thefourthvine | If You Want to Flame Me, Here’s How: Help for the Apparently Hopeless

Entry tags:

[rant],
flames

If You Want to Flame Me, Here’s How: Help for the Apparently Hopeless

[Note: this is a fannish LJ, not a political one, so no election comments will be found herein. If you're curious about how I'm feeling, email me and I'll tell you.]

First, I have to say how disappointed I am that I even need to write this, but it is entirely clear that I do. I have in my possession a small collection of flames regarding the content of this LJ. They all have one thing in common: they are pathetic. I mean, there was a time in this world when a flame meant something. I grew up grinding my teeth as I chanted, "Do not feed the trolls" like a mantra. It used to be difficult to move on without responding. And do you know why? Because those trolls were actually good at what they did. They wanted to piss me off, and they succeeded.

From this LJ, though? The very best flames have made me laugh. Most have just left me worried about the future of bitter rhetoric. So it's apparent to me that if I want flaming as an art form to be preserved for future generations, I need to act now. Thus, I'm offering the short course on "Flaming for Dummies." Because evidently some people out there really need it.

Don't paint the target on your own forehead. So, for example, if you're responding to a rant about poor spelling, grammar, and usage, don't make copious tragic spelling errors in your email. All you're going to do is reinforce my beliefs. (Well, and make me giggle, which was likely not your intention.) I'm really not going to give up on the English language just because it's too hard for you.
Say what you mean. Sure, meaning what you say is important, too, but it doesn't matter how sincerely you believe your statements if no one else can understand them. I can't be angry and hurt and insulted if I'm too busy trying to figure out what it means that you "het"* me. Do you hate me? Do you heart me? Do you get me? Do you want to have heterosexual sex with me? (For the record, if it's the last one, don't hold on to your hopes. I don't have sex outside my space-time continuum, and it's clear that you come from Alternate Earth #437, where they speak Genslih, that strange language that has some things in common with English, but doesn't make a lick of sense to English speakers.)
Know your target, part I. Before you write me hostile email, take four minutes to review my user info and read one of my posts completely. It will greatly enhance the success of your flames. Because, see, when you base your flame on the assumptions that, for example, I come from New York City (or Europe), I have a penis, and I am a teacher, I'm not going to be wounded. I'm going to be wondering if there's a website for mis-directed flames where I can post this so that perhaps the proper be-penised Manhattan-based educator will someday see it.
Know your target, part II. If you're going to insult me, then insult me. Please. Do not simply state the truth and expect that I will understand why it's a bad thing. For example, if you tell me that I like boys, or that I like girls, my reaction is going to be that yes, I do, at least in some specific cases, although I'm working every day to make my misanthropy all-encompassing, so be sure to check back later. If you tell me that I shouldn't think I'm better than other people just because I "write good,"* I'm going to focus on that last part first. I do write "good." I write it all the time, because this is a LJ about good fan fiction, but I wouldn't call it an ability of which I am particularly proud. Or do you mean that I write well? Because in that case, um, you've just complimented me, which is not going to enhance the burn at all. So by the time I get around to the first part of your sentence, which was the supposed insult, my only possible response is, "I don't think I'm better than most people. I just think I'm better than you, but only because you can't flame me for shit."
Sarcasm is not for everyone. Specifically, it's probably not for you. I mean, you got offended by that comment I made because you didn't get that it was sarcastic, right? Well, if you can't recognize it, honey, you sure can't use it. Stick to insults you hear in daily use on a kindergarten playground. Or, you know, if that's too much, I could probably dig up some links to form flames for you. Just let me know how I can help; I want to make flaming me as easy and successful as possible.
If you caused your problem, don't come crying to me. Let me emphasize that you are welcome to read this LJ even if you don't read slash; I'm happy you're here, and I do post some stuff that won't bother you. And I have received email from people who are looking for non-slash recs in one of my fandoms, and I have helped those people, because they were balanced and polite. In other words, they didn't send me feedback saying, "Slash sux and you sux and slash is sick and you are sick you need help."* Please note that I am not the one reading a LJ named after and filled with stuff that, by my own account, makes me sick, so I have to suspect a misdiagnosis on your part.

-Footnote-

* Quotes are mostly sic, but I did correct capitalization in certain cases so as not to strike readers blind. A secret message from me to people who need it: while I appreciate your desire to implement capital letters, they are not something you can simply toss into your writing at random. They are really only appropriate in certain locations. If you are unaware of that, please stop writing, for all our sakes. Thank you.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

DATALOG: 5,666,420,187 years A.F.V. *After Fourth Vine*

[you are the first comment in 6 billion years, Visitor]

HOW DARE YO REC PROTON/PROTON???!??!?! THATS JUST SICK. PROTON/NEUTRON is OTP4EVR!

*boom*

Neutron looked around the nucleus sadly. It was so lonely here, all alone! What good was one neutron all by itself? It seemed like all the other neutrons had already found the protons they were destined for, and were settling down, gaining electrons and forming molecules. All Neutron's friends had found someone - was it so wrong to hope for a partner too? Neutron vibrated restlessly. Please, Big Bang, Neutron begged, just send me someone who will love me for who I am! A vision of Proton appeared in Neutron's mind, but Neutron suppressed it ruthlessly. Proton would never be interested in a neutron like me!
Suddenly, Neutron became aware of someone else's presence. It was Proton! Neutron was speechless, stuck dumb by longing for the stunning proton.
"I'm sorry to intrude..." Proton began.
"Oh, no, you could never intrude!" Neutron babbled nervously. "I'm always here for you. How can I help you?"
"I... I can't sleep. I feel so lonely! Can I share your nucleus tonight?"
Neutron was stunned. Was Proton really asking to share a nucleus?
"I'm sorry," Proton stammered, mistaking Nucleus's shocked silence for a refusal. "I should never have presumed..."
"Wait!" Neutron shouted. "I want to. I've loved you for so long, but I never thought that you would be interested in a neutron like me."
"Interested? You are my everything! I've dreamt of you for so long!"
"Oh, Proton!"
"Oh, Neutron!"
They came together then, shaking frantically, and a deep sense of peace took hold of them both. Finally, everything was right with the universe. Proton moved in with Neutron, and it wasn't long before they had an electron of their very own orbiting their nucleus. They were each part of a real Hydrogen atom at last.

thefourthvine u must rec this or suffer my rath.

Not rath! Oh, god, anything but that.

But, see, I can't rec this. It's too much of a Neutron Sue for me. That's the problem with Proton/Neutron; there's just so much self-insertion.

! *scrols up too, red words of wisdom for Flaamers* *gives up B-caus its just 2, like, confuzing, u no?!* XXXXXD

Why r u being so mean 2 me?!?! I cant beliv u wud say that!1 Neutron is *not* a Neutron Sue, evn if my name IRL *is* Neutron!!1! ur just jealous because u cant rite like me!!1!!111

Good god. I've just realized something. We have followed a path of parallel development. Just as little boy hackers develop L33t to amuse themselves and annoy everyone else, we've developed fNgrrl!!11ish, or whatever the hell it's called.

Think about it; they're almost the same, really. Both are irritating variations of written English used exclusively in internet settings. Both involve excessive use of certain number and punctuation keys, creative alternate spellings, and unfortunate insertions of letters into words where they do not, in a traditional orthographic sense, belong. Both annoy everyone who doesn't use it, including the more intelligent, mature, or just plain sane members of the same communities where the written dialect is used. Both are utterly useless. And there's lots of humor built on both.

I bet at least three thousand papers have already been written on this topic, actually.

Hee! I'm glad you liked it, because after all I did write it for you. (Which I have just realised I didn't explicitly state. Whoops. Hang on...)

I hereby dedicate this fic to

cherrysher, who ~~set an evil rabid plotbunny on me~~ inspired me to write the epic love story of Proton and Neutron's True Love. *sobs* I could never have done it without you! *waves hand in front of face* Thank you!

omg111111 a bnf deadikatd a fic to mee squeeeeeeeeeeeee

_{How much do I want to start a science slash comm now?}

This is fantastic; it truly made me laugh. And how often does anyone get comment anthropomorfic, anyway? I'm honored you chose to grace my comments section with it.

Honored, and *much* amused.

I have a theory - the only people who flame are those who don't appreciate/understand talent with the written word, and therefore are incapable of flaming coherently. (That said, I found it surprisingly difficult to write a really *good* bad comment.)

And how often does anyone get comment anthropomorfic, anyway?
Not often enough, sadly. *spreads the athropomorfic love*
(News just in (via

delurker) - it actually turns out that there's a community for anthropomorfic,

anthropomor_fic - lj/fandom never ceases to amaze me.) Although it turns out that once you get started, it's surprisingly easy to find reasons to continue writing it (http://www.livejournal.com/users/delurker/12543.html).

As for honored - think of this as the anti-flame, the light side to the dark side of responses. I'm pleased I was able to give you something in return for all the enjoyment I get from your recs/rants/advice/fandoms I have loved (and will now infect others with, but only in a *good* way). I read your recs not just for the stories themselves (although they've given me a fair bit of enjoyment too), but for your commentary on the stories.

This seems like an ideal moment to mention that I laughed hysterically when I read this post (and all the comments it's spawned).

And if that wasn't enough, this post has given me two new words - be-penised and anthropomorfic - which I honestly cannot understand how I managed to live without previously.

I have a theory - the only people who flame are those who don't appreciate/understand talent with the written word, and therefore are incapable of flaming coherently.

That's a good point. It does seem to be true in the LJ fan community, although I can't think why. I especially don't know why it would be true in the fannish world but not the larger one, but I know that there are many internet communities where flames are well written and carefully composed, even something of an art form. Huh.

Oh, I didn't realize you didn't know of

anthropomor_fic. It's a fascinating community, isn't it? There's some shockingly good stuff there;

viva_gloria wrote a brilliant astronomy drabble a few days ago, for example.

This seems like an ideal moment to mention that I laughed hysterically when I read this post (and all the comments it's spawned).

Thank you! And thank you for returning the favor with your, um, humorous comment thing. Not entirely sure what to call it, actually, but - you know. That.

(And we must all make a sincere effort to use the word "be-penised" as much as possible, I think. Webster and Johnson would be so pleased, would they not?)

OTPforevahOMG!!!1!!!

I'm sniffling. That was so sweet.

Aww. *gives tissue* Thanks!

*screams with laughter*

That was the most beautiful fic I have ever read, ever. You, sir/madam, are a creative genius. I bow to your superior wit.

*still laughing*

OMFG!

*loves*

Thanks! I had so much fun writing this :). Just out of curiosity, how did you stumble across this deathless tale of True Love?

<3 Oh. One of my friends linked it to me. I didn't realize you'd written it late last year until after I commented. *a bit embarrassed*

*a bit embarrassed*
Oh no, don't be! I'm having a pretty bad week and it was really nice to get positive feedback when I wasn't expecting it. :)

Yay! :D *gives you a cookie*

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

If You Want to Flame Me, Here’s How: Help for the Apparently Hopeless

Re: hold on, I'm sure I can draft the Platonic flame

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)

Re: OMG proton/neutron!!!111! (i can't beleive sum ppl there just sic i mean proton/proton, ew!!1)