uh, not so much, on either hand. And thing.

(and speaking of said wedding let's not even talk about "she's past her bedtime" and he CARRIES HER OVER THE THRESHOLD and I die a little)

(and speaking of said wedding let's not even talk about "she's past her bedtime" and he CARRIES HER OVER THE THRESHOLD and I die a little)

We can speak of it. Because wow. I do ship them a bit, because they seem like the least fucked up relationship in each other's lives.

They really ARE. Like -- seriously -- she is the person in his life who makes him FEEL THINGS that are not homicidal rage! (Although a little homicidal rage on her behalf, properly directed, would not go amiss right now.) And he is her... he just loves her to bits without demanding anything of her ~~even though it is like blitheringly obvious that he wants her SO MUCH holy GOD that bit in the pilot~~.

And, um, basically... yeah. Borgias! So fucked in the head!

Oh, and ALSO every. single. Cesare/Michelotto scene. In The Borgias. EVER.

Seriously, there is no interpretation in which Michelotto is not a. kinky, b. gay, and c. really, really, really into Cesare. (Who, sadly for Michelotto, is really, really, really into his sister. Ah well.)

*flappy hands* YES. A THOUSAND TIMES YES. I am glad I am not alone in this, because OMG both of these things are SUPER OBVIOUS. I'm like, is there even a need to try to call it subtext at this point? Really??

(*needs a Borgia icon for PICTORIAL EVIDENCE PURPOSES*)

It is not subtext. A bit. I mean, this show brings the kinky and the incest and the gay, basically all over the place, and I am basically just sitting here waiting for the parts where Cesare starts killing everyone who may at some point have looked at his sister in a carnal fashion, because as near as I can tell he actually historically went around doing that kind of thing, and in the meanwhile -- really, really, REALLY gay.

And there are icons here and here which basically, um, highlight the no-personal-space issue. Just a bit.

I am kinda sketchy on the histories IRL, just bits and pieces of how AWESOME Cesare is and how Pope Borgia was a bit of a badass. But, well, that historical factoid would explain quite a lot really. (I mean, the scene with the "carving his heart out with a butter knife"? The camera clearly just cut out before they kissed. I can only imagine what's going to happen when he finds out about Sforza...)

The whipping scene was what did me in, although their first meeting was pretty much Micheletto debating whether or not his hotness was enough to let him live.

Oh those icons are lovely! Thanks for the links! They really do have a problem with the concept, don't they? ♥ ♥

No Heterosexual Explanation Moments

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