Keep Hoping Machine Running

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have an unusual problem and am not sure how (or if) it can be resolved. My husband and I have a 1.5-year-old daughter, “Erin.” My mother has hypersensitive hearing. When I was a kid, I had to keep the TV on so low I needed to sit within 3 feet of it to hear it, and my sister and I had to talk to her in a lower volume than our normal speaking voices. (My parents ended up divorcing when I was 10 because, according to my mother, my dad talked too loudly.) The problem has only worsened as my mother has gotten older. Sounds produced by normal activities bother her, from a microwave beeping to people using utensils while eating to something being cut on a cutting board—even a Ziploc bag being opened within several feet of her.

Recently, my mother was over for a visit and had Erin on her lap. Erin let out a squeal after dropping one of her toys. My mother immediately got up, handed Erin to me, and left our house. This is not the first time this sort of thing has happened—she barely came around after Erin was first born because she couldn’t stand the sound of her crying. Later, I received a text from her saying that in order to continue coming over, she needed assurances that Erin wouldn’t do anything else to hurt her ears. I explained that this just wasn’t something I could guarantee or have any control over at this point; babies do sometimes get loud, and Erin is too young to understand the need to protect Grandma’s ears. When I suggested that my mother try some earplugs to reduce the impact of not only any loud noises Erin might make but also any ambient noise in general, she became angry and said she wouldn’t be back until I found a “realistic” solution.

My husband says that my solution is a reasonable one—he’s fed up, and it’s fine with him if my mother wants to stay away. While I want my daughter to have a relationship with her grandmother, I can’t always predict when Erin might do something loud, let alone do anything to prevent it. And I don’t want my mother tearing into her in the future for doing normal kid things, like she did to me and my sister. Erin also isn’t going to be our only child—I’m currently four months pregnant—so it won’t be getting any quieter around here. And like my husband, I’m exhausted with constantly playing a guessing game about which everyday action might hurt my mother’s ears. She expects us to just know, then becomes angry when we do something no normal person would think of as problematic. Last week, she got angry at me for biting into a carrot while I was almost 10 feet away from her.

Over the years, she has shot down suggestions from me and other family members to go to a doctor and see whether anything might remedy this. Is it reasonable to ask her to take some sort of proactive measure (such as wearing earplugs) so others can lead normal lives in her presence, rather than expecting the world—and my 1-year-old—to adapt to her?

—Toddlers Don’t Have a Mute Button

Dear Mute Button,

I’m sympathetic to your mother’s ear condition, which appears to be acutely distressing and would be challenging for anyone to deal with. And when there is something we can actually do to accommodate someone else’s medical issue or need—even if it causes us a little inconvenience or isn’t something we would otherwise do—we should at least make the effort. (It’s a very different thing and not so severe, but one of my kids was often overwhelmed by loud noises when she was little, and I always appreciated it when family members took care to laugh and talk a bit more quietly in her presence.)

But of course you’re right that Erin is too young to take your mother’s hypersensitive hearing into account, and you can’t and don’t want to discourage all her typical toddler sounds (which are essential to her learning, her development, and her ability to communicate with those around her). Given that Erin also has needs that are important, and has behaviors she can’t realistically control at her age, perhaps your mother could think of wearing earplugs or noise-canceling headphones as an accommodation she makes for her very young, occasionally noisy grandchild—one that is actually possible, unlike your keeping a toddler silent for the duration of her visit. When she’s older, Erin may be able to do more to take her grandmother’s condition into account. But right now, your mother is the one who has more capacity to alter her behavior, and while it sounds as if she’s been fairly intransigent on addressing her condition over the years (which I hear is exasperating for you!), there’s no time like the present, and more time with grandkids should be a great motivator.

So, yes, I think your suggestion was a reasonable one, as was the idea of consulting a physician. (If your mother has truly never done so, this may be as much an emotional issue as a physical one.) And again, while I’m sympathetic to your mother’s situation, I don’t think it makes sense for her to take every noise personally or punish others for being unable to be silent at all times—there is simply no way for you to anticipate or prevent every noise that could possibly bother her. When emotions calm down a bit, I hope the two of you are able to discuss what’s challenging as well as what’s realistic and find a way for her to spend time with her grandchild(ren) without experiencing so much discomfort or demanding the impossible.