Poll: Love Me Tender. Or Not. Whichever.

[thefourthvine]

I think it's time to engage in the tradition of a pre-holiday poll. (And when I say "tradition," I mean "I did it last year. Once.") This poll was going to be all thoughtful and intelligent - okay, no, I'm not fooling anymore. But it really was going to be all about you.

And then, see. Okay. helenish posted this (CAUTION: spoilers for the most recent SGA and House), describing John Sheppard as a lover. And I giggled. A lot. But I realized - I disagree with her.

Which made me start thinking about china_shop's dS Cliff, Shag, Marry poll, in which she posed a mean, mean question (Kowalski, Vecchio, Fraser: Cliff, Shag, Marry?). People's responses to that were just fascinating.

So I started to wonder: how are our characters in bed? Now, note: this is not in bed with another character. This is if you were having sex with them. (Yes, assume they're attracted to you. Yes, assume you're attracted to them, or if you can't imagine that without feeling all geechy inside, skip that question.) So I put in a scale for each of them:

1 = OMG WORST EVER. Get away from me.
5 = This is perhaps the most average sexual experience of my life. Ooo, tiled ceiling!
10 = I have just bodily ascended into heaven on the joyous wings of PURE SEXUAL ECSTASY.

But can numbers alone communicate how good a fuck someone is? I mean, suppose, for example, someone is really good at oral sex, then suspiciously bad at everything else? Or a one-minute wonder, but the cuddling is great? So I also included optional text boxes for you to unpack your adjectives and really tell me what sex with this character would be like.

Yes, this is totally a poll without any redeeming value or interest or content. I refuse to feel bad. It is the day before a holiday, and that makes it okay.

(Oh, and if you're curious about why these fandoms - I used the ones that had 200+ current fans in this poll. See, it's all very scientific (and poll-fixated) in here. I have methodology to my madness!)

Note: do not forget to hit submit after each fandom. LJ will only allow 15 questions per poll!


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Comments

oh, dear.

[helenish.livejournal.com]

Maybe I overstated the case! I'm not saying John Sheppard ALWAYS sucks in bed, just...you know, sometimes. Like, maybe a highly anticipated mid-season second date after a pretty exciting first date doesn't work out exactly like you want it to. I TAKE IT BACK! JOHN! I'm SORRY! COME BACK TO ME! TEACH ME HOW TO LOVE!

Re: oh, dear.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

See, now, when I said I disagreed, I meant I thought you gave him too much credit. I see him as being sort of impersonal, all, "So...this is the part of the evening where we touch each other." Like, he'd get you off, maybe a few times, but you'd wonder if he was actually paying any attention. He can be focused when he needs to be, but - yeah, I don't see him bringing that to sex with some random earth girl he's not especially interested in. Like, for example, me.

[ficbyzee.livejournal.com]

The real question is how Batman and Superman are in bed. Who wins??

[monroe-nell.livejournal.com]

...Depends on if you want kinky sex or not. Kinky sex = batman. Seriously. Non-kinky sex = superman. Er, that is - if you want kinky bondage sex.

Otherwise, well, I still say batman because i think superman would be too... afraid to harm a human. *g*

*throws in her 2 cents*

[summertea.livejournal.com]

If John -> Joe F. -> John where -> represents bleeding over, then he can't be THAT terrible in bed because seriously, 3 kids, all pretty close in age? LALALA.

Now is that poll going 'with someone they like' or a general thing? ;x

[monroe-nell.livejournal.com]

Okay, hm... *ponders*

Apparently I have a thing for accents *g* and intelligence. ANd a theory that lesser good looking guys are better in bed. Plus, ACCENTS.

*facepalm*

[out-there.livejournal.com]

*is right there with you*

I shouldn't have been surprised by that reaction in myself as it's also a personality thing -- ie. who would *I* feel more comfortable with in bed, which would lead to me relaxing and having a generally better time -- but I sort of was.

[missizzy]

Well you know Stephen Maturin's pretty good in bed, and Jack Aubrey is not.

[juniper200.livejournal.com]

Stephen is deliberate and attentive, but Jack's boundless enthusiasm has to count for something. :)

[ngaio]

I don't know whether to be proud or scared that I had very logical reasons for all my score choices!

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Proud! The ability to determine probable sexual ability via logic is definitely a useful one.

Possibly you should put it on your resume, even.

I'm curious, though: what were your reasons?

[anoel.livejournal.com]

See, these are the polls I really don't mind taking. And definitely perfect for the holidays :)

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

*nods*

That is my thinking: holidays, and especially holiday eves, are for polls. It's when people need boxes to tick. And, maybe, to think thoughts about how Harry Potter is really not as good in bed as John Shepaprd.

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

I'm having a surprising amount of trouble deciding on an answer for these, but I'm really enjoying reading everybody's thoughts. I love you, fandom!

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

See, I ask the hard questions. And respondents, in turn, have to divest themselves of all shards of loyalty and character preference and vote from the heart.

This is a challenge, but we are able to meet it. And that is why I love fandom.

*thankful*

[eveningblue.livejournal.com]

At first I read your post and I scanned the polls and I thought, ah, none of my fandoms here. But then I looked more closely and saw House.

Still didn't take the poll, though, for this reason: Though I love House and totally see the slash (from, like, the very first episode), I don't read the fanfic and don't like to think about House and Wilson in bed. With each other or anyone else. Because mostly I am thinking, ick. Not hot, ick.

House would be a terrible lover because hello, does he even care a tiny bit about anyone but himself? (Okay, he might care about Stacy.) Let him stick to prostitutes and his right hand.

Wilson--even worse. The most needy man on television. Won't go out with you unless you have cancer or a major psychological disorder. Needs to be needed. I can only imagine how that would translate in bed. Wait, no I can't! And I don't want to!

I wish I didn't feel that way, but there it is.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I don't read the fanfic and don't like to think about House and Wilson in bed. With each other or anyone else. Because mostly I am thinking, ick. Not hot, ick.

That is - I don't know. Sad? I'm not sure. I read some of the FF myself, but I have never actually seen the show. (It's for the same reasons I have to tread carefully with the FF; it sort of steps on my psychological toes. ...Wow. That was a terrible metaphor.)

House would be a terrible lover because hello, does he even care a tiny bit about anyone but himself? (Okay, he might care about Stacy.) Let him stick to prostitutes and his right hand.

Wilson--even worse. The most needy man on television. Won't go out with you unless you have cancer or a major psychological disorder. Needs to be needed. I can only imagine how that would translate in bed. Wait, no I can't! And I don't want to!

Is it bad that I found this summary really, really funny? Because I did. (It also helped me understand why they're slashed, which is interesting, since that really wasn't your intent. But, come on: selfish/needy - it's an OTP of dysfunction!)

But, yeah, I can see how that might not work for you for the purposes of this poll. Although, hey, it sounds like you do already have a pretty clear idea of how House and Wilson would be in bed, even if you, um, really don't want to have it. So if the urge to tick circles overcomes you, at least you won't have to subject yourself to new scarring thoughts.

*tries to be comforting*

*fails signally*

*looks apologectic*

*offers you Brain Bleach (tm)*

[hannahrorlove.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if I should answer these, because I don't really want to have sex with a character - or real person, for that matter - so I'd be saying "Get away from me!" before anything got started.

If you'd like, I could answer the poll going from a more general perspective, keeping in mind things like kissing and cuddling.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Okay, first: I love your icon. Just had to say that.

And I hear you on the not wanting to have sex with a character (although I do, in fact, partake of the real person sex on a regular basis). And I totally encourage you to take the poll from a more abstract perspective. All opinions should be heard!

[commodorified.livejournal.com]

*ponders ray kowalski's standard deviation*

*or is that stud deviation?*

*it says STD deviation, actually, which just... ew.*

*ponders his non-standard deviations some more*

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. It will be months before I can look at stats without thinking "Ew. STD deviation. Condoms, people!" Thank you for that.

But, yeah, Kowalski's deviations, standard or otherwise - I am totally behind those.

Or rather, Fraser is.

[notpoetry.livejournal.com]

Hee, everyone else gave one word descriptions and I was like, "OH MAN SO OUR DATE WOULD BE LIKE THIIIIS AND THEN WE'D DO THIIIIS" and I'm sorry. *grin*

[malnpudl.livejournal.com]

I loved your responses! :-)

[murklins.livejournal.com]

Ahahaha! So the HP fandom, full of the most filthy sex you'll ever read, is populated by a cast of people who are mediocre in bed! *dies*

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Well. Teenagers. What are you gonna do?

I mean, yay for the gay HP porn, which I can totally buy, but - teenagers. I have my entire unfortunate adolescence reminding me that teenaged boys are not exactly joy in the sack.

And I think, looking at the answers, so do most of the respondents to this poll. *grins*

[tallulah71.livejournal.com]

I love a poll that actually encourages you to talk about having sex with tv characters. It alleviates some of the shame. ;)

Happydaybeforethanksgiving!

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

*beams* My poll heals. I am very proud.

But, really, why have shame for talking about having sex with TV characters? This is in no way a bad thing!

And a happy Thanksgiving Eve to you!

[shusu.livejournal.com]

Aha, I knew I wasn't imagining this. thamiris did a, uhm, qualitative study some time ago of our slashéd boys' sexual prowess (http://thamiris.livejournal.com/179861.html).

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. That link is awesome beyond any level of awesome I thought the universe could safely contain. Should we call Area 51 before it, you know, destroys all of space and time?

[chinawolf.livejournal.com]

Oh, this cracks me up beyond all reason. It's quite surprising how I can easily think that Snape and Harry would have fantastic sex with each other, but throw them in with a generic muggle girl and it all turns out very differently. It also amuses me that even when it comes to one of them having sex with ME, I can't seem to get around the whole Rodney-belongs-with-Sheppard-and-only-him thing and have to take off at least a point for that.

Of course I am not surprised that Vala leads by a mile. :)) It'd be interesting to see what people think about Captain Jack.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

It's quite surprising how I can easily think that Snape and Harry would have fantastic sex with each other, but throw them in with a generic muggle girl and it all turns out very differently.

That's what I like about it, yup. *beams*

It also amuses me that even when it comes to one of them having sex with ME, I can't seem to get around the whole Rodney-belongs-with-Sheppard-and-only-him thing and have to take off at least a point for that.

*nods* This poll was particularly hard for the OTPish among us, and god knows I'm in that camp. I definitely found myself evaluating my OTPs more harshly than others, just because - YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING EACH OTHER, NOT ME. OR ANYONE ELSE.

It'd be interesting to see what people think about Captain Jack.

Well, hell. Now I want to do a poll asking: Who is the best in bed of ANY character, ever?

*thoughtful*

God, I don't even know how I would answer that. Perhaps preliminary research is indicated.

[wychwood]

I was assuming in all cases that we're talking about people sleeping with someone they aren't in love with, because that would make a big difference. Like, sure, attracted to, of course, but not in love.

Apparently I can't imagine what Elizabeth would be like. I think I've just seen her written convincingly in too many different ways to really have a single answer. Also, for the record, I wouldn't sleep with Carson even if Aliens Made Us Do It *g*.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I was assuming in all cases that we're talking about people sleeping with someone they aren't in love with, because that would make a big difference. Like, sure, attracted to, of course, but not in love.

*nods*

Yes. I didn't even think to state that, but I should have.

Apparently I can't imagine what Elizabeth would be like.

I went with my (v. limited) canon knowledge, and tried to go based on that. Because the thing is - Elizabeth isn't an especially developed character, so you can take her lots of convincing places in FF, and I'm happy to go to most of them. So, yeah, going based on FF would be really hard.

Also, for the record, I wouldn't sleep with Carson even if Aliens Made Us Do It *g*.

I guess if the aliens had, like, the earth on a string or were holding my dog hostage or something. But otherwise, I hear you. I'm wildly skeeved by poor medical ethics (I know, I know, totally hobbyhorse, but it is my own true hobbyhorse and I cannot get off it).

Plus, he reminds me of WAY too many guys I slept with before I learned to say "no."

[brownbetty]

Awesome! I apparently completely disagree with everyone in Supernatural!

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Well, take comfort in knowing you're almost certainly right; right is who you are.

*off to check your opinion now, to determine what all right-thinking people believe*

[http://users.livejournal.com/_minxy_/]

I love this poll! And obviously, I am not good at short, one word descriptors.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Then I love you greatly, for I have total love for the wordy. (For, um. Obvious reasons. We are sisters in verbosity.) This is why I made my text boxes so big. And, hey - turns out lengthy descriptions are fun.

[musesfool.livejournal.com]

I'm somewhat alarmed that I think Sam Winchester is a sekrit sex god. How did that happen? I am not even that attracted to him. But he's just so willing to learn, and you know his girlfriend trained him well.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

It is amazing the secret knowledge that is revealed when we start consider them having sex in the real world (ish) instead of in fan fiction. So. Sam Winchester is a sex god, hmmm?

*makes note of it*

[maygra.livejournal.com]

First: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Second: I have to disqualify myself on the grounds of your qualifying because quite honestly, my imagination is not good enough to a) consider myself a viable Object of attraction for any of the SPN menfolk because...uhm, they are all very young. Yes, even PAPA WINCHESTER makes me feel unreasonably old.

also, ew, squicky geechy. Apparently my imagination has some serious limits regarding this.

so, I can only think of them in terms of character or how I write them. Which quite honestly (again) tends to be a function of my psyche rather than any empirical or canonically founded assumptions, i.e. all my pairings tend to fall into certain patterns in regards to their sexual appeal and performance -- you know, tender but enthusiastic, and/or pushy and adventurous or some mix of those.

ergo, Sam would be tender but adventurous and Dean would be pushy and enthusiastic (or in comparison Brian was pushy but tender and Dom was somewhat pushy and enthusiastic and occasionally demanding.)

uhm, and the sex is always fantastic except, you know, when it isn't *g*

[miriam-heddy.livejournal.com]

The hardest thing about this is realizing that I'm such a m/m slasher that I can't really think like this anymore, in a non-voyeuristic way, except about the women.

[modillian.livejournal.com]

The answers to the polls are making me LOL all over the place. I am so pimping you out on my journal.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I was trying to think why it might be that I was ranking most of my favorite slash objects so very low on their sex skills.

Finally I realized that what makes a character sexy to me in a slashy way is if he's a great yawning pit of loneliness. Whereas, needless to say, this is not one of the things I'd be looking for in an actual lover. So I want to write Snape, Sheppard, etc., while I mainly want to go to bed with nice relatively normal people like Lupin and Teyla*.

The only person I both love to slash and would expect to enjoy sleeping with is Benton Fraser. This, though, is because when I imagine sex with Fraser, I imagine him emotionally available, even though in real life I'm afraid that's unlikely,

* It tells you something about slash that I can refer to a werewolf and an alien as "relatively normal people."

[lorem_ipsum]

My whole answer to the "what's RayK like in bed" question:

Intense. Possibly intensely off-target sometimes (in the neighborhood of 5), but in a really cute and dorky way. When he's on the right track, he'll send me flying (10). I give him an 8 on average. Also, communicating about sex is a weak point for him (what do you mean communicate? who needs to communicate? it's sex. --he'll say), but he is unselfish, in that he doesn't want to go to sleep until I've gotten off, and he really is willing to try anything... more than once... even if he didn't think it was that thrilling the first time.