thefourthvine | Rant: Enough Is Enough; or, Signs I've Read Too Much Fan Fiction

In other words: I've lost it, and it's time for another bitter, mean-spirited, entirely unnecessary rant. If you're still in the dewy-eyed phase of FF love - in other words, if you see nothing wrong with "Harry eagerly mouthed Snape's huge, aching, weeping cock, laving it with his tongue and nibbling it until Snape screamed with his gushing release" - don't look behind the cut.

Let's start with the three that commenters reminded me of after the last rant*.

Ghost. Very evocative, no doubt, of a sort of gentle, shivery, not-quite touch. But you can have too much of ghosting in a sex scene; we've reached a point where in some cases it seems to be not so much, say, Kowalski/Fraser as Kowalski/Fraser/Unusually Frisky Legions of the Undead.
Card. Again, a term that describes a certain behavior clearly, and we could all use clearer descriptions when it comes to FF. But, really, this one only works if one of the partners has long hair. Even then there should probably be a two-card limit in any given story. And please, folks, let us have no more carding of chest hair. This is only appropriate if one of the partners is a sheep. And no one should take that as an invitation to write sheepslash.
Shell of an ear. Unless your character has seashells attached to his head (and if he does, I love you), this phrase has extremely dubious utility. For one thing, it makes me mutter, "Your ears are like petals, Grace! Veritable petals!" And that kind of thing is really difficult to explain. For another, it has been done somewhere beyond being done to death. And, finally, the kicker: it isn't even that descriptive. Seriously. Go to a mirror. Look at your ear. Does it not look far more like a dried apricot or a prune than a shell? It does. So you should not use "he licked his shell of an ear" until you have used "he licked his prune of an ear" at least twice.

And now for the all-new ones, i.e., clear indications that I should be getting out more than I do. Or maybe meditating or something.

Sensitized. I happily read past this the first 3,000 times I saw it. The next 3,000, which seemed to pass in a matter of days, had me wincing slightly. I have now reached the point where I am so sensitized to "sensitized" that every time I see it I snap, "What, sensitive isn't good enough for you? Maybe you should try being sensitish or sensitic! Maybe you're suffering from sensitism! Maybe you're just too damn sensitiful and sensity and sensitianesque!"
Needful. Is there some Guide to Writing Good Hot Sex somewhere that says that "needful" is a sexy word and "needy" and "necessary" are not? Because even if there is, know that there's a lifetime limit on this word. And if you've written more than four thousand words of FF, you're probably over the limit already. Time to see what "needy" or "necessary" can do for you.
Fisting. Do I need to explain why this is a problem word? I do? OK. See, yes, this is a very evocative term to describe clenching, for example, the sheets, usually from sheer sexual ecstasy (but sometimes because your cock is sensitized, or because you're feeling needful). But it also describes a sex act, and, see...OK. I should not have to tell you about that sex act. If you're writing NC-17 FF, you should already know about it. So let me just say: it's a good word. In moderation. But maybe you want to think twice about it in certain contexts, and that goes triple if you're using it in the phrase "fisting his cock," which makes me recoil in horror every time I read it.
Flashing. This should be used exclusively to describe the activity involving a trenchcoat and a lack of underpants. The only appropriate use of the phrase "flashing eyes" is when one is describing Scott Summers without his glasses on. Also, tiny hint for you: if your original character has flashing eyes, you might want to ask someone for an unbiased opinion about whether she's a Mary Sue. Because the chance is there. More than there. I'm sorry, but it's better you know, right?
People are allowed to say things. Hell, I encourage it. In America, it's a right, written into the Constitution and everything. So no need to be shy about having your characters do it. Yes, "said" substitutes are occasionally nice, but if your characters routinely utter, wail, articulate, orate, hiss, declaim, or allow words to escape their lips, they're being drama queens. Annoying drama queens, if that isn't redundant. Someone needs to give them a good hearty smacking, and I would like to be the first to volunteer.
Random word mutations. "Never mind" is not one word. No, it isn't. No. It isn't. Neither is "all right." Neither is "shut up." Neither is "how come." This is not German, people. This is English, and we do not just randomly combine any damn words we feel like combining. We really don't. So stop writing as though we do.
Pleasure nubbins. Can we just say nipples? I can. Can we therefore skip nubs and buds and - please god no no no - nips? I definitely can, and I encourage you to give it a try.
Cunny, peach, box, yoni, ya-ya, and bunny. (Special thanks to makesmewannadie for bringing up this one.) If you can't bring yourself to write "cunt," for god's sake don't think these words will let you off the hook. They will only put you on another hook - the one on which we hang people who use terrible, terrible synonyms for female genitals. It may be het, but that does not give you a free pass to write your sex scenes in language five-year-olds have given up as childish.
Towering, proud, generous, rampant, and jutting. Cocks do not tower, at least not in my world, and I am sincerely grateful for that. And while their owners may in fact be proud of them, cocks themselves typically do not have such high self-esteem. And, again, while their owners may be generous, cocks aren't usually all that philanthropic. (Yes, yes, I know the ones we read about do love men. It isn't the same thing at all. Trust me.) Rampant sounds like what a male bovine does on a hot day; cocks should not be rampant unless they are on a coat of arms (and if you've ever written about, say, Aragorn's coat of arms featuring nine cocks rampant, or whatever, know that I love you). And jutting is what piers do, for god's sake. Please, either find new adjectives or explore the world of adjective-free cocks. I'm begging.
Special note for Sentinel writers. "Hippie" is what Blair is. "Hippy" is what the women Blair dates (or, in your stories, probably doesn't date) are. When you say Blair is a hippy witchdoctor, what you're actually saying is that he's a curvaceous practitioner of traditional medicine. Which he isn't. Unless of course you want him to be - your story. But you should know what you're saying about the boy. (And please don't tell me the dictionary lists "hippy" as an alternate spelling for "hippie." I know that. It does that because people misuse the word so much. But when there's a choice between two spellings, and one spelling leads to confusion and one doesn't, do you know which one you should choose? That's right! The not-confusing one! We have enough trouble with pronouns in fan fiction without deliberately causing further confusion, y'know?)
Special note to Due South writers. "Mountie" is a noun. You can use it as an adjective, yes, but only with great caution. And be aware that phrases like "Mountie cock" and "Mountie ass" (especially if "hot, sweet" precedes "Mountie") can derail a sex scene like nothing else on this planet; yes, they can also work just fine, but if you're in any kind of doubt at all, you probably should just skip the whole Mountie thing. And while we're on the topic? I don't know what the hell a Mounty is, but he isn't a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. And please don't ever, ever, write a sentence thus: "The Mountie panted as he mounted Ray." Because those kinds of things can strike a person blind and insane.

Yes, I realize you're all thinking I need some kind of sedative, but these things needed to be said. They really did. Or, well, I needed to say them.

-Footnote-

* Got one I didn't mention? I want to hear it. I encourage you to be as pedantic and difficult as possible; it will make me feel better about this rant, for one thing.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I have and probably will use a few of these. Writing sex scenes is like grammar usage--you don't break the rules until you know every single damned one of them.

Oh, totally. I mean, I'm pretty sure I could come up with counter-examples for every one of my points, stories that do successfully what I said no one should ever do at all. (And who died and made me Queen of Fangirlia?) It's just - well, actually,

viva_gloria is a perfect example. She can get away with a 1,200 word story that contains only one sentence. But that doesn't mean that your average ff.net writer has the slightest chance of doing so.

It's like writing free verse. Anyone can do it, in the sense of putting words together on paper, but it takes serious talent to do it well. And, unfortunately, it seems that the less talent people have, the less they understand that fact.

(But you, my sweet, clearly do have the talent. I therefore grant you a limited license to break the rules. Sure, said license is not actually good for anything - although it is suitable for framing! - but the next time you write about ghosting or carding or whatever, you can feel a warm glow, knowing you have the Queen of Fangirlia's approval.)

*warm glow commences*

I'll say this: carding chest hair? Ick. If it's that long, then they need to check if the bedmate isn't in fact a sheep.

It's like writing free verse. Anyone can do it, in the sense of putting words together on paper, but it takes serious talent to do it well. And, unfortunately, it seems that the less talent people have, the less they understand that fact.

Freak, yeah. *vigorous nodding* I try free verse from time to time, and it's even harder than 100-page epics. And on the subject of epics--there should be notices. If you're going to start one, then have a freakin' plotline in mind, or at least a notion of how it's going to end. None of this "I'll write one part per so many pieces of comments I get" shite.

Oops. Ranted on you. *dashes back to writing*

And on the subject of epics--there should be notices. If you're going to start one, then have a freakin' plotline in mind, or at least a notion of how it's going to end. None of this "I'll write one part per so many pieces of comments I get" shite.

Yes, god, yes. That's the #1 reason I avoid WsIP; lots of times, posting just the first two chapters is a subtle way of telling readers that the author a) is tired of writing this and b) has no clue what to do with it now but c) would like praise for it anyway.

And I wish there'd be less of that 1/? stuff (not so much in LJ, where I expect things to be sort of unfinished, but in archives and so on), because - look, I want to know. Am I looking at the first half of the story or the first hundredth? A guess is fine; I won't blame you if you end up adjusting the number later. But give me something to go on, some way of telling if this story will be in progress for the rest of my natural life (and longer than Remembrance of Things Past) or just until next weekend.

And comment blackmail is the surest way there is of ensuring that I will never, ever read your story. It's like a built-in warning, is how I see it, like a rattlesnake's rattle. Comment blackmail says, "Hi! I'm probably writing awful fic, and I sure won't take kindly to anything less than effusive praise for it, and I'm probably no older than 14. And look out for chapter 8, in which I totally run out of plot, so I have the characters each think the other is dead, but really they're not, and so there's angst and weeping and then lots of embracing! And then it's Christmas!"

To all of the above, amen. I spend five years as a lurker-reader before I ever wrote my first fanfic, and what I experienced then with WIPs made me swear that I wouldn't start a fic unless I already knew that one, I had an ending for it, and two, I could finish it. The only outstanding series I've really got is Gameverse (which parts are fairly episodic and self-contained), and I do have an ending eventually planned for it. But yeah--I have a pretty serious WIP avoidance habit myself. Generally only read a long fic after I know it's finished so I won't be left hanging (and itching to write an ending for it myself;)--fanficcer, after all).

And I've completely given up on most archives. I do use them to archive my own fic, but I generally find all my reading stuff through LJ.

...what I experienced then with WIPs made me swear that I wouldn't start a fic unless I already knew that one, I had an ending for it, and two, I could finish it.

If only we could require all FF writers to take such an oath. And then fulfill it or suffer the consequences. (I, for one, would be happy to serve on the "A WIP Requires Actual Progress" Enforcement Team.)

Generally only read a long fic after I know it's finished

I do this as well, except in very specific cases. There are some authors I know will finish any story they post. And there are some that make sure that each episode in an ongoing story is a story within itself, and a resolved one - much like your Gameverse - so I don't have to have Cliffhanger Terror.

Worst of all WsIP, though, has to be the Unidentified WIP. So you see there's 15 chapters, and there's no WIP warning anywhere, and you start reading. And you get to the end of the last chapter and see "to be continued." And then you find out first-hand why so many states have waiting periods on handgun purchases.

And I've completely given up on most archives.

I find lots of stuff through LJ. But some of my fandoms just don't have enough of a LJ presence for that. (Hell, some of my fandoms barely exist.) And there are some archives that are not evil. But, yeah, since I started avoiding archives my bad read:good read has improved markedly.

Worst of all WsIP, though, has to be the Unidentified WIP. So you see there's 15 chapters, and there's no WIP warning anywhere, and you start reading. And you get to the end of the last chapter and see "to be continued." And then you find out first-hand why so many states have waiting periods on handgun purchases.

Just jumping in belatedly to agree with this (and the rant about WIPs.) It's so mean. And as a result now, often people who have finished their fics but not labeled them completed are just as likely to be skimmed by me.

Wandered back here after the vid rant, for which much thanks btw.

WIPs confuse me.

The first thing I do after I finish a draft is go back and see how much the ending I wound up with is going to require me to revise the first part.

4 Better Ideas mid-fic is about average. 10 has occurred.

I have NO IDEA how the ATKM arc ends. Or when. Skud has theories I THINK but I've asked her not to tell me too much.

Hmmm. Interesting.

I'm beginning to think I'm v. weird in that I get my ideas--all of them--as full-fledged stories. Beginning, middle, and ending. Then it's just a matter of transcribing it from the head to the computer screen.

I tend to have one scene, quite vividly, and then once I figure out where that belongs, I write to it and past it and so forth.

The PLOT doesn't actually change hugely, usually, and the theme is sets, but -- all the way through writing ATKM my blessed betas were going What The Hell Is The Matter With Slutbunny?

And it wasn't going to change. I know he doesn't act like that usually, but he was damned well acting like that, and there it was. I am ashamed to tell you how close that thing was to done when I figured out what the matter with Slutbunny was. (Poor Slutbunny)

But once I knew, I had to go back and tweak all over the place.

Rant: Enough Is Enough; or, Signs I've Read Too Much Fan Fiction

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject