Slashy Nominations 54: We Interrupt These Raptures

The joys of coitus interruptus are many. Totally unrecommended as birth control, mind you - anyone who has ever had sex with a male between 14 and 19 years of age will be able to explain why, should you be curious - but it does make for some, shall we say, amusing fan fiction.

Best FF That Shows Us Why We Should Take Care to Check Our Environs for Individuals with Enhanced Senses of Smell Prior to Any Impromptu Semi-Public Sexual Activity: Chemistry and the Things We Shouldn't Do, by Zahra, aka hackthis. X-Men movies, Bobby Drake (Iceman)/St. John Allerdyce (Pyro). This story spawned this whole nominations theme, because when I read it I realized that it doesn't get much worse, in the coitus interruptus sweepstakes, for said interruption to come from someone with claws and a sense of humor who will live forever. Seriously, Bobby and St. John (and that is his name, dammit, I don't care what the movies think) will be dead of extreme old age and Wolverine will be hanging out over their coffins telling this story to their great-grandkids. Who, I am sure, will find it a highly educational experience.

Best FF That Shows Us Why It Sucks to Be a Superhero, and I Don't Mean the Good Kind of Suck, Either: Interruptus, by silentfire. Justice League (I think), Clark/Lex. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I actually have my own personal set o' superheroes. Except they aren't so much superheroes as people beset by superpowers; I've always been more interested in the down sides of superheroism - the Rogues rather than the Wolverines, to put it another way. But this is one down side that even I totally failed to appreciate. I mean, we've all had unfortunate interruptions at some point in our lives. (My life, in fact, can be charted out in stages by the kind of interruption most likely to happen, starting with the parental phone call when I'm already late home, continuing through the drunken sobbing roommate, moving on to the professional emergency, and finishing, at least for now, with an uninvolved party throwing up.) But how many of us have ever had to choose between having sex and saving the world? Not me. (Good thing, really, because there were times in my younger and more hedonistic days when I might've made the wrong choice.) And, I hope, not you. So let us all take a moment to be grateful for those fictional individuals who make continued life on this planet possible, even though they have to wear dorky Spandex costumes and drop everything the minute disaster strikes.

Best FF Featuring the Phrase "Attack on Crack" That Doesn't Succumb to the Temptation to Make the Obvious Pun: Life Lived Like a Mentos Commercial, by Mallory Klohn, and does anyone have a current link for her? The Sentinel, Blair Sandburg/OMC, Blair Sandburg/Jim Ellison. I think we can all agree that being found in flagrante delicto by Wolverine is about as bad as it can get, but Jim Ellison has got to be in the top thousand Worst Interrupters, anyway. And I think we can also agree that if you're having sex with someone who is wearing a Safety Dog costume, being caught by anyone is a bad idea. Unless, I suppose, you're an out-and-proud furry, in which case, go you! I, myself, would be forced to enter the Humiliated Persons Protection Program, seeking a new life under the name "Wanka Slasherson" in Abilene, Texas. (Side note: I'd be grateful if someone could explain to me why this is life lived like a Mentos commercial. Isn't this story based on the movie Groundhog Day? What do lame little candies have to do with this story? Or, for that matter, anything?)

Best FF Featuring a Phrase That Will Haunt Me Forever and Likely Prevent Me from Realizing My Full Potential: Five Things That Never Happened to Ray and Ray, by cesperanza. Due South, Ray Vecchio/Ray Kowalski. This, my friends, is classic naive Fraser; I am particularly fond of versions three and four, which somehow distill naivete to its very essence. The phrase referenced in the title is, for the record, "What are you, the asshole police?" It will live in my mind forever, rising to the surface during job interviews, eulogies, and conversations with my grandmother. (This is one of the many reasons you will never see me on live television; my brain is full of things like this, and in moments of stress, they are all I can think of to say. It's a disease or something.) And, yes, I am fully aware that there is a small but, shall we say, extremely vocal contingent that refuses to read Ray/Ray stories; for their benefit, I am once again including a Certified Safe Alternate due South story.

Or:

Best FF Featuring Several Excellent Potential Topics for Dissertations and Theses: The Bodyguard, by cesperanza. Due South, Ray Kowalski/Benton Fraser. I am particularly proud of this alternate, which not only fits the theme - in fact, there are two interruptions here! - but is also by the same author. Let it never be said I don't respect the strange quirks of my blog readers. Well, OK, really just the readers who know where I sleep. But still, I think it's very sensitive and thoughtful of me. This story has the disadvantage of having been recommended nearly everywhere. (Perhaps I should do a Slashy set consisting of authors whose every word you should read, including their high school papers on Romeo and Juliet and grocery lists written while stoned. It would save us all a lot of trouble.) But it has many advantages, including humor, hockey, fascinating alternative theological theories, and Fraser contemplating inflicting gross bodily harm on a helpless woman. (Well, relatively helpless, anyway. Or, actually not helpless at all. But still totally female.) And that's all just in the first page. Later on, there's jokes in several languages, and sex, and some surprisingly serious social commentary and - look, just read it.

Slashy Nominations 55: The First Time He Kissed Him

Well, the first time he kissed him and a heck of a lot else. (Sorry, Elizabeth, but if others can slash copyrighted works, I can certainly subvert your sweet little sonnet, mmm?¹) In other words, it's a first times set. And, yes, first time stories are perhaps 85% of all slash currently in existence. And, yes, many people now consider such stories cliched and undesirable. I do not care. I'm a slash traditionalist, and I like a good first time story. And that's what you'll find below.

Best FF That Features Incidental Proof That Sometimes True Love Means Shooting Your Loved One: Someone Who's Turning, by Jane St. Clair, aka 3jane. X-Force, Rictor/Shatterstar, and I can't offer you bios because the site I usually use is down, dammit. There's just something so boylike about this first time, which starts with a hand job and ends with the first kiss. (All together now: awww. Or am I the only one who finds this sweet? Yeah, probably.) But what I really love about this story is that it's all about patterning - how we learn to love. And considering Shatterstar learned everything he knows about love from TV, and Rictor learned from sources that manage to be even less reliable, it's sort of impressive that they manage so well here. Hormones never lead you astray. Well, in slash, anyway. At least in certain fandoms.

Best FF That Uses Handguns (and Fear of Handguns) to Help Ease the Tension Inherent in Switching Teams: The Awakening, by Beth, aka beth666ann. Homicide, Tim Bayliss/Chris Rawls. Yes, I have succumbed to the Homicide lure. But it's OK! It's a really small fandom! I'll be done with it before you know it! Just like, um, all the other tiny fandoms I've abandoned. (There aren't any, actually, but there could always be a first one.) This is the second story I read in this fandom, and it's the best I've read so far. You totally don't need to know the canon to read this - it's basically just the most protracted first time I've ever read in slash, and I don't in any way mean to impugn the quality of this story with that summary. This is good slashing, here. Plus, it's an excellent introduction, to the extent that I am any judge, to the strange creature that is Tim Bayliss. Read it! (I need company in my multi-fandom purgatory.)

Best FF in Which We Learn the Importance of Bat-style Utility Belts to the Course of True Lust: Night Watch, by weirdnessmagnet. Teen Titans, Tim/Kon. Only Tim Drake would, upon awakening his lust object with exceedingly lustful behavior, immediately think of the knockout gas he has handy in a belt pouch. (Of course Tim keeps his utility belt fully stocked and armed while he's seducing someone! Suppose it turns out to be the Evil Kon-X from the Dimension of Deranged Sleepers? Tim would need his belt then!) Even in the DCverse, most people aren't twisted in such an anal retentive way. This first time is vintage Tim, from the creepy obsessive stalkery behavior to the careful analysis of Kon's genealogy and genetics even as he's seducing him. And that's what I love about the DCU: unabashed use of the DSM IV for character inspiration.

Best FF That Teaches Us That True Love Is All About Lies, Lies, Lies²: Believe You Me, by cesperanza. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. I've succumbed, people. Rather than resist the lure of Speranza's stories, I'm just going to try to work one into every damned set until I run out. That'll solve the Speranza Problem, all right, and maybe then I'll be able to move on to recommend authors that everyone on the planet hasn't read. Seriously, my mother has probably read this one already. (Um, actually, I really, really hope and believe she has not. Because ew ew ew.) So, here we have lies and sex, and I've always loved this story because it perfectly captures the pathos of being Benton Fraser. I don't know why I didn't mention this one in the Due South Fandoms I Have Loved, because this is really the story you need to read to know why dS fans tend to be happy ending junkies. (These guys deserve the happy endings, that's why.)

-Footnotes-

¹ It is not my fault I do not love Elizabeth Barrett Browning as I should. I blame my ninth-grade English teacher, who I swear was in love with the woman. (God help me - it's a plot bunny for RPS time-travel femslash. I think that's ample proof we should all be incredibly grateful I don't actually write FF.)

² No, I do not have to mention weapons in every category title in this set. Though if I did, I would certainly point out that this story features a whole passel of law enforcement officers, all American and therefore all armed, and yet it's the only one that doesn't mention any weapons at all. We call this the due South mystique.