Keep Hoping Machine Running

Hey. You guys know everything, so: does anyone out there know about tea? Specifically, I'm looking for loose-leaf tea that I can buy online that is very, very tasty. Like, a nice assortment of it, maybe. Like, if you were going to get loose-leaf tea as a present, what specific teas would you want?

In return for any help you can give me in this (important!) matter, I offer you an assortment of amusing stories. Not actually written by me, no. But hand-selected by me! With artisan story summaries!

(Also, hey: check out my cool, be-snowified default icon, originally by makesmewannadie and modified by slodwick, who brings the seasonal cheer in buckets. Of course, this is the only snow I'll see this winter, because I live in LA and it's like forty billion degrees here every fucking day, but that just makes the snowy icon more precious. Thanks, Slod!)

The Funniest Joke Is the One That's on the Joker. Revenge, by astolat. Smallville(ish), Clark Kent/Lex Luthor.

(Note: I say "Smallvilleish" because this is Shalott's special version of Smallville: set in the future, mixed with special elements of comics canon, and whipped into a delightful, frothy blend. And, really, I would love to read more stories like that, and I know there was a challenge to mix comics and TV canon there a while back. Anyone have a link?)

You've got to love the Joker. He wants nothing more than what we all want - to make people laugh, and rejoice, and be gay. Which is (obviously) why I'm starting the set with this story; it's got the Joker in all his glory, and who could be a better mascot for a humor set than him? (Do not, at this point, attempt to picture the Joker in one of those unfortunate sports-team mascot suits - I'm guessing it would be for, like, the Gotham Bats - prancing around and leading the crowd in cheers. You will go to a bad place in your head, and you might not come back. This is how people end up in Arkham rooming with Poison Ivy, thinking about things like that.)

And, in fact, the Joker does succeed here, in that I laughed. Except I was partly laughing at him, and I'm not sure that was his purpose. But I was also partly laughing at Clark and Lex, so that should make him happy. (Oh, boys, just give up and fuck each other already; unresolved sexual tension is un-American.)

The Funniest Joke Is One That Involves Baaaaaaaaby Animals. Two-Color Dog Happiness, by lcsbanana. Stargate: Atlantis, gen.

(Note: if you followed along in lcsbanana's LJ when she was writing this, you'll still want to click on the link, which has a special epilogue.)

Okay. I know there are people out there who do not enjoy thinking about various characters being turned into baaaaaaaaby animals. You people run along to the next recommendation, because I warn you that here there will be unabashed use of terms like "cute" and "adorable" and, well, "baaaaaaaaby animals."

Go. Go on. There's a special alternative to this story coming up for you.

And now that they've moved on, I think those of us who are left can acknowledge that we feel very, very sorry for them, yes? Because there is a certain pure and ecstatic beauty to turning characters into baby animals. I don't think I even need to sell you on the concept - I mean, funny! Cute! Baby animals! What else is there to say? - so I'll just register a formal complaint that this is not a thriving subgenre of fan fiction on at least the level of MPreg. We live in a world where male pregnancy is more common than random pandafication, and even though I can (and have) gone for a good MPreg, that is just sad. Where is the story in which Daniel Jackson is turned into a fuzzy, blinking alpaca? In which Sam Winchester is turned into a gazelle? In which Fraser finds a ferret breaking into the front door of the Consulate one evening? I have done my share; I've turned Ray Kowalski into a zebra and Tim Drake into a wombat. Have you done yours? (Because, hey, if you have, I need links.)

Or:

The Funniest Joke Is One That Involves the Leader of the Free World Having Indecent Relations with a Rabbit. (Note: Not Actually As Scarring As It Sounds.) Wabbit Hunting, by supacat. Smallville, Clark Kent/Lex Luthor (ish). (I refuse to apologize for the fandom duplication here. I am totally unrepentant, thanks.)

Yes, this is the story for the people who couldn't take the baaaaaaaaby animals. Yes, there is, um, another animal transformation here. But it's Clark Kent, people, and he's the pet of Lex Luthor. Tell me that doesn't appeal. Tell me that's not, like, the plot of 3,500 stories, at least 30 of which you have saved to your hard drive.

Just, usually Clark isn't small and furry at the time. Is all. Very minor difference!

But I think even people who would, if given the option, take torture and death over widdle furry animals will find this story appealing. Why? Because Lex Luthor gets his awful revenge on Clark Kent at long, long last.

By naming him "Bunnykins." And scratching behind his ears.

I'm sorry, but if you don't see the joy inherent in that, you aren't even human.

The Funniest Joke Is One with Sound Effects and a Theme Song (Performed a Capella and in Slow Motion). My Observed Holiday, by stoney321. Scrubs, gen.

There is not a single animal in this one, unless you count Rowdy. No mention of baaaaaaaaby animals at all. So if you've got tragic textual fur allergies, you can tune back in now.

Instead, we have a simple message of love, of individuality, of finding celebration and meaning in this cold cruel world of ours, of the beauty of some TV show I've never heard of. (But that doesn't mean I don't love it, people! I totally do! I'm just - a little confused. Is it seriously about a man whose skin comes off his arms so you can see the muscles underneath? Like, they made a show about the Visible Man thing that we used in elementary school for our "science" classes, where "science" means "passing around a plastic liver and listening to your classmates make EWWW GROSS noises"? Because if so, I see that drugs have been a problem in the entertainment industry and a threat to our nation's mental health for much longer than I'd thought.)

In this story, J.D. and Turk teach us the importance of making and observing our own traditions. In these crazy times, we need cultural touchstones. And, frankly, sometimes the existing ones don't cut it. So what do you do? Do you continue to celebrate Arbor Day even though you're allergic to trees? Or do you choose to celebrate the magic of one Steve Austin instead?

I know what I'm picking. Won't you all join me in February for Baaaaaaaaby Animal Transmogrification Day? (Yeah, I totally lied about there being no mention of baaaaaaaaby animals here.) There will be themed snacks! I have cookie cutters and I'm not afraid to deploy them adorably! Or obscenely, as necessary!

The Funniest Joke Is One with Lots of Towels. Although, Sadly, This Is Very Hard on the Towels. Poor Towels. Five Times Arthur Dent Lost His Towel, by makesmewannadie. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Arthur Dent/Ford Prefect.

The Five Things meme always fills my heart with joy. People can do amazing things within the framework of "Five Times They Boogied Until They Just Couldn't Boogie No More" and "Five Things You Really Didn't Want to Know That Fraser Is Going to Tell You Anyway." Sometimes you can even request these. Admittedly, I never have any good ideas - or by the time I do the person in question has 55 requests already and is considering fleeing to a new country and taking up a life as an itinerant mouseworker - but it's always fun seeing what other people come up with.

And it's a lot of fun to see what the actual writers do with these prompts. (Although, really, do I just miss all the multi-fandom prompts? The ones I've seen tend to be, like, "Five Songs That Tim Listens to That Batman Secretly Likes, Even If He Would Die Before Admitting That" and less along the lines of "Five Tattoos That Aren't Canon but Totally Should Be." Possibly multi-fandom prompts are harder. Or possibly this is just further evidence of me sucking at prompts.)

Anyway. Um. I kind of got carried away with the love for the meme and failed to talk about my love for this particular story. Which is - well. There's Arthur. There's towel abuse and carnage. There's intergalactic slang. I just - do I need to say any more to get you to read this? Because if so - wow. You are a tough sell, and you should totally write me a list of five things I could say to get you to read a really excellent story, so next time I can start there. (Suggested example: "Read this story or the baby animal gets it." What, you thought I could let the baby animals go?)

The Funniest Jokes Are Ones That Feature Extremely Humorous Nicknames That You Will Inevitably Think of at a Very Inappropriate Moment in the Near Future, and Then Have an Unfortunate Fit of the Giggles. So Skip This One If the Fate of the Free World Usually Depends on You, Okay? Eight Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Ward Sidekick Partner: or Dude you sound like a NAMBLA member, by brown_betty. D. C. Universe, Robin/Superboy.

I think we can all agree that the worst possible in-law in the whole history of ever is Batman. Oh, you may think that people who married into the Borgia family had it tough, but that was before state-of-the-art surveillance. Also, probably the Borgias like to have a laugh from time to time. Probably they hugged and stuff, too.

Just try to imagine hugging Batman. Yeah, I know. My mind goes to a bad place with restraints and blood tests and special Bat-shaped anti-hug guards, too.

Plus, Batman tends to be slightly, um. Protective of his Robins. I mean, sure, he can't keep track of each fallen Robin - notice how Steph STILL does not have a memorial Case of Angsty Batness - but he has standards. I think Betty's done an excellent job of delineating these standards here. The first one, for example, is "Don't." Batman probably has several stilted, abbreviated conversations with Robin along those lines, never getting any further than, "Robin. Don't." And then he gives up and goes to talk to Superboy instead. It's hard to date a Bat, man.

And yet Tim is obviously very tempting.

Poor Kon.

(If you were waiting for a baby animal reference: they are BATS and ROBINS, people. The animal references come built-in! Although Tim as an actual wee Robin would be - really, really disturbing, actually. "Quick, Robin! To the Batcage!" Yikes.)

Yes, meta can be a good thing. It can be a weird thing. And it can, as in the case of all these stories, be a funny thing. At least, I found them funny. (If this says something unfortunate about my sense of humor, please don't tell me about it. I'm paranoid enough, thanks.)

Why do we write meta? I'm not sure, but I know this: if we weren't picking apart our own obsessions and compulsively commenting on every aspect of fandom, we wouldn't be fans. We'd be some other mutant thing. Tiger Beat subscribers, maybe. A wry sense of humor about one's own fanaticism is an essential component of the kind of fandom practiced and worshiped in this LJ; we all have an interesting and thoughtful perspective to offer on our lack of perspective, and we all have something pithy and amusing to say about the things we take so very seriously. And these, um, word-filled thingies - they aren't all stories, and they aren't essays, and I can't think what to call them, frankly - are perfect examples of that.

I'd talk about how much these kinds of word-filled thingies make me love y'all, but that seems way too straightforward and sappy to be at home in this post, so let's save the heartfelt sentiment for the established relationships set and get right to the funny in this one.

Best FF That Demonstrates That the Presence of Eggbeaters Is Directly Related to One's Personal Safety, At Least When One Is Having a Metaish Experience. Wax Jism Rushes in Where Mary Sues Fear to Tread, by waxjism. X-Files meta. Self-insertion, and is that not the most wonderfully dirty word with which to describe a FF no-no? It is, and makesmewannadie will agree with me. (MMWD complained after the last set that I'd made her read self-insertion. She had no idea just how inserty the selves could get around here.) Here we have an unfortunately clad Wax Jism encountering Krycek (and, I suspect, Spike). I'm sure this would be even more amusing to me if I knew who Krycek was, but I get that he's a Bad Guy and, curtainfic and domesticfic and schmoopy schmoopy schmoopfic aside, he's apparently not someone you'd want to encounter in a dark alley. Which is why this story is so great. Sometimes, in our eagerness to turn the hate to hot sex (because we all try to live the Slasher's Motto: "If two guys exist in any time or universe or canon, I can get them to fuck. If they hit each other, try to kill each other, or call each other names, I can get them to fuck with gusto."), we forget that there may be a reason two people are mortal enemies. Like, for example, one of them may be evil or soulless or bent on ruling all of Metropolis. Or he could just be an asshole. So, when I've read a story that turns a canonical bad guy into a misunderstood pile of ever-loving mush, I read this story as a palate-clearer.

Best Non-FF but FF-Related Thingy That Will Teach You Several Important Life Lessons That I Beg You Not to Put into Practice, Unless It's the One About Bringing Planets Under the Dominion of Prospect-L; You're More Than Welcome to Do That. Deep Fanfic Thoughts, by Jack Handey, by Valeria Fate, aka violetisblue (I think). Fandom and fanfic meta. OK, this is another one where I get enough of the joke to laugh without necessarily getting the whole thing, because I am just pathetic, and also lazy enough not to want to do the necessary Googling to cover for my pathetic out-of-it-ness. First problem: I'm not sure who Jack Handey is, except that I suspect he's not a real person. Second problem: a lot of these deep thoughts concern mailing lists, and I'm not on any FF-related mailing lists. But you know what? It doesn't matter. Because there are lines in this like, "People think it's fun to write fanfic because you get all those readers. But they forget the negative side, which is the psychosis." And don't forget this timeless piece of wisdom: "If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how we take male pregnancy fics completely for granted." Really, these are the kinds of philosophical meditations fandom needs. Because with Thanksgiving coming up, at least here in the US, shouldn't we all take a little time to be thankful that we live in an age where smut is so readily and freely available? And such specialized smut, too. Yes, this year I intend to give thanks that I can find all the MPreg and wingfic and Mary Sue fic that my heart could desire. (Actually, quite a lot more than my heart has ever desired, but I won't mention that part, in case the porn gods are feeling tetchy.) Plus, you know, I'll give thanks for plain ol' smut. Only I will do this silently, so that my parents don't give me an exorcism for Christmas and a year of therapy for Hanukkah.

Best Sort of FF and Sort of Something Else Thingy Featuring Standards and Practices People Being Tormented by Gay Sex, Which Is Such an Accurate Depiction of My Ideal World That I Weep with Joy and Frustration Whenever I Read This. The Due South Reunion Movie, Draft 1, by shayheyred. Due South meta, involving assorted slash. Sort of. Yeah, you know you're deep in the meta weeds when you can't write a story summary that is coherent and useful and shorter than the story itself. So, for the record, I'm going to focus on "shorter than the story itself," and leave the coherence and usefulness to a LJ better suited and more accustomed to that sort of thing. Which would be all of them, I'm thinking. But even if I can't explain why you need to read this, need to read it you do, because it is just really, really funny. Shay pretty much had me at the title - not of the story, mind you, but the story within this story, because remember how I said this is the complicated kind of meta? - which is "Here Today, Yukon Tomorrow." I'm sure we can all totally see Paul Gross writing that and snickering to himself, unless that's just me. Oh, and I should probably warn you that there's suggestions of RPS in this, but it didn't trigger my RPS gag reflex, so it probably won't trigger yours. (Although I'm beginning to be afraid that my RPS gag reflex is weakening, and if it is - oh, god. I so don't need RPS fandoms. And I don't need the drastic reduction in already wavering self-esteem, not to mention the major recalculation of self-image, that would result from the loss of my last few remaining fandom standards, scruples, and boundaries. So please hope along with me that the RPS gag reflex is still going strong.)

Best FF Commentary Thingies That Feature Conflicted Batman and Gay Bar Kowalski and Bitchy Methos and Wistful Remus and Lots of Other Characters, Plus Forsythia, and Yet Still Make a Lot of Sense, Which I Know Doesn't Even Seem Possible, but Trust Me, It Is. Fic Frustration, by jjtaylor, PWP = Progress? What Progress?, by penknife, and WIP Meme, by shrift. Meta-ish insane auctorial babbling. Slash, het, and gen. See, I hate memes. Except when I love them. And this was possibly my favorite meme ever: authors summed up their works in progress in script form. (Because it's easier to describe by example, even if it's a bad example, here's what it looks like. Keller: Actually, I'm glad we can't get direct sunlight in here. Beecher: Really? [thoughtful pause while gazing at his copy of Dracula] Oh, shit. Keller: bitey bitey! Author: Wait, no, you were supposed to have sex! What is wrong with you people that you're always with the blood and the pain and the fighting when I want hot, uncomplicated sex? Keller: Why would I care what you want? Beecher: He's got a point.) I read these and laughed and laughed and laughed. (Don't judge them by the bad example!) Unfortunately, I didn't think to bookmark all of them at the time. (Hey, I was new to this LJ thing, and I naively thought there'd be a way to find them later. So if you wrote one of these, let me know, OK?) But I did bookmark these three, and I am profoundly glad, because these are just - just - look. I read a lot of FF. Probably way more than you think I do. Which is actually pretty scary, but that's a worry for a whole other sleepless night. Point is, I know fic when I see it, even when it isn't actually in fic form. And these are great fics - in character, interesting, and either sexy or plotty. I couldn't ask for more. Except, of course, for these to be finished. But, hey, fandom has always needed a way to get more mileage and less frustration out of works in progress, and this is one such way. Brilliant! (And wouldn't now be a great time to revive this meme, oh author of many works in progress? Just a thought.)

Yes, it's more humor. See, the thing is, after a few seriously angsty ones I need something light-hearted and funny. And as I've mentioned, I've been exploring the Buffy fandom, which is basically the second-largest angst, doom, and gloom resource in the world. (I'm thinking of petitioning the United Nations to declare it a World Heritage Site, to preserve the darkness for future generations.) So I find myself needing extra doses of humor these days, and I'm passing that humor on to you. (Which is only fair, since I have every intention of passing on the angst to you lot as well.)

Best FF That Proves That Fortune Really Does Favor the Foolish, Because If It Didn't, Benton Fraser Would've Been Killed by an Insane Bag Lady by Now: Interrogation, by speranza. Due South, Ray Kowalski/Benton Fraser. This is one of those stories that I turn to again and again, especially when I've just read a novella involving, you know, darkness and sourness and a 2,300-word torture scene. Why? (I mean, of course, why do I turn to this story, not why do I read darkfic. The latter passeth all understanding.) Well, consider the experimental line of Hallmark cards. Fraser's list of enemies. The mad or incompetent toaster bomber. Plus, is it just me, or is Frannie worried about what else Ray and Fraser might be doing in the interrogation room? I think she's a closet slash reader, people.

Best FF Using the Phrase "Snookie-Ookie-Wookums" (Please, God, Let This Be the Only FF Using the Phrase "Snookie-Ookie-Wookums"): Every Fanfic Ever Written!, by Mooncalf, aka tsukikoushi. All fandoms, all pairings. You say you have no time to read fan fiction these days? Even fast fic is too much for you? Well, read Mooncalf's nifty encapsulations, and you'll never need to read another. She's missed a few of the rarer types, yup, but I think you'll be impressed at how much she covers. I know I was. My own personal favorite type of story: The Backstory Fic, Part 2.

Best FF That Needs to Be Forwarded to Every Marvel Author Immediately. With a Kick in the Pants or Two.: Phone Home, by Domenika. (I think, anyway. It's sort of hard to tell her name from her site.) X-Men comics, gen. I don't know if those of you who haven't suffered under the Insanity-Inducing Lash that is the X-multiverse will find this as funny as, for example, I do. I do know that even minute exposure to said Lash years and years ago will be enough to cause you to giggle at this. I laughed myself sick at this one, even though I quit my X habit cold turkey in my last year of college, when I realized that I could keep up with the classes my parents paid for me to take, or I could keep up with Marvel comics, which I had to pay to read and then pay for therapy sessions to resolve the existential confusion they induced. I couldn't do both, and I still believe I made the right choice. If you've managed to steer clear of the X gravitational well but you'd still like to get the joke, look at Alex Summers' biography, courtesy the scarily thorough folks at Mutatis Mutandis. Alex Summers is the main character in this story, so reading this will help you understand the background. Even more, though, reading his bio will give you a tiny, tiny sampling of the hysteria, chaos, and ludicrous insanity that is the canon for this world. Warning: Exposure to Marvel comics plot lines may cause cranial pain, facial swelling, and unexplained bleeding. In extreme cases, seizures and dribbling may result. Discontinue reading if any of the following symptoms appear: confusion, loss of will to live, scaly rash, disruption of electrical fields, secondary mutation.

Best Humorous FF Featuring References to Martin Luther King, Jr. and Charles Dickens: I Had a Dream, by francesca. The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. For some reason, I just find this really - funny. Maybe it's the whole "Christmas Carol" riff - I have a well-documented weakness for the Ghosts of Various Holidays of Various Times. Maybe it's that this is the strangest method of initiating a relationship I've seen yet in FF. Maybe it's that this all seems so very, very, well, Blairy - I can just totally picture him doing this. Or maybe it's because I'm with Jim on this one; I actually find Blair's dream rather reassuring, too. (And I am here to tell you, folks, that it is a sad, sad day when you realize that you're the Jim Ellison in your own personal RL pairing.) I find the happy ending, the light-heartedness, and the silliness comforting, too. Read on, my friends, for grim fic returns soon to a blog near you.

I have almost no sense of humor, which is probably why I have such unhealthy affection for those people and things that make me laugh. And my affection for these stories is quite excessively unhealthy, because they all made me laugh a lot.

Best FF That Manages to Be Funny Despite the Inclusion of Multiple Shootings, Angsty Misunderstandings, and Freud: Eight Sessions, by Speranza. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. Picking a single humorous story from this fandom was tough; there's so many to choose from. I went with this one because I love, love, love the way Ray and Fraser handle their therapy sessions. I laughed myself dizzy. This could be just my innate fondness for therapy humor, or - no. This really is that funny. And the story isn't only humor; there's actual plot and actual seriousness and actual smut here, too.

Best FF That Will Change the Way You Relate to Egg Products: Demolition Woman, by Betty Plotnick. The Sentinel, Jim/Blair pre-slash. Again, this was a difficult choice. I'm not sure if it's the TV aspect or the cop aspect that gives rise to all the humor in these two fandoms, but I'm not complaining, even if does make my choices hard. In the end, I picked this story, even though it has been rec'd to beat the band, because I wanted to do my small bit to ensure that every living being on this planet had read the world-famous omelet box scene.

Best FF That Works Really Well as Therapy for Those Who Have Read Too Much HP FF: A Matter of Convenience, by debchan. Harry Potter, and that's all I'm gonna tell you about it. Except to say that I love this story all the more for existing in a fandom where attempts at humor are few, and successful attempts are even rarer. Also, a hint: if you write HP FF, and the beginning of this story essentially reads like a summary of your favorite plot devices, you might wanna think of branching out, mmm?

Best FF Featuring Love Poetry and Legolas: Nine Men and a Little Lady, by Kielle, aka _redpanda_. Lord of the Rings, assorted pairings. Again, this is oft-rec'd, but I want to do my part. Because, lord, humor in LotR is even rarer than humor in HP (which makes a certain amount of sense, as the canon isn't exactly giggle-a-minute, either). And we all need to read stories with endings like this one.