No Heterosexual Explanation Moments

[thefourthvine]

Recently, I was talking to frostfire_17, and the topic of the No Heterosexual Explanation Moment came up. (It will not surprise you to hear that we were talking about the Fast and Furious franchise at the time. There are few other franchises so thoroughly inundated with such moments, I think.) It is the moment when you try, you genuinely, seriously try to take off your slash goggles and figure out what the writers, producers, directors, and actors thought was happening in a scene, and you can only conclude that, no, they must have thought the same-sex pairing was doing it, too. (It can also be the moment that a non-slasher wanders in, studies the screen for a long moment with narrowed eyes, and then says, "They are so fucking each other.")

As far as I can tell, there are two major categories of No Heterosexual Explanation Moments. The first is where the plot only makes sense if the pairing is, in fact, a pairing; I tend to put the first season of Smallville (what I know of it) into this category. Lex's behavior is just, you know, really really hard to explain unless he is very hot for Clark indeed. And the second kind is where it's just not something people with a strictly platonic, UST-free relationship ever do. Like, for example, when one cop signs "I love you" to the other cop as he's being med-evac'd out on a helicopter. I am pretty sure they don't teach that in police academy courses on Effective Partnerships in the Law Enforcement Profession, is all I'm saying.

But Frost and I realized that, tragically, we just do not have the depth and breadth of experience to make a complete catalogue of No Heterosexual Explanation Moments. This is where I am hoping you all come in. What are the key NHEMs of our time? Of past times? Of all time? Educate me! Bonus points for links to clips, if they come from a visual medium.

F/F as welcome as M/M, of course. And, hey, if you've got any NHEMs for threesomes, lay 'em on me. The only key is that even a person struggling not to see the pairing will still say, "...You know, I just really think they're doing it." (Obviously, if it is an actual canon pairing, it cannot feature in an NHEM, because in that case there shouldn't BE a heterosexual explanation.)

ETA: Spoilers in comments, of course! And the more the merrier, in my opinion.

Comments

[giandujakiss]

The episode Starsky vs. Hutch from the fourth season of Starsky & Hutch falls into the first category. Hutch basically makes a play to steal Starsky's girlfriend and the whole episode has them acting very bizarrely - unless you assume that Hutch is sexually jealous of Starsky. At which point the episode makes perfect sense.

[busaikko]

This doesn't exactly count, but this scene from SGA supported a thousand and one fics where John and Rodney had at one time been together, but now Rodney's with Keller, but they're both still hurting; or John's finally realizing that there sadly is a Heterosexual Reason for why Rodney's not going to love him back. Or something like that.

[aris_tgd]

Does the entire canon of Starsky and Hutch count? Because. Er. The first forty seconds of this clip from A Coffin for Starsky and the scene with the dip, for example.

[longmagpieroads]

Most of the 1960's Batman series with Adam West and Burt Ward has a ton of these. I'm slowly working on cataloguing them all. But from the first episode, there are more than one of these between Batman and Robin

[wildestranger]

The whole of the Eagle. See this(http://misspamela.livejournal.com/670897.html) for evidence.

[greenygal]

Bonus points for the epilogue in which Starsky announces that he's waiting for "a beautiful blonde" and Huggy assumes he means Hutch. And then they wind up leaving the lady behind and walking out together. In black leather jackets.

Me personally, I really wonder about this sequence...

[thatyourefuse]

There is no logical reading of Ashes to Ashes series 3 that does not include the assumption "Sam and Gene were fucking." At all.

Even if you discount this.

I mean. To quote tvtropes -- I think I may have actually edited this bit in there anyway, but I can't remember --

Gene: *rips Sam's obituary off his noticeboard and charges out of his office*
Gene: "When are we at our most vulnerable? Ray?"
Ray: "I'm never vulnerable."
Alex: "When we're in love."
Gene: "When we're just out of love, Bolly. When we're feeling scared. When we think we're going to spend the rest of our lives on our own."
Alex: "Who exactly are we talking about here?"

And then there's the jacket. And Gene's fucked-up defensiveness. And the paralleling of Sam and Alex, and Keats's Dire Hints about what may have (and totally didn't, but Alex very nearly buys in) happened to Sam, and --

(There is also no nonsexual reading of Gene/Alex or Alex/Keats, but that's a different story.)

[thatyourefuse]

... wow. Yes, that's kind of. Obvious.

[paxpinnae]

Seconded. If you don't accept the premise that Marcus fell in love with Esca when their eyes met across a crowded gladiatorial arena, the rest of the movie makes NO. SENSE. WHATSOEVER. The book is the same, but more so, since Marcus actually goes out and buys Esca for himself, and then when Esca's delivered, he admits that the only reason he didn't run away while in transit was he was hoping that Marcus was the one who had bought him.

[keerawa]

Oh, wow. I just picture the director saying, "OK, Joe that was good, but for this take, can you push that jealous former-lover vibe to the cheap seats when you turn and flounce away?"

[thingswithwings]

Aw! I love these moments! I do always try really hard to figure it out! Examples:

-oh god, there's this amazing moment on Star Trek: Voyager when Janeway asks Seven to help her with her uniform (put a pip on her collar) and then asks her if she's interested in dating anyone. Star Trek is full of such moments, actually, I think because - much like older buddy cop shows - they're so heterocentrist that it DOES NOT EVEN OCCUR to them that it frequently seems like Janeway is coming on to Seven.

-The second to last episode of Starsky and Hutch does not make any logical sense AT ALL unless the two guys are sleeping together, planning on sleeping together, or maaaaybe just really want to sleep together. It's . . . I don't know what to do! They go up to a lady they've both been dating and offer her a threesome, and she declines, and then they shrug, put their arms around each others' shoulders, and walk away.

-There's this episode of The Sentinel - I forget the name of it - where Jim decides to go on vacation in the woods and gives Blair and Simon STRICT INSTRUCTIONS not to follow him and to leave him alone for a weekend. They follow him, of course, and then when they get there proceed to cajole him and boss him around until he includes them (then there's a plague or something, I forget). But I don't know how to read that episode EXCEPT as a story about a guy who has two tops.

-I should be able to come up with EIGHTEEN MORE examples, because I find myself saying this all the time: "what do THEY think is happening here?!?!?" but I find myself drawing a blank. Perhaps I will peruse the other comments and come back later.

[kate_nepveu]

Hee, that is exactly Exhibit A for my belief that it is genuinely canon that John Sheppard had a horrible crush (at least) on Rodney McKay.

(Exhibit B is _Miller's Crossing_.)

[thingswithwings]

hahaha omg, without even looking at the comments I commented with the exact same episode and scene. WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON THERE! EXCEPT SEX!

[cuda]

Oh, good grief, Dean and Castiel from Supernatural, Season 5 on. I was unable to point out any specific clips on YouTube, either because I fail at searching the right keywords or there's just so. Many. Fanvids. But Castiel and Dean have a tendency towards long, soul-searching stares, and Dean spends more time confessing his fears, making helpless puppy faces and crying in front of Castiel than any other character.

I don't know, maybe that's just something you'd do in front of an angel of the Lord.

I hear ya on the Fast & Furious films. *brofist* *displays appropriate icon*

[cuda]

A-freakin-MEN. I'm so glad I wasn't the only one who saw this!

[toft]

Well, the entire last two series of Blakes 7 comes to mind. Avon has spent the last two series violently protesting that he doesn't like Blake, doesn't believe in his ideals and plans to sell the secret alien spaceship they've come to possess and run off to live quietly in wealthy retirement the second Blake comes to a bad end and lets go of his influence on the rest of the crew; cue final episode of S2 when Blake says, "I have always trusted you, Avon," AND AVON'S HEART BLEEDS THROUGH HIS EYES; Blake disappears, and does Avon do what he said he would? Does he hell. Without a single word of explanation he spends the next two series leading the crew in a single-minded search for Blake across the galaxy, ending in Avon's arguable madness and the slaughter of the entire crew when he walks into a trap THAT HE KNEW WAS A TRAP because it was baited by Blake.

B7 makes no sense unless Avon is in love with Blake and the entire thing is a story about their doomed romance! OMG their love.

[toft]

And don't forget the Starsky and Hutch hot dog episode. THE HOT DOG EPISODE. WHAT does Hutch mean by asking Starsky if he can have a bite of his hot dog and then waggling his eyebrows if he is not in fact asking him to have sex? It's one of life's eternal mysteries.

[thefourthvine]

Maaaaaan, I have no real desire to see Starsky and Hutch, but I REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS EPISODE now. Temptress!

[toft]

OMG also the ENTIRE series of the Sentinel. What about the one in S1 where Jim decides they need a holiday, and Blair takes this to mean that they are obviously going on holiday together and arranges a spiritual retreat in a monastery, and Jim's main distress at finding out that Blair has arranged this is that there is NO SATELLITE TV?

[thatyourefuse]

(Also also, Ray's insistent attempted cockblocking of Chris and Shaz's relationship is just very -- very -- well, it doesn't read as anything much but envy. Of Shaz. And the writers definitely know about that one. And then the ending the three of them get is -- is.

And the at least two times in 1.05 where Shaz is blatantly and openly hitting on Alex. Like, seriously, eying her hooker costume and saying "I'd pay" hitting on her.)

[toft]

Hahahaha, that second sequence is one of my favourite television moments of all time.

[thefourthvine]

HOLY SHIT. I mean, I thought the episode where Rodney turns into a jealous fishwife over Chaya was, you know, kind of lacking in a heterosexual explanation. But apparently I had not yet seen John's jealousy moves, because - wow. I just. There's no heterosexual explanation for that at ALL, is there?

[eveningblue]

I know you're talking about tv and movies, but right now I'm reading a lot of Sherlock Holmes stories and every time they take a vacation together I am like, wtf? Did men in the Victorian era do that a lot? I mean, roommates I get. Partners I get. But I am reading "The Adventure of the Devil's Foot" and they go on a non-case-related vacation together at the beginning of the story.

Also, as you probably know, Holmes almost never shows any interest in women.

[holli]

srevans and I agree that none of the Master's plans make any sense unless he is in love with the Doctor and desperately wants his attention. In "Mind of Evil," when Delgado ties Three to a chair and does some mind torture, he stops halfway through and runs in to pat his face and see if he's okay. Also, in the same serial, the Master's greatest fear is revealed to be the Doctor laughing at him.

[thefourthvine]

WOW. Um, also, WOW. I - I really don't know what to do with that, except to assume they were doing it. Are you sure that they weren't actually, canonically doing it? Maybe you just missed the episode with the kiss!