thefourthvine | Super-Wanky Special Poll: Nobody Loves Me, Everybody Hates Me. I Think I'll Go Eat Trolls.

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Super-Wanky Special Poll: Nobody Loves Me, Everybody Hates Me. I Think I'll Go Eat Trolls.

Except, see, I really don't want this to get wanky. I'm just not sure there's any way to discuss this without wank, although I'm going to try. Try really, really hard.

And please keep in mind, as you read this and select various boxes of clickiness, that I am not asking why no one loves me. Because, actually, I feel very loved. (Um, yeah, the title of the post and the poll would seem to argue otherwise, but my feeling is: if I'm going to post on a topic of potential wankiness, I might as well make fun of myself. That way, at least it will be amusing. To me, I mean.) LJ has been good to me.

It's just that anniversaries are much on my mind lately. (Best Beloved and I will be celebrating our, um, somethingth year together tomorrow. We still haven't figured out just what number year it is, though.) And my LJ anniversary is coming up, so I've been reflecting on it, in my usual mature, considered manner. ("Hmmm. Two years? Really?" [pause for thought] "Oooo! Porn!") And I've noticed that, over time, my experience of LJ has changed. For example, I'm much less likely to make friends (actual friends, not friends-list friends) now, and when I do, it's as a result of me seeking other people out.

Also, I've been getting strange responses to the comments I leave in other people's LJs lately. Used to be, people just responded. Or not. Whichever. Now - well, I sometimes get responses that indicate major astonishment that I commented on a friend's post at all.

This is weird. Isn't it? It's new to me, anyway, and therefore weird to me.

Admittedly, I'm not the biggest commenter; I don't comment on 99.5% of the posts I read, because I'm just not very social. (People who know me in real life are invited to take 10-15 minutes to laugh helplessly on the floor at that understatement.) But that's always been true, the not commenting and the not socializing. So I'm kind of wondering if the subtext of these new, weird responses is, "Wow. You actually came down from your high horse long enough to leave a comment in my LJ! A very long and pointless comment, let me add, which I'm kind of astonished you thought I'd be interested in." (Because when I do comment, I do it to excess. You should all be very glad I don't comment any more often, actually.) In other words, I'm wondering if my bad LJ habits (lack of comments, spotty replying, a dearth of posts) have made me something of, um, a Notorious B.I.T.C.H. (I'm spelling it! For purposes of delicacy! See? No wankiness here!)

Which, hey, if that's the case, I'm fine with it, actually. (Yet more evidence for bitch-hood, I realize.) But, okay. You know how we are all destined for hell because of all the fun we're having? I suspect I will not be frolicking on level 2 with the rest of you lusty folks, but rather wherever it is they store the excessively curious. (I'll be asking "Why?" in hell, in other words. This is a very suitable fate for me.) I'm okay with my LJ experience changing; I'm still having just as much fun here - more fun than is legal in most states, in fact. But I want to know why it's changed.

So I'm asking you.

But, seriously, this is not a request for you to tell me you love me. (Love doesn't need a season! Or a reason! Or a wankfest!) Instead, I invite you to speculate on why other people don't love me. Or, at any rate, why they seem unwilling to talk to me, and why they sometimes act shocked when I talk to them.

Plus, it's an occasion to post a poll. And is there ever a really bad reason to do that?

[Poll #671603]

Threaded | Flat

Um ... possibly I'm too self-centred. I, um, thought everything was fine, darling.

Of course, this capacity I have for not noticing being bothered about these things may explain why I have trouble staying married, too.

:)

*giggles*

and see? it is polls like THIS why I love you so damn much ♥

honestly though, if people dont comment to me (lord, especially THESE days) I just think its because Im posting about something they're not interested (the wb! rps! WB RPS JESUS CHRIST!) and not the fault of the *commenter* But, you know. those of us writing wb rps might have *koff* different standards than most people.

My LJ experience has been... weird and strange, in that I've been around LJ for four years but only really started actually making friends via LJ about a year ago.

...of course, this is my own fault for being an exceptionally introverted "OMG, I can't talk to them!" person even online, and you know, I've long since discovered that if I don't talk to people, they don't talk to me. Not that this helps me talk to them in the first place.

Why don't people want to be your friend: they DO, they're just awed by your coolness, so they are kind of amazed when you talk to poor ordinary little them ;)

Changes in my LJ use: I became active in online fandom thingies about 18 months ago. I had my LJ for years before that and was aware of fandom but not really *in* it til I realised there were active communities for people who were obsessively squeeing over tall ship fandoms *M&C, etc).

I remember some actress responding to the question of whether or not it was easier to get dates now that she's famous, etc. and she said it was, in fact, much harder. But why!?! Well, because nobody asks anymore, she said. People just figured she already had a zillion friends and dates and didn't need any more losers pestering her to spend time with them.

A situation which may parallel yours a bit. All the fame, though probably less of the fortune, I'm afraid. You're pretty well-known around these parts, and I imagine not a lot of sane people want to be the dork pestering you with comments and questions. Plus, you come across as really articulate and intelligent. And you know how secure people on the internets can be. ;)

Exactly what

cranberryink said, except that she said it much better than I could.

I like you (I really like you *g*), even when I know nothing at all about 95.5% of the fandoms you post about, which is probably why you don't comment in my journal, either. I figure we both just have each other friended because a) we're cool & b) between us, we've got just about every shiny fandom covered.

But I still hear hugs help. So, here, have Affleck hugging on his bitch. :)

I couldn't pick any of the choices for the first question because the truth is -- yeah, I've noticed you don't comment much, but all that means is I'm doubly pleased when you do! I think, Cool, she's reading my lj! Her - that amazingly smart writer chick!

I'm just tickled to death when you do comment on my journal and anyone who would give you a snarky response to a comment is just an ass. Yep, I said it -- ASS. Not worth your time.

I think comments are just DOWN in general. I blame lack of reader confidence and the Bush administration.

Huh. In trying to think if I'd ever been astonished that you replied to a post of mine, I couldn't actually recall if you'd ever replied to a post of mine ;).

I don't think I would be astonished, although you're not someone I necessarily expect to reply, mostly because, well, I don't think you have much, but I can't say I've attributed that to anything negative on your part. Some people just don't comment much.

It's so strange how internal and external perceptions can differ. The only impression I have of you are positive ones--that you're a faninsh giver, taking the time and care to make thoughtful recs. And your occasional comments on my posts have always made me happy. They don't need to be frequent. *hugs*

I assume people are intimidated by your coolness. No. Seriously.

I've been on LJ for over four years and I was just thinking the other day that I'm getting more boring. In the beginning, I'd have something interesting to say (imnsho) and I wouldn't say it because I wanted to streamline the post to the most interesting things. I remember convincing myself that people didn't need a blow by blow account of my day no matter how cool I thought it was. I think I've fallen from that a bit (A bit - Ha) because my posts are getting longer and the interesting factor is not increasing.

I do find myself from time to time making new friends and I think it comes from a sustained effort from both parties in terms of frequent mutual commenting. So if one person doesn't do "their share" of the commenting, then things don't develop. And it's not like it has to be on personal stuff (though that depends on what kind of friends you are talking about) it just has to be something where you can tell the two of you enjoy talking about something together. Perhaps without a reaching out to other people's comments, people don't get the sense of mutual friendship building up, and they assume you are merely replying to their comments in your posts because that's what you do.

I'm the last person who ought to be giving anybody advice about any sort of social endeavor, online or not. But I will say that your comments are always welcome in my LJ, and make me neither amazed nor defensive, but instead just kind of yay and happy.

(Which, I know, is exactly the kind of thing you *didn't* want people to say. But your actual question beats the heck out of me, so you'll just have to make do. *g*)

You're internet famous, hon. *G* If I seem a tad surprised that you comment on my LJ, it's because I'm totally not a BNF. People know who you are, and you have a gigantic friendslist. I, personally, am just not that interesting, and spend more time than should be necessary refraining from blathering on about bioremediation and hydrocarbon degraders. (I was actually having slightly more involved thoughts the other night, about internet fame and what makes a BNF, and all the reasons I will never be one. I think I'm actually okay in my corner, but that it neither here nor there.)

I do find that my experience has altered. When I first got my LJ (four years ago, OMG), I was part of a small, close fandom with a central chat channel most everyone visited. I was also in 16 and in retrospect, more emo than I might wish to recall. I knew everyone on my flist reasonably well. While I suppose I was even more of a chore to put up with then than I am now, *G*, I really do think that being surrounded by articulate people who conducted discourse at a higher level was helpful in my linguistic development.

I'm rather prone to fandom hopping now (in fact, I haven't really had a home fandom for a while now) and that's led to a rather piecemeal composition of my flist. I have a few people each from multiple fandoms, and I don't really do fannish squee, so there's less of an opening for an initial opening of communications.

I myself post comments less frequently than I used to -- I've be absolutely horrible as of late, if I'm going to be honest. I really hope that I'm not coming across as stand-offish myself. I've actually been worrying about it, but I just don't always have time to keep up with my flist. I know everyone else is busy too, so perhaps I just let myself become overwhelmed too easily.

If someone isn't commenting on my LJ, I assume that I'm simply not being interesting enough to nudge a response. I think it likely many others have similar thoughts -- not "OMFG, what a BITCH!"

I do flock more than I used to, simply because I'm following a very specialized educational path, and several of the groups and student groups I've mentioned involvement in have my real name and even phone number posted on a website by my permission. I'm afraid I'm rather easy to find.

(It seems I've posted much more than anyone else in this thread. Apologies. But, hey, I out wanked you.)

Seriously, anyone trying to make you feel guilty is not worth the time, though there's a difference between surprise and guilting someone. You're just -- cooler than the rest of us. Internet famous. Honest.

Umm. [toes the dirt] LJ is reflective of what's going on around me, as always. When nothing's going on in my life, I can't generate anything to go on in my LJ. I guess. I think. I always think that nobody likes me. sigh.

cherryice said, you're internet famous. To some people, that implies BNF-hood, which in turn implies that you're a snooty, stuck-up bitch. Which you totally aren't. But that's not going to stop some people from assuming that you are.

I'm sure that people would love you more if you would rec Doctor Who stories, though. If, you know, you wanted to be proactive. *koff* *koff*

As for my own LJ experience, I went from absolutely hating LJ (but participating because that's where fandom was taking place) to actually mostly enjoying myself now. I still think that it's a crappy model for the kind of community interaction that fans tend to have, but I've made my peace with it. *g*

The biggest change in me-on-LJ is that whereas I mostly posted and commented on my friends' journals at first, my journal/flist is now 90% fandom. I've friended all my favorite authors and reccers, challenge comms, etc. I hardly comment at all any more, just read. :D

You've been talking about SGA a lot in recent months, and it's not a show I'm interested in, so I find very little to say. Also, while I love vids, I don't vid myself, so again with the not being able to say much on *that* topic. That's all. :-)

I know I haven't been commenting much in your journal lately just 'cause I haven't had much to *say.* I mean, all of your posts are cool and funny and I feel lame if all I can add to the conversation is saying 'Oooh! cool! funny!' *g*

let me begin by saying this is ALL JUST SPECULATION.

there. wonder if that was loud enough. i suppose i could have made it scrolly and sparkly, but then i'd have to kill myself.

i don't know whose journals you're commenting in and getting surprised reactions, but it could be to do with what people will persist in seeing as the relative size of different fish in different ponds, if you see what i mean. like, you're TFV! the one who recommends stuff, but only five (or six) things at a time, meaning your recs lists are hard to get onto, meaning you are extra-discerning, meaning it's a big Thing for a mere plebe to get a comment from you. because obviously you're Above Us All. if there are people thinking this way, some of them will mean Above Us All in terms merely of position but not of attitude ("she's TFV and i'm a mere plebe, that's all") and some will mean to suggest that they think you think you're Better ("ooh, she's TFV and i'm a 'mere plebe'").

it's all equally ridiculous. for every fan A who thinks of another fan B as the epitome, or the epicenter, or the epi-something, of cool, odds are there's a fan X who thinks the same of fan A. and as far as i've been able to tell, even when fan B is gracious enough to be embarrassed by that kind of attention/adulation/etc. from what should, let's face it, be her peers, for most values of B she finds it all a bit baffling.

(i can't tell if i've wandered off the point, here. i'm still a little medicated and feverish.)

Maybe you're more popular, well-known, intimidating? :D

Me, I'm not here less than I used to be, but I post much less. Mostly, I comment. And read. And surf for fic in fifty fandoms I never mention in my own LJ. Posting I reserve for the full moon.

I’d assumed, from the number of comments you get per post, that you are busy all the time on LJ. (I’d also assumed that that’s why you don’t answer all your comments, too, time issues.) And that there are just a ton of people trying to get your attention all the time, and back in... September? you and I exchanged emails and you were so in-depth and thoughtful and wonderful and I never replied. (Seriously, sometimes that haunts me, but that’s neither here nor there.)

But I was honestly surprised that you had the time to email with me in the first place. I guess I assumed that you already have a core group of people on LJ with whom you communicate regularly, just like I do. And maybe the people surprised by your comments are thinking the same thing? That you do comment, just not to them, and that your commenting is a change from a pattern of yours? Kind of that between having a core group, and replying to the comments that your posts generate, you're already at capacity, socially.

And for the record, I’ve been pleasantly surprised on more than one occasion when I’ve found a comment of yours in someone else’s LJ. Your comments are so well thought out and funny, it’s like finding really great commentfic. It doesn’t surprise me that you’re an infrequent commenter, come to think of it; you’re doing quality over quantity.

As for me, I pursue people online more than I’ve ever done in RL. I’m not very social in person either. ::allows same pause for my RL friends to die laughing:: But I got on LJ a couple years back, pursued some folks, and then switched fandoms, pursued some more folks, and in between my two big social phases, I settled in. So I said in the poll that I’ve become less social, but I do reach out and touch the occasional stranger when the situation warrants it.

I know for a fact that if I’d found you earlier in my fannish experience, I would have talked your damn head off because I think you are clever and scathingly funny and you really should have a newspaper column or something, and I would have been internet-clueless enough to not be put off by the fact that you are really nifty. I enjoy the hell out of you, but honestly? I didn’t know you were open to finding friends. Because (hmm, I may have to re-vote in the poll about this), you don’t post personal stuff, and usually that’s an indication that someone’s not looking for buddies. So, yes, maybe that’s another reason that people are surprised by your comments. You seem like more of an essayist (is that a word?) than someone who's looking for someone(s) to shoot the shit with.

So that's my two cents. I vow to reach out and touch you more often ~~whether you want me to or not~~. Lucky you!

Whether the subtext is there as you're seeing it in those replies is debatable, but if it is there, I'm going to guess that it's about you being perceived as so cool and well-known within fandom that some people are surprised you're even *bothering* to comment.

Meanwhile, I was chatting the other night with some people from various fandoms (all more well known than I am), and we were all whining about not being loved enough fannishly, so...come sit with us and have a cookie! You're not alone!

Yeah, what everyone else said.
1) You seem really busy on lj, so people would assume you didn't have time to comment.
2) You're well-known! So sligth BNF thing with "but, she knows who I am! OMG!"
3) You'er super-cool! That's kind of like number two, but with more pleasure in you for yourself and not what you do.

Also, I go through waves of self-pity where I decide that everyone's taken me off their default view, and it's surprising to get the idea that people take the time to read my ramblings.

You were one of the first people to comment on my journal at all, and I was all 2) then, because of fametracker, and the recs, and it was very pleasing.

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