Keep Hoping Machine Running

Well. It's raining. And I know that now is when all of you who live in parts of the world where they have actual climactic variation fall over laughing, but the thing is, we here in Los Angeles are not accustomed to precipitation, or indeed weather of any kind. Our freeways aren't accustomed to it, and end up covered in mud and (this is true) squid. Our dogs aren't accustomed to it, and refuse to go out. Our ants aren't accustomed to it, and try to come in.

I'm kind of liking it, but only because a) I have some kind of disease that causes me to sleep fifteen hours a day and blink slowly most of the rest of the time, so the rain counts as high entertainment and b) I don't have to go out in it today. Tomorrow, I'll be on the freeway with the mud and the squid and the ants, and it won't be fun.

So. It's raining. I may or not have a fever, but I definitely don't have the energy to get the thermometer and find out. My dogs are staring miserably at the rain and then at me, wondering why I don't do something about all that water falling from the sky. Clearly the time has come for comfort fic, and what is more comfortable and familiar and sweet than a good first time story? Nothing, that's what.

Best FF That Introduces the Most Boring People in the Universe. Yes, More Boring Than Congresspeople, Economics Professors, and Golf Commentators Combined. Buoyancy, by keiko_kirin. Stargate SG-1, Jack O'Neill/Daniel Jackson. Keiko Kirin shows us the dullest civilization ever created by human beings here; they make an effective, if beige-colored, backdrop for Jack and Daniel and their explorations of gay bars, P4R-951, and, eventually, each other. Daniel proves he speaks the language of bar pickups as well as he speaks Goa'uld. Jack proves that he's still in touch with his inner adolescent. They both prove they love each other exactly as much as we all suspected (well, those of us who have never seen the canon, anyway.) For me, the second half is what makes the story - as I've pretty much proved by summarizing mostly the second half - but the whole thing is well worth reading. Keiko really showcases her skill at pacing, here; she sets a slow and deliberate pace and keeps it compelling. What she does - moving two plots at a chosen speed and paying attention to both of them - is not easy, and it's not something you see that often in fan fiction. Seriously, almost everything she's written since 2001 is worth reading as a lesson in pacing alone, and "Buoyancy" is no exception. Of course, you shouldn't let that distract you from the first-time sex. No, the first read should be all about the sex. And the Museum of Advances in Automated Accounting, which makes the semester I spent learning electrochemistry from the most monotonic man on the planet look fun.

Best FF in Which Danny and Casey Have a Close Encounter with the Antichrist, Which, Naturally, Causes Them to Have Sex. The First Move, by Sinead, aka smallbeer. Sports Night, Dan Rydell/OFC, Dan Rydell/Casey McCall. Anyone who is looking for instructions on how to make an original female character who is perfect in every way and yet not a Mary Sue should definitely read this. She's not only perfect; she's a deus ex machina, she's dating Danny, and her linen dresses don't wrinkle, but somehow she is not a Mary Sue. This is impressive, folks. Of course, you aren't expected to like her, either. Casey sure doesn't, although that's mostly because he's undergoing that course of unexpected discovery that ends with two previously heterosexual men having sex on the floor of their office. (Or, in other fandoms, in the supply cabinet, the Captain's quarters, the Fortress of Solitude, a prison cell, the Astronomy Tower, etc.) So fear not the OFC: she isn't as bad as you think, and she gets them together in the end. What more can we ask of our women?

Best FF That Provides a Measurable Increase in the Reader's Sense of Comfort and Peace Even Though It Refers to (Yurk) the Elder Kents Having (Yeeurgh) Intimate Relations. Cover Us With Song, by weirdnessmagnet. D.C. Universe (Teen Titans), Kon-El (Superboy)/Tim Drake (Robin III, and, um, maybe V? I don't know. I haven't been able to face anything Robin-related since the events of a certain unnamed universe-altering crossover event). There's something so agreeably retro about this story. I can't even tell you what, exactly; I mean, I'm fairly sure the 1950s weren't full of stories about teenaged superheroes having explicit gay sex on the lawn. And yet the retroness (Retrocity? Retroism?) is definitely there. And there's something weirdly innocent about this story, even though, yeah, that's a word we don't usually see going hand-in-hand with the aforementioned explicit gay sex. But it's just - farm boys, and picnics, and studying trig. It's so sweet and retro that, reading this, I keep expecting Kon to give Tim his class ring and Tim to give Kon his letter jacket. And then go out for malts. (I'm thinking Kon would get vanilla because that's honestly his favorite flavor, and Tim would get chocolate because studies show that that is the favorite flavor of 64% of normal high school boys; his actual favorite flavor is raspberry-lime, but only as Alfred makes it.) Definitely comfort reading. Yay for fannish comfort.

Best FF That I Will Definitely Cite As a Reason Not to Have Cable (Assuming the Discovery Channel Is Cable) the Next Time They Try to Sell It to Me. No, Really, I Will. If It's a Telemarketer, I Might Even Read Him the First Part. First, by Ardent, aka ardent_muses. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. What, you thought I'd do a set of comfort fics and not include a dS story? Clearly, you're thinking of some other idiosyncratic multi-fandom recommender, because when I think comfort, I think about Mounties and Chicago cops engaging in sodomy. And this story - well, it's sweet, but that's what comfort fic is all about, right? Not an angst particle in sight. There's mention of reticulated giraffes, though, and some speculation that I hope is libel about where Fraser gets his sex instruction. And there's a first line that will make my "Top Ten Reasons I Love DS" list, should I ever write it, because there just aren't many fandoms in which a story could reasonably begin after the candy cane factory explosion, and there are hardly any in which the characters could spend the first section covered in candy cane syrup without any explanation whatsoever. Only in dS do we just let that sort of thing go right on by. Because, let's face it, weirder things happen all the time in the canon - no, they do, and I'm not going to tell you to watch said canon again. Or, actually, I am, but I'm not going to go on and on about it. Instead, I will say that this story rates unusually high on the comfortmeter even in this very comforting fandom. And then I will wave cheerfully and go off to take yet another nap. G'night, all!

[Super Secret Bonus for dS Fans! Limited Time Only!]

The first installment of an estimated 11 million in the fine and fertile field of first-time fics. (No, the alliteration wasn't intentional. But I refuse to fix it.)

Best First Time That Takes More Than One Fic Just to Be Finished: Westering and its sequel Midwinter, by Gloria Mundi. Lord of the Rings, Aragorn/Boromir. Gloria shows us that J. R. R. isn't the only master of adjectives and description. Frankly, I like what she does with her talent better than what he did. (Yes, I know, that's a sacrilege and an admission of the evil in my soul, all that. The lynch mob will be forming just to the left of the flaming line.)

Best First Time That Induces Moral Decay in All Who Behold It: Only This, by Janette Le Fey. Real Person Slash, Rupert Brooke/Siegfried Sassoon. I came into fan fiction with very few limits as far as content went. One of them was no RPS – not because I think it's wrong or evil or what have you. I was just slightly skeeved out about reading stories featuring real people's names on fictional creations. I was proud of that limit. It showed that I had some small non-perverted corner of my soul. And then I discovered historical slash, featuring poets whose work I love, and, whoops, another taboo bit the dust. This is the story that did it. I suppose I could still revel in my unwillingness to read RPS about living people, but that seems like a slender reed, frankly.

Best First Time That Rewrites a Canon Ending and Makes It Stick: Black & White, by Your Cruise Director. L.A. Confidential, Bud White/Ed Exley. This story is right in line with the movie canon, so it's gritty. I like that, myself. Just think of it as a palate clearer – a little something sour and rough between desserts. For me, the ending of the movie was never as satisfying as the rest of it – it just didn't seem quite right, somehow. This one does.

Best First Time Involving a Blindfold: Origin, by Resonant and Kass. The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. I knew, doing this topic, that I'd have to include one Sentinel first-timer, because that's pretty much the defining story of the fandom. The problem was to narrow it down to one; there were so many great stories to choose from. I finally went with "Origin" because it involves the senses, which are important in this fandom, and uses them in an original way. Also, there's a blindfold. Who doesn't love a blindfold?

Best Realistic Sex First Time: Reverie, by Your Cruise Director, who seems to have a way with first times. Master & Commander (the movie, not the book universe), Aubrey/Maturin. As with Sentinel, so with Master & Commander; this is another fandom where the classic story type is the first-timer. And because of that, there's five noms here instead of the four I try to limit myself to; I just couldn't cut another story from this list. "Reverie" gets the "best realistic sex" label because, let's face it, anal sex is not a major feature of most first times, especially when both partners have no prior experience with the act. This is a lot more like what people really do, and all the better for it.