Slashy Nominations 76: I Am a Great Friend to Public Amusements, for They Keep People from Vice

Of course, Samuel Johnson probably was thinking of public amusements other than sex when he said that; I don't really think public sex is all that likely to focus the mind on thoughts good or clean. But, really, who wants thoughts like those?

Well, we don't. Obviously. So we have these stories, which aren't going to do much to keep us from vice, but which are, on the other hand, definitely way more entertaining than, for example, mime.

Best FF Featuring a Public Sex Location That Gets Ten out of Ten for Chutzpah and Zero out of Ten for Ambiance: Smut 3: Breakfast, by Grackle and Christy, and does anyone have links for either of them? Oz, Tobias Beecher/Christopher Keller. I'm developing a love/hate* relationship with Oz fan fiction that's almost as unhealthy as the major pairing in this fandom. That pairing, of course, is Beecher/Keller. In most seasons they go through more twists and turns and pain and blood and misery than the entire student body of your average American high school, but, luckily, you don't need to know anything about that to read this story, because this is pretty much your basic PWP. (For which thank god, because it's totally beyond my ability to explain, or indeed understand, the plot of this damn show.) And, really, pretty much any B/K sex that doesn't happen in an alternate universe has got to count as public sex to some degree; it's not like there's privacy in a prison. Even so, this story stands out. There's public sex and then there's borderline insanity, and this fic definitely leans to the latter. But then, hell, so does this whole fandom.

Best FF That Shows Us That Public Sex Is Sometimes Just a Prelude to Matchmaking: One Up, by cmshaw. Due South, Ray Kowalski/Ray Vecchio. Yes, it's a Ray/Ray story, and therefore I will be offering a Certified Safe Alternate Story for those people who cannot take their dS in any flavor other than Kowalski/Fraser. But, actually, I think this story will upset Vecchio lovers far more than K/F addicts; basically, this is Ray/Ray as a springboard to K/F, with Vecchio acting like, well, a bit of a jerk. And this all happens in the men's room at the 27th, thus once again demonstrating that said men's room is one of the Sex Spots for this particular fandom. (The others, of course, are: Canadian shack, the GTO, and Ray's apartment.) This is the Public Toilet of Hot Man Lovin', folks, and while that concept is both scary and slightly vile, it works. Or certain writers make it work, even though I sometimes wish that the precinct's Sex Spot had been the stairwell. Or, hell, the supply closet. Anywhere, really, that wouldn't involve people on their knees in a men's room, violating, if not health regulations, at least every possible measure of common sense.

-Or-

Best FF That Shows That Any Cultural Divide Can Be Bridged with Sensitivity, Understanding, Intelligence, and Hot Gay Sex. And If the International Diplomatic Community Knew This, I Think We'd All Pay a Lot More Attention to Foreign Affairs. So to Speak. Translating Fahrenheit to Celsius, by Speranza, aka cesperanza. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. Here's the alternate story for those who just can't cope with Ray/Ray. And I'm proud to report that it's another story set in that famed Public Toilet of Hot Man Lovin' (and, really, I think the Chicago Tourism Board ought to capitalize on this, although I suppose finding someone to lead, say, guided tours would be sort of challenging). But even though this story does in fact feature sex, it's really about how Fraser communicates and how Ray translates. And I love the way Ray's translations work here, via his intuition, his intelligence, and his abiding love for Fraser. Really, what F/K fan could ask for anything more? (By the way, you translate Fahrenheit to Celsius thusly: (T_f - 32) * (5/9) = T_c. There. Now we can all pretend that FF is an educational pursuit. I mean, educational about things other than unusual and imaginative lubricants, and I actually wish FF was just a little less educational about that.)

Best FF Featuring the Worst Song Lyrics Ever, Namely "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I've Got Love in My Tummy." And Please, Please Let This Also Be the Only FF Featuring That Song, Because There's Only So Much a Person Can Take. Slackened Ties, by anniesj. Harry Potter, Remus Lupin/Sirius Black (in Marauders time). Does the Gryffindor common room count as public sex? I'm voting yes, and not just because the word "common" is right there in the name of the place; when you think of all the potential for magical eavesdropping, every location in the Potterverse is at least sort of public, but the Gryffindor common room is especially so. (That fireplace! The ghosts! Mrs. Norris!) Unlike the other stories I'm offering today, the public sex in this one has consequences, if you can call getting interrupted by a good friend consequences. And I have to admit I love this story not so much for the smut, although it is smutty and good, but rather for the reaction of said friend, which elevated this to a whole other level for me. (I think Sports Night has broken me, folks; I now like banter more than smut. Soon I won't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror.) The reaction is just so - well, I'd say in-character, except that the canon has hardly given us any character for the Marauders in their schooldays, so I'll have to go with - right. (In case you got lost in that bugger of a sentence, the content, to the extent that there was any, was: "The reaction is just so right.") And how can you not love a story that ends with James on the prowl? Every story needs James Potter on the prowl! Well, no, I take that back. But this one is definitely the better for it.

Best FF That Demonstrates That the Road to Emotional Healing Is Paved with Good Gay Sex: Downed, by Jack, aka buggery. Batclan, Dick Grayson/Tim Drake. This is another Tim-after-Robin story; I used to be pissed off about Tim shucking his costume (in, you know, the permanent sense), but it's given us such a lot of quality FF that I'm beginning to feel uncomfortably grateful for it. (This, incidentally, is yet more proof of the Law of Canon Cruelty, which states: "As canon writers become more cruel, fan fiction authors become more creative." But let us all stay focused on the first corollary to the Law of Canon Cruelty: "But that doesn't mean we have to forgive the canon writers, or even, in exceptional cases - Tom Fontana, Joss Whedon, Marvel - refrain from throwing vegetables at them in the street.") So. Tim isn't Robin anymore. And who better to help him through this difficult transitional period than the only other person who has survived Robinhood? (Yes, that was an intentional pun. Yes, I am sorry. Yes, I will be punishing myself later.) And what better way to begin the process of coping than with sex in a public alley? I mean, sure, mental health professionals might argue with that statement, but I know this much is true - even the very best mental health professional would go catatonic if confronted with even a quarter of the Batclan's collected insanity. So, really, I don't think we can listen to them on this one.

-Footnote-

* Fan fiction is having a seriously deleterious effect on my view of a certain punctuation mark. Am I the only one who looked at "love/hate" and thought, wow, there's a pairing I'd read? Um. Actually, I probably am.

Slashy Nominations 77: Watching Thee from Hour to Hour

My fandoms like to watch. All of them. Because, actually, fan fiction is watching - we're peering into the parts of our characters' lives that the creators wouldn't show us. In other words, we're all voyeurs. But, as these stories show, we're in excellent company.

Warning: if you're already borderline paranoid, you'll probably want to skip these, unless you think you'd enjoy a future in which you cannot have sex without assuming that someone, somewhere, is watching.

Best FF That Teaches Us That Discourtesy Has Consequences, and That We Should Therefore Always Remember to Knock. Unless, of Course, We Wish to Make Difficult Yet Erotic Discoveries. Intruding, by helvirago. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. Sort of. Those are the characters involved in this story, anyway. And what is the story? Well, certain psychologists say our lives are all stimulus and response. It's possible one of them wrote this story, although I really hope that helvirago is not B. F. Skinner in disguise, because that boy was creepy. But this is a story any behaviorist could love. Fraser is, um, stimulated. And then he responds. If there's a moral to this story besides "it only takes an extra minute to be courteous," it's, "you know, hotels put locks on both sides of connecting doors for a reason, folks." (Never say that slash hasn't given you words to live by.) This story will also help you to understand the importance of watching. Because, hey, it's the best way to learn, yup? And you want to learn, don't you? I'm sure you do. At least, you probably wouldn't mind learning what Ray Kowalski has to teach.

Best FF That Teaches Us That Homemade Pornography Should Be Handled Like Radioactive Waste: Reduced to a Mass of Charged Electrons or Buried in Secret Vaults Guaranteed to Hold for 15,000 Years: Masking Tape, by Cita Powers, and does anyone have a link for her? Sports Night, Dan Rydell/Casey McCall. Danny experiences the joys of voyeurism once removed, and Casey learns the folly of leaving your amateur porn in the hands of others. They have a typical spat that is resolved with stubbornness and synonyms. In other words, this is Danny and Casey doing their thing, the thing that makes it impossible for anyone who sees the show to believe they aren't totally, totally in love. Take home lesson from this one (aside from the porn thing, which I really hope you already knew): those stupid things you did in college can bite you in the butt when you least expect it. So, you know, if you are in college right now, do your stupid things, but also do your best to burn the evidence, OK? And if you're already finished with college, well, your best shot is probably to start honing some humorous stories. Or I guess you could flee the country and start a new life under a stolen name. Whichever.

Best FF That Teaches Us the Importance of Checking for Surveillance Devices Before Beginning Any Private Activity, Although You Probably Want to Do That Secretly to Avoid Unfortunate and Totally Unnecessary Committal Hearings: Maybe There Are Secret Places, by Te, aka thete1. D.C. Universe (Batclan), Barbara Gordon (Oracle) and Bruce Wayne (Batman), but not exactly as a pairing. For those who can only do the slash thing, well - this isn't slash. It isn't het either, exactly. But there's descriptions of, you know, girly parts*. Caveat lectrix. So. The Bats are sort of, well, creepy, you know? They spend their nights flitting around dangerous cities in tight clothes and yet they are never arrested for prostitution. They fight crime with advanced technology, amazing skills, and more mental illness than any given state hospital for the criminally insane could possibly handle, and yet, to the best of our knowledge, they aren't even taking Prozac. It should be no surprise to anyone that they are as twisted in their time off as they are when they're swinging moodily through the rain, thinking, well, whatever thoughts it is that Batpersons think, which I frankly think we're all better off not knowing. So, yes, we've got our full complement of Bat-twistiness in this story. What's impressive, though, is that this is all about an under-fic'd character, Barbara Gordon. Here, we learn that she has what it takes to be truly Batty. And also that even Bruce's paranoia sometimes nods. The second take-home lesson here? That repression works for heroes, and it can work for you, too.

Best FF That Teaches Us That Privacy Isn't Much of a Feature of the Superhero Lifestyle. And, Also, That Mick Jagger Was Apparently Hot in Some Strange Alternate Universe. Steaming, by Jane St. Clair, aka 3jane. The Authority, Apollo/Midnighter, Jenny Sparks/Shen. Look, I love Charles Xavier as much as the next person (unless the next person is Magneto), but Jenny Sparks is a much more realistic leader. Xavier's principled. Jenny's pragmatic. And in this particular case, she's using her special abilities to, well, check on her people. And if those people happen to be doing things they'd rather keep private - well, let's just say that at this point I very much doubt that Jenny has any illusions about her behavior. She does it because she can. And that, my friends, is the difference between the way Marvel sees humans with special powers and the way I think they'd really be. And it's not because Jenny is evil - she is emphatically not. She's just, well, on a different plane, I think. And she's a good leader, to the extent that anyone could be for her crew. If that's not enough to make you love this story, there's also a lovely look at the private lives of Apollo and Midnighter, who really do seem to be the only happy people in their world sometimes. Here we have love without schmoop, sex without smut. It's an education, is what this story is. The second thing this story should teach you is probably to love Jane St. Clair as much as I do.

-Footnote-

* I did indeed say "girly parts." If you read my recent rant, you'll know there are an estimated 3.4 million worse words to use for "cunt," including every single word in the vocabulary of the average American 5-year-old. If you're wise, you'll take "girly parts" and like it, because the alternatives are, trust me on this, the kind of worse that leads to prolonged hospital stays and a great intimacy with neuroleptic pharmaceuticals. And do you really want to be the person twitching and moaning, "the cookie...the cookie...put it in the kitten..." on the rubber mattress? Thought not. Girly parts it is.