Poll: Love Me Tender. Or Not. Whichever.

[thefourthvine]

I think it's time to engage in the tradition of a pre-holiday poll. (And when I say "tradition," I mean "I did it last year. Once.") This poll was going to be all thoughtful and intelligent - okay, no, I'm not fooling anymore. But it really was going to be all about you.

And then, see. Okay. helenish posted this (CAUTION: spoilers for the most recent SGA and House), describing John Sheppard as a lover. And I giggled. A lot. But I realized - I disagree with her.

Which made me start thinking about china_shop's dS Cliff, Shag, Marry poll, in which she posed a mean, mean question (Kowalski, Vecchio, Fraser: Cliff, Shag, Marry?). People's responses to that were just fascinating.

So I started to wonder: how are our characters in bed? Now, note: this is not in bed with another character. This is if you were having sex with them. (Yes, assume they're attracted to you. Yes, assume you're attracted to them, or if you can't imagine that without feeling all geechy inside, skip that question.) So I put in a scale for each of them:

1 = OMG WORST EVER. Get away from me.
5 = This is perhaps the most average sexual experience of my life. Ooo, tiled ceiling!
10 = I have just bodily ascended into heaven on the joyous wings of PURE SEXUAL ECSTASY.

But can numbers alone communicate how good a fuck someone is? I mean, suppose, for example, someone is really good at oral sex, then suspiciously bad at everything else? Or a one-minute wonder, but the cuddling is great? So I also included optional text boxes for you to unpack your adjectives and really tell me what sex with this character would be like.

Yes, this is totally a poll without any redeeming value or interest or content. I refuse to feel bad. It is the day before a holiday, and that makes it okay.

(Oh, and if you're curious about why these fandoms - I used the ones that had 200+ current fans in this poll. See, it's all very scientific (and poll-fixated) in here. I have methodology to my madness!)

Note: do not forget to hit submit after each fandom. LJ will only allow 15 questions per poll!


[Poll #873500]


[Poll #873501]


[Poll #873502]


[Poll #873503]


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[Poll #873505]

Comments

oh, dear.

[helenish.livejournal.com]

Maybe I overstated the case! I'm not saying John Sheppard ALWAYS sucks in bed, just...you know, sometimes. Like, maybe a highly anticipated mid-season second date after a pretty exciting first date doesn't work out exactly like you want it to. I TAKE IT BACK! JOHN! I'm SORRY! COME BACK TO ME! TEACH ME HOW TO LOVE!

[ficbyzee.livejournal.com]

The real question is how Batman and Superman are in bed. Who wins??

[monroe-nell.livejournal.com]

...Depends on if you want kinky sex or not. Kinky sex = batman. Seriously. Non-kinky sex = superman. Er, that is - if you want kinky bondage sex.

Otherwise, well, I still say batman because i think superman would be too... afraid to harm a human. *g*

*throws in her 2 cents*

[nightchik.livejournal.com]

ahahahahahahaha.

Re: oh, dear.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

See, now, when I said I disagreed, I meant I thought you gave him too much credit. I see him as being sort of impersonal, all, "So...this is the part of the evening where we touch each other." Like, he'd get you off, maybe a few times, but you'd wonder if he was actually paying any attention. He can be focused when he needs to be, but - yeah, I don't see him bringing that to sex with some random earth girl he's not especially interested in. Like, for example, me.

[summertea.livejournal.com]

If John -> Joe F. -> John where -> represents bleeding over, then he can't be THAT terrible in bed because seriously, 3 kids, all pretty close in age? LALALA.

Now is that poll going 'with someone they like' or a general thing? ;x

[monroe-nell.livejournal.com]

Okay, hm... *ponders*

Apparently I have a thing for accents *g* and intelligence. ANd a theory that lesser good looking guys are better in bed. Plus, ACCENTS.

*facepalm*

Re: oh, dear.

[cathexys.livejournal.com]

see if John ever goes out with *you* again after besmearing his sexual reputation all over LJ!!! *bg&

[missizzy]

Well you know Stephen Maturin's pretty good in bed, and Jack Aubrey is not.

[juniper200.livejournal.com]

Stephen is deliberate and attentive, but Jack's boundless enthusiasm has to count for something. :)

[ngaio]

I don't know whether to be proud or scared that I had very logical reasons for all my score choices!

[missizzy]

Not if it's me he's having sex with; I'm five feet at the tallest and would spend the entire time worrying about my spine! (Which is why Stephen probably tops for the most part)
I suppose someone with bigger bones might like it.

[juniper200.livejournal.com]

I can see him letting a smaller woman ride him. I don't think position or method matter to him as much as "Hey! I'm inside her lady parts!" :D

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I HATE YOU FOREVER FOR MAKING ME IMAGINE A BATTOY. ("The ribbed Bat shape and the special curve make it especially stimulating, and the two sides make it perfect for World's Finest Action. Solid sillicone, with a special super-slick surface.")

HATE YOU SO MUCH.

[anoel.livejournal.com]

See, these are the polls I really don't mind taking. And definitely perfect for the holidays :)

[lynnmonster.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing*

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

I'm having a surprising amount of trouble deciding on an answer for these, but I'm really enjoying reading everybody's thoughts. I love you, fandom!

[eveningblue.livejournal.com]

At first I read your post and I scanned the polls and I thought, ah, none of my fandoms here. But then I looked more closely and saw House.

Still didn't take the poll, though, for this reason: Though I love House and totally see the slash (from, like, the very first episode), I don't read the fanfic and don't like to think about House and Wilson in bed. With each other or anyone else. Because mostly I am thinking, ick. Not hot, ick.

House would be a terrible lover because hello, does he even care a tiny bit about anyone but himself? (Okay, he might care about Stacy.) Let him stick to prostitutes and his right hand.

Wilson--even worse. The most needy man on television. Won't go out with you unless you have cancer or a major psychological disorder. Needs to be needed. I can only imagine how that would translate in bed. Wait, no I can't! And I don't want to!

I wish I didn't feel that way, but there it is.

[hannahrorlove.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if I should answer these, because I don't really want to have sex with a character - or real person, for that matter - so I'd be saying "Get away from me!" before anything got started.

If you'd like, I could answer the poll going from a more general perspective, keeping in mind things like kissing and cuddling.

[commodorified.livejournal.com]

*ponders ray kowalski's standard deviation*

*or is that stud deviation?*

*it says STD deviation, actually, which just... ew.*

*ponders his non-standard deviations some more*

[notpoetry.livejournal.com]

Hee, everyone else gave one word descriptions and I was like, "OH MAN SO OUR DATE WOULD BE LIKE THIIIIS AND THEN WE'D DO THIIIIS" and I'm sorry. *grin*

Re: oh, dear.

[zoerayne]

I see John (absolute canon John) as being more or less like this, and it stemming from how passive he is about sex. Even when he's being the aggressor (e.g., with Chaya), he's not really aggressive, and the rest of the time he's really passive. He sort of lets sex come to him, and if it does he goes with it—though it's kind of a surprise every time someone shows up naked in his bed or pins him against the wall in a supply closet or leans over and blows him while he's driving.

[murklins.livejournal.com]

Ahahaha! So the HP fandom, full of the most filthy sex you'll ever read, is populated by a cast of people who are mediocre in bed! *dies*

[tallulah71.livejournal.com]

I love a poll that actually encourages you to talk about having sex with tv characters. It alleviates some of the shame. ;)

Happydaybeforethanksgiving!

[shusu.livejournal.com]

Aha, I knew I wasn't imagining this. thamiris did a, uhm, qualitative study some time ago of our slashéd boys' sexual prowess (http://thamiris.livejournal.com/179861.html).