thefourthvine | Rant: If It's Tuesday, I Must Be Whining

So. Work.

Also, fandom. Because when work goes sour on me (and lady, make up your fucking mind; sorry, but you have no idea how that needed to be said, and the people who know about the violent offenders will understand this comment), I reel into the welcoming, porny arms of fandom (it's my metaphor and I can damn well fracture it if I wish, unlike certain violent-offender-obsessed people, who are not allowed to touch my metaphors, thanks), only to get. Well. Ranty.

What can I say? I give to fandom what I can't use in my everyday life. Which means I give: 1) sarcasm, 2) enthusiasm, and 3) my rapidly-decreasing tolerance of humanity. (Go away, violent offender lady. And while we're at it: go away, violent offenders. Go - offend yourselves.)

Your issues are showing, part one. Everyone overuses this word these days. I do it as much as anyone. But, please, before you drop it into your story, think: is the character a guy who communicates in single-word sentences and grunts? Does "issues" contain one more syllable than said character ever uses? Is the character a seventh-century monk? Because, yes, there are some characters who can believably discuss issues and needs and feelings. It'd work just fine to have Blair Sandburg do nothing else. But if you've got Jack Aubrey or Aeryn Sun using "I feel" statements, well, I just hope your story is about mind control, or the statement in question is "I feel like [killing/beating the shit out of/shooting/firing cannons at, delete as appropriate] [Napoleon/John Crichton/the Spanish/nearly everyone, delete as appropriate]." Hints: in general, if your character is all about action, don't have him reflect on his need to process and his commitment issues. Really. Also, long discussions of feelings that would not be out of place in a couple's therapy session? Not suitable for your average police officer, career military man, or contract killer.

Don't cry for me, dark lord Sauron. It isn't that I mind crying qua crying. It's that I mind how it's used – problem solver, confession of love, apology, indication of character growth, sandwich spread. Look. There are some stories that should feature crying. When a character dies, for example, it is right to have other characters cry. But, ummmm, how can I put this? There are some characters who just don't cry that much, and maybe that's the way they should stay, especially if right now they're crying more than pregnant women who can't stop watching Dumbo. Action is another good distinguisher here. If your character, say, regularly uses a gun, consider other ways he might express frustration, for example, or dismay. (Hint: shooting people, or sometimes things, is a very popular choice. In certain segments of society, and I won't mention violent offenders here, but - oh. I did.)

Your issues are showing, part two. There are only seven plots in all of fan fiction, yes, but if you consistently, throughout all your fandoms, have a character get abducted, subjected to mind control, and made the victim of a renegade biologist who grafts his upper body onto the lower body of an ungulate, that says more about you than about your fandoms. Hell, it says more about you than I really want to know. Sometimes it's more appropriate to seek a therapist than an audience, and this could be one of those times.

Yes, Virginia, you can have too many adjectives. I mean, you don't have to limit yourself strictly to nouns and action verbs ("Jim fucks. Blair moans. Reader yawns."), but please consider the overall effect your descriptives are bringing to your story. For example:

Cock: Short and to the point. In some instances, perhaps too much so.
Rock-hard cock: Rather cliché, yes, and not exactly accurate, but not excessively purple or unintentionally amusing.
Hot, rock-hard cock: We're deep in Clicheland, but we're not yet over the top.
Hot, throbbing rock-hard cock: OK, this is starting to be a bit much.
Huge, hot, throbbing rock-hard cock jutting proudly from its gorgeous nest of wiry black curls: Ha ha ha ha. I mean, seriously; consider the effect of this phrase on your will to read further. Or, hell, your will to live.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There. Now I've taken care of it. We, as a genre, are going to meet our exclamation point use quota for the month, so you don't need to scatter them throughout your FF to keep the feds off our backs; you can keep it down to just the !s you really need. (No, don't thank me; the joy shining from your face is enough. As is your relatively exclamation-point-free story.) And, let's face it, you don't need one of those too often. If you can't tell people through word choice, emphasis, and description that someone is shouting, surprised, or otherwise inclined to speak loudly and hurriedly, one of those pointy, dotty buggers is not going to solve your problem. Save the things to follow actual interjections, and work on your dialog skills. Also? Exclamation points don't work too often in narrative; if you're using a lot of them, you may have misunderstood the - hee, hee - point of the things. And, finally, a point I may have read somewhere else, but that is so important it's worth making again: exclamation points are loners. They do not mate. They are not a package deal with their social circles or their families or, god help them, their little heterosexual question mark mates. One exclamation point is all you get per sentence, and it doesn't want any other punctuation as company. So no more !!! – if you couldn't get the intensity across with one, a few extras won't improve matters, trust me. And definitely no more !?!?!; use italics and word choice to convey that the question is an important one, and leave your damn exclamation point alone. It will thank you. And so will I.

Not every pronoun was created equal. So, for example, if Blair and Jim hop into bed together, they should stay Blair and Jim throughout and not suddenly transmogrify into "the younger man" and "the older man" or "the shorter man" and "the taller man." Yes, pronouns are a constant problem for slashers, but that's no excuse for this kind of writing. Unless Fraser is actually thinking of Ray as "the American" while going down on him (And if he is, what the fuck is wrong with him? Because in my experience Canadians don't typically have American fetishes, on account of proximity breeding resentment, or however that goes.), don't call Ray that in a sex scene. I've read so many pronoun-substitute stories that I have a special hatred reserved for the phrase "the other man"; I'm about two days away from writing a story called that, just to make my hatred clear. ("Loving the Other Man," by

thefourthvine, a Kowalski/Fraser amnesia story. Look for it soon!) You never need that phrase in a sex scene, unless you're writing a third-party PoV.

Very soul. What the fuck is a very soul? Someone tell me, because I am flat mystified. From extensive and often painful reading (though, let me tell, you not nearly as painful as the statistics on violent offenders), I've been able to deduce that people have two kinds of souls – the regular or non-very kind, and then the very one, which is apparently the one that's involved in sex and romance. ("...to the bottom of his very soul.") But beyond that, I'm totally confused - why do humans have two souls? Is it all humans, or just the ones in romance stories? Help, people. (And, yes, I know it's from Hamlet, so you don't need to quote that in your answer. It's just – we don't write much like Shakespeare did these days. How did the very soul stick around?)

Mine, mine, mine. Did I miss the memo on this one? Because on my planet, you don't claim people like territory, and fucking someone doesn't give you any rights beyond, you know, maybe a blood test. Or child support. But I've read so much FF that equates fucking and possession that any minute now I expect Daniel to fuck Jack while saying, "I'm a peaceful explorer" and then Jack to return the favor with, "I claim this ass in the name of the Tauri of Earth." Until someone forwards me a copy of the "penetration is a marriage ceremony among our people" amendment to the social contract, I'm going to shout my gospel from the rooftops: Marrying someone gives you rights. Moving in with someone gives you rights. And cosigning on major debt sure as fuck gives you rights. But just fucking someone doesn't mean you own his ass (except, of course, in prison), and if you'd like to think it does, take this moment to reflect on all the people who, by your definition, have the right to get territorial over you.

Be real. Or at least realistically fake. It's called fan fiction because it's about characters other people created. Which means that you should be familiar with said characters. If even I am reading your story and saying, "But he isn't taller than she is" or "Wait, no, they both have blue eyes," you've got a problem. I don't care how you picture it – Spike does not have a body that will win him the next Mr. Universe competition. Late canon Daniel Jackson is not scrawny and weak. Cordelia Chase does not have broad hips. Basically, if I am noticing problems with your descriptives – me, the woman voted Most Likely to Fail to Recognize Herself If She Ever Visits an Alternate Reality – it's back to canon kindergarten for you.

It's a dark, dark world. But that doesn't mean you need to use a black background, people. Backgrounds should be light. White is ideal – the gold standard of page backgrounds! – but anything pale is fine. While we're at it, text should be dark. Let me repeat: dark text. Light background. And you will be blessed and your line will never be extinguished and one day you'll wake up and the morning news will feature pictures of Orlando Bloom kissing Viggo Mortensen, unless you'd rather see them kiss other people, in which case that's what will happen. But this utopia can only come into being if you avoid the Unforgivable Website Sins, which include: headache text (in bright red or yellow or similar), blending text (dark gray text on a light gray background, as a single example), and the ever-popular light text on a dark background. While such Unforgivable Website Sins are still in existence, the world can only contain migraines. I hope you feel bad.

A ripping good time. I know you can tear shirts off people. I've done it myself, actually; I've even done it unintentionally. But the accidental ripping occurred in college, when people tended to wear things until they fell apart (and often even after that). The thing is, not all fabrics tear as easily as ancient concert t-shirts with no surviving legible text. If your character is tearing a good shirt off someone, he's leaving some marks. And people don't always appreciate having their clothes torn, you know. Just once I want to read a story in which the characters kiss, their hands roving wildly over each other, their hips thrusting almost violently together, both half-crazy with lust, and then character A rips off character B's shirt and he gets all pissy: "Jesus Christ. Ever heard of taking two seconds, Caveman? This cost three hundred dollars!"

And now I return to the sweet, sweet embrace of violent offenders. Think of me. Think of me fondly. Or, hell, just write me some Beecher/Keller porn.

Think I missed something? Previous FF rants are here, here, here, and here.

Got some FF bitching to get off your chest? Share in the comments section. I like to know I'm not alone in my insanity.

Hate me and want to make sure I know it? Remember to flame with class.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's a dark, dark world.

I find it amusing to track how my ideas change as I progress through the Stages of Fandom. I share your pain for violently inappropriate page colour combinations. I'm a black-on-white girl at heart, and always have been. I like it, and I don't care if that makes me a traditionalist.

However, a sight-impaired friend, who is something of a campaigner about making the world a more user-friendly place for people with disabilities, tells me that white text on a black background is actually much easier to read on a computer screen than the reverse.

I am not yet totally convinced, but keep thinking, rather guiltily, that perhaps I should re-code my website. After all, should I not be an equal-opportunity crack pimper? Don't the blind have a right to easily digestible pornography too?

Thanks for your most recent rec set, btw. I hadn't read the dueSouth story before and loved it. Are you sure I can't tempt you into some other fandoms? I'd love to see what you'd dig up in the wodnerful world of rps.

However, a sight-impaired friend, who is something of a campaigner about making the world a more user-friendly place for people with disabilities, tells me that white text on a black background is actually much easier to read on a computer screen than the reverse.

The problem there is that it can go either way. My mother is sight-impaired, and she finds big (like, 16-point plus) bold dark text on a white background easiest to read, which is normal for her particular eye disease. But others prefer white (and usually big and bold) text on a black background. The one thing that seems to be a constant is that screwing around with close colors (lavender on pink, say) is tough on people who are already having trouble making things out. But, well, it's kinda tough on the rest of us, too, so no big shock.

I am not yet totally convinced, but keep thinking, rather guiltily, that perhaps I should re-code my website.

You know what my thought on this is going to be. I can justify it, though: people who have sight impairments usually have accessibility software on their computers that forces most websites into whatever configuration is easiest for them to read. But that only works for those who still have some sight. So my offhand suggestion - and keep in mind that I'm not an accessibility expert or even close - is, if you're going to make changes to your site, to implement alt text and skip navigation and so on; that makes speech-based browsing much easier. (I've helped a blind friend use speech browsing before, so I can say this: it can be absolutely impossible to make sense of perfectly ordinary sites if you can't see. And others can work perfectly well; it's weird what works and what doesn't.)

Actually, the last time I checked, there were a couple of nifty sites that checked URLs for accessibility barriers. Running those is fun even if you don't use the results.

Are you sure I can't tempt you into some other fandoms? I'd love to see what you'd dig up in the wodnerful world of rps.

I can be easily (tragically, pathetically easily) tempted into passive membership in a fandom; in other words, it's easy to get me to the point where, although I'm not aggressively seeking stories in a fandom, I'll happily read any I come across and rec any I think are great. It's harder to get me to be so involved that I search for stories in the fandom and make an effort to stay current in it - the Fandoms I Have Loved level of involvement, in other words.

However, I've so far been completely unable to cope with RPS. I keep waiting for that boundary to collapse (because, you know, if there's one thing fandom always does, it's tromp over every standard you thought you had), but my RPS squick has so far stayed strong. It's a total mystery to me.

But, hey, if you've got any specific fandoms you'd like to mention, go for it. I'm always fascinated by what my LJ friends read, even if I can't go there.

Thanks for the suggestions regarding retooling a website. I try to remember to use alt tags and so forth already, which makes me feel virtuous for no good reason :) Actually, I'm fundamentally lazy when it comes to major re-vamps, so I suspect it will remain a vague "I should really..." at the bottom of my To Do list until the end of time.

I won't rant at you about RPS slash not actually being about real people, but the celebrity personas we're sold in the press, because I'm sure you've heard it all before. I will pimp a couple of favourite stories, though:

Lemur's "Deconstructing Legolas (http://www.ofelvesandmen.com/Stories/L/Lemur/DeconstructingLegolas.htm)" is not at all explicit. It's a friendship fic, and it looks at the way people build their own personality in comparison to the ways in which actors create roles. I love the meta aspect of it. That's one of the main reasons I love rps, actually.

"Fall (http://www.livejournal.com/users/vegetariansushi/43718.html)" by

vegetariansushi is beautiful. Just lovely. Also not explicit.

If you like those at all, you can find more of my favourite Lotrips at

lotr_squee, or ask

makesmewannadie for recs.

If you want to try another rps fandom, the only other one I know is Afflection (Matt Damon/Ben Affleck). Here are a couple of stories:

"Fishing (http://www.livejournal.com/community/damonaffleck/16871.html)" by

aleathiel. Another friendship kink fic, which as you may have gathered is a big thing for me.

And... Afflection isn't a very big fandom, so I'm throwing one of mine in here. "minimum safe distance (http://www.livejournal.com/users/cupidsbow/97523.html)" which is pretty damn short, but NC-17.

Other than RPS, I read a variety of things. You can find my multi-fandom rec community here:

rec_room. It's pretty Battlestar Galactica heavy at the moment, as I'm driving for

crack_van, so I've been madly archiving recs. The BSG recs are a mixed bag, actually. The BSG 1978 fandom is good if you like epically long space opera. The BSG 2003 recs are the best of the fandom to date, but it's a very new fandom, so there are a higher ratio than usual of recs for stories that are good but not really great.

But then, as you obviously know from wide and painful experience, the level of quality does vary from fandom to fandom, depending on the writers. Van Helsing, for instance, has very few good stories. With Smallville, on the other hand, a reccer is spoilt for choice. In my opinion the variation is one of the joys of being a multi-fandom reader. It's always an adventure.

All you have to do is not lock down your format! Being html-illiterate, I do not know how this is accomplished, but I do know that the option exists. I can change the colors and font size on any site except ones that have been coded to remain as they are no matter what. I have used Mozilla and IE to do this and as noted above, Opera will do it too.

If you really want to know how, I can always ask my handy computer geek husband. I'm sure he must know; he's the one who taught me how to change the appearance and he's put up enough websites.

Hi there. Thanks for taking the time to respond to my web-page design rant. Unfortunately, it's very easy to set a web page so that it's coded to remain the same, no matter what the end-user chooses as setings. I agree that it's very annoying--an obvious example of style winning out over substance. I mean, what is the point of have a cross-platform standard that can be manipulated by the end user (which is what html is designed to be), if you then lock it all into a regimented print-text style format?

It makes me grind my teeth. Believe me, my website may not have a lot of bells and whistles, but it can be magnified to any size you like. :)

Rant: If It's Tuesday, I Must Be Whining

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