No Heterosexual Explanation Moments

[thefourthvine]

Recently, I was talking to frostfire_17, and the topic of the No Heterosexual Explanation Moment came up. (It will not surprise you to hear that we were talking about the Fast and Furious franchise at the time. There are few other franchises so thoroughly inundated with such moments, I think.) It is the moment when you try, you genuinely, seriously try to take off your slash goggles and figure out what the writers, producers, directors, and actors thought was happening in a scene, and you can only conclude that, no, they must have thought the same-sex pairing was doing it, too. (It can also be the moment that a non-slasher wanders in, studies the screen for a long moment with narrowed eyes, and then says, "They are so fucking each other.")

As far as I can tell, there are two major categories of No Heterosexual Explanation Moments. The first is where the plot only makes sense if the pairing is, in fact, a pairing; I tend to put the first season of Smallville (what I know of it) into this category. Lex's behavior is just, you know, really really hard to explain unless he is very hot for Clark indeed. And the second kind is where it's just not something people with a strictly platonic, UST-free relationship ever do. Like, for example, when one cop signs "I love you" to the other cop as he's being med-evac'd out on a helicopter. I am pretty sure they don't teach that in police academy courses on Effective Partnerships in the Law Enforcement Profession, is all I'm saying.

But Frost and I realized that, tragically, we just do not have the depth and breadth of experience to make a complete catalogue of No Heterosexual Explanation Moments. This is where I am hoping you all come in. What are the key NHEMs of our time? Of past times? Of all time? Educate me! Bonus points for links to clips, if they come from a visual medium.

F/F as welcome as M/M, of course. And, hey, if you've got any NHEMs for threesomes, lay 'em on me. The only key is that even a person struggling not to see the pairing will still say, "...You know, I just really think they're doing it." (Obviously, if it is an actual canon pairing, it cannot feature in an NHEM, because in that case there shouldn't BE a heterosexual explanation.)

ETA: Spoilers in comments, of course! And the more the merrier, in my opinion.

Comments

[giandujakiss]

The episode Starsky vs. Hutch from the fourth season of Starsky & Hutch falls into the first category. Hutch basically makes a play to steal Starsky's girlfriend and the whole episode has them acting very bizarrely - unless you assume that Hutch is sexually jealous of Starsky. At which point the episode makes perfect sense.

[greenygal]

Bonus points for the epilogue in which Starsky announces that he's waiting for "a beautiful blonde" and Huggy assumes he means Hutch. And then they wind up leaving the lady behind and walking out together. In black leather jackets.

Me personally, I really wonder about this sequence...

[busaikko]

This doesn't exactly count, but this scene from SGA supported a thousand and one fics where John and Rodney had at one time been together, but now Rodney's with Keller, but they're both still hurting; or John's finally realizing that there sadly is a Heterosexual Reason for why Rodney's not going to love him back. Or something like that.

[thatyourefuse]

... wow. Yes, that's kind of. Obvious.

[aris_tgd]

Does the entire canon of Starsky and Hutch count? Because. Er. The first forty seconds of this clip from A Coffin for Starsky and the scene with the dip, for example.

[thefourthvine]

WOW. Um, also, WOW. I - I really don't know what to do with that, except to assume they were doing it. Are you sure that they weren't actually, canonically doing it? Maybe you just missed the episode with the kiss!

[longmagpieroads]

Most of the 1960's Batman series with Adam West and Burt Ward has a ton of these. I'm slowly working on cataloguing them all. But from the first episode, there are more than one of these between Batman and Robin

[thefourthvine]

Seriously? Fascinating! I have never seen the show, of course - I've basically not seen any show - but I had a boyfriend in college who LOVED it. And he never mentioned this. It's obvious why I'm not with him anymore.

[wildestranger]

The whole of the Eagle. See this(http://misspamela.livejournal.com/670897.html) for evidence.

[paxpinnae]

Seconded. If you don't accept the premise that Marcus fell in love with Esca when their eyes met across a crowded gladiatorial arena, the rest of the movie makes NO. SENSE. WHATSOEVER. The book is the same, but more so, since Marcus actually goes out and buys Esca for himself, and then when Esca's delivered, he admits that the only reason he didn't run away while in transit was he was hoping that Marcus was the one who had bought him.

[thatyourefuse]

There is no logical reading of Ashes to Ashes series 3 that does not include the assumption "Sam and Gene were fucking." At all.

Even if you discount this.

I mean. To quote tvtropes -- I think I may have actually edited this bit in there anyway, but I can't remember --

Gene: *rips Sam's obituary off his noticeboard and charges out of his office*
Gene: "When are we at our most vulnerable? Ray?"
Ray: "I'm never vulnerable."
Alex: "When we're in love."
Gene: "When we're just out of love, Bolly. When we're feeling scared. When we think we're going to spend the rest of our lives on our own."
Alex: "Who exactly are we talking about here?"

And then there's the jacket. And Gene's fucked-up defensiveness. And the paralleling of Sam and Alex, and Keats's Dire Hints about what may have (and totally didn't, but Alex very nearly buys in) happened to Sam, and --

(There is also no nonsexual reading of Gene/Alex or Alex/Keats, but that's a different story.)

[thatyourefuse]

(Also also, Ray's insistent attempted cockblocking of Chris and Shaz's relationship is just very -- very -- well, it doesn't read as anything much but envy. Of Shaz. And the writers definitely know about that one. And then the ending the three of them get is -- is.

And the at least two times in 1.05 where Shaz is blatantly and openly hitting on Alex. Like, seriously, eying her hooker costume and saying "I'd pay" hitting on her.)

[thingswithwings]

Aw! I love these moments! I do always try really hard to figure it out! Examples:

-oh god, there's this amazing moment on Star Trek: Voyager when Janeway asks Seven to help her with her uniform (put a pip on her collar) and then asks her if she's interested in dating anyone. Star Trek is full of such moments, actually, I think because - much like older buddy cop shows - they're so heterocentrist that it DOES NOT EVEN OCCUR to them that it frequently seems like Janeway is coming on to Seven.

-The second to last episode of Starsky and Hutch does not make any logical sense AT ALL unless the two guys are sleeping together, planning on sleeping together, or maaaaybe just really want to sleep together. It's . . . I don't know what to do! They go up to a lady they've both been dating and offer her a threesome, and she declines, and then they shrug, put their arms around each others' shoulders, and walk away.

-There's this episode of The Sentinel - I forget the name of it - where Jim decides to go on vacation in the woods and gives Blair and Simon STRICT INSTRUCTIONS not to follow him and to leave him alone for a weekend. They follow him, of course, and then when they get there proceed to cajole him and boss him around until he includes them (then there's a plague or something, I forget). But I don't know how to read that episode EXCEPT as a story about a guy who has two tops.

-I should be able to come up with EIGHTEEN MORE examples, because I find myself saying this all the time: "what do THEY think is happening here?!?!?" but I find myself drawing a blank. Perhaps I will peruse the other comments and come back later.

[toft]

And don't forget the Starsky and Hutch hot dog episode. THE HOT DOG EPISODE. WHAT does Hutch mean by asking Starsky if he can have a bite of his hot dog and then waggling his eyebrows if he is not in fact asking him to have sex? It's one of life's eternal mysteries.

[cuda]

Oh, good grief, Dean and Castiel from Supernatural, Season 5 on. I was unable to point out any specific clips on YouTube, either because I fail at searching the right keywords or there's just so. Many. Fanvids. But Castiel and Dean have a tendency towards long, soul-searching stares, and Dean spends more time confessing his fears, making helpless puppy faces and crying in front of Castiel than any other character.

I don't know, maybe that's just something you'd do in front of an angel of the Lord.

I hear ya on the Fast & Furious films. *brofist* *displays appropriate icon*

[thefourthvine]

NATURALLY. When an angel shows up, the standard response is to flirt with him!

And, oh god, your ICON. I agree with it, totally.

[toft]

Well, the entire last two series of Blakes 7 comes to mind. Avon has spent the last two series violently protesting that he doesn't like Blake, doesn't believe in his ideals and plans to sell the secret alien spaceship they've come to possess and run off to live quietly in wealthy retirement the second Blake comes to a bad end and lets go of his influence on the rest of the crew; cue final episode of S2 when Blake says, "I have always trusted you, Avon," AND AVON'S HEART BLEEDS THROUGH HIS EYES; Blake disappears, and does Avon do what he said he would? Does he hell. Without a single word of explanation he spends the next two series leading the crew in a single-minded search for Blake across the galaxy, ending in Avon's arguable madness and the slaughter of the entire crew when he walks into a trap THAT HE KNEW WAS A TRAP because it was baited by Blake.

B7 makes no sense unless Avon is in love with Blake and the entire thing is a story about their doomed romance! OMG their love.

[thatyourefuse]

... wow.

Okay.

I was halfway to wanting to watch this anyway -- I have seen Servalan -- but, wow.

[eveningblue]

I know you're talking about tv and movies, but right now I'm reading a lot of Sherlock Holmes stories and every time they take a vacation together I am like, wtf? Did men in the Victorian era do that a lot? I mean, roommates I get. Partners I get. But I am reading "The Adventure of the Devil's Foot" and they go on a non-case-related vacation together at the beginning of the story.

Also, as you probably know, Holmes almost never shows any interest in women.

[starlady]

No, that totally makes sense. I was just about to nominate the entire Sherlock Holmes 2009 movie, which makes no sense without the presumption that Holmes is madly in love with Watson.

[holli]

srevans and I agree that none of the Master's plans make any sense unless he is in love with the Doctor and desperately wants his attention. In "Mind of Evil," when Delgado ties Three to a chair and does some mind torture, he stops halfway through and runs in to pat his face and see if he's okay. Also, in the same serial, the Master's greatest fear is revealed to be the Doctor laughing at him.

[thatyourefuse]

OMG yes.

And the interlocking TARDISes in... Time Monster? And Castrovalva! Basically all of Castrovalva that doesn't involve tramping around in really impractical shoes!

[lydiabell]

Oh lord. There's a lot of slashiness in The Invisible Man ::points to icon::, but the real No Heterosexual Explanation Moment is in "Flowers for Hobbes". Basically Bobby says something about being Superman (it's a long story). To which Darien replies, "You're Superman? I'm the invisible man. Wow, we just get Wonder Woman, we could really party, you know what I'm saying?"

What makes this a NHEM is the existence of this joke. I mean. I challenge ANYONE to find the heterosexual explanation for that.

[adalger]

I don't even have to click to know what joke you mean. I probably wouldn't have got it from that bare reference, but your logic is irrefutable.

[travels_in_time]

For older shows, there's "Boy Meets World". There is no possible viewing that doesn't include "Cory and Shawn are in love" as a deeply-embedded assumption, already built into the show for your convenience.

[liviapenn]

Hahahaha, yes. From the episode where Shawn pretends to be a girl:

Topanga: Why are you carrying his books?
Cory: Well, we're trying to create the illusion that Shawn's a girl, so I thought this would help.
Topanga: You never carry my books.
Cory: Well, look at him!

Almost as cute, when they have to do biographies for a school project:

Cory: So it can be about anyone?
Mr. Turner: Anyone real.
Cory: I pick Shawn!
Shawn: I pick Cory!
Topanga: You know you walked right into that.
Mr. Turner: I did, didn't I?

*hearts*

[mackiedockie]

Highlander is rife with Moments--the white-paint-on-nose scene, "Candygram", SUV scene, Double-Quickening. D/M have Moments inside their Moments.

[nestra]

For me, it's the scene in whatever episode it is where they have the sword fight in the dojo, which ends up with Methos on his knees, eyes locked on Duncan, chest-heaving, while Duncan holds his phallic object at his throat.

[paxpinnae]

Well, in comics, there's this infamous little bit of business with Iron Man and Captain America apparently posing for an engagement announcement. That panel's from 2006, in a book that prominently features a gay couple. The artist really had no excuse.

Community has a LOT of No Heterosexual Explanation Moments between Troy and Abed, most notably this one and this one. Those seem to be the result of the writers actively teasing the fans, though, so I'm not sure if they count.

[agnes_bean]

Oh god, Troy and Abed. How about the line "There's someone out there for us." Love it.

Random factoid: The "I love you" in was epidemiology actually improved by Donald Glover. So I just like to assume that means he ships them, at least subconsciously.

[starlady]

White Collar. It's hard to come up with any particular moments because the entire series is really hard to understand without the presumption of an OT3.

[thingswithwings]

oh, TOTALLY White Collar. It overwhelms me sometimes with how slash!classic it is.

[thatyourefuse]

Oh, and ALSO every. single. Cesare/Michelotto scene. In The Borgias. EVER.

Seriously, there is no interpretation in which Michelotto is not a. kinky, b. gay, and c. really, really, really into Cesare. (Who, sadly for Michelotto, is really, really, really into his sister. Ah well.)

I mean, if there were justice in this world, I would be able to find the whipping scene on youtube, but trust me on this one.

[amaliedageek]

OMG you've seen it? *clings*

(I was playing SCA when this came out; my Laurel decided we needed to build Lucrezia's dresses.)

[kindkit]

due South: Most of "Call of the Wild," but especially Ray Kowalski's question to Thatcher about the prospect of Fraser returning to Canada: "You ever feel like you don't know who you are? Like if you weren't around somebody, or that someone wasn't around you, then you wouldn't be you, or at least not the you that you think. You ever think like that?"

Doctor Who (Third Doctor): The Doctor's reaction to seeing his old nemesis the Master again is "He's putting on weight," which is a Bitter Ex-Lover remark if I've ever heard one. It's here about four minutes in.

Doctor Who (Tenth Doctor): Among many others, how the Doctor and the Master talk on the phone to each other, and the Doctor's reaction when a HUGELY SPOILERY thing happens (here, starting at about 5:20).

Raffles (books): Among many many many others, Bunny's reaction to Raffles' flirting with a young Australian woman he meets while the they're are on a ship (which was supposed to be a romantic holiday just for Raffles and Bunny):

It was Raffles who prevented me [from enjoying myself], but not Raffles alone. It was Raffles and that Colonial minx on her way home from school.

What he could see in her--but that begs the question. Of course he saw no more than I did, but to annoy me, or perhaps to punish me for my long defection, he must turn his back on me and devote himself to this chit from Southampton to the Mediterranean. They were always together. It was too absurd. After breakfast they would begin, and go on until eleven or twelve at night; there was no intervening hour at which you might not hear her nasal laugh, or his quiet voice talking soft nonsense into her ear. Of course it was nonsense! Is it conceivable that a man like Raffles, with his knowledge of the world, and his experience of women (a side of his character upon which I have purposely never touched, for it deserves another volume); is it credible, I ask, that such a man could find anything but nonsense to talk by the day together to a giddy young schoolgirl? I would not be unfair for the world. I think I have admitted that the young person had points. Her eyes, I suppose, were really fine, and certainly the shape of the little brown face was charming, so far as mere contour can charm. I admit also more audacity than I cared about, with enviable health, mettle, and vitality. I may not have occasion to report any of this young lady's speeches (they would scarcely bear it), and am therefore the more anxious to describe her without injustice. I confess to some little prejudice against her. I resented her success with Raffles, of whom, in consequence, I saw less and less each day. It is a mean thing to have to confess, but there must have been something not unlike jealousy rankling within me.

[petra]

Thank you for the Tenth Doctor/Master phonesex clip. I had hunted it down and then I thought to refresh. May I add the bondage chair to expand upon the thesis?

[skaredykat]

Hot Fuzz (which includes bonus Point Break love and pimping from one of the male leads to the other) and Shaun of the Dead make a lot more sense if you assume there's serious UST there.

LotR, that devotion of Samwise Gamgee for Mr. Frodo, that seems a little... strong?

[kindkit]

Also in the Pegg and Frost oeuvre, the entirety of Mike's feelings towards Tim in Spaced, although admittedly the show doesn't really try for a heterosexual explanation there. And in Paul, Nick's character (I can't remember which one is Clive and which is Graeme) is jealous of Simon's character's new gf in a way which, despite the script's efforts, really doesn't read as "I want a gf of my own."

[red_eft]

There was a crappy 2003 movie called The Core. There were two side scientist characters whose names I don't remember but IMDB tells me they are Brazzleton and Zimsky. Anyway (spoilers for this incredibly terrible movie), they used to work together, but then Zimsky stole Brazzleton's work and became a Super Famous Scientist, and Brazzleton languished in obscurity, until the beginning of the movie when the Earth's core is exploding or something and only Brazzleton's current, previously ignored project- a ship capable of traveling into the Earth's core- can stop it.
Blah blah blah, Braz and Zimsky and a bunch of pretty people get into the ship, travel into the core. Ship breaks down. Someone has to go fix it, but they will die in the process. Brazzleton insists on being the one to do it, ending with "It's my ship!" and before he storms out into certain death, Zimsky says, tearfully "I know. But I wish to god it had been- our ship." They may even clasp hands.
I just- how else do you read that?

[samjohnsson]

Oh god, saw that on SyFy the other week. They really did read "bad break-up", didn't they?

[liviapenn]

The whole breakup scene in Psych 4x01 "Ghosts" which is where my default icon comes from:

[Gus has just been told by his boss that he can't work two jobs any more, and Shawn shows up to confront him about it]

Shawn: (pained expression) Oh my god. This isn't a joke. You're really quitting Psych?!
Gus: (equally mournful expression) I am so, so sorry, Shawn.
Shawn: In a text message, no less?!
Gus: I couldn't think of any other way to tell you. I knew you would just convince me to stay. Listen, maybe we could still do it on the weekends.
Shawn: Get ready to hear some good news. I've worked out a compromise that will solve all of this.
(Gus looks hopeful)
Shawn: You quit this job. THIS job you quit!

[in the same discussion]

Shawn: Who needs forty-eight thousand dollars to live?
Gus: I need thirty-two. The other sixteen generally goes to you.
Shawn: Don't be ridiculous.
Gus: I claimed you on my taxes, Shawn!

[odditycollector]

Okay, I can't remember the exact quote, but I am fond of the bit where Shawn is really offended that Gus had gotten drunk married a decade ago, and Gus is all, "It wasn't a *real marriage*. You know when I get married for real you are going to be standing right beside me on the altar! [pause] As my best man."

[allchildren]

Xena. Xena. Xena. Uh, and Xena.

[polarisnorth]

And Hercules.

[mackiedockie]

Wiseguy's Vinnie Terranova and Sonny Steelgrave steamed up the screen in their first episode in the alpha dog fight scene.

[cereta]

Knights in White Satin! Two men sitting staring at each other while the jukebox wails, "And I love yooooouuu!"

[cereta]

Have you seen Wild Wild West? I mean, half the episodes end in the train, with Jim putting the moves on the babe of the week while Artie is RIGHT THERE smiling, and then the camera pulls back as if to say, "And then there was a threesome."

That said, evidence suggests that TPTB of that show knew exactly what they were doing.

[melannen]

I have an entire subset of these which are not so much about the characters' behavior as about the framing and symbolism of an episode (possibly because I tend to read all onscreen body language, het or not, as gen if given half an excuse, I look for the external cues.)

The first blatant example of this I encountered was the Highlander episode "Till Death", where the A-plot is centered around Mac convincing Methos to help him save their friends' marriage. They don't behave any more slashily than usual (which is to say, a lot) - but everything in the episode, from the dialogue to the cinematography, is clearly, obviously, blatantly set up to parallel Mac & Methos' relationship with the married couple's, in such a way that that there is no other possible explanation except that the producers were deliberately trying to say "Mac and Methos are so very married."

[bluemeridian]

Breaking the vase! So, so true. The whole Methos storyline is rife with them! The parallels between Methos and Amanda always entertain me in particular. It's glorious.