Rant: Enough Is Enough; or, Signs I've Read Too Much Fan Fiction

[thefourthvine]

In other words: I've lost it, and it's time for another bitter, mean-spirited, entirely unnecessary rant. If you're still in the dewy-eyed phase of FF love - in other words, if you see nothing wrong with "Harry eagerly mouthed Snape's huge, aching, weeping cock, laving it with his tongue and nibbling it until Snape screamed with his gushing release" - don't look behind the cut.



Let's start with the three that commenters reminded me of after the last rant*.

• Ghost. Very evocative, no doubt, of a sort of gentle, shivery, not-quite touch. But you can have too much of ghosting in a sex scene; we've reached a point where in some cases it seems to be not so much, say, Kowalski/Fraser as Kowalski/Fraser/Unusually Frisky Legions of the Undead.
  
  
• Card. Again, a term that describes a certain behavior clearly, and we could all use clearer descriptions when it comes to FF. But, really, this one only works if one of the partners has long hair. Even then there should probably be a two-card limit in any given story. And please, folks, let us have no more carding of chest hair. This is only appropriate if one of the partners is a sheep. And no one should take that as an invitation to write sheepslash.
  
  
• Shell of an ear. Unless your character has seashells attached to his head (and if he does, I love you), this phrase has extremely dubious utility. For one thing, it makes me mutter, "Your ears are like petals, Grace! Veritable petals!" And that kind of thing is really difficult to explain. For another, it has been done somewhere beyond being done to death. And, finally, the kicker: it isn't even that descriptive. Seriously. Go to a mirror. Look at your ear. Does it not look far more like a dried apricot or a prune than a shell? It does. So you should not use "he licked his shell of an ear" until you have used "he licked his prune of an ear" at least twice.

And now for the all-new ones, i.e., clear indications that I should be getting out more than I do. Or maybe meditating or something.

• Sensitized. I happily read past this the first 3,000 times I saw it. The next 3,000, which seemed to pass in a matter of days, had me wincing slightly. I have now reached the point where I am so sensitized to "sensitized" that every time I see it I snap, "What, sensitive isn't good enough for you? Maybe you should try being sensitish or sensitic! Maybe you're suffering from sensitism! Maybe you're just too damn sensitiful and sensity and sensitianesque!"
  
  
• Needful. Is there some Guide to Writing Good Hot Sex somewhere that says that "needful" is a sexy word and "needy" and "necessary" are not? Because even if there is, know that there's a lifetime limit on this word. And if you've written more than four thousand words of FF, you're probably over the limit already. Time to see what "needy" or "necessary" can do for you.
  
  
• Fisting. Do I need to explain why this is a problem word? I do? OK. See, yes, this is a very evocative term to describe clenching, for example, the sheets, usually from sheer sexual ecstasy (but sometimes because your cock is sensitized, or because you're feeling needful). But it also describes a sex act, and, see...OK. I should not have to tell you about that sex act. If you're writing NC-17 FF, you should already know about it. So let me just say: it's a good word. In moderation. But maybe you want to think twice about it in certain contexts, and that goes triple if you're using it in the phrase "fisting his cock," which makes me recoil in horror every time I read it.
  
  
• Flashing. This should be used exclusively to describe the activity involving a trenchcoat and a lack of underpants. The only appropriate use of the phrase "flashing eyes" is when one is describing Scott Summers without his glasses on. Also, tiny hint for you: if your original character has flashing eyes, you might want to ask someone for an unbiased opinion about whether she's a Mary Sue. Because the chance is there. More than there. I'm sorry, but it's better you know, right?
  
  
• People are allowed to say things. Hell, I encourage it. In America, it's a right, written into the Constitution and everything. So no need to be shy about having your characters do it. Yes, "said" substitutes are occasionally nice, but if your characters routinely utter, wail, articulate, orate, hiss, declaim, or allow words to escape their lips, they're being drama queens. Annoying drama queens, if that isn't redundant. Someone needs to give them a good hearty smacking, and I would like to be the first to volunteer.
  
  
• Random word mutations. "Never mind" is not one word. No, it isn't. No. It isn't. Neither is "all right." Neither is "shut up." Neither is "how come." This is not German, people. This is English, and we do not just randomly combine any damn words we feel like combining. We really don't. So stop writing as though we do.
  
  
• Pleasure nubbins. Can we just say nipples? I can. Can we therefore skip nubs and buds and - please god no no no - nips? I definitely can, and I encourage you to give it a try.
  
  
• Cunny, peach, box, yoni, ya-ya, and bunny. (Special thanks to makesmewannadie for bringing up this one.) If you can't bring yourself to write "cunt," for god's sake don't think these words will let you off the hook. They will only put you on another hook - the one on which we hang people who use terrible, terrible synonyms for female genitals. It may be het, but that does not give you a free pass to write your sex scenes in language five-year-olds have given up as childish.
  
  
• Towering, proud, generous, rampant, and jutting. Cocks do not tower, at least not in my world, and I am sincerely grateful for that. And while their owners may in fact be proud of them, cocks themselves typically do not have such high self-esteem. And, again, while their owners may be generous, cocks aren't usually all that philanthropic. (Yes, yes, I know the ones we read about do love men. It isn't the same thing at all. Trust me.) Rampant sounds like what a male bovine does on a hot day; cocks should not be rampant unless they are on a coat of arms (and if you've ever written about, say, Aragorn's coat of arms featuring nine cocks rampant, or whatever, know that I love you). And jutting is what piers do, for god's sake. Please, either find new adjectives or explore the world of adjective-free cocks. I'm begging.
  
  
• Special note for Sentinel writers. "Hippie" is what Blair is. "Hippy" is what the women Blair dates (or, in your stories, probably doesn't date) are. When you say Blair is a hippy witchdoctor, what you're actually saying is that he's a curvaceous practitioner of traditional medicine. Which he isn't. Unless of course you want him to be - your story. But you should know what you're saying about the boy. (And please don't tell me the dictionary lists "hippy" as an alternate spelling for "hippie." I know that. It does that because people misuse the word so much. But when there's a choice between two spellings, and one spelling leads to confusion and one doesn't, do you know which one you should choose? That's right! The not-confusing one! We have enough trouble with pronouns in fan fiction without deliberately causing further confusion, y'know?)
  
  
• Special note to Due South writers. "Mountie" is a noun. You can use it as an adjective, yes, but only with great caution. And be aware that phrases like "Mountie cock" and "Mountie ass" (especially if "hot, sweet" precedes "Mountie") can derail a sex scene like nothing else on this planet; yes, they can also work just fine, but if you're in any kind of doubt at all, you probably should just skip the whole Mountie thing. And while we're on the topic? I don't know what the hell a Mounty is, but he isn't a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. And please don't ever, ever, write a sentence thus: "The Mountie panted as he mounted Ray." Because those kinds of things can strike a person blind and insane.

Yes, I realize you're all thinking I need some kind of sedative, but these things needed to be said. They really did. Or, well, I needed to say them.

-Footnote-

* Got one I didn't mention? I want to hear it. I encourage you to be as pedantic and difficult as possible; it will make me feel better about this rant, for one thing.

Comments

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

'Clever' fingers. (http://www.livejournal.com/users/isiscolo/170704.html)

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Oh, definitely. I think we must class the clever fingers with the talented tongues and the loving assholes and the proud cocks: it's the fan fiction freaks of nature! Because, hey, if your cock has high self-esteem and your fingers can calculate square roots faster than a calculator, surely your elbows have a detailed knowledge of European history. And your left nipple can probably turn lead to gold.

Less of that. Way less of that, and I will be a much happier person. Also much less prone to ranting. Down with clever fingers! (Um. Didn't mean that quite the way it sounded.)

[estrella30.livejournal.com]

And please don't ever, ever, write a sentence thus: "The Mountie panted as he mounted Ray." Because those kinds of things can strike a person blind and insane.

Amen, sistah.

LOVE this post. You're WONDERFUL!!

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

*basks in praise*

(Um. That icon. Is that RayK on the left, with the - um - hand? And what the heck are they talking about? Every conversation I can think of that calls for a gesture like that involves something you can't say on TV.)

[xmirax.livejournal.com]

Hee. *loves you*

One of my bad!slash favorites is homonym confusion. There's nothing quite like reading "X wrapped his arms around Y's waste" instead of "X wrapped his arms around Y's waist". Nothing quite like it at all.:P

Oh, and cocks that leak or drip or weep to the point where you're wondering if there's a medical problem that's gone unmentioned.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

My long-lost mystery relative, makesmewannadie, has a list (http://www.livejournal.com/users/makesmewannadie/20891.html) of those words. It is well worth reading, and memorizing if necessary, because you're right: when a character wraps his arms around another one's waste, all potential for sexiness leaves and never comes back.

I'm also extremely, extremely tired of you're/your, they're/there/their, and it's/its confusion. There must be some way to solve this problem, and I'd like to volunteer to implement it, because if it isn't fixed soon I will die. (It's a little-known fact, but bad grammar, spelling, and usage can actually kill people. Save the children: spell check today!)

[kyuuketsukirui.livejournal.com]

Here via metablog

Agree on almost all of these, although to be fair, proud does have the following meaning: Majestic; magnificent: proud alpine peaks (courtesy of dictionary.com (http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=proud)). And I think that's the way people are using it in fic.

Words like ghosted and carded are good words, IMO. They may be overused by some, but that's no reason to throw them out the window altogether, as I've seen people here in the comments vowing to do. I've written reams and reams of fic and used ghosted maybe five times tops (not sure if I've ever used carded as it's been quite a while since I've written anyone with long hair).

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Majestic doesn't really do it for me, either. A majestic cock just, just - um. Is somehow even worse than a proud one, actually. Because when I think majestic, I think of purple mountains above the fruited plain, and while "America the Beautiful" is many things, it is not sexy. Not at all.

I do agree on ghosted and, if there's long hair (on the head) involved, even carded. These are useful words. The problem is that when someone thinks of a genuinely good descriptive term and uses it in a sex scene, 8 million FF writers read it, borrow it, and use it fifteen times apiece. The poor term goes from "descriptive" to "cliched and gagsome" in roughly 4 days. And that's in the smaller fandoms.

So I'm not saying toss these out. (Well, with some of 'em I am, totally. There's no reason ever to be using "bunny" in a sexual situation, as far as I'm concerned.) I really don't want to see all these words gone, because then we'd just overuse others. I just sort of...want people to expand their sex vocabularies a bit. You know. It pays to increase your word power and all that.

A bone to pick

[colleen-m.livejournal.com]

The one that repeatedly trips me up is the "boneless" body that seems to litter half of all NC-17 fic, describing that weak-in-the-knees feeling during sex, or the relaxed posture that follows orgasm.

Coming from a fandom that never refers to a de-boned human body, I thought it rather inventive the first time I saw it in a BtVS fic. The second and third times made me pause and picture low-fat chicken parts that were skinless, too. And the 2000 times I've seen it since have been merely jarring.

Re: A bone to pick

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

What fandom doesn't feature bonelessness? I am eager to learn more of this magical, mystical fandom. Because, yes, "boneless" is approximately as over-used as, for example, "needful."

(And "boneless" is especially dangerous in a fandom like BtVS, where people actually could be deboned in a literal sense. I mean, there's bound to be a spell or a demon or something that can do that.)

[fireborn.livejournal.com]

Reading this rant and the delightful threads (I came here on a search for small fandoms; go figure) it suddenly occurred to me that some of the more alarming cock-adjectives, particularly the ones that evoke landscape elements, could be applied just find to Ursula Vernon's Valley of the Wang (http://www.metalandmagic.com/Pages/Galleries/Oddities/wangvalley.html).

And I decided to comment and say this because I love plugging Ursula.

On the other hand, I think the expression on the lizard's face sums up the real reaction to anyone would have to a "majestic, towering, rock-hard shaft".

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I am in love with Ursula Vernon's "Valley of the Wang," and especially the lizard in it. And especially, especially the lizard's expression. I'm heartbroken that people have icon-requested her to death, because that lizard so perfectly sums up how I sometimes feel (and definitely how I'd feel if faced with a majestic, towering, rock-hard shaft) that I'd love an icon of him.

Thank you for sending me there. I may actually have to buy a print. Hmmm. I wonder if she'd let me iconify if I bought a print at the same time.

(And I actually do have small fandom recs, just, you know, not in this particular post. Also, I went to sadlittlelook.com, and that is such a cool idea. Is there a place to see what fandoms are on the list for archiving there?)

[musesfool.livejournal.com]

While I don't disagree on this set of words that ought never be used (though I do believe I once made friend have Anya refer to Xander's 'thrusting manrocket o'love' as a joke), I tend to find these lists make me self-conscious as a writer (http://www.livejournal.com/users/musesfool/568046.html), which is of the bad.

Though if I could ban anyone, anywhere, from having a Remus Lupin pov in which he refers to himself as "the werewolf" (or even worse, "the honey-headed werewolf") I would.

Obviously, one should be aware of word choice, but not to the point where it paralyzes. Sex scenes are hard enough to write to begin with.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

First, let me make this clear: I do not, now or ever, want to be linked to Remus PoV stories in which he refers to himself as any variety of werewolf, from honey-headed to jackal-headed to block-headed to plain. Some things just hurt too much.

But, actually, that's my point. I'd read stories containing any of those descriptions if certain authors wrote them, and I'd read any stories containing certain of those descriptions, because I'd actually sort of like a scene in which teenage Remus smacks his own forehead and calls himself a block-headed werewolf.

And that's my point. If I have a nefarious purpose at all for these posts, it's to make other people as conscious of these words as I am. I think most of them can be used and used well by good writers; the problem comes about when writers get dependent on them and stop using any other word.

But this wasn't intended for good writers to read. Especially not ones who aren't all that good at ignoring the carping, whining voices of critics (for example, my voice). I don't want to change your writing; I want to whine and, maybe, make people laugh. So please, please don't read cut-tagged posts (I cut tag everything that I consider critical or overlong) if what I say might influence your writing. Because I like you the way you are, and I like your vocabulary, too.

[buhfly.livejournal.com]

*dies* I love you.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

*revives* Thanks!

[hjcallipygian.livejournal.com]

Hey there. I just wanted to let you know that I like both your rants and your fic recomendations, so I friended you. I don't have any diction rants (yet -- and beyond the usual homophones that get confused), just a general dislike of cardboard characters. But I'm still pretty new. =)

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure, frankly, that acquiring peeves of such astonishing pettiness and alarming intensity as mine own is something anyone should be looking forward to. But, hey, if you read FF, you'll be getting them whether you want them or not, so you might as well be eager.

And welcome. I'm happy to be friended! It takes me a while to get around to friending people back, because I tend to choose posting over LJ maintenance (hence, for example, my exceedingly dull layout and scheme), but I do get there eventually.

(Love that icon, btw. Who is it?)

[timian.livejournal.com]

Pleasure nubbins.

I would like to submit the term "man tit(s)." Or possibly merely "tits," when used in conjunction with a man. Unless one is writing hermaphrodite sex¹, tit really isn't a word I want to see associated with the male chest. Maybe it's just me, but I find that creepy.


_{¹ And more power to those who do.}

[timian.livejournal.com]

And I thought of another one. Kissed/fucked/entered "like an invading army." Dude. An invading army? What, does Jim carry a dose of napalm in his cheeks? Did Blair make a point to blow up bridges and power stations before he put on the condom? The mind boggles.

[nematoddity.livejournal.com]

Two things. (Well, three, actually: the first is always who sent me, in this case, valentinemichel.)

First, I remember distantly reading a novel--I think it's actually somewhere in Psion by Joan D. Vinge--where the 'jut of his hips' was mentioned, and it worked quite well. I wouldn't agree with jutting cocks either, but jutting other things, on occasion, do just fine.

Second, may I grab this link and post it on my journal? Because I definitely think you've got some great points, and are not ranting without cause, and this rant is general enough to apply to any fandom, not just Harry Potter or Sentinel.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I agree other things can jut - piers, obviously, but also hips and jaws and so on. I just don't think cocks should. I also don't think they should jab, come to think of it; boxing terminology is another thing I don't want to see applied to cocks.

Second, may I grab this link and post it on my journal?

Oh, please do. (And it's definitely not directed just at TS or HP or dS or any of my other beloved fandoms; it's a fan fiction thing. Also my own private insanity, but the less said about that the better.)

And thank you, thank you, thank you for telling me how you got here. Of course, this sort of raises the question of how valentinemichael got here, but on LJ some mysteries will always remain unexplained.

[fanofall.livejournal.com]

I love you OH SO VERY MUCH.

But you knew that.

GRAMMAR BITCH RIDES, AGAIN!!!!

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Note many uses of excellent icons appropriate to Grammar Bitchiness throughout these comments. Although I suppose what we really need is an image of a whip with the label "Grammar Bitch" if I'm going to be doing much more of this.

Or, you know, I'm sort of loving the phrase "Grammar Bitch rides again." That has the sound...the sound of a title. Hmmmm.

*intense thought*

I love you...

[nyghtshayde.livejournal.com]

...and I'm soooooooooo glad to know that I'm not the only one with "word issues" when it comes to erotica of any type. *sighs in contentment*

As for word dislikes? Got a few hours? Seriously, I thought about writing a book for erotica writers that was a basic "How Not To Write Erotica." Complete with a list of No-No Words/Phrases.

Like "throbbing member" or "he slid his finger into her and it reminded him of a mossy grotto."

WTF????? Mossy-fucking-grotto???? GAH! Ewwww! Can you say diseased or something? And I'm pulling the latter from Diana Paxon's White Raven. I'm not sure where...but it's in there. It's disturbing. Friends showed me that passage before I ever read the whole book and it's put me off reading it from page one since. BAH!

Love juice. Love juice shouldn't be used. Pussy lips. I think that one is almost redundant. Manhood and womanhood always get my veto. I have a whole list written down somewhere. I'll have to find it and send it to you. There was a long list. I researched. Granted, a lot of the words/phrases were pulled from Victorian erotica...but there are people today using that terminology.

Oh and for misspelling words? Here's one a friend of mine pulled that has given us giggles ever since:

"He put his arm around her waste as they walked out of the room."

I had to explain to him that that was a fetish and did he really want to put that in his story? *giggles*

Re: I love you...

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I would love to see the list. I mean, even if it is culled from Victorian erotica, I'm fairly sure that modern writers are at least as, um, creative. ("Creative" here means "completely insane," of course.) And the non-Victorian ones would - well, actually, they'd probably strike me blind. But I still want to see it.

The mossy grotto is almost as bad as "molten womanly core" and "the lush thicket of his manroot," and muses_fool was kidding when she came up with those. (Though I continue to insist that the former would work very well in a Gaea/Uranus story.)

"Pussy lips" is revolting. I cannot say more, because I cannot stand to continue to think on the topic.

And you'll be glad to know that you aren't the only one with waste/waist experiences, although at least you took one for the team and corrected your friend. I'd also like to mention phase/faze at this point; I've seen "phase" misused more often than used correctly, and that's in professional, published, presumably edited fiction.

We live in dark times.

[spikess.livejournal.com]

"What, sensitive isn't good enough for you? Maybe you should try being sensitish or sensitic! Maybe you're suffering from sensitism! Maybe you're just too damn sensitiful and sensity and sensitianesque!"

*cracks the fuck up laughing* That was awesome. Made my day reading this. I'll admit to using 'shell of an ear' and trying to stay away from 'said', but from now on I will endevor to correct my actions. ^_^

[robling-t.livejournal.com]

The only appropriate use of the phrase "flashing eyes" is when one is describing Scott Summers without his glasses on.

Too much Coleridge (http://search.able2know.com/About/3008.html), probably. ;)

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

(Here courtesy of daegaer)

Laved. "He laved Snape's chest with his tongue."

Makes me think of doing the washing up. Certainly needs Fairy Liquid, and a certain amount of scrubbing to remove those stubborn stains. Most definitely not something I'd want anyone doing to my chest, thatnk you very much.

[cicer.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Thank you so much. I love this. Although the phase "pleasure nubbins" caused me to spray Oreo crumbs all over my monitor. *sighs and digs around for the Windex* Not again....

Your stunning talent.....

[(Anonymous)]

.....for ranting and sarcasm is wonderful! I wandered over here from daily_snitch and read all of your Rants and your instructions to flamers. You had me crying I was laughing so hard. Most everything you said I totally agree with. (The most is only because I agree with the multitude of comenters who think bruises and scrapes can be sexy.) Some of them like the 'Due South mountie' I have never come across (I haven't read any Due South ff) but everything on BtVS, HP, Sentinel, X-Men, etc. I can so totally get on board with. My next task is to go through your recs and explore some different fandoms. *g*

Rose
slytherinrose81@yahoo.com

[zarah5.livejournal.com]

This is not German, people. This is English, and we do not just randomly combine any damn words we feel like combining.

Ah, but honestly, this is pretty much what I love most about the German language, so don't belittle it! Mississippischifffahrtsgesellschaft is a monster of a word you simply have to respect. Albeit grudgingly.

That aside, thank you. I've read quite a few rants on bad fiction and why bad fiction is not good fiction (and written some myself), but few were as eloquent and funny as yours.

(Personally, I also have a problem with rock-hard cocks. Just. Ouch.)

[imkalena.livejournal.com]

we've reached a point where in some cases it seems to be not so much, say, Kowalski/Fraser as Kowalski/Fraser/Unusually Frisky Legions of the Undead

Yes, thank you rampantly! :)

[lunachouette.livejournal.com]

All of this. ALL of it.

Sexting is NEVER hot. Especially when done in an exam, an important meeting, really in class at all. If a straight best friend finds out his gay best friend is sexting on the desk next to him, in the middle of the french final, he does not laugh and tell him to 'get some'. Why are they sexting in the middle of a french final anyway? Why do they have their phones in a french final?