Keep Hoping Machine Running

Secrets and lies, my friends, secrets and lies.

Best FF That Proves That, Well, Maybe You Can Go Home Again, but You Sure Can't Sleep There. Many Things Were Like Sleep, by someinstant. D.C. Universe, vaguely Tim Drake/Dick Grayson. Any set of stories about secrets and lies has to feature a Tim Drake story, and not just because I have this mildly sick love for him. See, Tim never especially enjoyed the secret aspect of being a hero (unlike, for example, Bruce Wayne, who clearly lives for it), but he built his life on lies anyway - hell, he built himself on lies. And now, in the canon, he's paying for it. (Paying, in my opinion, way too high a price, but that's another story.) Because, see, he thought he could just give up being Robin, put on the Tim suit, and go back to being a full-time teenager. Do I need to spell out why this isn't going to work? Didn't think so. I mean, there's some things even Tim can't do. So this is yet another Tim-jonesing-for-Robin story, except in this one, he's not the only one who wants Robin back. (Secret message to Tim: please, just test out of high school, move to Bludhaven with Nightwing, and give up on the whole normal thing. You aren't normal, and you never will be. And as for your parents - well, it's not like any other superhero has ever had a good relationship with his parents; did you think you'd be the first? It's time to face facts: you were born to fight crime. And fuck Dick Grayson.)

Best FF That Proves That a Fool and His Money Are Soon Parted. Especially If Alcohol Is Involved. Pool Series 1: Rack 'Em, by Emily Brunson, aka janissa11. Sports Night, Casey McCall-centric with a hint of Casey/Dan Rydell. (For further relationship developments, read the sequels, Running the Table and Going Penguin.) Casey has a secret. Actually, he's got a couple of them. And he's about to start coming clean. I don't know if every SN fan would buy this version of Casey, but I do. Because he's smart, yes, and geeky, and generally just a really good guy, but he also works that shtick a bit, if you see what I mean. When Dana said sometimes she didn't think Casey was very nice, I don't think she was kidding; he really does make good use of that lovable Midwestern farmboy bit, to the point where I keep expecting him to say "As you wish." I can totally see him keeping secrets, maybe even from Danny. But, hey, the truth will out.

Best FF That Proves That the Wish Is the Father of the Deed. Again, Especially If Alcohol Is Involved. Tell, by penknife. Harry Potter, Marauders-era, Remus Lupin/assorted. And, again, we've got a guy that just had to make an appearance in a secrets and lies set, because even in a secrets-ridden canon, Lupin stands out. He's been keeping at least one important secret for most of his life. (And if you read the canon the way I do, let's just say that it's good he had the lycanthropy for practice.) The only person who's keeping more secrets than Lupin is Snape, and we can't give all our love to the snarky Potions master of ill repute. (No, we really can't. Yes, I am well aware of the ongoing fannish effort to do so, but - look, let's not talk about this, OK? Just trust me that you have to look at other masters occasionally.) So in this story, we get a look at some of Lupin's early secret-keeping work, and...hmmm. He's not doing so well. But, hey, we have adolescence so that we can work out the flaws in our personalities and approaches to life in a safe environment, right? Whoops. Late-breaking news: that sentence should be amended to read "We have adolescence so that we can work out the flaws in our personalities and approaches to life in an environment guaranteed to cause as much lasting damage and pain as possible." Sorry for the error, and I'll ask the research department to be more timely with their input in the future. Sure explains a lot about my teen years, though. Wow.

Best FF That Proves That Honesty May Not Always Be the Best Policy, but It Beats the Hell out of Denial: Like That, by Debra Fran Baker, aka mamadeb. Due South, Fraser-centric. And warning, sensitive dS fans: this is not what we might call a fic burgeoning with joyous resolution. (I will of course be providing an alternate story, because one of the aforementioned dS sensitives knows where I sleep.) It is, however, a really nice look at what keeping secrets can do to you, especially when the person you're keeping the secret from is yourself. Fraser has a remarkable complement of self-destructive traits; one of the more subtle ones (i.e., one of the ones that doesn't lead directly to him standing in front of gun-toting bad guys while wearing a helpful target and a sign reading, "Shoot me to win big") is his need to be what people expect him to be. Other people see a Mountie, so he tries to be the ideal Mountie. Sometimes, folks, you have to be what you want instead of what other people demand. (This message brought to you by the Department for Excellence in Cliched, Trite, and Meaningless Sayings. Be sure to pick up our newest free pamphlet: "Achieving Success Through Time-Worn Sporting Metaphors," available in the lobby.)

-Or-

Best FF That Proves That a Friend in Need Is Not Only a Friend Indeed, but Possibly Also a Friend with His Tongue in Your Mouth. Target, by Speranza, aka cesperanza. Due South, Ray Kowalski/Benton Fraser. And at last, from that Queen of Certified Safe Alternate dS Stories, we have: a secrets-themed story that contains actual smut! And a reasonably happy ending! Yes, this is why all experienced slash readers have Speranza Shrines set up in our homes and gardens. (Tip of the day: burn coffee-scented incense before your morning prayers!) Mind you, this is not exactly a shiny happy story; it puts Fraser in the position of the kid standing alone at the edge of the playground, just waiting until the other kids get bored enough to torment him. But luckily - for all of us, actually - Fraser has Ray to protect him. And, eventually, to have sex with him in the back of a car.

Of course, Samuel Johnson probably was thinking of public amusements other than sex when he said that; I don't really think public sex is all that likely to focus the mind on thoughts good or clean. But, really, who wants thoughts like those?

Well, we don't. Obviously. So we have these stories, which aren't going to do much to keep us from vice, but which are, on the other hand, definitely way more entertaining than, for example, mime.

Best FF Featuring a Public Sex Location That Gets Ten out of Ten for Chutzpah and Zero out of Ten for Ambiance: Smut 3: Breakfast, by Grackle and Christy, and does anyone have links for either of them? Oz, Tobias Beecher/Christopher Keller. I'm developing a love/hate* relationship with Oz fan fiction that's almost as unhealthy as the major pairing in this fandom. That pairing, of course, is Beecher/Keller. In most seasons they go through more twists and turns and pain and blood and misery than the entire student body of your average American high school, but, luckily, you don't need to know anything about that to read this story, because this is pretty much your basic PWP. (For which thank god, because it's totally beyond my ability to explain, or indeed understand, the plot of this damn show.) And, really, pretty much any B/K sex that doesn't happen in an alternate universe has got to count as public sex to some degree; it's not like there's privacy in a prison. Even so, this story stands out. There's public sex and then there's borderline insanity, and this fic definitely leans to the latter. But then, hell, so does this whole fandom.

Best FF That Shows Us That Public Sex Is Sometimes Just a Prelude to Matchmaking: One Up, by cmshaw. Due South, Ray Kowalski/Ray Vecchio. Yes, it's a Ray/Ray story, and therefore I will be offering a Certified Safe Alternate Story for those people who cannot take their dS in any flavor other than Kowalski/Fraser. But, actually, I think this story will upset Vecchio lovers far more than K/F addicts; basically, this is Ray/Ray as a springboard to K/F, with Vecchio acting like, well, a bit of a jerk. And this all happens in the men's room at the 27th, thus once again demonstrating that said men's room is one of the Sex Spots for this particular fandom. (The others, of course, are: Canadian shack, the GTO, and Ray's apartment.) This is the Public Toilet of Hot Man Lovin', folks, and while that concept is both scary and slightly vile, it works. Or certain writers make it work, even though I sometimes wish that the precinct's Sex Spot had been the stairwell. Or, hell, the supply closet. Anywhere, really, that wouldn't involve people on their knees in a men's room, violating, if not health regulations, at least every possible measure of common sense.

-Or-

Best FF That Shows That Any Cultural Divide Can Be Bridged with Sensitivity, Understanding, Intelligence, and Hot Gay Sex. And If the International Diplomatic Community Knew This, I Think We'd All Pay a Lot More Attention to Foreign Affairs. So to Speak. Translating Fahrenheit to Celsius, by Speranza, aka cesperanza. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. Here's the alternate story for those who just can't cope with Ray/Ray. And I'm proud to report that it's another story set in that famed Public Toilet of Hot Man Lovin' (and, really, I think the Chicago Tourism Board ought to capitalize on this, although I suppose finding someone to lead, say, guided tours would be sort of challenging). But even though this story does in fact feature sex, it's really about how Fraser communicates and how Ray translates. And I love the way Ray's translations work here, via his intuition, his intelligence, and his abiding love for Fraser. Really, what F/K fan could ask for anything more? (By the way, you translate Fahrenheit to Celsius thusly: (T_f - 32) * (5/9) = T_c. There. Now we can all pretend that FF is an educational pursuit. I mean, educational about things other than unusual and imaginative lubricants, and I actually wish FF was just a little less educational about that.)

Best FF Featuring the Worst Song Lyrics Ever, Namely "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I've Got Love in My Tummy." And Please, Please Let This Also Be the Only FF Featuring That Song, Because There's Only So Much a Person Can Take. Slackened Ties, by anniesj. Harry Potter, Remus Lupin/Sirius Black (in Marauders time). Does the Gryffindor common room count as public sex? I'm voting yes, and not just because the word "common" is right there in the name of the place; when you think of all the potential for magical eavesdropping, every location in the Potterverse is at least sort of public, but the Gryffindor common room is especially so. (That fireplace! The ghosts! Mrs. Norris!) Unlike the other stories I'm offering today, the public sex in this one has consequences, if you can call getting interrupted by a good friend consequences. And I have to admit I love this story not so much for the smut, although it is smutty and good, but rather for the reaction of said friend, which elevated this to a whole other level for me. (I think Sports Night has broken me, folks; I now like banter more than smut. Soon I won't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror.) The reaction is just so - well, I'd say in-character, except that the canon has hardly given us any character for the Marauders in their schooldays, so I'll have to go with - right. (In case you got lost in that bugger of a sentence, the content, to the extent that there was any, was: "The reaction is just so right.") And how can you not love a story that ends with James on the prowl? Every story needs James Potter on the prowl! Well, no, I take that back. But this one is definitely the better for it.

Best FF That Demonstrates That the Road to Emotional Healing Is Paved with Good Gay Sex: Downed, by Jack, aka buggery. Batclan, Dick Grayson/Tim Drake. This is another Tim-after-Robin story; I used to be pissed off about Tim shucking his costume (in, you know, the permanent sense), but it's given us such a lot of quality FF that I'm beginning to feel uncomfortably grateful for it. (This, incidentally, is yet more proof of the Law of Canon Cruelty, which states: "As canon writers become more cruel, fan fiction authors become more creative." But let us all stay focused on the first corollary to the Law of Canon Cruelty: "But that doesn't mean we have to forgive the canon writers, or even, in exceptional cases - Tom Fontana, Joss Whedon, Marvel - refrain from throwing vegetables at them in the street.") So. Tim isn't Robin anymore. And who better to help him through this difficult transitional period than the only other person who has survived Robinhood? (Yes, that was an intentional pun. Yes, I am sorry. Yes, I will be punishing myself later.) And what better way to begin the process of coping than with sex in a public alley? I mean, sure, mental health professionals might argue with that statement, but I know this much is true - even the very best mental health professional would go catatonic if confronted with even a quarter of the Batclan's collected insanity. So, really, I don't think we can listen to them on this one.

-Footnote-

* Fan fiction is having a seriously deleterious effect on my view of a certain punctuation mark. Am I the only one who looked at "love/hate" and thought, wow, there's a pairing I'd read? Um. Actually, I probably am.

The subtitle of today's entry should either be "Everything That Is Wrong with FF Today" or "Everything That Is Right with FF Today." Depending on, you know, your perspective. Because today I am exploring that very pure thing: pure, pure smut.

Yes, I'm talking about everyone's favorite maligned fan fiction genre: porn without plot. Or, if you prefer, plot? What plot? (I myself prefer the former, but everyone else on Earth appears to prefer the latter. Since this is an entirely me-centrist LJ, I'll be going with my own preference here.)

PWP is like free verse; anyone with a sixth-grade vocabulary can write it, but it takes real talent to write it well. And bad PWP, like bad poetry, is excruciating to read. There's a lot of bad PWP out there, I'm sorry to report, which has given rise to the common perception that PWP fan fiction is all awful. It isn't.

At least, it isn't for those of us sitting over in the pervert corner.

Best FF That Demonstrates the Use of Batsuit Body Armor as a Sex Toy, and a Damn Fine One, Too. But Then, I Always Suspected as Much. Dodge-Town, by shrift. D.C. Universe, Dick Grayson (Nightwing)/Tim Drake (Robin III). This is another sex pollen story; someday someone will explain to me why sex pollen works so very, very well. And someone else will explain why there aren't way more sex pollen stories than there already are. And then I will understand the mysteries of the universe. But what's fantastic about this particular sex pollen fic? I assume you mean aside from the inherent appeal of Nightwing on sex pollen, which is one of those things that requires no discussion; another one, of course, is Tim (Tim of the evening, beautiful Tim!) managing a sex-pollen'd Nightwing. Otherwise - well, did I mention the lovely, lovely sex? I mean, yes, goes without saying in PWP, but still - smut. Smut good! And this story has one of my very favorite morning-after sequences. All real-life mornings after should be like this one: full of excess carbohydrates and motorcycles and totally angst-free. (Join me, won't you, in Citizens for an Angst-Free Tomorrow? I'm the recording secretary of the Morning After Subcommittee, and we have excellent refreshments at all our meetings. They are chock full of Bad Carbs, but no one is allowed to feel guilty.)

Best FF That Demonstrates the Use of Pretty Much Every Aspect of Singing on Stage as a Sex Toy. And, Yes, Most Concerts Also Do That, but This FF Does It Better. Much, Much Better. Swim, by Sheila, aka mimesere. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Oz/Devon. Yes. And why not? Devon is a lead singer, people, and while I may not be a popslash reader, I know one thing: after a few years of publicly deep-throating a microphone, lead singers just naturally swing all possible ways. Or maybe that's only in my own overheated little world. But Devon must be a total slut, people; I mean, I suppose I'd be willing to entertain a rebuttal for the sake of inclusiveness, but I don't think you'll persuade me. (Opinions expressed here absolutely do represent those of the management of this specific LJ. Responsible opposing viewpoints - and especially irresponsible ones - may be submitted care of the comments section. They will not be edited for clarity, because coherence is over-rated. No warranty is expressed or implied. Read at your own risk. And for god's sake don't use a hair dryer while you're taking a bath; I'm not sure why this needs to be stated, but judging from my hair dryer's documentation, that's the very first use that springs to the average owner's mind.) I sort of forgot where I was going with this, which is the hidden danger of legal disclaimers, so you'll just have to explore this story on your own. But here's a hint: this night, Devon wants Oz on his knees, incoherent and begging. And when it comes to sex, Devon always gets what he wants. Note that this fic stops before the characters get down to the serious sex, and it still manages to be PWP. Be impressed, folks.

Best FF That Demonstrates the Use of Denim as a Sex Toy. Really, It Should Be a Law: These Guys Are Only Allowed to Wear Jeans If They're Willing to Have Sex in Them. Sadistic Sons of Bitches in Jeans, by Caroline Baker, aka linabean, and Lizard, aka adannu. Sports Night, Dan Rydell/Casey McCall (because the world would end if it wasn't, no?). We join this sex scene already in progress, and if there was ever a good use of the in media res technique, this would be it. (Oh, sure, some people would point to various Star Wars movies as the, excuse me, stellar in media res examples. They clearly haven't read this fic. Or seen The Phantom Menace, especially the Love and Sand Sequence, which induces rashes and madness in all who behold it.) Because, really, when you eliminate all the detail about how they got together and how they got in bed and who said what to whom and when and why, what's left is the essence of smut. (Essence of Smut, by Calvin Klein. I want to see some print ads for that perfume, I tell you.) Though I think this story is an excellent specimen of the genus fan fiction, species PWP, it may actually be too smutty for those of you lot who just can't do without some redeeming value in your smut. If that's you, well, you have my sympathy. And you'll get an extra rec, too, to replace this one. The rest of you: enjoy.

Best FF That Demonstrates the Use of Characters Played by Callum Keith Rennie as Sex Toys. Just the One Character, Actually, but I'm Told This Use Extends to Any of His Roles, Even the "Sexy Lump of Granite" One. Want, by estrella30. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. How do I love my Fraser? Let me count the ways, and let me start with all the various twisted or suppressed aspects of his personality. Number 34 on that sublist ("Fraser's Repressions: the First Thousand") is definitely the way he can be a prisoner of his own self-control, unable to leave the Mountie suit behind even when he's actually got on his much-worn relaxed-fit jeans and his over-washed blue flannel shirt. (No, I do not know for a fact that he has any such clothing. But that's how I picture him, 'cause he never quite belongs in the Big Red Gay Pants in my mind.) FF writers are, naturally, rather interested in helping him with the whole getting-out-of-the-Mountie-suit problem, possibly because we of the FF community are just such a caring bunch. Or maybe because we enjoy our lives more when Fraser is removing the Mountie suit, preferably slowly and with lascivious intent. Whichever. So, in any case, here we have a fine example of FF of the category PWP, subcategory Freeing Fraser. What's not to love?

Best FF That Demonstrates the Use of a Sponge Bath as a Sex Toy. Or, Actually, the Use of the British Military Man as a Sex Toy. Sharpe's Colonel, by cinzia. Sharpe books, Richard Sharpe/Jean Gudin. I'm doing this as a bonus story in honor of my own current attempt to get to grips with the Sharpe canon. (May I say, in passing, that these are bloody, bloody books? So bloody that you probably don't even want to read the rest of this parenthetical comment if you're squeamish. The first three pages of Sharpe's Tiger feature one explicit shooting death, complete with eviscerated rib, and several plague deaths, complete with aspirated vomit. And then there's the detailed descriptions of the behavior of vultures, complete with disgusting metaphor. War is not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach, and neither is this book.) Cinzia brings her customary class and elegance to this story, this time showing us that porn can lack plot and still have all the right moves - perfect characterization, spot-on dialog, narrative that blends with the canon's, and even a canon tie-in so good you sort of wonder if Cornwell didn't intend this all along. Clearly, Cinzia should be writing more PWP. And you should be reading what she's already written.

I am reading a great, great book, a book that has healed my soul. Said book is Eats, Shoots & Leaves, which has made me feel a lot better about caring more about apostrophe use and the Oxford comma than, for example, the environment. I'm assuming everyone out there has already read this book, but if you have somehow overlooked it - really, purchase it at once. Your joy will expand without limit, I promise you.

So, in tribute to this (grand, delightful, even orgasmic) book, I am offering a selection of fan fiction related to language or linguistics - fan fiction, in short, designed to appeal to the word nerd in all of us. (Because there is a word nerd in all of us, right? Of course there is. I cannot believe otherwise.)

Word nerds unite! You have nothing to lose but inappropriately-used punctuation! And your sanity, of course, but that was living on borrowed time anyway.

Best FF That Demonstrates That You Can Tell Pretty Much Everything About a Relationship, or for That Matter a Person, by Looking at Dictionary Use: Prolix, by Dira Sudis, aka dsudis. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. It was tough to choose just one language-themed story from this fandom, because this is one fandom that really gets the importance of word-related fan fiction. But, in the end, I had to go with this story, because it lives in my mind (and heart) at the intersection of my language bitchiness and my fan fiction love: the perfect blend, at least for me, of the things I hold dear in life. (Well, some of them; I do have loves and interests besides smut and English. I mean, yes, I'm pathetic, but no one is that pathetic.) Kowalski is expanding his vocabulary. Fraser is watching, and I don't mean just watching Kowalski's dictionary use. And, speaking of dictionaries, there is a detail of Fraser's history in this story that is so perfect, so exactly right, that I completely believe it; that detail has been written into canon in my brain. It just feels that true. Although, for the record, a good vocabulary is not the usual result of poor parenting, so no one should try that at home.

Best FF That Demonstrates That True Love Is Never Needing a Thesaurus: Two Words for the Same Thing, by Bastet, aka sweetvalleyslut. Sports Night, Dan Rydell/Casey McCall. Reason number 1,239 why you should love Sports Night: canon word nerds. Slashy canon word nerds! It's a dream come true, frankly: smart, funny men who have the perfect way with words and are so clearly in love that it's impossible not to hum "O Perfect Love" every time they smile at each other, or in fact have any kind of interaction. Here Danny and Casey demonstrate that there is nothing sexier than a person who has an extensive knowledge of synonyms and corrects other people during important conversations. (Because that is sexy, right?) Another amazing thing about this story: it's an all-dialog fic that works. Of course, if there was ever a TV show that was essentially all dialog, Sports Night was it, so it's not exactly shocking that this works, but it does show how well the author gets the Sorkin sound. (And there's also a bonus word nerd in the form of Jeremy, who asks the question about Quo Vadimus that has been bothering me ever since the first time I read the name. I love Jeremy. And not just because he makes everyone else on Earth look relatively un-nerdy, though that definitely helps.)

Best FF That Features Tim Simultaneously Acting Like an Adolescent Boy, an Adolescent Girl, a Member of the Batfamily, and Tim. But Mostly Tim.: Question of Semantics, by weirdnessmagnet. D.C. Universe, Tim Drake (Robin III)/Dick Grayson (Nightwing). The author describes this as "schmangst," and she's got that right, but this is so how the birdboys would do schmangst. Tim wants everyone to be as perfect and subtle as he is. Dick wants everyone to be as open and direct as he is. And, in the end, it all boils down to semantics. And, of course, the two of them work it out through hot sex, because, really, Tim and Dick were made for PWP. Word nerd bonus: Tim has special words he hates! That is just so perfectly, lovably Tim, and it makes me feel such a bond of sympathy with him that I'm actually sort of scared, because identification with a member of the Batclan is one of the seven warning signs of insanity. (They don't tell you this, but most psychologists have dumped the DSM, with all its revisions and finicky, ever-changing criteria, in favor of the simpler and more accurate Superheroic and Mutant Diagnostic Manual. Clinicians love it, and patients feel much more comfortable when their mental disorders are expressed in terms of Marvel v. D.C. v. independent. Demand the SMDM today!)

Best Use of a Tattoo in Fan Fiction Ever, and I Say This as Someone Who Likes Her Fan Fiction Inky: Alignment, by Pares, aka kormantic. The Dark Is Rising, Bran Davies/Will Stanton (with implied John Rowlands/Owen Davies, unless I've completely lost my mind). I'm not sure why this story appealed to my language geek as much as it did. (Actually, I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the last lines, and possibly also something to do with the fandom. I mean, the canon has the greatest imaginary book ever, so naturally this fandom would call to those of us with a literature kink.) In "Alignment," Will and Bran meet again, years after the events of Silver on the Tree, and they get together. Because, clearly, they were destined for each other. I will hear no argument on this point. Pares's view of Will and Bran is a little unusual, but in a good way. And then there's the tattoo, which is total genius; I need Bran to have this tattoo, and that's all there is to it. And did I mention the last lines? I see I did. But I'm mentioning them again, because, wow, that's just...so...I mean...they're just...let me start over. The last few lines, especially the last things Will and Bran say to each other, please my inner language geek to the point where she's dazed and incoherent. (Well, obviously.) Yeah, I could do with a lot more FF like this.

This set is all about what we wear and what it says about us, or rather, what our beloved characters wear and what that says about them, because this is fandom, where we don't so much navel-gaze as gaze into the navels of entirely other people, many of whom are fictional. And we don't limit ourselves to just navels, either.

However, in a tribute to navel-gazing (the official sport of California!), I have decided to make this set all about me. Well, I'm making the titles all about me, and I'm selfishly picking stories from some of my favorite fandoms, including the ones y'all are insanely tired of, so - yeah. All about me. Go me!

Best FF That Implies That There Are People in This World Who Don't Appreciate Being Dragged to the Bedroom and Told to Take Their Clothes off Slowly. Which Is Certainly News to Me, and Unwelcome News at That. Adorned and the sequel Borealis, by Resonant, aka resonant8. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. This is one of the stories I read first in this fandom, and it ruined me for PWP for at least, oh, a week. Because this? Is maybe the ultimate Kowalski and Fraser character study. Every line tells us something important about one or both of the guys, and the sex would be unimportant if it wasn't just as revealing. Here we have the difference between the outer Fraser (god-Mountie, worshipped everywhere above 40 degrees north, known for cleanliness and smiling in the face of fate's cruelty) and the inner Fraser (I'll let Resonant surprise you). Here we also have the inner and outer Kowalski. And we get a nice long look at how they manage their appearances. And was not that just the worst story summary ever? It was. So, look, I cannot summarize this at all, obviously. But it's good - great, actually - and it's got a happy ending, provided you read the sequel. And it's got the ritual exchange of jewelery and other adornments analyzed in enough detail to spur three or four anthropology dissertations. Just read it, OK?

Best FF That Describes Wee Blair Sandburg as Little Orphan Annie, and, You Know, I Can Totally See It. And I Bet He'd Have Made That Godawful Movie Much More Interesting, Though I Don't Know That I Want to Hear Him Sing. Dork, by Francesca, aka cesperanza, and Miriam Heddy, aka miriam_heddy. The Sentinel, Jim Ellison/Blair Sandburg. Yes, I did have to include a TS rec today, because some evil person linked me to the Sentinel mah jongg game, which is impossible and which never fails to give me a headache (itty bitty tiles featuring itty bitty pictures of Jim and Blair, including some that are nearly identical), but which I nonetheless cannot stop playing. I suspect subliminal mind-control, frankly. So, anyway, I've had TS on my mind a lot lately, because this game has little sound bites as well as little pictures and sometimes bigger pictures, and I thought it was time to reacquaint myself with those aspects of these guys that aren't related to a Chinese tile game. What better way to do that than to dress 'em up, or, rather, to let two very skilled authors dress 'em up? In this story, Blair cuts his hair (!) and gets in touch with his inner nebbish, and Jim loses his mind and gets in touch with his inner gay lust monster. I think we can all agree that that is a mighty appealing concept.

Best FF That Features Pink* Flip-Flops and Pink Baby Booties and Yet Is Not at All Girly and Does Not Feature Any Actual Babies. Sports Night, the Fandom of Internal Contradictions, How I Love Thee! Tin Men, by Punk, aka runpunkrun. Sports Night, Dan Rydell/Casey McCall. The SN lovefest continues on this LJ with this story, which combines some of my favorite elements of the show: Danny's snitfests, Casey's cluelessness, waist-down sartorial weirdness (live pants-free anchoring is canon, folks, and I've seen the episode that proves it!), killer dialog, and fantastic supporting characters. "Tin Men" incorporates all that in a light-hearted, funny, frothy mixture, and it throws in an established Casey/Danny relationship, which is all the canon needed to make it perfect. (Well, I believe that said relationship is canon, but I still want them to come out and say it.) So, basically, this story is exactly like the show. I think I'm required by law (or at least by fanofall, Procurator-General and Sports Night Pimp Mama) to note that if you like this story you should probably try a few episodes of the show, because if you don't, babies the world over will develop debilitating earaches. But, hey, don't feel pressured or anything.

Best FF That Made Me Secretly and Pathetically Proud of My Results on the Which Teen Titan Are You? Quiz. I Was Tim. I Am Cool. Albeit In a Truly Geeky and Pitiable Way. Management Strategies, by weirdnessmagnet. Teen Titans, Tim Drake/Kon. (Can somebody remind me what Kon's last name is, please? I've got superhero-induced memory rot.) I hope it's a surprise to no one that Tim's not Robin anymore. If it is, um... Hey! Guess what? Tim's not Robin anymore! So, how will our anal-retentive, obsessive-compulsive, multiple-persona-loving Boy Wonder cope now that he's out of spandex and kevlar forever? (Or, you know, until DC figures out what to do with him.) Weirdness Magnet has the answer, which turns out to be, "not as well as you'd expect given how well he handled the massive strangeness of the Batfamily, although still better than 85% of superheroes would." Tim's learning to be a Real Boy, and he's finding it just about as easy and pain-free as Pinocchio did, provided you're judging by the XXX-rated movie Pin-POKE-me-o: Pinocchio's Adventures on the Island of Dominatrix Toys (probably not a real movie). But, hey, there's an upside: he may not be a superhero right now, but he can still have sex with them. On the couch. In his father's house. See? He really is learning how to be a real teenager!

-Footnote-

* Apparently the flip-flops are not textually pink. But the author doesn't say what color they are, so I feel free to imagine that they are pink, and I intend to make full use of said freedom.

Or, in some cases, two merry boys and one merry girl. Yes, it's another round of threesome FF. And this time, instead of triangulation or triangles or other things that merely involve three people, I'm going back to my roots: true threesomes. Three people, one bed, and fewer complications than you'd expect. Provided you're already fairly cynical.

Best FF Touting the Value of Threesomes As Therapy, Though Whether It's Recreational Therapy or Occupational Therapy I Cannot Say: Every Which Ray, by Ineke Meyer, aka ineke. Due South, Ray Kowalski/Benton Fraser/Ray Vecchio. You know, this totally illustrates why I am not a fan fiction writer. If someone had suggested this pairing to me, I would've said, well, no. Or, OK, maybe, in the sense that I can sort of see how it would happen, but it'd take, like, a minimum of 20,000 words to explain everything before these three got into bed together. Turns out there's another solution: skip straight to the sex. See, the guys here are totally in character, believably in character, so I was happy to suspend my disbelief (in the case of this story, it's only appropriate that my disbelief was suspended from the ceiling in a vibrating electronic leather swing). I got to the end, said "wow" in appropriately awed tones, and started working on persuading my disbelief to return to me (it sort of got, um, enthralled with the vibrating swing, and we will in fact probably have to go into mediation now), and it was only then that I realized that this story has to stand alone. I can hardly imagine what would come after this sequence, except that I'm sort of worried that it involve RayK punching RayV in the mouth. I absolutely can't imagine what led up to this. And yet it works. It really works. And that, people, is why ineke is a way cool writer, albeit one apparently (and, one hopes, temporarily), sick of thinking about Fraser's cock, and I am merely a recommender, albeit one happy with her lot. (Happier, anyway, than I am with my disbelief at this moment.)

Best FF That Demonstrates That We Really Shouldn't Limit Ourselves Just to Baseball When It Comes to Sports Metaphors for Sex: Two-Player Game, by Bone, aka thisisbone. Sports Night, Danny Rydell/Casey McCall/Stacey Kerr. This story illustrates both why Danny is a dangerous, dangerous friend for Casey, and why Casey totally needs him. Because Casey is, by default, the good boy, even when he wants to be bad. And Danny can persuade him to do anything. Well, OK, maybe that last part is only true in my sick little mind. But I - and I am so insanely proud of this, I can't even begin to tell you about it - I have just finished watching the scene involving Stacey Kerr in the actual show, thanks to the Queen of Fandom Pimps, fanofall, and I can completely believe that this is how it ended. (Side note, also gleaned from the same scene: Casey dances like a great big geek. Seriously. I will be nominating him for lifetime membership in the Dances Like Gits society at our next annual meeting.) Actually, I'm willing to make an argument that this is how the series finale should've gone. Although I understand the network might've had something to say about that.

Best FF That Gives Us Another Metaphor for Arwen's Choice to Be Human. And I for One Think This Is Way Better Than the Whole Book-Dropping Scene, Which Was, Face It, Pretty Lame.: In the Silent Forest Listening, by Cathain, aka casapazzo. Lord of the Rings, Arwen/Aragorn/Boromir. Aragorn/Boromir writers often neglect the whole Arwen thing in favor of the hot gay sex. And, hey, I'm all for hot gay sex, but that doesn't mean you get to ignore the pre-existing canon relationship. My favorite way of coping with this builds on Arwen's elvishness; when you live forever, how does some minor mortal need really bother you? It's not like it's going to last. This story, though, goes the other direction, and turns out that totally works, too. Here, Arwen's showing her human side, being insecure and just the weest bit blindsided. She's got an answer to her problems, too - and it is just such a human one; she going to hop into bed - well, OK, hop into a forest glade, but that doesn't have the same ring - with her betrothed and his boyfriend. Hey, I'm sure the Relationship Knowledge Base documents this solution somewhere.

Best FF That Shows Us That Threesomes Can Resolve Leftover Issues from Your School Career and Force You to Get Your Life on Track Again. Yay Threesomes, the Cure for Every Ill!: Sodomite, by ivyblossom. Harry Potter, Harry Potter/Cho Chang/Draco Malfoy. Yeah, you read that right. For the record, this is an aged-up fic; they're all over 18, so no squickishness there. Also for the record, this story is unbeta'd, and it does show, mostly in typos and spellchecker errors; my fellow pedants and grammar bitches are duly warned. But you know? It's worth it. It's worth it because of the characterizations, first. I mean, one of the great things about HP is that there are so many possible interpretations of every character. I can see Harry turning out this way, going passive and aimless when the Big Bad is defeated - I mean, really, how does advancing up the ol' career ladder matter when you spent your entire adolescence saving the world more often than you changed your socks? And wars do change people, especially those on the losing side, so Draco's going to be different, and I can see the potential in him to go this way. And Cho? I'm totally biased, because I think I knew this Cho, but still. I love what ivyblossom has done with her here. (Yes, I know, I sound like I'm a character decorator: "Oh, honey, I just love what you've done with her motivations - so neo-Edwardian! And look at this marvelous values treatment! Tres slut-chic, darling, perfect.") So, to sum: go for the threesome of threesomes. Stay for the characterization. And, you know, while you're there, you might as well admire the threesomes again.

(Note on the title: I flirted briefly with "kiss me and be quiet" as a title for this post, but it just seemed so right to use Marlowe. In fact, I may use Marlowe as often as possible in the near future; he's perfect for the Slashies, and he'll make such a lovely change from Shakespeare and The Bible.)

Today, we'll look at kissing. And not just kissing on the road to something else; this is just kissing, only kissing, nothing but kissing. Sounds dull, you say? Look. Do you remember when kissing was new and strange and weird and yet totally fascinating and you could spend a whole afternoon doing nothing else? Think of these stories as a way of revisiting those long-lost days.

Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss, yes. But sometimes it's a hell of a lot more. Wondering when or how or why? Read on.

Best FF That Explains Sexuality in Terms of Writing Skill. Oh, Wait, That's What Most FF Does, Isn't It?: A Better Writer for It, by Anna-Maria Jennings (sorry, but her front page doesn't work, at least for me, so that's the best link I've got for her - does anyone know if she has a LJ?). Sports Night, Danny Rydell/Casey McCall. I figured I might just as well get the now-obligatory SN story out of the way first. But, actually, this is a fascinating story. For one thing, it's one of the longer pieces I've read built around just a kiss (well, OK, two kisses); it's divided into two parts, so be sure to click 'next' at the bottom of the page. For another, this is unusual for the fandom. In SN canon, it seems to me that Casey and Danny need each other, and need each other equally. Oh, yeah, on a given bad day or during a given bad experience one may need the other a lot more, but overall, it balances. And that, I think, is one of the things that makes their relationship successful (and so, so slashable). So it's sort of unfortunate that in many SN stories the need is all one way - usually, but not always, Danny needing Casey. This fic isn't like that; in fact, I'd argue that the major point of this story is Danny realizing just how mutual their need really is. So, you know, insanely excessive analysis there, but my point is: good story. Read it. And if the analysis didn't convince you, read it because it contains one of my favorite non-humorous lines ever from any fic.

Best FF That Makes Me Say, "Hey, Slashfen, They're Playing Our Song": Undercover, by Halrloprillalar, aka prillalar. Gundam Wing, Duo/Heero. See, now, this is why I loved the Week of Boy Kissage; it gave us lots of stories outside the usual fandoms and outside the usual patterns of FF. Here we have the classic Gay Defense Maneuver, only things don't turn out quite the way they usually do. (May I say here and now that I'd pay good money to see a Hollywood movie turn out this way after two "straight" men pull the Gay Defense?) And, see, this story has everything I'm learning to love about Gundam Wing FF - a repressed, manly (yes, manly, even though he's drawn like a transsexual cat), uberhero Heero who just cries out to be put in uncomfortable, embarrassing, or unmanly situations, and a boundy, gleeful, amusing Duo who apparently lives to do just that. Gundam Wing fic: because we're laughing with Duo. And at Heero.

Best FF That Demonstrates That Chicago Is Where One Goes to Have Dramatic Insights into One's Life. Does This Explain O'Hare? Can Anything Explain O'Hare?: The Outline of a Circle, by pearl_o. Due South, Ray Kowalski/Benton Fraser, Ray Vecchio/Stella Kowalski. This is, again, an unusual story - maybe kissing-only stories just tend to deviate from the norm. (Although in all honesty I must admit that there is another sex act here, but it's, shall we say, solitary. And Fraser treats jerking off more or less like brushing his teeth - something that must be done, and done properly, for reasons of hygiene. But that's no reason to enjoy it or anything.) What's so unusual about this story? Well, Fraser and Ray spend most of the story apart, Fraser in Chicago and Ray in Canada. That's not exactly normal. And we only get to see Fraser's perspective; we have to trust him to know what's going on in the duet, because we never hear from Ray. And you'll have to admit that a quiet Kowalski has the value of scarcity. And then there's the ending. Which you'll just have to read the story to see.

Best FF That Shows Us the Aphrodisiac Nature of Mud and Puddles: September Song, by Natalka. The Dark Is Rising, Will/Bran. (This fic is part of a series; you can find the other stories at the link for the author, above. I couldn't find a better link for her.) I think those of us who have read the stories will all agree that if Will and Bran are going to kiss, this is where they'd have to do it. Everything else important in their shared lives happens here. Take careful note of the time setting here, because when I first read this I thought they were younger than they are. It's actually kind of nice to see Will, who seemed to spend his childhood going for the title "Oldest Person in Any Given Room, and That Includes Rooms in Nursing Homes," acting like a boy here. (I almost wrote "real boy," but it gave me this horrible Will-Pinocchio hybrid image. And no one is to take that as a crossover plot bunny. Eeeww.)

Kink is one of those mysterious things that is defined differently by each person. Person A may believe that spanking is the very essence of the perverse, while Person B believes that spanking is an essential component of any sexual act more involved than hugging. (Real problems can occur when Person A and Person B get into bed together.) That makes it tough to put together a set of kinky fan fiction, especially since my own personal definition of kink is - well, let's just say potentially quite different from other people's. So I've composed this set from stories defined as kinky by their authors, or by a third party - in other words, I filed it under "kink" if someone posted it or linked to it with a kink warning label.

Read on. Because, really, can't we all use more kink in our lives?

Best FF That Leaves Me Seriously Confused about Its Title: Vibe, by shayheyred. Due South, Ray Kowalski/OMC, Ray Kowalski/Stella. Yes, I can hear the horrified gasps of the RayK/Fraser fans even now. Look, read it, OK? It's set way back in time, and it's all about the interesting effect Steve McQueen had on Ray. (Was Steve McQueen that popular back in the day, or is it just that Ray mentions McQueen at some point in the canon? Because I could actually do a whole noms set just on stories involving Ray Kowalski and Steve McQueen.) And it's light, and more or less cheery, and short, so even K/F 'shippers should be able to read this with ease. But if you can't, yes, there will be an alternate story at the end. I'm not sure of the title because of the way this was posted to ds_flashfiction; it could also be called "Kink," or in fact "Ray Gets Down With Harley." Clarification would be appreciated.

Best FF That Almost Made Me Like Women's Shoes, Even Though I Hate All Shoes with a Great and Lasting Passion, and Actually Made Me Vaguely Wish My Best Beloved Would Give Me a Gift of Shoes, Even Though Normally I Would Take That As a Grave Insult: Not Kinky, Per Se, by Caroline Baker, aka linabean. Sports Night, Danny Rydell/Casey McCall. So. Danny has an interest in women's shoes, which Caroline Baker claims is canon (and you know what? I believe her, because it fits right in with everything else that's canon), and Casey has a tie kink, which I bet makes his career choice both obvious and difficult. (Although at least he has the desk in front of him in case of major, um, lapses while on air.) Clearly these guys were meant to be together, and I don't want to hear any argument on that score - they even have complementary kinks. In this story, Casey is getting his apartment redone, and Danny has some interesting commentary on previous times Casey has stayed with him, and, well, it's the happy kind of SN fic. Do you need to know more?

Best FF Containing the Phrase "Fuck Pig," Which Phrase Is Actually Probably Banned by Several Proposed Laws Currently Undergoing Congressional Scrutiny: Throwback, by Valentin, and if she has a LJ, I would love to hear about it. The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. It isn't as though I would want a law banning the phrase "fuck pig" to pass. I'd think there was something seriously wrong with the Senators and Representatives from my state if they supported such legislation. But there's also this: the one time someone used the phrase on me during sex (yes, really), I fell out of bed laughing. (Well, it was one of those narrow college dorm room beds; any abrupt movement led inevitably to the floor. And bruising.) So I view "fuck pig" as an essentially unsexy and humorous phrase. Somehow, thought, this story manages to transcend the use of both "fuck pig" and "piggy," which is impressive enough that it would deserve a nomination even if the rest of it sucked, which it does not. Be aware, though, that if you have serious problems with non-con, the first part of this could be unpleasant for you. (If it bothers you, scan to the end. I think you'll feel better.) You know what? I'm going to throw in an alternate story for this one, too, so people who don't want to read a vaguely non-connish story involving fuck pigs don't have to. (Though, really, I don't think you'll be sorry if you do.)

Best FF That Suggests a Fascinating Alternative to All Those Team-Building Management Seminars: Wally West and the Crack of Doom, by Sarah T., aka harriet_spy. Justice League, I think, though the DCU would be much easier for dilettante fans if they didn't use the same characters over and over, just at different formative periods in their lives, in every damn series. Flash/Superman, Flash/Batman. (He needs only one more *man superhero to qualify for a set of steak knives! I suggest Spiderman, though other people may not agree.) The odd part is that Sarah says this is canon, and if that's true, I can only think that slashers have taken over the asylum. Which would actually explain a lot of the recent output of both DC and Marvel. (See, for example, The Proof of Rictor and Shatterstar's Love, especially this scan, although every scan is worth viewing. Thanks, greenet!) The kink in question - yes, I'm back to talking about the story - is spanking. If you don't like spanking, you should read this anyway, because it's hysterical.

-Alternate Stories-

Best FF That Could Be Used As a Recruiting Tool for the U.S. Army. In Certain Populations.: Thought About the Army, by Kass, aka kassrachel. The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. I recommended "Throwback" instead of this one because they're both good, and I assume everyone's already read this one. (If you haven't, why haven't you? And you call yourself a slash fan. Read all of Kass's stuff immediately.) For some reason, TS writers seem to assume that the natural progression of Jim and Blair's relationship is: friends, UST, RST, eternal commitment, BDSM. (Not that I'm arguing - hey, I'm all for the BDSM, and it certainly does enliven long-term relationships, but why does everyone conclude that Jim will go from lusting after Blair to fucking Blair to handcuffing him to a light fixture?) Here we have a perfect example of true excellence in a long-term relationship. Jim has a sexual need. With prompting, he communicates it to Blair. Blair meets said need enthusiastically. And with silk neckties. (Well, I mean, what other use would Blair have for a necktie?) I'm not saying bondage is necessary for a long-term relationship, mind you. But it certainly adds to the fun. (NOTE: Apparently my brain was not functioning when I selected this alternate; it actually has more non-con in it than "Throwback." I'm picking a second alternate, which will be TS and certified non-con free. See below.)

Best FF That Could Be Used As a Recruiting Tool for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. In Certain Populations.: Look, Officer, I Can Explain Everything..., by cmshaw. Due South, Ray Kowalski/Some Confusion, Ray Kowalski/Benton Fraser. This one is the alternate for all those folks who gag when they see a pairing that isn't RayK/Fraser. The first part of this story made me laugh so hard that I had to take a break before I could read the second and third parts. (I had a stitch in my side, and my dogs were regarding me with real worry.) Plus, it really changed my impression of marmalade, which I've always considered a cruel and unusual thing to do to citrus fruits, but I now view as something you'd want to have on hand in case a Mountie ever dropped by. To sum: this story has humor, a frightening look at Thatcher's sex life, an amusing look at Fraser's fantasy life, kink, and marmalade. Really, what are you waiting for?

-Addendum-

Best FF That Clearly Delineates the Difference Between Fantasy and Reality, Thus Getting My Butt off the Hook. So to Speak.: A Night of It, by Anna S., aka eliade. The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. And this is the last TS story I'm recommending in this post, even if it suddenly spawns a non-con situation. This is another classic, another great story, another long-time fic, another bondage story, distinguished by the total lack of the slightest hint of non-consensual sex, except in fantasy, and I think it's pretty clear from the start that it is only fantasy. So we should all thank Anna S. for coming up with a story that I could recommend without feeling lingering guilt about consent issues, and we should all be very grateful that there's such a wealth of excellent BDSM stories in this fandom. I know I am. I also know I'm that I'm done with this post. Hell, I may be done with kink. Recs can sure be hard on the recommender's sex life.

So - to all a good night, totally free of kink, unless of course you're wanting kink, in which case, go you.

I have a near-lethal addiction to the documentary form, and I'm not talking about movies. My personal favorite is the epistolary, but I'll take diary entries, too, or, hell, tax forms. All documents are good. Stories written about documents, or with documents, or referring to documents - I love those, too. I'm the original cheap date when it comes to this form.

Unfortunately, there's not a lot of true epistolary FF out there. Doesn't matter. I'm such a document slut that I'll go with any story that promises to mention letters or diaries. Sad, but true. Well, providing said story is good. And these are.

Best FF Likely to Lead to a Master's Thesis on the Importance of Sig Files in Modern Communication, and the Significance of the Suppression Thereof: Eros Epistolary, by Brighid, aka brighidestone. The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. The first challenge of an epistolary story is to come up with a good reason why the characters are writing to each other, rather than, say, chatting. This is especially difficult, I'm sure you can appreciate, if the two characters live together and in fact spend essentially every moment of their lives together, which, of course, is exactly what Jim and Blair do. Brighid manages to get the guys writing to each other just fine, though. And note her fabulous use of the many options available to the modern epistolary writer, from sticky notes to email to recycled paper. Epistolary stories aren't boring! Epistolary stories are grand! Epistolary stories in the morning! And epistolary stories in the hand! Um. Stopping now.

Best FF That Shows How Addictive Letters Can Be in Bad Circumstances, So Won't You Write to Some Depressed Individual Today?: Letters Home, by penknife. The Secret Garden, Dickon/Colin/Mary. This story is not told entirely in letters. But it's about letters, and it's got extracts from letters, and it's a fantastic story, so I'm not seeing a downside here. Except the sadness. See, the problem with The Secret Garden is that it has to stand alone. Given the times and the culture in which the story takes place, there can't be a happy ending for the three of them as adults. I've always known that, sadly, the likeliest outcome was Mary and Colin married, and Dickon working as their gardener.

Except, of course, that they are on a collision course with World War I. Colin and Dickon are destined for hell in the Somme, and the odds aren't good that they'll both survive - especially not if they end up calvary, as penknife hypothesizes here. This story is something I could never even imagine - a reasonable extrapolation of The Secret Garden, one that lets the trio grow up and places them squarely in the real world. This shouldn't work. Except that it does, it really does.

Best FF That Shows How Addictive Letters Can Be Even in Relatively Good Circumstances, So Won't You Write to an Irritatingly Happy Person Today?: Written by Hand, by setissma. Harry Potter, Remus Lupin/Sirius Black, Remus Lupin/Severus Snape, James Potter/Lily Evans. Perhaps it would be better if I just wrote "assorted non-explicit and implied pairings." In any case, what we have here is a story in which Remus suffers from a handwriting addiction, and Sirius helps him figure out a way to get his fix even in Romania. It's sweet without being cloying. Remus gets down with the magic theory, we get the niftiest form of eavesdropping ever, and love prevails. At least briefly, which is exactly how long love gets to prevail in J. K. Rowling's world.

Best FF Told Entirely in a Letter That Leaves Me Barely Resisting the Temptation to Write a Letter Back¹: To Casey, on His Thirty-Fifth Birthday, by Mosca, and does anyone know if she has a LJ? Sports Night, Dan/Casey (ish). Let's just get this out of the way now. I succumbed, OK? I completely and totally succumbed to the lure of Sports Night fan fiction, and if you haven't, all I can say is: run. Or the cultists will get you, too, and soon you'll be reading fabulous fan fiction about two guys who are smart, neurotic, funny, and so clearly in love that I'm surprised it was never mentioned in a daily run down meeting². I really have to apologize for making my first official nomination in this fandom (the other one didn't count, because I wasn't in the fandom then) so wistful and unsmutty and unresolved. Trust me, there's also joy aplenty in the SN fold. (And if you won't trust me, trust the minions of Bhagwan Sports Night. They are even now waiting on your doorstep to tell you about the pure and slashy love to be found when you embrace Sports Night, for Sports Night is love and love is Sports Night.)

Best FF That Proves That Fraser and Kowalski Can Make Even a Community College Creative Writing Class Sexy: The Course, by Bone, aka thisisbone, and Aristide (anyone have a link for her?). Due South, Ray Kowalski/Benton Fraser. I love document-related fiction way too much to limit myself to just four stories; it was actually a battle of will for me to limit myself to one story per fandom. So this is today's bonus story. It's one that many people will have read; this is what we call a classic of the genre, by which we mean that it is chock-full of smut. And humor. And then a lot more smut. And this cavalcade of smut is induced, my friends, by Ray's journal entries. Diaries and smut and undercover work and smut and sullen community college students and smut and Fraser in relaxed clothing and smut. And then some smut. So, really, you cannot go wrong with this one. And if you don't know from due South? Well, you'll be able to read this anyway; I barely knew the fandom when I found this story, but it turns out that high-quality smut is truly accessible fiction. (Just think of the improvement in our nation's literacy statistics if summer reading lists included this sort of story!)

-Footnote-

¹Said sequel would, naturally, be called "To Danny, Who Will Be Lucky If He Lives to See His Next Birthday If He Keeps Leaving Tragic Love Letters on Office Computers." And it would begin "Dear Danny - I see that therapy has really improved your communication skills, not to mention your passive-aggressive behavior and your self-image. And if you think I won't read every damn file on my computer rather than write a script, then have I been sharing an office with Pod Danny for the last two years?"

²Actually, I suspect this was covered in a rundown meeting. ( Probably it went something like this. )

Alcohol might not be much on its own, but combine it with fan fiction and we do indeed see how sweet life can be. Of course, there's not so much of the slight here; for the most part, these stories contain some serious intoxication. But don't worry about alcohol poisoning and don't bother ordering blood levels; in fan fiction, drunkenness is just a classic way of getting two people horizontal. Or, you know, into other assorted positions.

To put it another way: yay, drunkfics!

Best FF That Proves That Everything Is Better with Wombats: Vombatus poeticus, by q_skud_. Master & Commander, Stephen Maturin/Jack Aubrey (ish). I'm dedicating this rec to makesmewannadie, who understands that wombats do indeed make everything better. Wombats can even help with unrequited love, which is pretty much we've got here. This is an itty-bitty fic, and g-rated, so it's really fairly astonishing that q_skud_ managed to fit so many of my favorite things into it: wombats, Latin, good poetry (on this occasion by Catullus), Stephen Maturin. It's like I was born just to provide this story with its ideal audience. Plus, it helps fill the world's gaping need for wombatfic. Writers, what have you done for wombatfic today? Remember: fandoms need wombats.

Best FF in a Fandom I Am Absolutely Not Reading, Not Not Not: Vaguely Gay, by miriam_heddy. Sports Night, Dan/Casey McCall. Let me just repeat that: this is not one of my fandoms, people. I don't even know what the show is about (though I'm thinking sports probably come into it somewhere), and I am not getting involved in another damn TV fandom. They're too difficult. It's just - the title of this story really appealed to me, because that's what the guys we slash so often are; there's just something, you know, vaguely gay about the way they interact with their supposedly-straight, supposedly-platonic best friends. So I read the story, and it proved to be good, and so here we are. Of course I can't be sure that this is in-character or canon-appropriate or anything, as this is - did I mention this? - not my fandom. Not! My! Fandom!

Best FF That Scarred Me Forever with a Casual Mention of a Former President of the United States: Scotch Courage, by Kellie Matthews. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. Come for the intoxicated Ray. Stay for the unintoxicated sex. And please, please, somebody tell me that the whole comment about our former President doesn't mean what I think it means, because if it does, the resultant mental images will torment me to the grave. In fact, they may torment me into my grave, so please, say it ain't so. (Sorry, folks. Wish I could provide a better summary. But every time I read or even think of this story, my brain fixates on that one horrible implied-but-please-god-not-true President thing, and it just locks up. Ew.)

Best FF Featuring a Sex Scene That Could Cause Impressionable Readers to Begin Singing "Giles of the Nine and a Half Fingers and the Xander of Doom," Which Is Grounds for Murder in Nine States: Four Dicks, by The Spike, aka spike21. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Xander/Giles. Can I just say right now that I hate alcoholic-Giles stories? Because I like my Giles shiny and idealistic, and I like him snarky and careworn, but I don't like him passed out. He cannot snark when he's passed out, people. But...I still like this story. It's set in a time when Giles and Xander were both disenfranchised, feeling lost and out of it and wondering what the hell came next; this is a solution way better than the one Joss thought of. And Xander is perfectly in character here, using humor as a cover and a shield. So, you know, even though I don't like stories like this, well, I like this.

Best FF That Makes You Want to Snuggle up to a Warm Fuzzy Evil Demon Monster of Your Very Own: Untitled, by wiseacress. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Spike/Xander. This is a bonus story, right here, because it's more of a scene, and anyway I try not to repeat fandoms in one set. But this is so worth reading, because it showcases something too many BtVS FF writers forget. I mean, we hear so much about the Ultimate Sexy of Spike that sometimes I wish Buffy'd staked him in season two. And there's almost as much FF talk about Spike's odd, soul-free humanity. There's just not so much focusing on Spike's evident caretaking need. But it's there, folks. He took care of Dru for a hundred years, even though she spent 99% of that time getting a direct feed from Planet Crazy. I understand he also took good care of Dawn, although I myself have not experienced what we might call the Dawn Season of Buffy (also known as the Sunset Season of Buffy, for an entirely different reason). Here, he's taking care of Xander, and he's clearly enjoying himself, and no, you perverts, it's not what you think. It's shmoop, which so clearly should not work with a BtVS-style vampire, except that it...does. And if that's not enough reason to read this, well, let me up the ante. It contains the phrase "make me your pirate bride." Thought that'd get you. Sure got me; I'll be working that phrase into nearly everything I say from now on.

The joys of coitus interruptus are many. Totally unrecommended as birth control, mind you - anyone who has ever had sex with a male between 14 and 19 years of age will be able to explain why, should you be curious - but it does make for some, shall we say, amusing fan fiction.

Best FF That Shows Us Why We Should Take Care to Check Our Environs for Individuals with Enhanced Senses of Smell Prior to Any Impromptu Semi-Public Sexual Activity: Chemistry and the Things We Shouldn't Do, by Zahra, aka hackthis. X-Men movies, Bobby Drake (Iceman)/St. John Allerdyce (Pyro). This story spawned this whole nominations theme, because when I read it I realized that it doesn't get much worse, in the coitus interruptus sweepstakes, for said interruption to come from someone with claws and a sense of humor who will live forever. Seriously, Bobby and St. John (and that is his name, dammit, I don't care what the movies think) will be dead of extreme old age and Wolverine will be hanging out over their coffins telling this story to their great-grandkids. Who, I am sure, will find it a highly educational experience.

Best FF That Shows Us Why It Sucks to Be a Superhero, and I Don't Mean the Good Kind of Suck, Either: Interruptus, by silentfire. Justice League (I think), Clark/Lex. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I actually have my own personal set o' superheroes. Except they aren't so much superheroes as people beset by superpowers; I've always been more interested in the down sides of superheroism - the Rogues rather than the Wolverines, to put it another way. But this is one down side that even I totally failed to appreciate. I mean, we've all had unfortunate interruptions at some point in our lives. (My life, in fact, can be charted out in stages by the kind of interruption most likely to happen, starting with the parental phone call when I'm already late home, continuing through the drunken sobbing roommate, moving on to the professional emergency, and finishing, at least for now, with an uninvolved party throwing up.) But how many of us have ever had to choose between having sex and saving the world? Not me. (Good thing, really, because there were times in my younger and more hedonistic days when I might've made the wrong choice.) And, I hope, not you. So let us all take a moment to be grateful for those fictional individuals who make continued life on this planet possible, even though they have to wear dorky Spandex costumes and drop everything the minute disaster strikes.

Best FF Featuring the Phrase "Attack on Crack" That Doesn't Succumb to the Temptation to Make the Obvious Pun: Life Lived Like a Mentos Commercial, by Mallory Klohn, and does anyone have a current link for her? The Sentinel, Blair Sandburg/OMC, Blair Sandburg/Jim Ellison. I think we can all agree that being found in flagrante delicto by Wolverine is about as bad as it can get, but Jim Ellison has got to be in the top thousand Worst Interrupters, anyway. And I think we can also agree that if you're having sex with someone who is wearing a Safety Dog costume, being caught by anyone is a bad idea. Unless, I suppose, you're an out-and-proud furry, in which case, go you! I, myself, would be forced to enter the Humiliated Persons Protection Program, seeking a new life under the name "Wanka Slasherson" in Abilene, Texas. (Side note: I'd be grateful if someone could explain to me why this is life lived like a Mentos commercial. Isn't this story based on the movie Groundhog Day? What do lame little candies have to do with this story? Or, for that matter, anything?)

Best FF Featuring a Phrase That Will Haunt Me Forever and Likely Prevent Me from Realizing My Full Potential: Five Things That Never Happened to Ray and Ray, by cesperanza. Due South, Ray Vecchio/Ray Kowalski. This, my friends, is classic naive Fraser; I am particularly fond of versions three and four, which somehow distill naivete to its very essence. The phrase referenced in the title is, for the record, "What are you, the asshole police?" It will live in my mind forever, rising to the surface during job interviews, eulogies, and conversations with my grandmother. (This is one of the many reasons you will never see me on live television; my brain is full of things like this, and in moments of stress, they are all I can think of to say. It's a disease or something.) And, yes, I am fully aware that there is a small but, shall we say, extremely vocal contingent that refuses to read Ray/Ray stories; for their benefit, I am once again including a Certified Safe Alternate due South story.

Or:

Best FF Featuring Several Excellent Potential Topics for Dissertations and Theses: The Bodyguard, by cesperanza. Due South, Ray Kowalski/Benton Fraser. I am particularly proud of this alternate, which not only fits the theme - in fact, there are two interruptions here! - but is also by the same author. Let it never be said I don't respect the strange quirks of my blog readers. Well, OK, really just the readers who know where I sleep. But still, I think it's very sensitive and thoughtful of me. This story has the disadvantage of having been recommended nearly everywhere. (Perhaps I should do a Slashy set consisting of authors whose every word you should read, including their high school papers on Romeo and Juliet and grocery lists written while stoned. It would save us all a lot of trouble.) But it has many advantages, including humor, hockey, fascinating alternative theological theories, and Fraser contemplating inflicting gross bodily harm on a helpless woman. (Well, relatively helpless, anyway. Or, actually not helpless at all. But still totally female.) And that's all just in the first page. Later on, there's jokes in several languages, and sex, and some surprisingly serious social commentary and - look, just read it.

I associate crossovers very strongly with confusion; in the early days of my fan fiction reading, I didn't know about crossovers. (I was a sweet, innocent lass with a heart of gold, OK?) So I'd be cheerfully reading along, not paying close attention to the story summaries (mistake number one, right there), and suddenly the story would get...weird. And I would get...confused. I'd read through the rest of it wondering if I was supposed to recognize these strange characters from the FBI, or with fangs, or whatever, and wondering why the story had taken such an unusual turn. Basically, just wondering. It probably didn't help that this was when I was a single-fandom girl, so all these crossovers were in LotR, which is not a canon that takes well to incursions from, for example, television shows. ("Ah, Boromir." "Mmmm, Aragorn." "Hi! I'm Spike!" "That is...an unusual leather jerkin, stranger." "Not jerkin' just yet, pet. But I could be persuaded.")

That's probably why I disliked crossovers so much for so long. But I've learned that they, like everything else, can be totally brilliant in the right hands. And, naturally, examples of the right hands follow.

Best FF That Proves I Was Right All Those Years Ago When I Said That Metal Control Was a Fairly Lame Superpower: Curiosities, by penknife. Harry Potter x X-Men movies, Tom Riddle/Magneto, Magneto/Xavier (sort of). This, right here, was the first story I read that made me think crossovers could be more than just a gimmick. Because, well, I never in my whole life so much as wondered what might happen if Tom Riddle met Magneto, or how a battle of HP magicians v. XM mutants might shake down, but I was gripped by this story anyway. The story works, in large part, because Penknife keeps everyone soundly in character and blends a tiny portion of the two universes without breaking either one. Read it and behold the mighty power of the Penknife, which is definitely better than metal control. (And, for the record, if you're ever offered a choice between magnetism and telepathy? Pick telepathy. If you're even tempted to go the metallic route, read this story first.)

Best FF That Proves That Anything Can Happen in the Arctic Circle: Denser Still the Snow, by Jane St. Clair, 3jane. Due South x Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Ray Kowalski/Benton Fraser/Oz. Well, now, this is a perfect example of what I mean about anything working in the right hands. I looked at the fandoms and the pairing and knew it could not work. Right then, I was ready to write an essay, complete with quotes and possibly even illustrations supporting my thesis that this could not work. And I read it, and even though there was a lengthy period in the middle where I wasn't sure if I wanted to embrace Jane or send my second to her door at dawn, I was just in awe. It works, it works, see how it works.

Best FF That Proves That Zen Is Applicable to All Walks of Life but Not Helpful in All Situations: Zen, by basingstoke. Due South x Homicide (I think), Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. I read the first part of this story thinking I knew who the, um, mystery detective was. I was wrong. (I Googled his name to find out what fandom he comes from, so if I'm wrong, someone please tell me.) I'd never heard of the guy before reading this, so obviously I can't say that he's in character, or that the two universes are nicely mixed (though, really, cop shows seem to go together pretty well most of the time). But I can say that this guy blends almost eerily well into the due South world. And I can also say that I read "Zen" and suddenly wanted to know much more about this intriguing character. Which demonstrates a major bonus (or flaw, depending on your point of view) of the crossover: a good one can work you into a new fandom effortlessly. Painlessly. Unexpectedly. (I'm proud to report, though, that I've managed to resist the lure of "Homicide." So far.)

Best FF That Proves That It's a Bad Idea to Mess with History If You've Had Too Much to Drink. Well, Especially If You've Had Too Much to Drink.: The Most Beautiful Girl in the World, by daegaer. Good Omens x The Iliad, Paris/Helen, plus assorted hints of slash. I'm still bitter about Troy, and I haven't even seen the movie; all I had to do to get my hate on was read cleolinda's Troy in Fifteen Minutes. I got as far as Achilles in bed with two women and I could feel the rant welling up inside. Just as well I didn't see it, really. In any case, I offer this to those of you also nursing resentment; here is Paris as I always knew he was. And an explanation for the whole mess that's really the only believable one if you insist on discounting the gods. Yes, Wolfgang, I'm talking to you. (Can't wait to see what he's going to do to Ender's Game. Actually, no, I can wait. Forever, if necessary.)

We all dress up every once in a while - maybe to fit in, maybe to stand out, maybe to get that certain someone to look at us. So, hey, why can't the men we slash dress up, too?

Sometimes seeing someone you know well wear something out of the ordinary is a real learning experience - and that's true in FF, too. Who doesn't want to see Xander Harris dressed like James Dean or Nightwing wearing Batman's gloves? (You, I hope, since you won't see either of those in any of the stories below.) It's just so revealing to see people change their look.

Best FF in Which Fraser Gets Thwarted and Ray Gets Bent: Refraction, by shrift. Due South, Ray Kowalski/Benton Fraser. It's the word choices that get me in this one. When my Best Beloved comes home wearing glitter, I say, "You've got glitter on you." When Fraser sees his Best Beloved in glitter, he says, "You're refracting." That's just - so Fraser. Not to mention that Fraser's the only person I can imagine using "thwarted" in an "I feel" statement. I once spent years listening to teen-agers tell me why they hated their parents, coaching them on "I feel" statements all the while. They came up with just about every synonym for "interfere with what I want to do" that Roget could have thought of, but not one of 'em ever actually said "thwart." Because, obviously, none of 'em was Fraser. Darn it.

Best FF That Proves That No Behavior Change Seems Strange If You Start out Unusual Enough: Soap and Silk, by lil_neko. Pirates of the Caribbean, gen or Will Turner/Jack Sparrow, depending on you interpret things. (I, myself, choose to believe this is gen.) See, I usually totally do not go for Johnny-in-a-dress stories. Except, as it turns out, when that Johnny is Johnny Depp. I can believe that he'd wear a dress. Or maybe it's Jack Sparrow I can believe that of, although in his case it's more like an abiding conviction that the only reason we didn't ever see him in a dress in the movie is that he'd cross-dressed so often that he was bored with it. In any case, what I love about this story is that there's no explanation at all for anything that happens. Turns out you don't need any. Well, any explanation beyond: "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, luv."

Best FF That Suggests a Different Reason Why Aragorn Took Boromir's Gauntlets: Leather, by keelywolfe. Lord of the Rings movies, Aragorn/Boromir. Why is it so easy to see these two getting kinky with each other? Is it just Sean Bean once again exhibiting his ability to make his characters exude sexual flexibility of every kind? Is it that Aragorn apparently doesn't take a bath until the middle of Return of the King, thus bringing the word "dirty" ineluctably to mind whenever we see him? Or am I the only one that thinks A/B has to be LotR's entry in the kinkiest pairing contest? Anyway, in this one, we learn about one of Aragorn's milder kinks, and do I really need to tell you what it is? (Read the title again, hon.) This is part of Keelywolfe's LotR kink series. All of it is A/B. Of course.

Best FF That Raises a Burning Question in Its First Paragraph and Then Leaves It Totally Unanswered: What You See, by kassrachel. The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. Blair genderfucks, Jim develops gender issues. (Actually, from what I can tell, that's not all that bad a summary of the whole TV series, at least from a certain perspective.) Wondering what the unanswered question is? Go read the first paragraph. Now riddle me this: Jim's thinking that he forgot how stifling chaps were. So when else has he worn them, hmmm? I'm going to email kassrachel immediately and demand she explain that comment. Preferably in FF. (Because she's writing TS FF again. Yay!)

There are pairings we can all agree make sense: Magneto/Xavier, Aubrey/Maturin, Fraser/Kowalski, Jack Sparrow/Anyone At All. And there are pairings that aren't quite as intuitive. I find a lot more of the former, but I have a special love for the latter; a well done strange pairing story often lacks the "same sex, different day" feeling I sometimes get from FF, and it usually says more about the characters.

Best FF That Will Make You Stop Smearing Vitamin E on Your Surgery Scars: Scars, by Sonya, virtualinsomnia. X-Men movies, Nightcrawler/Wolverine pre-slash. I have a well-documented problem with visualizing blue people having sex (See also: Beast, Mystique, etc., and why are there so many blue people in the Marvel universe? Did they get a special deal on the ink?), but I really believe I'm making progress. This story, though, didn't trip my issues at all; it's completely non-explicit. It also sounds so wrong and yet makes such sense after you've read it. We value our scars because they're physical memories. Wolverine has lost so much of his memory; isn't it something of an unkind cut that he loses this kind, too? And Nightcrawler doesn't just have scars - he has intentional scars, scars that tell a story, at least to him. I can get the envy, and I can get the attraction. But I couldn't until Sonya pointed the way.

Best FF That Pairs a Brad Pitt Character with a Matt Damon Character and Yet Doesn't Make Me Vomit: Drive, by Jess. Ocean's 11, Rusty Ryan/Linus Caldwell. We interrupt this nominations set for some intensive whining: why is this fandom not larger? Why why whyeeeeee? In my world, there'd be, um, oceans of Ocean's 11 slash, and it would all be this good. This movie has it all: subtext! Homoeroticism! A lot of men! A totally unconvincing token female character! It's crying out for slash, people! Whine ends. See, I looked at this pairing, and I thought, no. Just - no. Rusty belongs with Danny; apart from anything else, George Clooney and Brad Pitt have so much sexual tension in this movie they might as well have taken out a Massachusetts marriage license. But then I read this story, and I realized that, once again, I had been narrow-minded, and a great FF story had cured me of it. (If this trend continues, I may become the first person to die of excessive open-mindedness. Or the first person ever to cause a matter/antimatter type explosion upon coming into contact with Jesse Helms.)

Best FF Featuring a Fraser Who Is Actually Quick on the Uptake and Yet Still Totally Canadian (No Offense Intended to Our Beloved Northern Friends): Volpe, by Te, thete1. Due South, Ray Kowalski/Andreas Volpe. (Note for those who haven't seen the series: Volpe is a real character; I think Te's intertwining this fic's plot with the plot of the episode "Asylum," though don't quote me on that.) Kowalski, yes, belongs with Benton Fraser. But isn't he entitled to more of a sexual history than just the Stella? I mean, come on; we've already got the classic one-woman history in Fraser, and I refuse to believe that Due South exists in a universe where men, on average, have 1.2 sexual partners in their lives. Vecchio's probably been married to more woman than Kowalski's had sex with. (And, tragically, Vecchio's probably been married more often than Fraser's had sex. Period.) That isn't fair at all, and I applaud Te for giving Kowalski a history, and for making it so believable. I also applaud her for not making Fraser clueless; given Victoria, you'd think he'd pick up on sexual, um, mistakes a lot faster than he mostly does in FF.

Best FF That Makes You Want Harry Potter Book Six to Feature a Campaign for Tighter Regulations on Teacher Malfeasance and Immorality, Most Likely Run by Hermione in Her Copious Spare Time: Perquisite and the companion piece Unnatural Acts, by Halrloprillalar, prillalar. Harry Potter, Percy/Snape. So. Um. If you like your Snape loving and sweet, or with a hidden heart of gold, or tormented by a secret love, you won't like this story. But, hey, give it a try anyway, 'cause this is excellent. I admit I'm biased - teacher/student pairings, especially the ones that end in true love, usually don't work for me; I can't suspend my disbelief far enough. So I like the way this goes. And I love the way Hal makes a human being of Percy, who is, like so many HP characters, totally two-dimensional in the canon. So read this. But don't expect romance. (This nomination sponsored by Slashers Against Romance and True Love and for Nice Pornographic Sex. I'm not a member, people, so don't complain to me.)

This was a tough FIHL to write, because I have a level of love for this fandom that is almost unhealthy. It's my safety blanket in a cold world full of torture and incest and character death; it's the fandom I turn to when I've just finished two Buffy stories and a long HP that started with the war and ended with a mass funeral. So it's hard for me to take a step back and look at this fandom through the eyes of a stranger, as it were, which is really pretty comical when I think about how recently I became a DS reader.

Before I embarked on DS, I got helpful hints from Fametracker's Gwenyvere1, but I know nothing about the actual show. I've never seen an episode and I'd never heard of the show before I started seeing the name on FF. It took me a while to figure some things out, including, notably, the whole Ray K/Ray V thing, and some of the theories I formed in the interim were as strange as – well, as strange as the canon truth, in this particular case. And canon truth is, generally, pretty strange in DS. Also – surprisingly – fairly grim. Because despite the humor that apparently filled the series and certainly fills the FF, this is not the world's happiest canon, folks. Let's just take a little look at the characters, shall we?

( Come and see the tragedy inherent in the canon. )

Today I return to the charming, silly, and extremely redolent world of the drunkfic, in which confessions are made, men are fucked, and there's no regrets until morning. My reasons for using this theme today will become clear with the next Fandoms I Have Loved post; in the meantime, engage in drunken revels with the guys below.

Best FF That Leaves You Wanting to Give a Certain Character a Short but Pertinent Lecture on the Virtues of Knowing One's Ability to Tolerate Alcohol and Not Exceeding One's Limits: First Warning, by Rave, aka dorkorific. Pirates of the Caribbean, Jack/Will. Yet another entry in the long series of stories in which Jack gets Will drunk and we're all very grateful. This one has excellent characterization - I think she's got both voices down very well - and is a bit of a tease. Just the thing to begin with, no?

Best FF Featuring an Excellent Use of the Word "Twee," Not to Mention Some Lovely Archaic British Slang: And When He Falls, by torch, aka flambeau. Good Omens, Crowley/Aziraphale. I would like the record to show that I am still absolutely appalled by the existence of Crowley/Aziraphale. Yes, I am. But I can't help loving stories that contain as many perfect lines as this one. My love affair began when Aziraphale says "billy-o." By the time I read "Aziraphale tasted like all things good and wholesome, and also like claret," I was prepared to marry this fic. Which I suppose would count as a drunken proposal.

Best FF Involving Meditation as a Cure for Hangover: Bacchus Blessings, by Kass. The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. There are definitely downsides to getting drunk. Because waking up with a hangover is bad, yes, but waking up with a hangover and not being sure whether or not you had sex with a friend - that's hell. And it's a hell we've all visited a few times, so why not make a return trip with Blair in the hot seat?

Best FF Featuring the Customer of Every Used Car Salesman's Nightmares: Fall, by Mia. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. Do we want to see Benton Fraser deep in the throes of repression? We do not, for it is scary and involves learning Arabic and running through chicken coops with the chickens' best interests at heart. Do we want to see Benton Fraser drunk? We absolutely do, even though it is scary, because immediately after the girl named Michelle comes the boy named Ray, and a happy ending - and orgasm - is had by all. Yay!

Yes, it's more humor. See, the thing is, after a few seriously angsty ones I need something light-hearted and funny. And as I've mentioned, I've been exploring the Buffy fandom, which is basically the second-largest angst, doom, and gloom resource in the world. (I'm thinking of petitioning the United Nations to declare it a World Heritage Site, to preserve the darkness for future generations.) So I find myself needing extra doses of humor these days, and I'm passing that humor on to you. (Which is only fair, since I have every intention of passing on the angst to you lot as well.)

Best FF That Proves That Fortune Really Does Favor the Foolish, Because If It Didn't, Benton Fraser Would've Been Killed by an Insane Bag Lady by Now: Interrogation, by speranza. Due South, Ray Kowalski/Benton Fraser. This is one of those stories that I turn to again and again, especially when I've just read a novella involving, you know, darkness and sourness and a 2,300-word torture scene. Why? (I mean, of course, why do I turn to this story, not why do I read darkfic. The latter passeth all understanding.) Well, consider the experimental line of Hallmark cards. Fraser's list of enemies. The mad or incompetent toaster bomber. Plus, is it just me, or is Frannie worried about what else Ray and Fraser might be doing in the interrogation room? I think she's a closet slash reader, people.

Best FF Using the Phrase "Snookie-Ookie-Wookums" (Please, God, Let This Be the Only FF Using the Phrase "Snookie-Ookie-Wookums"): Every Fanfic Ever Written!, by Mooncalf, aka tsukikoushi. All fandoms, all pairings. You say you have no time to read fan fiction these days? Even fast fic is too much for you? Well, read Mooncalf's nifty encapsulations, and you'll never need to read another. She's missed a few of the rarer types, yup, but I think you'll be impressed at how much she covers. I know I was. My own personal favorite type of story: The Backstory Fic, Part 2.

Best FF That Needs to Be Forwarded to Every Marvel Author Immediately. With a Kick in the Pants or Two.: Phone Home, by Domenika. (I think, anyway. It's sort of hard to tell her name from her site.) X-Men comics, gen. I don't know if those of you who haven't suffered under the Insanity-Inducing Lash that is the X-multiverse will find this as funny as, for example, I do. I do know that even minute exposure to said Lash years and years ago will be enough to cause you to giggle at this. I laughed myself sick at this one, even though I quit my X habit cold turkey in my last year of college, when I realized that I could keep up with the classes my parents paid for me to take, or I could keep up with Marvel comics, which I had to pay to read and then pay for therapy sessions to resolve the existential confusion they induced. I couldn't do both, and I still believe I made the right choice. If you've managed to steer clear of the X gravitational well but you'd still like to get the joke, look at Alex Summers' biography, courtesy the scarily thorough folks at Mutatis Mutandis. Alex Summers is the main character in this story, so reading this will help you understand the background. Even more, though, reading his bio will give you a tiny, tiny sampling of the hysteria, chaos, and ludicrous insanity that is the canon for this world. Warning: Exposure to Marvel comics plot lines may cause cranial pain, facial swelling, and unexplained bleeding. In extreme cases, seizures and dribbling may result. Discontinue reading if any of the following symptoms appear: confusion, loss of will to live, scaly rash, disruption of electrical fields, secondary mutation.

Best Humorous FF Featuring References to Martin Luther King, Jr. and Charles Dickens: I Had a Dream, by francesca. The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. For some reason, I just find this really - funny. Maybe it's the whole "Christmas Carol" riff - I have a well-documented weakness for the Ghosts of Various Holidays of Various Times. Maybe it's that this is the strangest method of initiating a relationship I've seen yet in FF. Maybe it's that this all seems so very, very, well, Blairy - I can just totally picture him doing this. Or maybe it's because I'm with Jim on this one; I actually find Blair's dream rather reassuring, too. (And I am here to tell you, folks, that it is a sad, sad day when you realize that you're the Jim Ellison in your own personal RL pairing.) I find the happy ending, the light-heartedness, and the silliness comforting, too. Read on, my friends, for grim fic returns soon to a blog near you.

There's funny fan fiction, with jokes and happy endings and true love forever. Sometimes it's great stuff. But I'm not nominating any of that today.

There's angsty fan fiction, featuring angst and tears (sometimes manfully surpressed, sometimes wept into pillows) and angst and I will never confess it, but I love you, I love you and then more angst. And then someone has a dream (75% of the time it's wet, 25% it's a nightmare), and then there's either tortured kissing or more angst, but usually both. And sometimes someone almost dies, or, in the case of certain fandoms, actually does die.I'm not nominating that kind of FF today, either. Thank god.

No, today's set showcases the grittier side of life, FF-style. If happy endings and light hearts are your thing, let me direct you to the previous entry, but if you can stand the sour, the bitter, and the uppercut to the jaw, read on.

Best FF That Proves That Things Can Always Be Worse, and Then Proves It Again, with Added Squalor: Modus Vivendi, by wiseacress. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Spike/Xander. File this one under "Cruelty to Xander" and go with it. The story begins with Xander getting the holy shit beaten out of him, and then things really start to go bad. "Modus" actually has an almost sort of moderately happy ending, in that all canon characters survive the story; if you finish this and you're aching for more aching (or more great writing), check out the alternate ending, Ars Moriendi, which shows that, when it comes to bad, you ain't seen nothing yet. And yet - this story is so good. The author gets that human/vampire relationships can't work, and she makes us get it, too. She makes Spike and Xander so real that I finished the story - both endings - desperately wishing things could be better for the guys, even though I knew they couldn't. I bought into this story completely and love it entirely. Of course, that just makes the whole thing hurt more.

Best FF That Teaches You to Beware of Staircases and Watch Your Step on Crime Scenes: Stop Whispering, by grit kitty. The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. Here, grit kitty tackles one of those weird fandom conventions; in Sentinel fan fiction, homophobia doesn't exist. Or it does, but only in the same way that sneezes exist; they happen, they go away quickly, and they have no real effect on anything. But Jim's a cop, and cops are not famed for their cheerful acceptance of their colleagues' alternative lifestyles. In this one, grit kitty plays out a very realistic, rather grim scenario, in which Jim and Blair out themselves and things go about halfway to hell. I love that no one is entirely clean here. I also love that grit kitty keeps things from reeling off the edge of "unpleasant" straight into "overdone angst," and that she manages to patch things up without making them any less real. Also, check out the three-dimensional Simon in this story; a human Simon is a rare bird indeed.

Best FF That Reminds You Why You Never, Never Want to Be 15 Again, Unless You Actually Are 15, in Which Case It's Bound to Have Some Other Salutary Effect: Practicing for the Ballet, by penknife. Harry Potter, Harry/Draco. H/D is one of those pairings I just can't wrap my head around, mostly because I can't let go of the canon. (Entry #1 on the list called "Why It's Better to Read FF When You Don't Know the Canon.") The distance between fanon Draco and canon Draco is the distance between two universes, and the distance between Harry and Draco in the canon is, well, about half as far. So when Harry and Draco are falling all over each other, I'm cringing, waiting for the knife in the back. Penknife apparently is, too. This, folks, is exactly what it's like to be 15 and having bad sex with someone you hate; when you're in that situation, all you can do is decide whether you'll be like Harry or like Draco.

Best FF That Isn't So Bad in Any Particular and Yet Leaves You with an Overwhelming Feeling of Impending Disaster: When She Walks in the Room, by wax_jism. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. Ah, Wax Jism. Every time I read a story of hers, she rewrites my brain. Sometimes it's for the best - you don't hear me whining about Bobby/St. John anymore, and that's at least 75% WJ's fault - and sometimes it's, well, not. This is one of those "not" stories. See, with Due South FF, I want a happy ending. I am totally convinced the characters need and deserve a happy ending, because from what I can tell, they were royally reamed in the canon. (For more on this topic, see Fandoms I Have Loved, coming soon to this blog right here.) And until I read this story, I was convinced they could have their happy ending. Now, I'm not so sure. WJ should come with a warning label. And that, of course, is why I love her.

Run in fear - it's kidfic! Kidfic is the slightly-saner older sibling of MPreg. The men don't get pregnant. They just rear, or care for, a child. And, yes, it can be horrible and desecrating and nauseatingly sweet - diabetics are strongly cautioned - but sometimes it works very well. Of course, I now believe that there's no horrible fan fiction subgenre or theme that can't work in the hands of a sufficiently talented author. (I think I realized this around the time I found myself actually nominating an MPreg story.)

Best FF That Will Make You Think Twice - and Then Three Times, and Then Send You Out on a Drinking Binge - Before You Decide to Be a Foster Parent: With Six You Get Eggroll, by speranza. Due South, Ray Kowalski/Benton Fraser, Stella Kowalski/Ray Vecchio. This, my friends, is the end-all be-all of kidfic; apparently Ray and Fraser just can't do things by halves, because they end up with six kids in about the amount of time it takes me to commit to a toaster. Speranza takes this whole concept three times around the dance floor, in the process introducing us to some of the more realistic kids I've encountered in FF. She also makes some interesting and believable guesses about how these guys would do as parents. In a way, that's actually one of the best things about kidfic; it's similar to AU fic in that it shows us the essence of the characters by changing their circumstances. Please note that some readers may find parts of "Eggroll" a bit sweet. I did myself, actually. But the humor and the situation make it all worthwhile.

Best FF That May Send You Scurrying for Additional Birth Control Options (and, If You Are Male, Induce Some Thoughtful Back-Dating): Another Mode of Belonging, by grit kitty. The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. This story fills a need I didn't even realize this canon had. See, the essence of TS is that Jim pretty much co-opts Blair. Seriously. Blair ends up doing Jim's work, living in Jim's house, coping with Jim's senses. And then, in the last episode, Blair loses the last vestiges of his own life. After I read "Belonging," I realized that parity could only be achieved by having some part of Blair's life overtake Jim. And that's exactly what grit kitty has happening here. Best part of this story is definitely Jim's mixed emotions and reactions to the presence of Blair's kid in his life; I don't think this could get any more realistic.

Best FF Featuring a Chase Scene in Which One Party Is Encumbered, Not to Mention Ensmelled, by a Baby: Not My Baby, by dsudis. Buffy the Vampire Slayer*, gen. Unfortunate spell hijinks result in a baby version of Dawn. Spike steps in as vampire-dad-for-a-day (well, night, really) and copes with various problems both mundane and, um, smelly. This story will be especially good for those of you who have long believed that people with young children are pretty much undead anyway; you'll be able to see a blood-sucker instead of a zombie in the parent role for a change.

Best FF That Makes Me Want to Send Angry Comments to the Author Deploring Her Apparent Desire to Destroy Every Last Standard I Have Ever Had: Five Things That Never Happened: The World Turned Upside Down, by shalott, aka astolat. Master & Commander, Aubrey/Maturin. Did I promise there would be no MPreg in this set? I certainly did not. Though, in fact, this is not technically MPreg. It's genderswitch. After all, the person who gets pregnant is functionally female. The curse of shalott rides again; this is an abhorrent idea and I'm embarrassed I read it, let alone nominated it, but, um, it's, well...good. Look, blame her, OK? I only read what others write. Be aware that in addition to genderswitching, an odd version of MPreg, and a serious AU, this story also contains het. After a fashion. And I flatly refuse to say any more about it; read it, and then we can all pretend this nomination never happened.

-Footnotes-

* Please note that I am warily dipping my toes in the BtVS fandom yet again. Every previous excursion has ended with me waving my hands around and saying, "How the hell am I supposed to understand this? I don't have time to get a freaking doctorate in Buffylore!" This time, though, my Best Beloved has nobly volunteered to watch the whole series and then teach me the basics. I'm hoping this will, in time, allow me to know the canon and love the fandom**, but right now I've just gotten started and BB is only on season two. So what I'm saying is, essentially, any BtVS I nominate may or may not be in character or in canon, 'cause right now I barely know the names of the major players, and I wouldn't know a canon deviation if it bit Buffy on the neck.

** What is the fandom? Love is the fandom. What is the fandom? The fandom is death. Sorry, sorry, but I couldn't resist.

I love animals. In fact, I have a dog staring at me, trying to persuade me to give her peanut butter, as I write this. But animals in fan fiction are risky business. I can handle character death (see previous entry), but I can't handle animals in trouble at all. So you won't be seeing death, sadness, abandonment, or irresponsible ownership (with the exception of some seriously inappropriate feeding patterns, and I can understand that - see also peanut butter, dog and) in these stories. I can't make any promises about glurge, though; my sugar-sensor array goes on the blink when animals are in close proximity to sweetness.

Best FF That Asks You to Believe Seven Impossible Things Before Breakfast, and You'll Want to, Too: About a Dog, by Speranza. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. I realize that it looks like I'm breaking my "no animals were harmed in the making of this story" promise with the very first nominee, but Diefenbaker isn't dead. Keep that firmly in mind as you read this. And it's worth reading, too, because it's funny and touching and Speranza just really gets Dief. And, well, this is one of those that I'll spoil if I give too much plot summary, but let's just say that it's nice to see how Fraser copes with suddenly having a six-foot-two Canadian with no concept of personal space sleeping in his bed.

Best FF That Puts an Entirely Different Spin on the Whole Frog Prince Thing: The Familiar, by Resonant. Harry Potter, Harry/Snape. If you're not a Harry/Snape fan, please read this anyway; I'm totally not into that pairing, and I adored this one, even if the beginning is fairly rocky. Resonant does a kick-ass job of getting these two together. For one thing, she actually remembered that they hate each other. This story just shouldn't work, but oh how it does. I even love what Resonant did with Sirius in his cameo here; he's not Sirius-as-I-see-him, but he makes good sense. Resonant isn't afraid of the implications of this pairing.

Best FF Using the Familiar Formula Babbling + Sleep-Deprivation + Wistful Melancholy + Sandwiches = True Love Forever: What We Talk About When We Talk About Wolves, by Penelope Whistle. (Sorry, no link for her.) Due South, Kowalski/Fraser. I refuse to apologize for nominating two DS stories in the same set, because Diefenbaker's a major canon character, after all. Plus, he's a half-wolf, and I like him*, and I like stories about him, and there are some truly excellent stories about him out there, and - right, sorry, I'm babbling. Starting over. This is just a really wonderful story, folks, involving wolves in fact, wolves in cars, and wolves in metaphors. Read it. And then read it again, and think about the various ways you can use "the evidence being that I haven't eaten you yet" in your daily conversation. Your life will be the richer for it, I promise you.

Best FF That Has - Yes! - Magneto Being, Well, Rather Sweet, Yet Still in Character: Foundlings, by the ubiquitous (at least in this blog) C. Elisa. X-Men movies, and this is either gen or Magneto/Xavier. This is another story that so totally should not work, yet it does. Plus it's short and sweet and has an excellent moral at the end; consider it a modern-day fable that just happens to involve mutants and cats. (Actually, now that I think about it, traditional fables also seem to have far more than their share of mutants and cats.) And, hey, you can't convince me you don't want to see Magneto with kittens.

* Although I do wish I knew how to pronounce his name. Dee-fen-bock-er? Dee-fen-bake-er? Die-fen-whatever? True-dough? It's beyond me. As an American, I'm doing exceptionally well to recognize the name of a Canadian Prime Minister; they'd probably take my passport away if I knew how to say it, too.

Today I present a very loosely-bound fiction set that has built-in appeal for the book-lovers among us.

Best FF That Has Forever Changed the Way I Think of Unicorns: Like a Good Book, by Kyra Cullinan. Harry Potter, Hermione/Ginny. Yes, folks, it's femslash. And not only that, it's bad sex femslash - gritty and grim and painfully realistic. But even though the sex ain't pretty, the story itself is excellent, so please don't rule this one out if you don't normally do f/f. The book connection, of course, comes from the title, which in turns comes from a Tori Amos song, so we're talking about tenuous links, here. But this nominations set is all about being tenuous. Total tenuousity, that is my motto today.

Best FF That Shows How the Dewey Decimal System Leads to Good Lovin': Reference, by Resonant. Due South, Fraser/Kowalski. If the last nominee left you a bit raw, here's a sweet little story to take the hurt away. This one just makes my library-loving heart melt. And it's lovely to see Fraser being given a bit of non-canon history that doesn't involve death, loss, guilt, or repression. Seriously, Fraser's collected backstory reads like a Shakespearean tragedy (five acts of misunderstandings and long sad speeches, and by the end everyone's dead), so I love Resonant all the more for giving Ray the traumatic memory in this one.

Best FF That Demonstrates That the Library of Congress* Is Even More Arousing Than the Dewey Decimal System: Library Porn: Say Bibliotheque Again, Baby, by Nestra and shrift (sorry I left you out, shrift). Angel, Wesley/Gunn. You say the sour story didn't do it for you and the sweet story made you gag? Perhaps mademoiselle would prefer something light from our PWP menu. Because it doesn't get any better than sex in a library. And no, I do not want any angry comments from librarians on this one; I get all I need at home. (But, for the record, you really shouldn't have sex in a library. Coitus Interruptus Librarianus can kill your libido for your natural life, not to mention playing hell with your book-borrowing privileges.) And you don't need the slightest familiarity with Angel to understand this one, either, because the language of this kind of book-loving is universal.

Best FF That Will Make You Really Thirsty: Liquid, by Jane St. Clair. X-Force comics, Rictor/Shatterstar. (Links go to character bios, because even the bios don't make much sense, never mind the comic books.) This one makes this nominations set solely because it features the best sex disclaimer ever: "Never ever have I ever done it with a friend as part of elaborate trade negotiations for a rare book I desired." (Neither have I, Jane, and now that it's been mentioned, I must say I feel the lack.) In this story, we learn about the importance of water to the human body and to love. You will probably want to have a nice frosty beverage on hand before you start reading.

* Yes, actually, I suspect the authors of this story did intend that to be a pun.

Ah, the drunkfic - usually short on plot, often long on humor, nearly always featuring the classic drunken confession or drunken flirtation or drunken tryst. Why, reading a drunkfic is almost like being in high school again, only without the algebra, the awful lunches, or the irritating classmates, teachers, and other quasi-humans. So, not really very much like high school. And, fortunately, way more fun.

Best FF Featuring the Coolest Drinking Game Ever: The Literal Game, by Sam Vimes, also known as copperbadge. Harry Potter, Remus Lupin/James Potter. The first time I read this, I was so distracted by the game (for it is all manner of nifty, and I long to play it, though probably not with the results Remus got) that I totally missed the spot-on characterization (lots of people seem to miss the mark when writing teen-aged MWPP) and excellent dialog. Noticed the second time through, though, along with the best use of a quote from Kipling I've seen in FF to date.

FF Featuring the Best Four-Word Summary of the Bad Kind of Morning After: In Vodka Veritas, by Gloria Lancaster (don't have a link for her, sorry). The Sentinel, Jim/Blair. This is schmoopy, non-explicit drunkfic with some problems a good beta could've cleared up. But I still enjoy it; for some reason, it makes me laugh, perhaps because it brings back unfortunate college memories. And I love the four-word summary, which comes to us courtesy of Blair Sandburg: "I envy the dead." Also, this story, unlike many drunkfics, features realistic side effects and sequelae to excessive alcohol consumption.

Best FF Featuring Shakespeare Quoted for Lascivious Purposes: Hurricane Jack, by shrift. Pirates of the Caribbean, Jack/Will. Fine. OK? Fine. People out there just seem determined to write funny, good stories with this pairing, and how can I help reading those? And I have to admit this pairing was pretty much made for drunken sex. I mean, if there was ever a character crying out for some nice relaxing intoxication, Will is definitely one such. And Jack, of course, is sort of like a walking drunkfic, and in fact he probably comes with his own built-in wet bar*.

Best FF Featuring a Number of Novel Seduction Techniques, Including with Pie, with Pie and Ice Cream, with Accents, and with Weathergirl: Some Strange Prophecy, by Speranza. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. Well, it had to happen - this is a drunkfic with an actual plot; in fact, there may be too much other stuff in here for this to count as a true drunkfic, but hey, there's definitely drinking. I'm counting it. I don't know how people who loved the television show will take this - it's possible the Fraser here is out of character. He's certainly not being very, um, Canadian, though he's got an excellent excuse. But for those who have longed to read about drunken Mounties in rented Oldsmobiles touring the Southern U.S., this story will meet a number of needs. It should also make happy those who yearn for laidback Chicago cops acting lovestruck, worried, and jealous. The rest of you should give it a try, too.

* You have a dirty, dirty mind. Of course I didn't mean it like that.